If you are considering a Hummer...

www.fuh2.com/

 

Thank you very much . Now fuck off and die.

 

I pity you if you already own one. You must be "car poor. "

 

Don't you know that American car manufacturers are feeding you the fat of their own gluttony?

 

 

A Prius meets a Hummer at the gas pumps

 

 

 

 

 

Prius driver

 

 

 

 

 

Hummer driver

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 gallon

 

 

 

 

That’s really quite a beast you’ve got there.

 

 

 

 

 

Yeah, what of it? I like my vehicles big.

 

 

 

 

2 gallons

 

 

 

 

But isn’t it the height of arrogance to drive such a gas guzzler? Especially, these days.

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, it’s a free country, buddy. At least my vehicle’s made in America.

 

 

 

 

3 gallons

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I suppose it is, everything but the gasoline that goes in it.

 

 

 

 

 

Well, if you liberals would open up Alaska to drilling there would be plenty of domestic oil.

 

 

 

 

4 gallons

 

 

 

 

Interesting, isn’t it, that when it comes to conservation of natural resources it’s the liberals who are conservative?

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not short-changing my lifestyle for some made up gas crisis.

 

 

 

 

5 gallons

 

 

 

 

I haven’t seen your rear bumper but I’m guessing there’s a W sticker back there.

 

 

 

 

 

What makes you so sure?

 

 

 

 

6 gallons

 

 

 

 

I’m guessing that not many Hummer drivers voted for Kerry.

 

 

 

 

 

Not if they had any sense. And what about you? What’s on your bumper? ‘Visualize Whirled Peas’?

 

 

 

 

7 gallons

 

 

 

 

That’s funny. Nah, just one sticker: 'Think. It’s patriotic.'

 

 

 

 

 

Are you saying that because I drive a Hummer I don’t think? I think plenty.

 

 

 

 

8 gallons

 

 

 

 

I’ll bet. Especially while you’re hanging around here at the gas station filling your tank every few days.

 

 

 

 

 

Look, I’m not an asshole, okay?

 

 

 

 

9 gallons

 

 

 

 

I never said you were.

 

 

 

 

 

But you think it.

 

 

 

 

10 gallons

 

 

 

 

There’s this game I like to play at parties. As I mingle and get to know people, I try to guess which ones would be Hummer drivers.

 

 

 

 

 

So the less you like people the more likely that they would drive a Hummer?

 

 

 

 

11 gallons

 

 

 

 

Pretty much.

 

 

 

 

 

You know, I could play the same game only in reverse.

 

 

 

 

12 gallons

 

 

 

 

Hey, I’d love to chat some more, but I’m finished here. 12 gallons. That’ll keep me going for a few weeks. Listen, take care. Good luck living with yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

Happy trails, granola boy. Try to stay out of the tread in my tires with that windup toy of yours.

 

 

 

 

13 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What a prick.

 

 

 

 

14 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m not the asshole; he’s the asshole.

 

 

 

 

15 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t know what this country’s coming to.

 

 

 

 

16 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn, do I look hot standing against this Hummer, or what?

 

 

 

 

17 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder if we should have a family picture taken in front of the Hummer for our Christmas card this year.

 

 

 

 

18 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Darla’s gonna love those breast implants I’m getting her for Christmas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

19 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look at these gas prices! I sure hope the President can do something about this. Maybe we do need to invade another Arab country.

 

 

 

 

20 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bush is a fine president, you know? Maybe even as good as Reagan. I think they ought to put both of their faces up on Mt. Rushmore.

 

 

 

 

21 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I miss full serve gas stations. I could be sitting inside listening to Bill O'Reilly on the radio right now.

 

 

 

 

22 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder what kind of bonus I’ll get this year.

 

 

 

 

23 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What we need in this country is another tax cut. That would set things right.

 

 

 

 

24 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stupid hybrids. How would I tow my speed boat in one of those goddamned tin cups?

 

 

 

 

25 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me an asshole. Imagine. How dare that guy judge me. People look up to me. That reminds me I need to clip my nose hairs.

 

 

 

 

26 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe I should take this baby off-road some time. Man, that would be a blast. Nah, all that mud. I just got her detailed.

 

 

 

 

27 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What would Jesus drive? I’ll bet he’d drive a Hummer.

 

 

 

 

28 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Born in the USA, I was born in the USA – I really love that song...

 

 

 

 

29 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

...too bad Springsteen is a communist traitor now.

 

 

 

 

30 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thirty gallons? That’s all? I’m going to be late for work again.

 

 

 

 

31 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Look at all these foreigners around here. Good thing I renewed my NRA membership.

 

 

 

 

32 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nice weather, I should leave early and play golf at the club.

 

 

 

 

33 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hey, nobody’s called me on my cell phone in like ten minutes. What’s up with that?

 

 

 

 

34 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I wonder how the market is doing.

 

 

 

 

35 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lordy, look at that babe. She’s checking me out. Chicks dig my Hummer. And guys are jealous. That’s the flat-out truth.

 

 

 

 

36 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t get that Prius guy out of my head. Why am I letting him bother me?

 

 

 

 

37 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He’s nobody. Probably one of them crazy scientists who believe in climate change. He should listen to Rush Limbaugh. Then he’d know the truth.

 

 

 

 

38 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Okay, I’ve got to let go. Remember, liberal Democrats are people, too. Just misguided.

 

 

 

 

39 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See, I am not an asshole. I’m a compassionate conservative blessed with uncommon good sense and lots of money.

 

 

 

 

40 gallons

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full. Finally. Now I can be on my way. It’s gonna be a great day. Sure is good to be me.

 

 

9:07:22 AM Stories comments [29]

 

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Last update: 3/25/2006; 10:07:46 AM.

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