modify_evolution
Day 100- Like I Mean It
Traveler called me out on how my photos have been uninspired lately. Which they have been. I think I need to quit trying to fake it when I'm going through a "this goddamn project is a fucking chore" phase.
So, here. Underneath my stress and the (admittedly, growing) portion of my emotions devoted to the happiness and hopefulness my manly friend is inducing, I feel fucking trapped and claustrophobic, and guilty as hell for feeling that way.
I was feeling fine until I took this photo. I poked it a bit, did the first couple test photos posing, and by the time I was done, wanted to start crying.
Edit: So. The reason this keeps coming up/what this is about. If you don't follow my stream, I've been my sister's caretaker for 3 years while she battled stage III osteosarcoma. She was diagnosed when she was 19, and I had just graduated from college. Anyway. So I've been talking about moving when my lease is up. Even if I can't get a job and move west right away, I want to move into my own place with a month-to-month lease, and keep trying. Either way, not living with my sister anymore, and not being her caretaker. Our family's okay with it, and she is, too. Our mom is looking to buy a house, or at least move, and have Casey move in with her. Even though Casey doesn't need an active caretaker anymore, and I've really slipped into the role of parent (which, as a 23 year old, she doesn't need on a daily basis or anything), I still occasionally feel guilty about the situation. I weigh that with the knowledge that I'm 26, and haven't done any of the things I want with my life, and need to start doing that. I don't want to wake up one day, and realize I wasted my life.
All that said. This was triggered by some friends of mine. They make comments about themselves and their own family situation, but the statements could apply to mine, and make me feel like shit. For example, one is the younger sibling. Her older sibling moved away, and she feels like she has to stay for her mom; that she has no choice. Which kind of implies that if my sister dies, I shouldn't move. But I'm going to anyway. Which apparently means I'd be a bad daughter. Another friend is the oldest sibling, and kind of takes care of her younger siblings. Over the weekend, she said "Well, I'm the eldest, so I have no choice." Which makes me want to step back and reevaluate. Like, am I selfish because I don't want to devote my entire life to another human being? That's why I always said I didn't want kids. What is the point of life if you spend the whole thing doting on someone else and not doing anything for yourself, or any of the things you want? It's a balance, obviously. And in my situation, I think I need to step back, move out, and live my own life. I need to love the fuck out of this guy, and I need to move somewhere with mountains, and I need to find a job that doesn't make me hate myself. But it's still hard to hear "Oh, I could never do what you plan on doing. I'd feel like a bad daughter/sister" from other people.
Day 100- Like I Mean It
Traveler called me out on how my photos have been uninspired lately. Which they have been. I think I need to quit trying to fake it when I'm going through a "this goddamn project is a fucking chore" phase.
So, here. Underneath my stress and the (admittedly, growing) portion of my emotions devoted to the happiness and hopefulness my manly friend is inducing, I feel fucking trapped and claustrophobic, and guilty as hell for feeling that way.
I was feeling fine until I took this photo. I poked it a bit, did the first couple test photos posing, and by the time I was done, wanted to start crying.
Edit: So. The reason this keeps coming up/what this is about. If you don't follow my stream, I've been my sister's caretaker for 3 years while she battled stage III osteosarcoma. She was diagnosed when she was 19, and I had just graduated from college. Anyway. So I've been talking about moving when my lease is up. Even if I can't get a job and move west right away, I want to move into my own place with a month-to-month lease, and keep trying. Either way, not living with my sister anymore, and not being her caretaker. Our family's okay with it, and she is, too. Our mom is looking to buy a house, or at least move, and have Casey move in with her. Even though Casey doesn't need an active caretaker anymore, and I've really slipped into the role of parent (which, as a 23 year old, she doesn't need on a daily basis or anything), I still occasionally feel guilty about the situation. I weigh that with the knowledge that I'm 26, and haven't done any of the things I want with my life, and need to start doing that. I don't want to wake up one day, and realize I wasted my life.
All that said. This was triggered by some friends of mine. They make comments about themselves and their own family situation, but the statements could apply to mine, and make me feel like shit. For example, one is the younger sibling. Her older sibling moved away, and she feels like she has to stay for her mom; that she has no choice. Which kind of implies that if my sister dies, I shouldn't move. But I'm going to anyway. Which apparently means I'd be a bad daughter. Another friend is the oldest sibling, and kind of takes care of her younger siblings. Over the weekend, she said "Well, I'm the eldest, so I have no choice." Which makes me want to step back and reevaluate. Like, am I selfish because I don't want to devote my entire life to another human being? That's why I always said I didn't want kids. What is the point of life if you spend the whole thing doting on someone else and not doing anything for yourself, or any of the things you want? It's a balance, obviously. And in my situation, I think I need to step back, move out, and live my own life. I need to love the fuck out of this guy, and I need to move somewhere with mountains, and I need to find a job that doesn't make me hate myself. But it's still hard to hear "Oh, I could never do what you plan on doing. I'd feel like a bad daughter/sister" from other people.