modify_evolution
Day 62- My Life Unfold
I was asleep, but now that I've woken
I preferred my dreams.
-Downtrodden by Abney Park
I'm reaching some sort of acceptance. Except that "acceptance" sounds positive, and like a step in the right direction, and that is not what's going on. I've realized, at least to some degree, that I will live the rest of my life without my sister. I'm turning 28 this week. I could have an unimaginable number of years ahead of me without her. I hope my life isn't as empty as I feel right now, but some part of me is gearing up to accept that, too. Just as some tiny part of me is still hoping for things to get better.
But that said, I'm just numb about it. Fine. I can live 50 or 60 years without her. Why not? I can move across the country, I can stay here, I can face the fact that my parents are going to die someday, too. Why not? Is it going to be any harder than the last 5 years have been? I feel like I've been battered from all directions every minute of every day for the last 5 years, and I don't know what it's like anymore to not feel like that. I feel like my entire life is going to be like this.
No wonder I'm frozen in place. I don't expect my life to turn around. I don't expect to be happy someday. I can, and I will, move to Seattle in the spring. But it feels like I'm trudging towards it, not that I'm suddenly free and able to do what I've always wanted.
Day 62- My Life Unfold
I was asleep, but now that I've woken
I preferred my dreams.
-Downtrodden by Abney Park
I'm reaching some sort of acceptance. Except that "acceptance" sounds positive, and like a step in the right direction, and that is not what's going on. I've realized, at least to some degree, that I will live the rest of my life without my sister. I'm turning 28 this week. I could have an unimaginable number of years ahead of me without her. I hope my life isn't as empty as I feel right now, but some part of me is gearing up to accept that, too. Just as some tiny part of me is still hoping for things to get better.
But that said, I'm just numb about it. Fine. I can live 50 or 60 years without her. Why not? I can move across the country, I can stay here, I can face the fact that my parents are going to die someday, too. Why not? Is it going to be any harder than the last 5 years have been? I feel like I've been battered from all directions every minute of every day for the last 5 years, and I don't know what it's like anymore to not feel like that. I feel like my entire life is going to be like this.
No wonder I'm frozen in place. I don't expect my life to turn around. I don't expect to be happy someday. I can, and I will, move to Seattle in the spring. But it feels like I'm trudging towards it, not that I'm suddenly free and able to do what I've always wanted.