Living in Fear

I just emailed my boss, 9:40am 3/19/19 about my concerns at work. I am afraid to speak my thoughts because I have been threatened before. By a co-worker and the boss. I may not have a job in a few hours. Very scared. Right at the moment I am shaking and my hands won't stop trembling. My heart is pounding. It has been this way for months on top of the usual anxiety I feel. I was having a panic attack all day on 3/8. The people around me don't seem all that concerned about it. Right now the co-worker I can't stand has on horrible smelling perfume. It makes my tongue itch and eyes water. Why can she get away with this???? I have been silenced by her and it is upsetting. I'm always the one to succumb to others.

 

I have a good manager at the gas station but I cannot live off of that income even if I worked full time there. My manager at the grocery store is great too, but he feels similar to me.

 

I wrote the thoughts below and took the above picture late at night on Friday 3/15 or early morning 3/16. I typed it all in my phone. :::::

 

 

I hate getting up in the morning. I’d rather stay up all night long than get up in the fricking morning. Because I am so tired. Tired of life and being alive. My manager at work tonight, Dale, he and I were talking, and at age 20, we never thought we’d be hurting so much and bringing in carts from the lot and straightening shelves of product. That’s the way it is..... I’ll do what I have to do. But it shouldn’t be this way. I pray to God that what He says “the last will be first” is true. However, I know that I do not have it as bad as some people do. But I pray to God, the LAST will be first, the people that sacrifice, the ones that aren’t comfortable, the ones that want to quit but can’t, I pray to God that we will be first.

 

 

I’m proud of what little money I make. I make it by myself. I get things I want AND need. I just want to share that with someone. I think my independence scares guys off. I want to be taken care of but it doesn’t mean I won’t work. I don’t understand why they think me working three jobs is ok. I don’t understand why some women have men that bend over backwards for them. I have yet to have that happen for me. So, right now, it is just me. I am happy with my life yet I hate my life. I deserve more. I am sick of this damn planet and government. No matter how hard you work, you really get nothing. The more jobs I get and “income” I get, mean nothing, I get more bills, more rent increases, and it doesn’t matter that I work so much. I make too much for any help. I make too much, yeah 50k, woo hoo!!!!!! But that is too much for help. Anyway..... I’m not sure I hate my life. It is just stupid. I see these tiny box-like houses, probably 800sq ft, and I would not qualify. I hate the credit score thing they go by here in America. It is BS. They have no idea why I let some bills go. I am trying to stay afloat. I am alone. And my rent keeps going up. The landlords (aka rental companies) don’t care, they just want their money. And they are doing just fine. No one cares about me, and my financial struggle every day, my physical struggle every day. I went to the bathroom this morning, (3/14/19 about 6am before I went back to bed) and was shaky and my body hurt just getting up. I thought to myself, at age 20 did I ever envision my life like this at this age. I don’t have a terrible life right now, compared to other countries and people suffering far worse off than me. I am very very grateful, and If I have to live in this apartment for the next 20 years. I’ll make it happen. I don’t know how. But I’ll make it happen. I say something and I do it. I don’t flake out. However, compared to the way people live in America, we are spoiled brats. I acknowledge that. I wish people “above me” would acknowledge that. I know people and work with people, if their car isn’t new and has the automatic start and gps system (I don’t even know, I have never had a new car) but if they don’t have the newest stuff, they act like it’s the end of the world. I want them to live like me. Work a lot. 60-70, sometimes more hours. And be in pain every day. And not have anyone to talk to that is close to you. That is how it is. You are, I am, alone.....

Done