#321: er, chocolate? what chocolate?

Does this chocolate make my butt look big? Yes.

Unfortunately, it does.

 

My husband is nothing like a woman. He rarely buys clothing

and shoes, but when he does, he doesn't wear them for weeks.

He can keep two pints of Ben & Jerry's in the freezer for

months without touching them, and then he eats a pint in one

sitting, never worrying about whether his butt looks too big.

And it never does. He's always doing pushups other sweaty

man stuff.

 

He hoards chocolate, too. He gets tons of it from his students

and doesn't think about it. He has chocolate oranges

from his stocking like three years ago. He also buys those

cartons of Snickers bars and Hershey's with almonds from

Costco and hides them in the basement.

 

He has to hide them.

 

Yesterday, youthful womanhood returned with a vengeance,

leaving my brain obliterated in fog, my abdomen rock hard

and distended, and my appetite sated only by that which

gives me wicked headaches.

 

I wanted it last night. (Not that, Patrick; sheesh.) I managed

to talk myself out of searching the basement for his stash at

10:00 p.m., but I raided the goods at around noon today.

The fun-size M&Ms, Snickers, and Reese's Peanut Butter

Cups were hiding under all manner of baseball cap in a giant

coffee can with all the camping gear.

 

I've had two fun-size and a bite-size Snickers, one pbc,

and a Peppermint Patty; I bought two of them at the store.

 

Fun-size my ass.

 

He'll notice the Snickers are gone in about two months, when

he goes to get one of the remaining ten. Yeah, I'm sure he's

counted them.

 

(Also for 365 Days. This is Day 321.)

Done