September 21, 2023 Subverted Selfie Project Post
From September 21, 2023: I tried to post this last night but I’ve been so exhausted & dizzy, with a headache & the feeling like I’m going to lose my lunch, that I tried to just sleep. My mouth trembled with that loose feeling as if it’s getting ready to help my system expel the contents of my stomach, regardless of whether it’s full or not.
I was late for my IV. I’d been chatting with a friend in the morning & at 3:44pm I gripped about my unproductive day by finally not answering her last comment at 12:38pm about maybe having a bite to eat together after my IV with, “I've got nothing done 💔 bleh trying to get grociers now but supposed to be at hospital in 15 m.” I got to the hospital around 4:40pm, & fell asleep during the first IV. The nurse said she had trouble waking me. I told her how I’d been feeling & she said if I was still feeling that way I should head to the ER.
During the second IV, I started sobbing, tears streaming down the sides of my head into my hair, as I lay in a hospital chair that was fully reclined. The nurse was taken aback to find me crying. All I could muster was how sorry I was. They ended up putting me in a wheelchair & took me to my car. The nurse said to sit a bit till I felt well enough to drive. I guess she forgot about the dizziness & exhaustion I’d mentioned earlier.
I lumbered up into my car & basically passed out, sleeping in the drivers seat for over an hour. I woke to 2 or 3 missed calls from my Mum, & several texts from my friend. My last text to her had been sent before I passed out in my car, a long lament about how lonely I’d been, & the recollection of part of a dream I’d had that morning where my mind had created an alternative reality about how I had gotten engaged to my ex a decade ago at the time our relationship was ending in reality. My friend had asked if I wanted to talk on the phone about it, but that terrified me & I simply said “It's ok. I'm in my car now I dunno. Feel so exhausted and still crying .” I then followed it up with “I’m so stupid.” I But stopped at typing, “I fucking hate myself so much.” Instead, I passed out again.
(264/365)
September 21, 2023 Subverted Selfie Project Post
From September 21, 2023: I tried to post this last night but I’ve been so exhausted & dizzy, with a headache & the feeling like I’m going to lose my lunch, that I tried to just sleep. My mouth trembled with that loose feeling as if it’s getting ready to help my system expel the contents of my stomach, regardless of whether it’s full or not.
I was late for my IV. I’d been chatting with a friend in the morning & at 3:44pm I gripped about my unproductive day by finally not answering her last comment at 12:38pm about maybe having a bite to eat together after my IV with, “I've got nothing done 💔 bleh trying to get grociers now but supposed to be at hospital in 15 m.” I got to the hospital around 4:40pm, & fell asleep during the first IV. The nurse said she had trouble waking me. I told her how I’d been feeling & she said if I was still feeling that way I should head to the ER.
During the second IV, I started sobbing, tears streaming down the sides of my head into my hair, as I lay in a hospital chair that was fully reclined. The nurse was taken aback to find me crying. All I could muster was how sorry I was. They ended up putting me in a wheelchair & took me to my car. The nurse said to sit a bit till I felt well enough to drive. I guess she forgot about the dizziness & exhaustion I’d mentioned earlier.
I lumbered up into my car & basically passed out, sleeping in the drivers seat for over an hour. I woke to 2 or 3 missed calls from my Mum, & several texts from my friend. My last text to her had been sent before I passed out in my car, a long lament about how lonely I’d been, & the recollection of part of a dream I’d had that morning where my mind had created an alternative reality about how I had gotten engaged to my ex a decade ago at the time our relationship was ending in reality. My friend had asked if I wanted to talk on the phone about it, but that terrified me & I simply said “It's ok. I'm in my car now I dunno. Feel so exhausted and still crying .” I then followed it up with “I’m so stupid.” I But stopped at typing, “I fucking hate myself so much.” Instead, I passed out again.
(264/365)