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"If I ever have a daughter, I hope she loves her legs."
As a young girl, my legs were one of my biggest insecurities.
I hated how they jiggled when I walked.
I hated that they were constantly covered in bruises and speckled like a strawberry.
I hated the shape of my knees and the circumference of my thighs.
I hated how they looked in skinny jeans and how much larger they were from other girls' legs.
My brain fixated on the way my body appeared, rather than what my body had to offer.
Fast forward to now.
My legs have carried me across the stage at my college graduation. They've walked me down hospital hallways to be with friends in need. They bared my weight as I've knelt down to hug my nieces and nephews. There have been many hikes, dances, and strolls in the park thanks to them.
And I feel like that's what's truly beautiful here.
Photograph published in "The Diagonal" (analysis on global health website) in the article "Health Disparities: an Introduction" by Afua Adjekum. The article was published in January 2016.
Also published in Hoodline.com on 6/29/2016 in the article 'Low Hanging Fruit' Brings Story of Homeless Female Veterans to the Stage.
www.hoodline.com/2016/06/low-hanging-fruit-brings-story-o...
Thanks to the following artists:
Jester - AbsurdWordPreferred: evelivesey.deviantart.com/#/d2gyhi1
Staircase - bluesse: evelivesey.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2c28tm
Model - MkA-Graphic: evelivesey.deviantart.com/favourites/#/d2t8th4
Light Rays Brushes: www.obsidiandawn.com
So much has worn me down health-wise this year & I’ve felt so far from myself because of stress.
I’ve finally been able to verbalize and admit to myself that this has been the hardest year of my life since 2010 when my mother died. I knew selling a home & buying in another state would be stressful no matter what. What I don’t think I could have anticipated was a year like 2024 where we both got Covid for the first time (which had lasting impacts) and the genocide in Gaza ravaging the world. I fundamentally changed and that year left me a different person than who I have ever been. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Following that with a year that started with 70 days of varying degrees of headache to all encompassing migraines (leading to an MRI and medical action plans).
Then we started in earnest to do the home dance. Allowing people into my home repeatedly with no real control turned me inside out. My agoraphobia sky rocketed and everything felt impossibly hard.
From the start of the year we’ve had to face a new type of nightmare in our news, US domestic government, and life overall. Everything feels surreal most of the time.
I’ve had such a fog in my mind while I more or less had to shut entire parts of myself down and compartmentalize until I could get through other more immediate needs on my energy and time.
The stress, the uncertainty, the discomfort lead to me more or less giving up on having a human body. I rarely drank water, I stopped moving my body entirely, I spent every moment I wasn’t actively doing The Things I Had To Do™️ (or occasionally taking photos) laying down or crying. I could barely wash my face, brush my teeth, or take a shower. I know my photo stream gives one of those picture perfect storylines of how the last year has gone because I am pretty ok at composition and framing (and admittedly take good self portraits).
The reality is I’ve struggled more overall than I had ever let on.
This week I’ve been sorting photos & found some that dusted my brain off. Photos that reminded me of how even when some years like 2017 (the photos with just my torso) when I had just bought my first house with my ex and realized the relationship may not last because my sobriety hadn’t really changed anything between us. Or 2020 (the photo of me lying down in a Skeletonwitch tshirt and the 3 photo collage) the year of Covid and the year I finally ended that relationship after giving it everything I had for 3 more years while that global pandemic was happening.
Both were unimaginably difficult I was still able to lean into reflection, listening to my body and mind, and working to find the life changes I needed to be a happier and more balanced Nix. The photos feel like a talisman or a magical catalyst to remind me of my power. My routines are returning to me and I can feel the joy they bring. I am waking up.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is stuff I usually keep for my online blog, but I was feeling verbose and brave and wanted to share here too. I really value the connections I’ve been making being back on Flickr and the site and the people have been one of the bright spots for me through all of this.
My beautiful friend trusted me, allowing me the honor and privilege of shooting her the other day. The idea was to document where she is right.now. xoxo Denise.
Pregnant body image concept shots
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©2011 Jason Swain, All Rights Reserved
This image is not available for use on websites, blogs or other media without the explicit written permission of the photographer.
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Links to my website, facebook and twitter can be found on my flickr profile
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While "rectangle" may not be a natively-supported shape, at least I match an actual pattern size. (6-8, no less! Who woulda thunk, seeing as I'm a 0-1 at best, or children's M-L, when shopping for clothes. Stupid vanity sizing.) And at 5'1", it means I can just sew my pants shorter and save money on fabric! Really, it makes me wish I'd thought to sew my own clothes long ago, instead of subjecting myself to the frustration of clothes shopping.
I asked her what she was specifically "so over it". She responded: "everything". Then she told me not to frame her face in the photograph, but only to take a picture of the Tshirt.
Shot for my advanced portraiture class. We were assigned to represent issues regarding body image, beauty, body modification, etc. Part of a 2 part series.
Bikini Thoughts - Closer: Godox V1 rear left and right with umbrellas. Godox AD200 in octogonal softbox above left for main light, above right in 30x120 softbox for fill.
Fitness and Lifestyle photo session with Victoria Garrick on Tuesday, June 25, 2019 at the Tongva Park in Santa Monica, CA.
Photo by Matt Pendleton for Matt Pendleton Photography
Bikini Thoughts - Kneeling: Godox V1 rear left and right with umbrellas. Godox AD200 in octogonal softbox above left for main light, above right in 30x120 softbox for fill.
Coral & Confidence: A bright, high-key studio portrait with an easy summer feel. Soft light keeps the skin tones natural and flattering, while the coral swimwear adds a warm pop of color against the clean white background. Relaxed, confident, and effortless.
Shot on a Pentax K-1 with diffused Godox lighting.
Graduating Class of 2018 with double AA degrees. She worked hard and it paid off. She never gave up. I am so proud of this young lady. I am sad to see her move away from our program but knowing she is moving forward, onward and upward. She transferred to a 4 year school.
Pandemic Self Care. Processing pics from the boneyard (my “vault” that stores pics I have taken, but never processed and/or posted). Stay safe everyone.
Taken for a Photography project I am doing about docile bodies and eating disorders, I have to make it into a photomontage yet, but I love the simplicity of this image :)
Bikini Thoughts - Kneeling: Malibu Strings Labor Day sale pickup. Godox V1 rear left and right with umbrellas. Godox AD200 in octogonal softbox above left for main light, above right in 30x120 softbox for fill.
I've been working on a photo project for a women's conference.
I asked some volunteers to paint their bodies in accordance to how they viewed themselves.
White on the areas they were at peace with.
Red on the areas they were at war with.
Also, the series got accepted in the conference!!!
So much has worn me down health-wise this year & I’ve felt so far from myself because of stress.
I’ve finally been able to verbalize and admit to myself that this has been the hardest year of my life since 2010 when my mother died. I knew selling a home & buying in another state would be stressful no matter what. What I don’t think I could have anticipated was a year like 2024 where we both got Covid for the first time (which had lasting impacts) and the genocide in Gaza ravaging the world. I fundamentally changed and that year left me a different person than who I have ever been. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Following that with a year that started with 70 days of varying degrees of headache to all encompassing migraines (leading to an MRI and medical action plans).
Then we started in earnest to do the home dance. Allowing people into my home repeatedly with no real control turned me inside out. My agoraphobia sky rocketed and everything felt impossibly hard.
From the start of the year we’ve had to face a new type of nightmare in our news, US domestic government, and life overall. Everything feels surreal most of the time.
I’ve had such a fog in my mind while I more or less had to shut entire parts of myself down and compartmentalize until I could get through other more immediate needs on my energy and time.
The stress, the uncertainty, the discomfort lead to me more or less giving up on having a human body. I rarely drank water, I stopped moving my body entirely, I spent every moment I wasn’t actively doing The Things I Had To Do™️ (or occasionally taking photos) laying down or crying. I could barely wash my face, brush my teeth, or take a shower. I know my photo stream gives one of those picture perfect storylines of how the last year has gone because I am pretty ok at composition and framing (and admittedly take good self portraits).
The reality is I’ve struggled more overall than I had ever let on.
This week I’ve been sorting photos & found some that dusted my brain off. Photos that reminded me of how even when some years like 2017 (the photos with just my torso) when I had just bought my first house with my ex and realized the relationship may not last because my sobriety hadn’t really changed anything between us. Or 2020 (the photo of me lying down in a Skeletonwitch tshirt and the 3 photo collage) the year of Covid and the year I finally ended that relationship after giving it everything I had for 3 more years while that global pandemic was happening.
Both were unimaginably difficult I was still able to lean into reflection, listening to my body and mind, and working to find the life changes I needed to be a happier and more balanced Nix. The photos feel like a talisman or a magical catalyst to remind me of my power. My routines are returning to me and I can feel the joy they bring. I am waking up.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is stuff I usually keep for my online blog, but I was feeling verbose and brave and wanted to share here too. I really value the connections I’ve been making being back on Flickr and the site and the people have been one of the bright spots for me through all of this.
Your Reality: The Truth About Your Body medium.com/@YounusAlGohar/your-reality-88c44f7e65c1
Why your time in this world is like a visit to space!