Waking Up
So much has worn me down health-wise this year & I’ve felt so far from myself because of stress.
I’ve finally been able to verbalize and admit to myself that this has been the hardest year of my life since 2010 when my mother died. I knew selling a home & buying in another state would be stressful no matter what. What I don’t think I could have anticipated was a year like 2024 where we both got Covid for the first time (which had lasting impacts) and the genocide in Gaza ravaging the world. I fundamentally changed and that year left me a different person than who I have ever been. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Following that with a year that started with 70 days of varying degrees of headache to all encompassing migraines (leading to an MRI and medical action plans).
Then we started in earnest to do the home dance. Allowing people into my home repeatedly with no real control turned me inside out. My agoraphobia sky rocketed and everything felt impossibly hard.
From the start of the year we’ve had to face a new type of nightmare in our news, US domestic government, and life overall. Everything feels surreal most of the time.
I’ve had such a fog in my mind while I more or less had to shut entire parts of myself down and compartmentalize until I could get through other more immediate needs on my energy and time.
The stress, the uncertainty, the discomfort lead to me more or less giving up on having a human body. I rarely drank water, I stopped moving my body entirely, I spent every moment I wasn’t actively doing The Things I Had To Do™️ (or occasionally taking photos) laying down or crying. I could barely wash my face, brush my teeth, or take a shower. I know my photo stream gives one of those picture perfect storylines of how the last year has gone because I am pretty ok at composition and framing (and admittedly take good self portraits).
The reality is I’ve struggled more overall than I had ever let on.
This week I’ve been sorting photos & found some that dusted my brain off. Photos that reminded me of how even when some years like 2017 (the photos with just my torso) when I had just bought my first house with my ex and realized the relationship may not last because my sobriety hadn’t really changed anything between us. Or 2020 (the photo of me lying down in a Skeletonwitch tshirt and the 3 photo collage) the year of Covid and the year I finally ended that relationship after giving it everything I had for 3 more years while that global pandemic was happening.
Both were unimaginably difficult I was still able to lean into reflection, listening to my body and mind, and working to find the life changes I needed to be a happier and more balanced Nix. The photos feel like a talisman or a magical catalyst to remind me of my power. My routines are returning to me and I can feel the joy they bring. I am waking up.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is stuff I usually keep for my online blog, but I was feeling verbose and brave and wanted to share here too. I really value the connections I’ve been making being back on Flickr and the site and the people have been one of the bright spots for me through all of this.
Waking Up
So much has worn me down health-wise this year & I’ve felt so far from myself because of stress.
I’ve finally been able to verbalize and admit to myself that this has been the hardest year of my life since 2010 when my mother died. I knew selling a home & buying in another state would be stressful no matter what. What I don’t think I could have anticipated was a year like 2024 where we both got Covid for the first time (which had lasting impacts) and the genocide in Gaza ravaging the world. I fundamentally changed and that year left me a different person than who I have ever been. Physically, mentally, and emotionally.
Following that with a year that started with 70 days of varying degrees of headache to all encompassing migraines (leading to an MRI and medical action plans).
Then we started in earnest to do the home dance. Allowing people into my home repeatedly with no real control turned me inside out. My agoraphobia sky rocketed and everything felt impossibly hard.
From the start of the year we’ve had to face a new type of nightmare in our news, US domestic government, and life overall. Everything feels surreal most of the time.
I’ve had such a fog in my mind while I more or less had to shut entire parts of myself down and compartmentalize until I could get through other more immediate needs on my energy and time.
The stress, the uncertainty, the discomfort lead to me more or less giving up on having a human body. I rarely drank water, I stopped moving my body entirely, I spent every moment I wasn’t actively doing The Things I Had To Do™️ (or occasionally taking photos) laying down or crying. I could barely wash my face, brush my teeth, or take a shower. I know my photo stream gives one of those picture perfect storylines of how the last year has gone because I am pretty ok at composition and framing (and admittedly take good self portraits).
The reality is I’ve struggled more overall than I had ever let on.
This week I’ve been sorting photos & found some that dusted my brain off. Photos that reminded me of how even when some years like 2017 (the photos with just my torso) when I had just bought my first house with my ex and realized the relationship may not last because my sobriety hadn’t really changed anything between us. Or 2020 (the photo of me lying down in a Skeletonwitch tshirt and the 3 photo collage) the year of Covid and the year I finally ended that relationship after giving it everything I had for 3 more years while that global pandemic was happening.
Both were unimaginably difficult I was still able to lean into reflection, listening to my body and mind, and working to find the life changes I needed to be a happier and more balanced Nix. The photos feel like a talisman or a magical catalyst to remind me of my power. My routines are returning to me and I can feel the joy they bring. I am waking up.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. This is stuff I usually keep for my online blog, but I was feeling verbose and brave and wanted to share here too. I really value the connections I’ve been making being back on Flickr and the site and the people have been one of the bright spots for me through all of this.