Eye8Pudding
Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
Fifty Shades -- "When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires" -- from www.amazon.com
Oh, what to say about this book...where do I start...let's see...I have read books that are badly written. I have read books with extremely stupid characters in them. I have read books with chauvenistic, domineering male characters you wish you could impale with a red hot poker in them. I have even read books with highly sexual -- and sexually disturbing -- content that makes you want to shower just to get the feel of it off of you. But never...ever...have I seen all these things put together in one of the worst literary moments in history since Danielle Steele first put pen to paper. Yes, it's mommy-porn and that, in itself, implies a relatively low standard of literary achievement. However, this book doesn't even come close to the lowest standard you can imagine -- Fifty Shades of Grey makes Everybody Poops look like high class Nobel prize-winning prose.
Anastasia -- Ana for short -- is our dear lovely protagonist and a 22 year old virgin (gasp!). She is highly intelligent, well-educated and phyiscally beautiful. She has also apparently been living in a self-imposed mental nunnery that has kept her from hearing/reading/thinking about sex let alone experiencing any sort of sexual contact whatsoever. The average 10 year old knows more about sex than this woman. And as the uber-naive Ana -- about to graduate from college -- emerges from her ultra-sheltered academic cocoon she meets the man of every over-sexed deluded middle-aged housewife's dreams -- one Grey...Christian Grey, that is...27 year old billionaire S&M obsessed eye candy (let the drooling begin).
From their first meeting, Ana attempts to deny the obvious fact that her inner sexpot is chomping at the bit -- ready to tackle Christian and ride him like a jockey on a thouroughbred in the Kentucky Derby. Meanwhile, Mr. Grey is intrigued by the enigma (or anachronism) that is the virginal Miss Ana and happily picturing what tortuous delights he can introduce into her previously uneventful life.
Ana eventually submits to her own lustful wantings -- as well as christian's Hannibal Lecter-like sexual proclivities. The cherry is popped, the deed is done, birth control is arranged and (as soon as the contract is signed) sweet, naive Ana becomes Submissive-of-the-Year...thus the games begin.
Swept into a life of designer clothes, fast cars, spankings, whippings, beatings and every other page orgasms, Ana offers up what little self-esteem she has for christian to shred into bits all the while citing his Domination/Submission handbook to support his reasoning for such blatant emotional abuse. He controls her diet, wardrobe, choice of doctor, her daily schedule and even
attempts to manipulate her job interviews to suit his own needs. Not only does our protagonist accept this behavior, she welcomes...she encourages...hell, she outright excuses it on his behalf. Apparently, Christian is such a damaged soul after having been ripped from his loving drug-addicted birth mother's arms and forced to endure a horrible life of love, affection, wealth and privilege in the home of his evil, horribly wonderful adopted family (cue violins and eye-rolling). He is, in his own words, "fifty shades of fucked up" (so that's where the title comes from!!).
As their love (cue whip cracking sound effect) affair continues, Anastasia repeatedly informs Christian of her enthusiasm for her role of submissive while, simultaneously, begging him for a more dominant role in their relationship -- leading this reader to believe that despite her high I.Q. and good education, Ana is too stupid to utilize a dictionary and look up what "submissive"
actually means. Her stupidity is not entirely her fault though. Ana asks several others for help. From her slutty roommate who, one minute, advises her to stay away from Christian and in the next, tells her to indulge her fantasies with him...to Ana's serial monogamist mother who practically shoves her daughter into Mr. Grey's arms with a gleeful giggle.
Ana eventually grows tired of being used and abused for Christian's sociopathic amusement. In her one intelligent move (yes, she has one of those...but only ONE), she leaves him...forlornly clutching his braided leather whip and mopping up tears with his blood-red satin sheets (go ahead, cry for Christian...you know you want to).
Throughout the book, I waited for that overhyped sexually excited feeling that all those vibrator-lovin' stay-at-home mommies online told me I should getting. I waited...50 pages passed and no feeling...100 pages passed...then 150...and still no paperback induced orgasm...but then I got a tickle in the back of my throat. A cough, you ask? No, not a cough, but a guffaw. Yes indeed, this book was truly hilarious in it's own literary inept way.
From the moment the housekeeper asked if the metal balls -- that at one time occupied Ana's vaginal canal -- should be washed between uses...to when Ana (finally...it took her a lOOOOONg time) realized that Christian's large purchases from the hardware store were not so much for home improvement than they were for sexual self-help, this book was was tickling my funny bone far more than my g-spot.
Anyway, to sum it all up, here's what you need to know about Fifty Shades of (Fucked Up) Grey:
1) Ana is the dumbest creature ever to appear on God's literary green earth.
2)Christian -- smoldering abusive Christian -- is more a candidate for medication and a straight-jacket than a second date.
3) If a highly reclusive, superhot billionaire shows up and wants you to sign a booty-call-with-handcuffs kind of contract, use whatever brain power you have and DON'T DO IT! It ain't worth it and you're better off with a battery-powered-boyfriend anyway (they don't talk back when you try to pick your own gynecologist).
4) They make chains and cuffs you put on a track attached to the ceiling so you can move them around the room...you know?? so you can humiliate your submissive anywhere in the room and not just chained to the wall!! (how handy is that??)
5) Last but not least, if you're thinking of reading this book, stop! Take a deep breath, go to amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com and read the 1 star reviews...you'll get all the plot points you need to know and the reviews are better written and just as funny -- if not more -- than the book itself.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel like I need to take a shower.
Fifty Shades Of Grey -- Started: Oct. 4, 2012 Finished: Oct. 9, 2012
25 Book Challenge 2012 Book #64
Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L. James
Fifty Shades -- "When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.
Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires" -- from www.amazon.com
Oh, what to say about this book...where do I start...let's see...I have read books that are badly written. I have read books with extremely stupid characters in them. I have read books with chauvenistic, domineering male characters you wish you could impale with a red hot poker in them. I have even read books with highly sexual -- and sexually disturbing -- content that makes you want to shower just to get the feel of it off of you. But never...ever...have I seen all these things put together in one of the worst literary moments in history since Danielle Steele first put pen to paper. Yes, it's mommy-porn and that, in itself, implies a relatively low standard of literary achievement. However, this book doesn't even come close to the lowest standard you can imagine -- Fifty Shades of Grey makes Everybody Poops look like high class Nobel prize-winning prose.
Anastasia -- Ana for short -- is our dear lovely protagonist and a 22 year old virgin (gasp!). She is highly intelligent, well-educated and phyiscally beautiful. She has also apparently been living in a self-imposed mental nunnery that has kept her from hearing/reading/thinking about sex let alone experiencing any sort of sexual contact whatsoever. The average 10 year old knows more about sex than this woman. And as the uber-naive Ana -- about to graduate from college -- emerges from her ultra-sheltered academic cocoon she meets the man of every over-sexed deluded middle-aged housewife's dreams -- one Grey...Christian Grey, that is...27 year old billionaire S&M obsessed eye candy (let the drooling begin).
From their first meeting, Ana attempts to deny the obvious fact that her inner sexpot is chomping at the bit -- ready to tackle Christian and ride him like a jockey on a thouroughbred in the Kentucky Derby. Meanwhile, Mr. Grey is intrigued by the enigma (or anachronism) that is the virginal Miss Ana and happily picturing what tortuous delights he can introduce into her previously uneventful life.
Ana eventually submits to her own lustful wantings -- as well as christian's Hannibal Lecter-like sexual proclivities. The cherry is popped, the deed is done, birth control is arranged and (as soon as the contract is signed) sweet, naive Ana becomes Submissive-of-the-Year...thus the games begin.
Swept into a life of designer clothes, fast cars, spankings, whippings, beatings and every other page orgasms, Ana offers up what little self-esteem she has for christian to shred into bits all the while citing his Domination/Submission handbook to support his reasoning for such blatant emotional abuse. He controls her diet, wardrobe, choice of doctor, her daily schedule and even
attempts to manipulate her job interviews to suit his own needs. Not only does our protagonist accept this behavior, she welcomes...she encourages...hell, she outright excuses it on his behalf. Apparently, Christian is such a damaged soul after having been ripped from his loving drug-addicted birth mother's arms and forced to endure a horrible life of love, affection, wealth and privilege in the home of his evil, horribly wonderful adopted family (cue violins and eye-rolling). He is, in his own words, "fifty shades of fucked up" (so that's where the title comes from!!).
As their love (cue whip cracking sound effect) affair continues, Anastasia repeatedly informs Christian of her enthusiasm for her role of submissive while, simultaneously, begging him for a more dominant role in their relationship -- leading this reader to believe that despite her high I.Q. and good education, Ana is too stupid to utilize a dictionary and look up what "submissive"
actually means. Her stupidity is not entirely her fault though. Ana asks several others for help. From her slutty roommate who, one minute, advises her to stay away from Christian and in the next, tells her to indulge her fantasies with him...to Ana's serial monogamist mother who practically shoves her daughter into Mr. Grey's arms with a gleeful giggle.
Ana eventually grows tired of being used and abused for Christian's sociopathic amusement. In her one intelligent move (yes, she has one of those...but only ONE), she leaves him...forlornly clutching his braided leather whip and mopping up tears with his blood-red satin sheets (go ahead, cry for Christian...you know you want to).
Throughout the book, I waited for that overhyped sexually excited feeling that all those vibrator-lovin' stay-at-home mommies online told me I should getting. I waited...50 pages passed and no feeling...100 pages passed...then 150...and still no paperback induced orgasm...but then I got a tickle in the back of my throat. A cough, you ask? No, not a cough, but a guffaw. Yes indeed, this book was truly hilarious in it's own literary inept way.
From the moment the housekeeper asked if the metal balls -- that at one time occupied Ana's vaginal canal -- should be washed between uses...to when Ana (finally...it took her a lOOOOONg time) realized that Christian's large purchases from the hardware store were not so much for home improvement than they were for sexual self-help, this book was was tickling my funny bone far more than my g-spot.
Anyway, to sum it all up, here's what you need to know about Fifty Shades of (Fucked Up) Grey:
1) Ana is the dumbest creature ever to appear on God's literary green earth.
2)Christian -- smoldering abusive Christian -- is more a candidate for medication and a straight-jacket than a second date.
3) If a highly reclusive, superhot billionaire shows up and wants you to sign a booty-call-with-handcuffs kind of contract, use whatever brain power you have and DON'T DO IT! It ain't worth it and you're better off with a battery-powered-boyfriend anyway (they don't talk back when you try to pick your own gynecologist).
4) They make chains and cuffs you put on a track attached to the ceiling so you can move them around the room...you know?? so you can humiliate your submissive anywhere in the room and not just chained to the wall!! (how handy is that??)
5) Last but not least, if you're thinking of reading this book, stop! Take a deep breath, go to amazon.com or barnesandnoble.com and read the 1 star reviews...you'll get all the plot points you need to know and the reviews are better written and just as funny -- if not more -- than the book itself.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel like I need to take a shower.
Fifty Shades Of Grey -- Started: Oct. 4, 2012 Finished: Oct. 9, 2012
25 Book Challenge 2012 Book #64