My Five Year Anniversary: The Return of Dolls
On January 4, 2011 I made a decision that would shape the next five years of my life, and change me forever as a person. For the previous five years, I had suppressed my inner passion for dolls that had been part of me since I was two years old. As a teenager, I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my once beloved hobby. In an attempt to "grow up" I denied myself any dolls, or even any thoughts of them. But after my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late 2009, my view of myself and of life changed for the better. It took me a while to finally reclaim my doll hobby, but eventually I picked up where I left off. It was this day in January 2011 that finally motivated me to do the unthinkable--I asked my dad if I could buy a Satiny Shimmer Mulan doll from eBay. I really can't explain why it was this particular doll that broke me, but when I found Mulan while scrolling through eBay listings, I simply couldn't pretend that I wasn't into dolls anymore. Even though I was terrified of what dad and my sister might say, I gathered the courage and found it within myself to ask Dad if I could get her. It might have taken me several years to fully banish dolls from my life, but it was effortless for them to become a part of it again. Within the same day of ordering Mulan, I had purchased several other Disney dolls on eBay. I think part of why it took me so long to crack and to finally buy another doll was because I was afraid that all the time that had passed would somehow have changed my love for them. I was terrified that things would be different and not like they were when I was younger. While my feelings for dolls had not changed, times had, and as a result my collection became something even more wonderful than it had been before. If I had never taken that risk and asked for Mulan, I wouldn't be the same person, and as a result, my life would be unrecognizable. That is why I wanted to dedicate a photo to this day in my life--because it started a chain reaction that would alter the course of the next five years. This is the story of the journey that I have been on for the past five years, who I have ultimately become, and how my collection came to be what it is today.
The early days of my resurgence back into dolls were very different than today. I saw this time as a fresh start for myself and my collection, so I seized the opportunity and tried to "perfect" it. In the beginning, my intention had only been to collect old Mattel Disney dolls. I was not interested in any Barbies, Bratz, American Girl dolls, etc, and I did not want to give any new generation or different manufacturer a chance. I also decided that now that I was a "collector" and not a kid, I should try and keep dolls boxed. But from the get go, this limited doll collection did not work for me. Within a month or so, I started to buy Barbie dolls, and I even dabbled with Disney dolls that did not fit my "requirements." I also realized that I could not physically keep a doll boxed...I could never resist the urge to open them. By the end of that year, Bratz had made a massive comeback into my life, and they became my favorite thing to collect. Even though I "broke" my earliest set of rules, that didn't stop me from making new ones for myself. I was very adamant about not keeping duplicates. I actually had a yard sale/donation bin that I kept in my basement. Each time I acquired a duplicate in a lot, I chose which one to keep, and put the other in the dreaded yard sale container. I'm ashamed to say that many of my childhood favorites and cherished adult purchases spent time in this container waiting for the day that they would be sold at a yard sale. Luckily, that day did not come for most of my dolls, although there were quite a few that I did manage to get rid of. During the first two years of collecting, from 2011 to 2013, I chased after the never ending pursuit of perfection. Whether that meant feeling bad about how many dolls I had, pretending not to like a type of doll that didn't fit into the mold I created, or constantly customizing dolls until they were completely destroyed. As much as I was grateful for the return of dolls into my life, I was constantly analyzing my collection, and thus taking the fun out of the hobby. By the end of 2013, I hit a crossroad. I came to the realization something needed to change...my attitude. At the time, I had an old Flickr account under another name. I opted to delete it because I had so much going on in my life and in my head. I decided that I needed rediscover myself and my passion for dolls in the purest of ways, which meant cutting myself off from the internet and from my own set of "rules."
My break from the internet and my quest to rediscover what I loved about dolls in the first place, was the second best decision I ever made for my collection. There were many dolls and experiences that changed my perspective about doll collecting and about myself. It was during this time that I really figured out who I was as a collector and what I wanted to get out of my doll hobby. I decided to have an open mind and an open heart towards all dolls. Whatever preconceived notions I had, I let go of them. Bratz were really the dolls that helped shape this new found attitude. I learned to love all generations of them, whether they were tall, fish lipped, or just plain gimmicky. By learning to accept Bratz, a switch in my brain flipped. Suddenly, I was able to take that same mentality and use it towards all types of dolls. My entire outlook changed, and I was able to enjoy all sorts of different dolls for the first time in my life. There were dolls that completely surprised me--like Gem Styling Merida or Quick Curl Skipper. They were both dolls that my sister and I previously wrote off as "cheap" and "unworthy." But after rescuing both of these dolls and showing them a little love, we realized just how rewarding both of them were. This wasn't limited to just the two of them--I realized this about so many dolls. If I just gave them a chance, showered them with love and attention, I would discover something magnetic and magical about each one. I came to see that every doll has his or her own flaws, and that none of them would ever truly be "perfect." I learned to be okay with that--in fact, it is these quirks that give a doll their identity, just like as human beings we all have our faults. I started to see my life in the same way that I saw a doll--I approached every day and every situation with an open mind, and instead of fixating on what I didn't like, I focused on the positive attributes. This realization that nothing in life, no doll, no person, no situation, is perfect, liberated me. It gave me the ability to fully enjoy everything, especially my collection. That fear that once held me back, was gone. I was no longer afraid of change--I was motivated to buy dolls that previously I feared would disappoint me. Dolls like Nellie helped me get over those fears. She gave me back a piece of my childhood that I had been missing. I was stunted by the fear that American Girl dolls would let me down, so I had avoided fully getting back into them until 2014. Overcoming those feelings gave me back what I had lost years before, and allowed me the opportunity to fulfill childhood dreams, like owning a Julie doll. I decided in this time to throw out the "rule book" that I had written for myself. If I wanted to buy that brand new Barbie, I would. If I liked that American Girl doll that came out during my doll hiatus, I bought her. If I acquired an eighth Strut It! Yasmin in a bin of dolls, I kept her. If I in fact liked the "tall" Bratz, Bratzillaz, Moxie Girlz, etc, I embraced it, and didn't repress them from my collection any longer. I let these new dolls and experiences inspire me and shape my collection, and by doing so, I freed myself.
All of these years, both when I was a child and when I started my adult collection, have made me into the person and collector that I am today. I can honestly say that I am more passionate and inspired by dolls than I ever have been in my entire life. They have become one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences for me, because I have allowed them to be. I love dolls of all makes, eras, generations, types, etc. nowadays. While I don't collect every doll in the world, and I probably never will, I always try to keep an open mind, because one day, that doll I "don't like" might mean the world to me. I've finally learned to harness my passion for dolls and art and to unite the two together. I've discovered who I am as an artist, and I how I want to portray that through my collection. I've realized that some things will never change. I still love rescuing dolls from flea markets and second hand places, and restoring them to their former glory. Dolls still have "feelings" to me. I have accepted that I will always have "too many" dolls, and that I quite frankly am incapable of having a small, limited collection. I've come to see that I have so many different interests, and that I should embrace them instead of control them. I finally got around to fulfilling a dream I've had since I was twelve years old and first discovered the "Katti's Dolls" website that I used to spend hours on daily. I've found a purpose for the internet--to not only share my collection, but to inspire others to stay true to themselves and find happiness in their lives and collections. I want to project as much positivity and love to the world by using my dolls. These days, I try to only focus on what I love about life and my dolls, and I've stopped wasting any of my energy or my time on negativity. I've let go of the reins that were holding onto my collection and I let it do its own thing. I allowed my experiences, current phases, and whatever dolls I come across shape my collection. I've realized that collecting isn't about the end result, but it is about the journey, what you learn from it, and how happy it makes you.
I am grateful for every mistake and wrong turn that brought me here. Without my mess ups and if I had not lost myself altogether at some point, I wouldn't be the person or collector I am today. If I had not taken a five year hiatus, if I hadn't tried so hard to aspire to be someone I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to rediscover who I actually am. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to fall in love with dolls all over again. I think at some point in all our lives, we lose sight of who we are, and we don't recognize the person staring back at us in the mirror. But that's part of our journey to self discovery. The only mistake worth regretting is one that you don't learn from. Therefore, I harbor no regrets and no resentment towards any of the decisions that I have made. If I had never gotten "too cool" for dolls, I would never value and appreciate my dolls the way I do now. When I stopped forcing my collection into a box, when I stopped trying to prod it into the perfect "idea" of what it should be, it became even more wonderful than what I ever could have imagined. Looking back, I see that my largest mistake during my early days of collecting was that my over analytical approach to dolls made the hobby become stressful instead of fun. As my mom once told my sister and I when we were young, "Choosing which dolls you want to play with isn't a life changing decision, like choosing to do drugs." Those words hold so much wisdom because sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the small details, and to miss the overall picture. At the end of the day, whatever you choose to do in life should ultimately make you happy and should not stress you out or ignite negativity. My dolls have taught me that sometimes you have to let go and allow things to take their own natural course. My dolls have truly freed me from my pursuit of perfection, my negativity, and they have allowed me to find genuine happiness and self acceptance, and for that I will always be grateful...and without my Satiny Shimmer Mulan doll, none of this would have been possible.
My Five Year Anniversary: The Return of Dolls
On January 4, 2011 I made a decision that would shape the next five years of my life, and change me forever as a person. For the previous five years, I had suppressed my inner passion for dolls that had been part of me since I was two years old. As a teenager, I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my once beloved hobby. In an attempt to "grow up" I denied myself any dolls, or even any thoughts of them. But after my dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in late 2009, my view of myself and of life changed for the better. It took me a while to finally reclaim my doll hobby, but eventually I picked up where I left off. It was this day in January 2011 that finally motivated me to do the unthinkable--I asked my dad if I could buy a Satiny Shimmer Mulan doll from eBay. I really can't explain why it was this particular doll that broke me, but when I found Mulan while scrolling through eBay listings, I simply couldn't pretend that I wasn't into dolls anymore. Even though I was terrified of what dad and my sister might say, I gathered the courage and found it within myself to ask Dad if I could get her. It might have taken me several years to fully banish dolls from my life, but it was effortless for them to become a part of it again. Within the same day of ordering Mulan, I had purchased several other Disney dolls on eBay. I think part of why it took me so long to crack and to finally buy another doll was because I was afraid that all the time that had passed would somehow have changed my love for them. I was terrified that things would be different and not like they were when I was younger. While my feelings for dolls had not changed, times had, and as a result my collection became something even more wonderful than it had been before. If I had never taken that risk and asked for Mulan, I wouldn't be the same person, and as a result, my life would be unrecognizable. That is why I wanted to dedicate a photo to this day in my life--because it started a chain reaction that would alter the course of the next five years. This is the story of the journey that I have been on for the past five years, who I have ultimately become, and how my collection came to be what it is today.
The early days of my resurgence back into dolls were very different than today. I saw this time as a fresh start for myself and my collection, so I seized the opportunity and tried to "perfect" it. In the beginning, my intention had only been to collect old Mattel Disney dolls. I was not interested in any Barbies, Bratz, American Girl dolls, etc, and I did not want to give any new generation or different manufacturer a chance. I also decided that now that I was a "collector" and not a kid, I should try and keep dolls boxed. But from the get go, this limited doll collection did not work for me. Within a month or so, I started to buy Barbie dolls, and I even dabbled with Disney dolls that did not fit my "requirements." I also realized that I could not physically keep a doll boxed...I could never resist the urge to open them. By the end of that year, Bratz had made a massive comeback into my life, and they became my favorite thing to collect. Even though I "broke" my earliest set of rules, that didn't stop me from making new ones for myself. I was very adamant about not keeping duplicates. I actually had a yard sale/donation bin that I kept in my basement. Each time I acquired a duplicate in a lot, I chose which one to keep, and put the other in the dreaded yard sale container. I'm ashamed to say that many of my childhood favorites and cherished adult purchases spent time in this container waiting for the day that they would be sold at a yard sale. Luckily, that day did not come for most of my dolls, although there were quite a few that I did manage to get rid of. During the first two years of collecting, from 2011 to 2013, I chased after the never ending pursuit of perfection. Whether that meant feeling bad about how many dolls I had, pretending not to like a type of doll that didn't fit into the mold I created, or constantly customizing dolls until they were completely destroyed. As much as I was grateful for the return of dolls into my life, I was constantly analyzing my collection, and thus taking the fun out of the hobby. By the end of 2013, I hit a crossroad. I came to the realization something needed to change...my attitude. At the time, I had an old Flickr account under another name. I opted to delete it because I had so much going on in my life and in my head. I decided that I needed rediscover myself and my passion for dolls in the purest of ways, which meant cutting myself off from the internet and from my own set of "rules."
My break from the internet and my quest to rediscover what I loved about dolls in the first place, was the second best decision I ever made for my collection. There were many dolls and experiences that changed my perspective about doll collecting and about myself. It was during this time that I really figured out who I was as a collector and what I wanted to get out of my doll hobby. I decided to have an open mind and an open heart towards all dolls. Whatever preconceived notions I had, I let go of them. Bratz were really the dolls that helped shape this new found attitude. I learned to love all generations of them, whether they were tall, fish lipped, or just plain gimmicky. By learning to accept Bratz, a switch in my brain flipped. Suddenly, I was able to take that same mentality and use it towards all types of dolls. My entire outlook changed, and I was able to enjoy all sorts of different dolls for the first time in my life. There were dolls that completely surprised me--like Gem Styling Merida or Quick Curl Skipper. They were both dolls that my sister and I previously wrote off as "cheap" and "unworthy." But after rescuing both of these dolls and showing them a little love, we realized just how rewarding both of them were. This wasn't limited to just the two of them--I realized this about so many dolls. If I just gave them a chance, showered them with love and attention, I would discover something magnetic and magical about each one. I came to see that every doll has his or her own flaws, and that none of them would ever truly be "perfect." I learned to be okay with that--in fact, it is these quirks that give a doll their identity, just like as human beings we all have our faults. I started to see my life in the same way that I saw a doll--I approached every day and every situation with an open mind, and instead of fixating on what I didn't like, I focused on the positive attributes. This realization that nothing in life, no doll, no person, no situation, is perfect, liberated me. It gave me the ability to fully enjoy everything, especially my collection. That fear that once held me back, was gone. I was no longer afraid of change--I was motivated to buy dolls that previously I feared would disappoint me. Dolls like Nellie helped me get over those fears. She gave me back a piece of my childhood that I had been missing. I was stunted by the fear that American Girl dolls would let me down, so I had avoided fully getting back into them until 2014. Overcoming those feelings gave me back what I had lost years before, and allowed me the opportunity to fulfill childhood dreams, like owning a Julie doll. I decided in this time to throw out the "rule book" that I had written for myself. If I wanted to buy that brand new Barbie, I would. If I liked that American Girl doll that came out during my doll hiatus, I bought her. If I acquired an eighth Strut It! Yasmin in a bin of dolls, I kept her. If I in fact liked the "tall" Bratz, Bratzillaz, Moxie Girlz, etc, I embraced it, and didn't repress them from my collection any longer. I let these new dolls and experiences inspire me and shape my collection, and by doing so, I freed myself.
All of these years, both when I was a child and when I started my adult collection, have made me into the person and collector that I am today. I can honestly say that I am more passionate and inspired by dolls than I ever have been in my entire life. They have become one of the most rewarding and fulfilling experiences for me, because I have allowed them to be. I love dolls of all makes, eras, generations, types, etc. nowadays. While I don't collect every doll in the world, and I probably never will, I always try to keep an open mind, because one day, that doll I "don't like" might mean the world to me. I've finally learned to harness my passion for dolls and art and to unite the two together. I've discovered who I am as an artist, and I how I want to portray that through my collection. I've realized that some things will never change. I still love rescuing dolls from flea markets and second hand places, and restoring them to their former glory. Dolls still have "feelings" to me. I have accepted that I will always have "too many" dolls, and that I quite frankly am incapable of having a small, limited collection. I've come to see that I have so many different interests, and that I should embrace them instead of control them. I finally got around to fulfilling a dream I've had since I was twelve years old and first discovered the "Katti's Dolls" website that I used to spend hours on daily. I've found a purpose for the internet--to not only share my collection, but to inspire others to stay true to themselves and find happiness in their lives and collections. I want to project as much positivity and love to the world by using my dolls. These days, I try to only focus on what I love about life and my dolls, and I've stopped wasting any of my energy or my time on negativity. I've let go of the reins that were holding onto my collection and I let it do its own thing. I allowed my experiences, current phases, and whatever dolls I come across shape my collection. I've realized that collecting isn't about the end result, but it is about the journey, what you learn from it, and how happy it makes you.
I am grateful for every mistake and wrong turn that brought me here. Without my mess ups and if I had not lost myself altogether at some point, I wouldn't be the person or collector I am today. If I had not taken a five year hiatus, if I hadn't tried so hard to aspire to be someone I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to rediscover who I actually am. I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to fall in love with dolls all over again. I think at some point in all our lives, we lose sight of who we are, and we don't recognize the person staring back at us in the mirror. But that's part of our journey to self discovery. The only mistake worth regretting is one that you don't learn from. Therefore, I harbor no regrets and no resentment towards any of the decisions that I have made. If I had never gotten "too cool" for dolls, I would never value and appreciate my dolls the way I do now. When I stopped forcing my collection into a box, when I stopped trying to prod it into the perfect "idea" of what it should be, it became even more wonderful than what I ever could have imagined. Looking back, I see that my largest mistake during my early days of collecting was that my over analytical approach to dolls made the hobby become stressful instead of fun. As my mom once told my sister and I when we were young, "Choosing which dolls you want to play with isn't a life changing decision, like choosing to do drugs." Those words hold so much wisdom because sometimes it's easy to get caught up in the small details, and to miss the overall picture. At the end of the day, whatever you choose to do in life should ultimately make you happy and should not stress you out or ignite negativity. My dolls have taught me that sometimes you have to let go and allow things to take their own natural course. My dolls have truly freed me from my pursuit of perfection, my negativity, and they have allowed me to find genuine happiness and self acceptance, and for that I will always be grateful...and without my Satiny Shimmer Mulan doll, none of this would have been possible.