Can't Anybody See?

We've got a war to fight,

Never found our way,

Regardless of what they say.

-Roads by Portishead

 

Copy and pasted from my blog:

 

I've started getting my student loan bills. I hadn't actually sat down to figure out my monthly expenses until now, because I had been hoping my $7.50/hr job was very temporary, and that I'd get a job with any sort of real income. So I sat down to fill out the forms basically stating "Hi, I'm too poor to pay off my student loans."

With my minimum student loan payments factored in, my net monthly income is nearly -$1200. Feel free to note the negative sign.

 

I hate that I did exactly what society told me to do, and I'm getting fucked over for it. I had faith in the system, I tried and got good grades in high school, I went to college, I put family first, and I'm screwed. If I'd tried to do what I wanted, instead of what I was "supposed" to do, I'd probably still be working at Target, but I wouldn't have over $100,000 of student loan debt. Even if I'd taken what Dad thinks was a fantastic job offer in Indy, I'd be just breaking even.

 

I'm useless. I'm working at Target, I have no health insurance, my dad has to cover my car insurance and my mom has to donate $200/month, I'm fucking smart and my day is "Hi, how are you doing today? Your total is ____." I am falling apart both physically and emotionally, I am taking care of a cancer patient who, oh hey, happens to be the most important person to me, the only person providing real emotional support to me is someone I clearly shouldn't be with because he's a fucking asshole/open relationships are bad/oh hey, didn't he rape you? I know I slept with him and/or stayed friends with him after you talked about it, but I mean. Rape, Mandy. Which reminds me. If you're going to criticize the only good thing in my life right now, you need to reevaluate your definition of friendship.

 

I hate my fucking life.

Done