• ayda meisami •
the light at the end of the world
here i am again giving this flickr thing another try :) my life is a huge mess right now so not sure how active i can be.. but i miss seeing all the beautiful work from so many truly special artists and human beings and i'm tired of feeling scared to come back because of painful experiences in the past.. it's been 2 years since i last posted and life's been pretty rough since then and lately things have been so bad that even picking up a camera has been a struggle.. but it's in part the reality of this struggle that makes me determined not to lose the rare bright spark in my world that photography is which, while often driving me insane, is something i don't want to live without..
which brings me to the meaning behind this image.. part of it anyway.. i recently had to come stay with my father (in itself desperately hard for me) as i was in serious need of medical attention that i couldn't get in california for lack of insurance.. less than 2 weeks ago i had a long overdo eye exam which revealed really bad news.. i have proliferative diabetic retinopathy, a serious disease which, had it not been caught now, could have made me lose my sight at any moment.. there's nothing they can do to repair the damage already done but i'm currently undergoing a series of intensive (and painful..) laser surgeries that basically burn a large part of my retinas to stop the disease progressing and save my sight.. this has been pretty terrifying for me especially as a photographer and the surgery itself risks damaging my vision further.. but there's no other choice.. and now that the panic has begun to ease a bit, the realization of how close i was to disaster has made me even more determined not to waste any more time and not deny myself soul enriching experiences and beautiful sights when i was so close to losing the ability to experience them.. so i want to overcome my fear and lack of confidence and just do what i love and need to do without worrying if it will be good enough.. for me or for anyone else.. so that's partly why i'm here :)
i'm still struggling to see well as the surgery is quite brutal on the eyes but i pray that once it's all over i will still be able to work without the difficulties i'm having now and that the doctors can help the rest of me so the sight i'm grateful still to have can be put to use by a body not quite so broken..
this is dedicated to seeking the light.. even in the darkest of moments and places...
the light at the end of the world
here i am again giving this flickr thing another try :) my life is a huge mess right now so not sure how active i can be.. but i miss seeing all the beautiful work from so many truly special artists and human beings and i'm tired of feeling scared to come back because of painful experiences in the past.. it's been 2 years since i last posted and life's been pretty rough since then and lately things have been so bad that even picking up a camera has been a struggle.. but it's in part the reality of this struggle that makes me determined not to lose the rare bright spark in my world that photography is which, while often driving me insane, is something i don't want to live without..
which brings me to the meaning behind this image.. part of it anyway.. i recently had to come stay with my father (in itself desperately hard for me) as i was in serious need of medical attention that i couldn't get in california for lack of insurance.. less than 2 weeks ago i had a long overdo eye exam which revealed really bad news.. i have proliferative diabetic retinopathy, a serious disease which, had it not been caught now, could have made me lose my sight at any moment.. there's nothing they can do to repair the damage already done but i'm currently undergoing a series of intensive (and painful..) laser surgeries that basically burn a large part of my retinas to stop the disease progressing and save my sight.. this has been pretty terrifying for me especially as a photographer and the surgery itself risks damaging my vision further.. but there's no other choice.. and now that the panic has begun to ease a bit, the realization of how close i was to disaster has made me even more determined not to waste any more time and not deny myself soul enriching experiences and beautiful sights when i was so close to losing the ability to experience them.. so i want to overcome my fear and lack of confidence and just do what i love and need to do without worrying if it will be good enough.. for me or for anyone else.. so that's partly why i'm here :)
i'm still struggling to see well as the surgery is quite brutal on the eyes but i pray that once it's all over i will still be able to work without the difficulties i'm having now and that the doctors can help the rest of me so the sight i'm grateful still to have can be put to use by a body not quite so broken..
this is dedicated to seeking the light.. even in the darkest of moments and places...