Day 69- I Would Give Anything

I hope you win it this time

And I pray you don't fear the animals

I'll save you, I promise this time.

-The Morning After by Meg Myers

 

Had a dream about my sister a few days before I took this. I was trying to get her to go sledding with me, and ride a motorcycle with me, except she started dying too fast, and I spent the rest of the dream holding her the way I did the day before she died, when we said goodbye. Also I was trying to feed her a burrito. Because that's how dreams work.

 

I miss her so goddamn much. It's been almost two years and I still wake up thinking this awful trick is done now and she's fine. I keep making this mental list of things I want to do with her and show her, and it's like. Stop. I can't. That will never happen.

 

I'm seeing a new therapist in a couple days. Grief is forever. I know that. I will always grieve for her, and I will always miss her. But I don't have to have panic attacks all the time.

 

I keep feeling like this is a phase. Like if I stick it out for a couple years, she'll come back. I've been living it, but I can't imagine life without her.

Done