ATTENTION SLOVENSKE ŽENSKE!

Do you secretly yearn to be dominated by a major foreign language?

 

Perhaps you've tried all the local variants of Slovenian guy such as Ptujsko Pijanec, Grajena Gej, and Markovci Mehkužec? Was it worth it?

 

Have you perhaps thought, well if I'm going to take second place in his life to a British football team I might as well go all the way and get some decent cock as well?

 

Are you turned on by X, Q or W? Do you want to exchange bodily fluids using romantic imperial measures such as pints and inches? Are your vibrator batteries

flat again already? And do you wish his mum would stop interfering?

 

-------------------------------------- NOW THERE'S AN ANSWER --------------------------------------

 

NEW ENGLISHMAN comes with all the usual attachments including hammer, drill, logic module, wallet and penis, AND stacks away neatly in his very own storage unit when not required!

 

ENGLISHMAN runs on pure Estuary English, and is designed to be 100% dominant though can also be ridden and used in an almost limitless number of positions and locations.

 

Yet astonishingly ENGLISHMAN is equality-driven and comes WITHOUT the usual encumbrances of live-in relatives, non-creditworthiness, infantile obsessions, unhealthy habits, myopic world view, endless long-distance educational or work commitments, Catholic guilt, insane jealousy, macho insensitivity and clitoral incompetence.

 

No more ignorant chauvinistic nonsense! ENGLISHMAN adapts to your personal preferences and does not fool around with your cousin (in case this is required extra functions may be fitted on request - contact our technical hotline on 031 555 619).

 

---------------------------------------- ADVANCED FEATURES ----------------------------------------

 

ENGLISHMAN does not visit prozzies! ENGLISHMAN washes, cooks, waits around, visits arts events, flirts, tickles, teases, dances, binds, fingers, spanks, licks, nibbles, rubs, massages, squeezes, fucks, kisses, makes a cup of tea and yes, even LISTENS to your self-inflicted problems with a sort of bland expression - IT'S A COMPLETE SOLUTION ALL IN ONE!

 

ENGLISHMAN comes with plenty of experience right out of the box and yet looks brand new, with a tastefully sexy world-weathered finish!

 

Unlike the cheaper and less reliable slovenskofant which you may have considered acquiring, ENGLISHMAN stays fresh and goes on shagging or fixing your computer when a slovenskofant half the age will need a Red Bull just to make it up the stairs, and will be sleeping on the sofa if it comes home at all, bloated, out of puff, pissing its pants, perhaps even unserviceable or dead.

 

-------------------------------------- SHOW US YOUR GENITIVES --------------------------------------

 

The moment you turn him on, miracle new ENGLISHMAN can communicate fluently with up to 1500 million humans around the globe. Minimising the danger, in a fast-changing world, of relying on bizarre Slovenian-to-English translation efforts, slanted, company-censored Slovenian media coverage or misguided, corrupt political affiliations.

 

With ENGLISHMAN's masterful command of his own language and minimal intermittent alcohol and caffeine content you need never miss an important world-shattering event such as your orgasm again!

 

But please note that ENGLISHMAN is a modern high-tech device, and due to its sensitivity is not designed to operate in dangerously smoky, usually wobbly or metaphysically implausible conditions so most of you tobacco-puppets, vodka-zombies and non-atheists can fuck off.

 

Except when unstable drunks are breathing and spitting in his face shouting about ancient British TV comedies, dual case and Liverpool, ENGLISHMAN is non-violent.

 

Beyond routine lubrication and polishing of his RS-14U interface ENGLISHMAN requires no special maintenance except for frequent top-ups of laughing and kinky sex.

 

ENGLISHMAN gives years of faithful service and his sleek yet sturdy design ensures you will always feel a really fantastic connection.

 

----------- COPES WITH ALL TYPES OF OUTDATED CULTURAL HANGOVERS* -----------

 

Mother raised by her grandmother? Brainwashed into associating pleasure with sin? Trained by authority figures to see non-Slovenians simply as tourist cash-cows?

 

No problem. ENGLISHMAN's built-in Remedial Sex Education and Genuine Emotion Modules can cope with anything, from hysterical vadge and sluggish self-acceptance of non-intellectual parts of your body, to reckless spermbag baby factories and shallow, compensatory nymphomania.

 

-------------------------- MOVE ON FASTER WITH MAGIC MICKMASTER --------------------------

 

Maybe WHAT THE OTHERS WILL SAY is the reason you wound up trapped in half-baked respectable relationships, timid family slavedom, or single and still on the starting blocks years behind your peers.

 

A quick blast from ENGLISHMAN's turbo-power MickMaster and PROBLEM PARENTS, ugly leftovers, FELINE FILCHER-FANNIES, your brother's mates and other two-faced hard-to-remove friends will VANISH without trace - until you inexplicably invite them to return.

 

MickMaster can be reused to take the mick again and again until the pressure from BORING BASTARDS AND CLUELESS CONFORMITY is negligible.

 

--------------------------------------------------- MOOCOW ---------------------------------------------------

 

Thanks to his MOOCOW** patented menstrual monitoring ENGLISHMAN can handle the whole love spectrum, whether it's important decisions about pink teddy bears or seething bloody hatred and being to blame for everything.

 

However overwhelming your disadvantage as a Slovenian female, you'll be delighted with this revolutionary appliance. What you get is something to poke her, not a polka. Perfect timing - every time, based on the latest embedded Zorec-51 chip.

 

Best of all, by using your very own private lock-out code (Slovene) your secrets will be safe. You can undermine him even when he's right there in the room - without ENGLISHMAN having the faintest idea what you are going on about.

 

So that's the same as usual, then...except banking and bonking operations remain totally unaffected!!

 

There's even more good news. ENGLISHMAN is armed-forces-free, football-free and fishing-free. So no delightful munitions in the home to worry about, no incredible polyester fashion faux-pas and no maggots in the fridge - GUARANTEED!

 

---------------- WAIT NO LONGER! TRY ENGLISHMAN FREE FOR 28 NIGHTS! ----------------

 

ENGLISHMAN. You won't be disappointed.*** And in the remote event of underperformance simply reprogram your ENGLISHMAN in his well-known language. A technical explanation follows.

 

ENGLISHMAN's 126-bit memory is easily addressable by using the standard non-Boolean syntax [Alert] [Command] [Call Name] + {optional door slam}.

 

For the alert just get out your genitive clitics, for example "for fuck's sake", followed by your demands. Finally tag on some insulting epithets created using noun adjuncts, such as "meat head" and "arse face".

 

In this way the lady owner can not only tell him what he IS GOING TO/WILL BE DOING and OUGHT TO/SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING - tenses absent in Slovenian - but she'll be able to tell him with just three persons, three cases, two declensions and one sex.

 

We've bred around the globe to make ENGLISHMAN's language user friendly.

 

Because look where yours with four, six, ten and three has gotten you.

 

 

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*Excludes angry husbands, superstitions, so-called classical music and heavy metal

 

**Monitoring Of Ovulation Cycles Over Weeks

 

***Unless you want that...for a satisfyingly hollow victory you can share with your friends - then regret later - simply press the unit's Can't Win Button

Done