I Dreamed A Dream (Happy New Year!)

*Warning! Long story ahead!*

Okay so basically all of 2013 (plus December of 2012) has been a huge adventure for me. I felt the need to get this out and flickr is the only way I can :P

The past year or so has been the hardest part of my life so far. I fell into depression, my social anxiety/anxiety in general got worse, and I had just been a self-conscious wreck. Though that wasn't my everyday life, it did take a big chunk of the year.

 

Anyways, I started roleplaying on tumblr in December of 2012, which is also when my math mark started to drop immensely (a.k.a the start of my depression). I ended up quitting roleplaying a couple months before the summer. That was because I wasn't happy with my writing, and I didn't feel like I belonged. I saw all the other rpers with their friends and they all seemed so friendly with each other and like they knew each other so well. I didn't think that I was welcomed and I knew that I wouldn't be able to get as close as they were. Throughout my role-playing months was when I felt like I had no one there for me. I would stay up at night crying, thinking of suicide and that whole package. I felt worthless.

The only people I ever told were my two best school friends, though I didn't tell them the whole thing, and that was almost half a year after my depression started.

Though later on it got to the point where I literally felt like I didn't belong anywhere, even with my friends at school.

 

Although I was going through a lot of pain, I still helped others. I was able to understand what others were feeling so I went on The Quiet Place (The Comfort Spot) and I helped and supported people when I wasn't feeling like crap. I also made a friend in 9th grade who later would come to me for all his problems and when he was contemplating suicide, I talked him out of it.

The best feeling, for me, is knowing that you helped someone or made them happy, even the tiniest bit. It's so nice knowing that you're needed.

 

I'm happy to say that all these bad things happened to me, however. Because of my experiences, I've learned a lot. I used to have a whole different view on suicide and people who self-harm, etc etc. Now I understand what it feels like. It's also shaped me into who I am now and I'm thankful for that.

 

I realize that I'm very lucky to have gone through it for such little time. So many people let it consume them forever, or for a very long amount of time.

It's a horrible feeling to fall into a dark hole like that, and I wish nobody ever has to go through it. Considering how horrible I think my situation was, I can't even imagine how bad it is for other people.

 

So anywho, everything was going wrong. A couple of months ago, I decided to give up my dream that I've had since grade 8. Dream as in dream job (video game design). You need a crap ton of math skills for game design and I've come to the conclusion that math just isn't my thing. But you know what? Certain things aren't for certain people. Recently I went to see Les Miserables (PERFECT I RECOMMEND 100%) and it was the third musical I've been to. Whenever I go to musicals I get super inspired and I realize every time that musical theatre is what I want for a profession. It was my dream job when I was a kid, and it always comes back. So, I'm on my way to pursuing that dream and I have a feeling it's a dream that I'm not going to give up on. (Also working at Disney World but that job sort of comes in that package as well).

I don't know what it is, but lately I've felt a sudden rush of inspiration and happiness. It's like the feeling is a prophecy that everything will make a turn and get better.

 

I'm saying goodbye to being pessimistic. Actually, I used to be quite the optimist in elementary school. I'm on my way to improving the way I see and think so that I'm not so negative. The usual upsetting days and moments will obviously come hit me sometimes but for now I've overcome many of my problems, and/or know how to & are working on them.

 

I wish you all the happiness that I've had these past few weeks because it's one of the best feelings you could ever have and you all deserve it xx

 

Also, this photo is of my Frozen snowglobe that I got for Christmas! Frozen has to be one of my favourite Disney movies!!

And that's the thing, too, is a lot of things in my life have had such a huge influence on me it's crazy! Like Disney (my most precious treasured part of my life besides family/friends), certain video games/other movies, tv shows/anime, mythology/the world's mysteries, etc etc. It's all a big circle of inspiration and I'm so thankful for everything that has spoken to me in a way nothing else can.

 

Thank you soooo (SOOOO! x infinity & beyond) much for reading all that, if you did! I know it was a lot. but I just had to get it out ^^

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Happy New Year to everyone and I hope 2014 is good to you!

While I'm going to try my best to turn over a new leaf, I wish you guys the best in the upcoming year xx

Done