partners.
four weeks down, forty-eight to go.
i'm suffering from cognitive dissonance right now, i think, where i'm holding two contradictory ideas in my mind: the idea that daniel doesn't love me is incompatible with the idea that he continues to be uncertain regarding his own mind & that, given that uncertainty, perhaps things can ultimately be worked out between us. or, to look at another example, there's the idea that i deserve better coupled with the idea that i still love someone who can be so careless with my feelings.
my best friend at work is planning to give his notice shortly, & we've been talking about my situation -- in purely hypothetical terms, of course, much as we talked about his recent break-up with his girlfriend. this boy is the heartthrob of the CTO -- even when i was an ugly duckling high school dork, i always seemed to befriend the romantically popular tall-dark-&-handsomes in a way that most of the other girls couldn't (although i suspect for different reasons now, as then it was just that my adoration wasn't a threat, while now i think it's that i'm not much of a girl & i get along better with boys & can talk to them pretty easily) -- & this boy has offered his opinion & advice, as boys do, & i told him a few things:
01. i don't get why this is happening, 02. but i understand that my getting it is really sort of irrelevant at this point, 03. i'm pretty much awesome despite my neuroses so i'm fully aware of what daniel's walking away from & how, egotistical or not, i know that there aren't many out there like me & he'll choke on regret in time the same as phil does, which kills me b/c i don't want regret, i want my happy fucking ending, 04. i fully believe that he doesn't know what he wants, regardless of how insane that makes me sound, 05. what i want now, more than anything, is to bury this so i don't feel like i'm constantly shifting myself towards it like a sunflower to the sun.
to that end, i have a plan.
that plan is to continue to surround myself with people who'll look after me, including bart (pictured above with his best friend, the kitchenaid mixer), sarah (not pictured, but sitting on the other side of bart eating a cookie), ian, shagy, nicole, my cousins, my sister, & any other person i run into who'll let me be. they'll distract me when i need it & let me talk when i have to, & they won't fault me for beating a dead horse when i wonder aloud for the billionth time what the hell is going on in daniel's head & whether he truly just doesn't give a shit about me.
my angst isn't pretty, but it's me.
in the meantime, i'll cook for other people, but not the boy i want to feed; i'll rub other people's hands, but not the hands i want to rub; i'll go to see movies, but not with the person i want to be with; & time will pass & i'll put one foot in front of the other, b/c, like meg said:
it's NOT about forgetting it's NOT about giving up, it's about going through the motions of living so you don't forget how to do that [...] even if we don't feel it. even if we can't stop thinking about something horrible. we will walk, goddamnit.
i will walk.
partners.
four weeks down, forty-eight to go.
i'm suffering from cognitive dissonance right now, i think, where i'm holding two contradictory ideas in my mind: the idea that daniel doesn't love me is incompatible with the idea that he continues to be uncertain regarding his own mind & that, given that uncertainty, perhaps things can ultimately be worked out between us. or, to look at another example, there's the idea that i deserve better coupled with the idea that i still love someone who can be so careless with my feelings.
my best friend at work is planning to give his notice shortly, & we've been talking about my situation -- in purely hypothetical terms, of course, much as we talked about his recent break-up with his girlfriend. this boy is the heartthrob of the CTO -- even when i was an ugly duckling high school dork, i always seemed to befriend the romantically popular tall-dark-&-handsomes in a way that most of the other girls couldn't (although i suspect for different reasons now, as then it was just that my adoration wasn't a threat, while now i think it's that i'm not much of a girl & i get along better with boys & can talk to them pretty easily) -- & this boy has offered his opinion & advice, as boys do, & i told him a few things:
01. i don't get why this is happening, 02. but i understand that my getting it is really sort of irrelevant at this point, 03. i'm pretty much awesome despite my neuroses so i'm fully aware of what daniel's walking away from & how, egotistical or not, i know that there aren't many out there like me & he'll choke on regret in time the same as phil does, which kills me b/c i don't want regret, i want my happy fucking ending, 04. i fully believe that he doesn't know what he wants, regardless of how insane that makes me sound, 05. what i want now, more than anything, is to bury this so i don't feel like i'm constantly shifting myself towards it like a sunflower to the sun.
to that end, i have a plan.
that plan is to continue to surround myself with people who'll look after me, including bart (pictured above with his best friend, the kitchenaid mixer), sarah (not pictured, but sitting on the other side of bart eating a cookie), ian, shagy, nicole, my cousins, my sister, & any other person i run into who'll let me be. they'll distract me when i need it & let me talk when i have to, & they won't fault me for beating a dead horse when i wonder aloud for the billionth time what the hell is going on in daniel's head & whether he truly just doesn't give a shit about me.
my angst isn't pretty, but it's me.
in the meantime, i'll cook for other people, but not the boy i want to feed; i'll rub other people's hands, but not the hands i want to rub; i'll go to see movies, but not with the person i want to be with; & time will pass & i'll put one foot in front of the other, b/c, like meg said:
it's NOT about forgetting it's NOT about giving up, it's about going through the motions of living so you don't forget how to do that [...] even if we don't feel it. even if we can't stop thinking about something horrible. we will walk, goddamnit.
i will walk.