Immediate~C
anti - self
I was hoping joining instagram would give me a better means of talking to people, and instant messaging would let me be a little more casual and natural. Instead, it seems every time I try to talk to anyone, I end up saying or doing the wrong thing, and I end up embarrassing myself. Sure, the people I'm talking to probably don't even think anything of it. But if I slip up and say something stupid, I'll carry that shame till the day I die.
For over an hour straight yesterday, I was just sitting there (is dissociating an apt description?) with my mind racing and my inner voice gnawing away at me. On the outside I was perfectly fine. I carried about my day and tried to occupy myself.
Low self-esteem combined with social anxiety makes for a nasty cocktail of thought. I melodramatically took to referring to it as 'social schizophrenia', because my inner monologue feels more like an inner demon, immediately resorting to self-deprecation at the slightest bit of embarrassment. Just nothing but "You are garbage. You are worthless. Shut up."
I finally decided to look into it, and learned the actual recognized term is 'anti-self', or the 'critical inner voice'. I don't know, it gives me a little bit of solace knowing these are actual known psychological phenomena
Sorry if this is a downer to anyone. I feel like its more healthy to vent my feelings artistically, rather than internalizing them and letting them continue to fester in my mind
anti - self
I was hoping joining instagram would give me a better means of talking to people, and instant messaging would let me be a little more casual and natural. Instead, it seems every time I try to talk to anyone, I end up saying or doing the wrong thing, and I end up embarrassing myself. Sure, the people I'm talking to probably don't even think anything of it. But if I slip up and say something stupid, I'll carry that shame till the day I die.
For over an hour straight yesterday, I was just sitting there (is dissociating an apt description?) with my mind racing and my inner voice gnawing away at me. On the outside I was perfectly fine. I carried about my day and tried to occupy myself.
Low self-esteem combined with social anxiety makes for a nasty cocktail of thought. I melodramatically took to referring to it as 'social schizophrenia', because my inner monologue feels more like an inner demon, immediately resorting to self-deprecation at the slightest bit of embarrassment. Just nothing but "You are garbage. You are worthless. Shut up."
I finally decided to look into it, and learned the actual recognized term is 'anti-self', or the 'critical inner voice'. I don't know, it gives me a little bit of solace knowing these are actual known psychological phenomena
Sorry if this is a downer to anyone. I feel like its more healthy to vent my feelings artistically, rather than internalizing them and letting them continue to fester in my mind