modify_evolution
Day 8- Worth
Downside to doing a 365 project for self discovery is, you know, actually discovering things about yourself.
I realized that the reason I don't have jealousy issues isn't because I'm not jealous. I am. It's because I don't think I'm worth it. It's been years, and I still find things that B gave me. I realized I don't ask the people I fall for to stay, or to compromise for me, because when I asked him (the only time I ever asked someone to give something up for me) he refused. I gave him an ultimatum, and he didn't choose me (It was when we found out Casey's cancer wasn't in remission after the chemo and surgeries. We found out the day after he left for a month long motorcycle trip, and I asked him to come back for me). And while I've been systematically rooting out the things he did to me and reframing them in terms of the fact that he was emotionally abusing me, I didn't know this one existed. And the one time I spoke my jealousy out loud to the manly friend, he dumped me by telling me he was choosing her over me.
Yeah, I'm so awesome. I'm so laid back. I'm never jealous. Because I'm so convinced I'm worthless. That I can't be jealous or ask for something, because it will be refused.
And I've already lost people because of this. Both friends and lovers. I'm usually indifferent at this point to the things that B did. But sometimes I hate him so much for fucking me up this badly and leaving such a fucking mess for me to clean up.
Day 8- Worth
Downside to doing a 365 project for self discovery is, you know, actually discovering things about yourself.
I realized that the reason I don't have jealousy issues isn't because I'm not jealous. I am. It's because I don't think I'm worth it. It's been years, and I still find things that B gave me. I realized I don't ask the people I fall for to stay, or to compromise for me, because when I asked him (the only time I ever asked someone to give something up for me) he refused. I gave him an ultimatum, and he didn't choose me (It was when we found out Casey's cancer wasn't in remission after the chemo and surgeries. We found out the day after he left for a month long motorcycle trip, and I asked him to come back for me). And while I've been systematically rooting out the things he did to me and reframing them in terms of the fact that he was emotionally abusing me, I didn't know this one existed. And the one time I spoke my jealousy out loud to the manly friend, he dumped me by telling me he was choosing her over me.
Yeah, I'm so awesome. I'm so laid back. I'm never jealous. Because I'm so convinced I'm worthless. That I can't be jealous or ask for something, because it will be refused.
And I've already lost people because of this. Both friends and lovers. I'm usually indifferent at this point to the things that B did. But sometimes I hate him so much for fucking me up this badly and leaving such a fucking mess for me to clean up.