Maik Mueller
out of the dark
Have you ever seen me? Most of you never. You will not find photos of me. I don't allow anyone to take some, i never posted one where you can see both of my eyes.
Being on photos takes away the last bit of control, the last chance to hide my eyes.
Within seconds nearly everyone gives me that mark "disabled person". It just needs a look at my eyes. From that moment on i get prejudiced and treated differently. Often it feels like i get sorted out. I get underestimated all the time, some people even think i am mentally disabled, just because of my eyes. Even Doctors and teachers did that, some close people too. I have to prove them wrong before i get taken seriously, if i get the chance to do that. I have experienced all kind of different reactions.
Als child i developed strategies to trick you into thinking i can see like everyone else. I memorize things, act, play around and always try to behave and look as normal as possible. I never asked for help, prefered to reject it, even if it means i'm out of the game. I passed school that way, with good grades.
I avoid eye-contact at all cost. For more than 36 years, before i got my contact-lenses, i didn't see good enough to look into your eyes or to read your facial expressions, not at a normal distance. So why the hell should i give you the chance to look at my crossed and nervously shaking eyes?
I look down and into a different direction. You must think i'm not interested in you or just bored. But the real reason behind this is, i am ashamed and afraid to give you a look at me. When you try to make eye-contact i get nervous and my eyes begin to "dance" even more, Nystagmus 2.0.
As teenager i "perfected" my strategies. That means i avoided more and more situations, i feared them. I started to hide myself completely. A while ago i realized i am living in a bubble. I had no real life to speak of, no goals, no reason to get out. I made myself a "disabled person". My old behavior was wrong, i failed. I just gave up and escaped into isolation.
I had a wakeup-call, another one. Tough questions have been asked, stuff i tried to ban from my head. It is great to have the support of such a wonderful friend.
This is part of my answer to her, intentional made public.
I will change that, i will stop hiding. And i am starting today with posting a first little selfie. One small step.
It's not a great picture, but i want to post something before i finally get an answer to a question that bugs me forever: Is a strabismus and nystagmus-surgery possible? Can i ever get rid of that mark? I will know more about this on monday. I finally have an appointment.
P.S.: Ironically all what was needed to get this started, was something i fear so much: eye-contact. But that's a different story. ;)
out of the dark
Have you ever seen me? Most of you never. You will not find photos of me. I don't allow anyone to take some, i never posted one where you can see both of my eyes.
Being on photos takes away the last bit of control, the last chance to hide my eyes.
Within seconds nearly everyone gives me that mark "disabled person". It just needs a look at my eyes. From that moment on i get prejudiced and treated differently. Often it feels like i get sorted out. I get underestimated all the time, some people even think i am mentally disabled, just because of my eyes. Even Doctors and teachers did that, some close people too. I have to prove them wrong before i get taken seriously, if i get the chance to do that. I have experienced all kind of different reactions.
Als child i developed strategies to trick you into thinking i can see like everyone else. I memorize things, act, play around and always try to behave and look as normal as possible. I never asked for help, prefered to reject it, even if it means i'm out of the game. I passed school that way, with good grades.
I avoid eye-contact at all cost. For more than 36 years, before i got my contact-lenses, i didn't see good enough to look into your eyes or to read your facial expressions, not at a normal distance. So why the hell should i give you the chance to look at my crossed and nervously shaking eyes?
I look down and into a different direction. You must think i'm not interested in you or just bored. But the real reason behind this is, i am ashamed and afraid to give you a look at me. When you try to make eye-contact i get nervous and my eyes begin to "dance" even more, Nystagmus 2.0.
As teenager i "perfected" my strategies. That means i avoided more and more situations, i feared them. I started to hide myself completely. A while ago i realized i am living in a bubble. I had no real life to speak of, no goals, no reason to get out. I made myself a "disabled person". My old behavior was wrong, i failed. I just gave up and escaped into isolation.
I had a wakeup-call, another one. Tough questions have been asked, stuff i tried to ban from my head. It is great to have the support of such a wonderful friend.
This is part of my answer to her, intentional made public.
I will change that, i will stop hiding. And i am starting today with posting a first little selfie. One small step.
It's not a great picture, but i want to post something before i finally get an answer to a question that bugs me forever: Is a strabismus and nystagmus-surgery possible? Can i ever get rid of that mark? I will know more about this on monday. I finally have an appointment.
P.S.: Ironically all what was needed to get this started, was something i fear so much: eye-contact. But that's a different story. ;)