modify_evolution
Day 146- Background
From my blog the day before:
It's really hard to be a caretaker. Even though Traveler and Mom are close, and help out a ton, I feel this immense guilt when I can't be there for her because I have to work. Even though I know I have to work to provide a home for Casey, I feel awful when I miss important appointments, or have to go a few days without visiting when she's in the hospital.
It makes it worse because, since getting this fulltime job, I'm never around when she hears important information. Casey (understandably) gets overwhelmed and forgets half of what she's told, and mom or Traveler either don't tell me anything, or forget details, too. Which is fine, they're human, and I don't hold it against them. But it means that I miss out on a lot of information and can't ask any questions I come up with, but I still feel responsible for helping Casey make decisions, and inform her. Which I can't do anymore.
This morning, Casey took a shower. I made her do it all herself, because I want her to keep improving and getting stronger. It was a lot of work, and she ran out of breath. And then the act of trying to take deep breaths started to hurt, and she had a fullblown panic attack. It was right when the homecare nurse was coming to watch her change her colostomy bag, but she wasn't really able to help. By the way, by "this morning," I mean "half an hour before I had to leave for work." I called Traveler, and he came over right as I was leaving. He called when I was in the parking garage at work to tell me that she was calmed down, and he'd stay until she fell asleep. I left him my work number, and told him to call if anything changed.
So he just called, because Casey's having another panic attack. I could hear her crying and trying to breathe in the background. Since her lungs hurt, I think she's probably coming down with something, which is making it hard to breathe, causing the panic attacks. It doesn't help that they just changed her medication for depression and anxiety, and she doesnt' have anything like valium; just a once-a-day Cymbalta. He's taking her to the emergency room. And I'm at work, doing nothing, completely unnecessary at this point, feeling awful that I can't be there for her. Or that I didn't make a list of phone numbers and medications to make it easier to call ahead, and have her prescription information available. Or that I didn't sit with her through her withdrawal/exercise pain last night, just gave her some ibuprofen, told her to call me if it was getting worse, and went back to bed.
I can't be her lifelong caretaker, should she need one. I would go crazy and end up hating her. But I will feel horrible the entire time I'm not there. I wish I didn't have to work. I wish I could be the one taking her to the ER.
Day 146- Background
From my blog the day before:
It's really hard to be a caretaker. Even though Traveler and Mom are close, and help out a ton, I feel this immense guilt when I can't be there for her because I have to work. Even though I know I have to work to provide a home for Casey, I feel awful when I miss important appointments, or have to go a few days without visiting when she's in the hospital.
It makes it worse because, since getting this fulltime job, I'm never around when she hears important information. Casey (understandably) gets overwhelmed and forgets half of what she's told, and mom or Traveler either don't tell me anything, or forget details, too. Which is fine, they're human, and I don't hold it against them. But it means that I miss out on a lot of information and can't ask any questions I come up with, but I still feel responsible for helping Casey make decisions, and inform her. Which I can't do anymore.
This morning, Casey took a shower. I made her do it all herself, because I want her to keep improving and getting stronger. It was a lot of work, and she ran out of breath. And then the act of trying to take deep breaths started to hurt, and she had a fullblown panic attack. It was right when the homecare nurse was coming to watch her change her colostomy bag, but she wasn't really able to help. By the way, by "this morning," I mean "half an hour before I had to leave for work." I called Traveler, and he came over right as I was leaving. He called when I was in the parking garage at work to tell me that she was calmed down, and he'd stay until she fell asleep. I left him my work number, and told him to call if anything changed.
So he just called, because Casey's having another panic attack. I could hear her crying and trying to breathe in the background. Since her lungs hurt, I think she's probably coming down with something, which is making it hard to breathe, causing the panic attacks. It doesn't help that they just changed her medication for depression and anxiety, and she doesnt' have anything like valium; just a once-a-day Cymbalta. He's taking her to the emergency room. And I'm at work, doing nothing, completely unnecessary at this point, feeling awful that I can't be there for her. Or that I didn't make a list of phone numbers and medications to make it easier to call ahead, and have her prescription information available. Or that I didn't sit with her through her withdrawal/exercise pain last night, just gave her some ibuprofen, told her to call me if it was getting worse, and went back to bed.
I can't be her lifelong caretaker, should she need one. I would go crazy and end up hating her. But I will feel horrible the entire time I'm not there. I wish I didn't have to work. I wish I could be the one taking her to the ER.