modify_evolution
Candid
I took this a couple weeks ago when I was setting my camera up for something else.
Normally I delete my test photos right away, but my face in this kind of startled me. This is not what I look like at all in my head. And I don't think this is what I looked like at all before Casey died.
I've lost weight. I know that's part of it. But I feel really old. Not like "blurr I'm 27 I'm so old." That's not what I mean, and people who talk like that irritate me. The last few years have aged me. Obviously. And there's no way I could have gone through that without changing. But over the last month since Casey died, I just. I don't know. Something snapped. I can function. I can go to work, I can go out with friends (and I usually have plans for almost every day off). But I feel like I'm ancient. I feel like I've lived a whole life already.
I tried telling my father I felt old; and I even said it wasn't physically old, I feel emotionally old. And he laughed at me. I fail to see how taking care of your best friend and other half while she slowly dies of cancer wouldn't make someone old. And the fact that he still laughs at me, even after she's died, just proves how he completely does not understand emotions, human relationships, or what Casey and I went through, and what I am still going through.
Fuck him, fuck his family. Fuck every person who tried to interfere with how I was caring for Casey, but refused to be there for me. They abandoned me, and forced me to deal with an awful situation and grow up way too fast, and then had the fucking audacity to laugh at me when I talk about how it affected me.
My dad is an idiot. I have no patience for people who go through denial. He refused to believe she even had a tumor when she was diagnosed, and he refuses to realize that she existed, and that he didn't have any part in her life. He actually claims that he was there for us growing up, and that he never tuned us out. Fuck you. If you want to tell your friends you reconnected with us and were there for us, that's still a lie, but I can see how you'd believe that. But don't ever fucking invalidate my entire childhood and the sacrifices I've made by saying you were a supportive, active parent. Don't claim you had a bond with Casey, don't claim you were there for us, and don't claim you were a good fucking dad. I would not have had to be her caretaker if that were the case. I did it because I needed to for me. I would have no matter what. But we had no other options.
(A disclaimer: I love my mom. And she did take care of Casey during the last few months, and she did a really good job, even after she broke her own back. But during my last year of college, Casey and I had a major falling out with mom, and we had just started to reconnect with her when we found Casey's cancer. Things between the three of us got better real fucking fast, but that's why, at the time, having her be Casey's caretaker could have led to some really bad emotional situations. Also because she lived upstairs. That didn't help.)
Candid
I took this a couple weeks ago when I was setting my camera up for something else.
Normally I delete my test photos right away, but my face in this kind of startled me. This is not what I look like at all in my head. And I don't think this is what I looked like at all before Casey died.
I've lost weight. I know that's part of it. But I feel really old. Not like "blurr I'm 27 I'm so old." That's not what I mean, and people who talk like that irritate me. The last few years have aged me. Obviously. And there's no way I could have gone through that without changing. But over the last month since Casey died, I just. I don't know. Something snapped. I can function. I can go to work, I can go out with friends (and I usually have plans for almost every day off). But I feel like I'm ancient. I feel like I've lived a whole life already.
I tried telling my father I felt old; and I even said it wasn't physically old, I feel emotionally old. And he laughed at me. I fail to see how taking care of your best friend and other half while she slowly dies of cancer wouldn't make someone old. And the fact that he still laughs at me, even after she's died, just proves how he completely does not understand emotions, human relationships, or what Casey and I went through, and what I am still going through.
Fuck him, fuck his family. Fuck every person who tried to interfere with how I was caring for Casey, but refused to be there for me. They abandoned me, and forced me to deal with an awful situation and grow up way too fast, and then had the fucking audacity to laugh at me when I talk about how it affected me.
My dad is an idiot. I have no patience for people who go through denial. He refused to believe she even had a tumor when she was diagnosed, and he refuses to realize that she existed, and that he didn't have any part in her life. He actually claims that he was there for us growing up, and that he never tuned us out. Fuck you. If you want to tell your friends you reconnected with us and were there for us, that's still a lie, but I can see how you'd believe that. But don't ever fucking invalidate my entire childhood and the sacrifices I've made by saying you were a supportive, active parent. Don't claim you had a bond with Casey, don't claim you were there for us, and don't claim you were a good fucking dad. I would not have had to be her caretaker if that were the case. I did it because I needed to for me. I would have no matter what. But we had no other options.
(A disclaimer: I love my mom. And she did take care of Casey during the last few months, and she did a really good job, even after she broke her own back. But during my last year of college, Casey and I had a major falling out with mom, and we had just started to reconnect with her when we found Casey's cancer. Things between the three of us got better real fucking fast, but that's why, at the time, having her be Casey's caretaker could have led to some really bad emotional situations. Also because she lived upstairs. That didn't help.)