Day 2- Left Unsaid

I know I've done this all before

A thousand silent voices

Begging me to stay

-Remember Me by The Birthday Massacre

 

Ah yes. My most subtle use of symbolism ever.

 

So, when I was in college, before we found out Casey had cancer, I had so many things I wanted to do. I had joined the Peace Corps, and afterward was going to go to grad school or move to New Zealand (my family almost moved there when I was a kid, and it's been in the back of my mind ever since), or see what jobs I could find. But then the economy crashed (I graduated in 2009), and then Casey had cancer, and Wisconsin doesn't have so many opportunities for microbiologists. I've been working in my field, but the pay isn't enough to pay my student loans, and it's not the direction I want to go in.

 

I've been back in Wisconsin for 5 years. I was staying for Casey. And she knew that; I never resented her, but she still felt bad that I was staying here for her.

 

I know the cancer was going to kill her soon even if she didn't stop treatment when she did. And I know she stopped treatment because she knew that. But I know that the thought that I'd be free helped her be comfortable with that decision.

 

I go back and forth on when I want to move. I got a new job in Wisconsin 7 months ago, and my original plan was to wait until I was 30 (2 more years) before trying to leave again. It would give me time to figure out my health problems, and I wouldn't be leaving my support system when I needed it most.

 

But I think that's me getting comfortable. And I have never wanted to get comfortable here, but I'm afraid to try again (I sent out 200 resumes last year, and got nothing). I may soon have an in with a biotech company in California. An internet friend is getting old school courted by them, and has been sending me info on the company. Even if she doesn't take the job, I think I'm going to apply (I'm waiting to see what pay they offer her, and if they offer her relocation assistance).

 

This is related to day 1. But I think I need to get out of here now. I had wanted to get to Seattle, because I know people there, and I love it there. But at this point, everything is telling me it's just time to get out, anywhere.

 

(By the way. I currently work 3rd shift. I'm on days for a few weeks to get more training. But I'm going to be taking photos based on my perception of a day. So it may get messed up date-wise as my shifts change again.)

Done