modify_evolution
Sound of Their Breath
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find.
-Under the Milky Way by The Church
Probably unsurprisingly to everyone except me, I have been depressed as hell lately. For some reason, it always surprises me. I didn't get out of bed until 1:30 in the afternoon today. Even working 2nd shift, that is hours late for me. I haven't been working out. Or eating enough (cooking is too much work. Anything that requires preparation is too much work. Soup and a sandwich is too much work). I keep randomly grasping at shit I don't care about, in the hopes that I'll feel something. Like, I basically invented a crush on a guy just to have some sort of happy feeling. I even believed it for a couple weeks.
I don't even know what's wrong. Casey's been this close to death before. At one point, her oncologist said without treatment she had 3 months at the most. I've been this fucked financially for 4 years. I've had shitty relationships end, even during cancer. (It's defining my life. I feel like I'll look back and say "And those # years were The Cancer Years.") Like, yeah, it's a lot, and it sucks, but this has been my goddamn life for the last 4 years. Chemo and radiation and hospital visits and filling out a packet of paperwork about Casey's end-of-life care preferences have all happened before. Multiple times.
A girl at work was talking about how she had a cancer scare a couple years ago, and she said she was screaming and crying. I wonder what that's like. To let yourself feel so much that you stop protecting yourself and functioning and taking care of the situation. Who would have thought a girl diagnosed as bipolar would ask that? It's like I'm still proving something to the world, and can't break down, or cry, or feel, because if I did, they'd be right about me.
Sound of Their Breath
Wish I knew what you were looking for
Might have known what you would find.
-Under the Milky Way by The Church
Probably unsurprisingly to everyone except me, I have been depressed as hell lately. For some reason, it always surprises me. I didn't get out of bed until 1:30 in the afternoon today. Even working 2nd shift, that is hours late for me. I haven't been working out. Or eating enough (cooking is too much work. Anything that requires preparation is too much work. Soup and a sandwich is too much work). I keep randomly grasping at shit I don't care about, in the hopes that I'll feel something. Like, I basically invented a crush on a guy just to have some sort of happy feeling. I even believed it for a couple weeks.
I don't even know what's wrong. Casey's been this close to death before. At one point, her oncologist said without treatment she had 3 months at the most. I've been this fucked financially for 4 years. I've had shitty relationships end, even during cancer. (It's defining my life. I feel like I'll look back and say "And those # years were The Cancer Years.") Like, yeah, it's a lot, and it sucks, but this has been my goddamn life for the last 4 years. Chemo and radiation and hospital visits and filling out a packet of paperwork about Casey's end-of-life care preferences have all happened before. Multiple times.
A girl at work was talking about how she had a cancer scare a couple years ago, and she said she was screaming and crying. I wonder what that's like. To let yourself feel so much that you stop protecting yourself and functioning and taking care of the situation. Who would have thought a girl diagnosed as bipolar would ask that? It's like I'm still proving something to the world, and can't break down, or cry, or feel, because if I did, they'd be right about me.