Numb

Casey started feeling intense pain again. I think we all kind of forgot osteosarcoma does that. I, at least, was expecting like, lung cancer. I knew she'd basically suffocate on her tumors, and would need oxygen and likely an induced coma. I guess I didn't realize she'd also have really fucking intense pain. It sounds like it's kind of under control for now. I'm seeing Casey later tonight, after I get some sleep (I'm on 3rd shift now). Although I guess she can't talk anymore. so.

 

I don't feel anything. I caught myself grasping for something to feel as I was getting ready for work last night; my brain was trying to convince me I was fat and ugly and my hair was awful and it like. It doesn't matter, brain. Why can't you focus on what's really upsetting you. I mean, that said, I'm glad I made it through my shift last night. None of my new coworkers know about Casey. And they're going to find out eventually (like when I go on funeral leave), but I don't want to start crying at work.

 

I'm going to say this, because I think it's a measure of how in shock I am. But I don't want anyone to worry about me. But I hurt myself before work. I haven't done that shit since high school. I think I just wanted to see if anything came out. It didn't. I didn't even feel guilty, or ashamed. And it kind of hurt, but even the physical pain was just completely dulled. And I say not to worry, because there is no point in me hurting myself again, and I don't cut, so it's not like I have an open wound that can get infected or scar. I was basically desperately trying to feel anything, and it didn't work. Obviously I get if you're worried about me. I'm worried about me. But I'm not going to start self-harming. ...however, I'm also apparently not going to eat. I've had a bowl of cereal and a protein shake in the last 24 hours.

 

Just. Good job, self. Way to shut down.

 

EDIT: Her nurse practitioner says she was a maximum of 2 weeks left. Honestly, I'm going to be surprised if she lasts a week.

Done