the little sparrow
because i want you to see the dead in my eyes.
IT'S NOT THAT BEAUTIFUL.
(to anybody else. but me.)
the exasperation. the exhaustion (though since i've been running on four hours of sleep every night that's accounted for). the "i'm so fucking sick of this world." (also, the "i need a fucking haircut.")
one thing i've been waiting to clarify, and i think that i should clarify it here, is that i am absolutely NOT pro-anorexia or pro-eating disorder. i do not endorse losing so much weight you look like an ugly bag of bones like i do (but i love it lolz :( sort of :(). if you are hungry for control, power--and aren't we all?--i suggest growing a garden or meditating or writing about it or doing something you CAN control instead of focusing on your intake. there's always something you can do instead of focus on food. i feel like it's all been taken away from me but i know better. i can't think of anything really, though. my anorexia is my favourite defense mechanism but dear god stay away from it!
ANYWAY. there has been a lot of ~publicity~ lately pertaining to pro-anorexia websites. the thing i've noticed about them is that unfortunately, they contain some people who have seemingly exhausted their options when it comes to losing weight and see anorexia or bulimia as their ONLY option. i can't imagine anybody coming into this intentionally. (in all honesty, my first flirtation with an eating disorder was because i wanted to die by starvation. i was fourteen. so i was irrational.) after a while you just get so empty. through all the hospitalisations and the doctor's appointments and the dietitians and the friends being afraid to eat around you or hug you or say fat or skinny and the therapists and the 'why can't you EAT?' it's like any other "part" of you that may have tried to exist is just thwarted. i think a lot of my defense mechanisms had been eradicated prior to my eating disorder--people made fun of my drawing, people didn't understand my writing, we didn't have the money to buy yarn for knitting, i felt uncomfortable around my friends, etc--and i developed one out of consequence, out of emptiness, to fill some gaping void by creating more emptiness. i know psychologically where my eating disorder came from and i think without it i'd still be an awful shell of a human being, an empty creature wanting to restore something that is beyond restoration (ooh, ambiguous!). but why would anybody want to get into this? anorexia is more than being skinny or losing your period like they talk about in magazines. it's guilt, and once you've shut that off, a weird sort of emptiness that you can pretend is happiness. it's numbing. a sedative. i wish that everybody wanted to be part of their world. it hurts me to see other anorexic girls (and guys, but i've never met an anorexic guy. i'm kind of going off on a tangent here) because i know how they feel. not exactly but enough. i mean... i know what i went through to get here. i can't imagine the equivalent for somebody else. there is always a trigger. wanting to lose weight may be the disguise but there's definitely a trigger.
we put ourselves through it because to us, it feels good, like we deserve it. but nobody does. i guess i just need to accept that.
because i want you to see the dead in my eyes.
IT'S NOT THAT BEAUTIFUL.
(to anybody else. but me.)
the exasperation. the exhaustion (though since i've been running on four hours of sleep every night that's accounted for). the "i'm so fucking sick of this world." (also, the "i need a fucking haircut.")
one thing i've been waiting to clarify, and i think that i should clarify it here, is that i am absolutely NOT pro-anorexia or pro-eating disorder. i do not endorse losing so much weight you look like an ugly bag of bones like i do (but i love it lolz :( sort of :(). if you are hungry for control, power--and aren't we all?--i suggest growing a garden or meditating or writing about it or doing something you CAN control instead of focusing on your intake. there's always something you can do instead of focus on food. i feel like it's all been taken away from me but i know better. i can't think of anything really, though. my anorexia is my favourite defense mechanism but dear god stay away from it!
ANYWAY. there has been a lot of ~publicity~ lately pertaining to pro-anorexia websites. the thing i've noticed about them is that unfortunately, they contain some people who have seemingly exhausted their options when it comes to losing weight and see anorexia or bulimia as their ONLY option. i can't imagine anybody coming into this intentionally. (in all honesty, my first flirtation with an eating disorder was because i wanted to die by starvation. i was fourteen. so i was irrational.) after a while you just get so empty. through all the hospitalisations and the doctor's appointments and the dietitians and the friends being afraid to eat around you or hug you or say fat or skinny and the therapists and the 'why can't you EAT?' it's like any other "part" of you that may have tried to exist is just thwarted. i think a lot of my defense mechanisms had been eradicated prior to my eating disorder--people made fun of my drawing, people didn't understand my writing, we didn't have the money to buy yarn for knitting, i felt uncomfortable around my friends, etc--and i developed one out of consequence, out of emptiness, to fill some gaping void by creating more emptiness. i know psychologically where my eating disorder came from and i think without it i'd still be an awful shell of a human being, an empty creature wanting to restore something that is beyond restoration (ooh, ambiguous!). but why would anybody want to get into this? anorexia is more than being skinny or losing your period like they talk about in magazines. it's guilt, and once you've shut that off, a weird sort of emptiness that you can pretend is happiness. it's numbing. a sedative. i wish that everybody wanted to be part of their world. it hurts me to see other anorexic girls (and guys, but i've never met an anorexic guy. i'm kind of going off on a tangent here) because i know how they feel. not exactly but enough. i mean... i know what i went through to get here. i can't imagine the equivalent for somebody else. there is always a trigger. wanting to lose weight may be the disguise but there's definitely a trigger.
we put ourselves through it because to us, it feels good, like we deserve it. but nobody does. i guess i just need to accept that.