Amanda Mabel
Day 176/365 ~ Maybe it's Time to Change and Leave it All Behind; I've Never Been One to Walk Alone I've Always Been Scared to Try
June 7, 2011.
This is my sister
Maybe I'm a dreamer; Maybe I'm misunderstood; Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm too afraid to let go of everything I believe in.
Maybe, I prefer to stray towards the familiar.
Maybe all I need is a little change to make me feel better.
Change scares me. It takes away the constants in my life. It makes me feel like I have nothing and nobody to rely on anymore, like everyone is slowly taking footsteps out of my life with silent precision. As if, I am left alone in an empty room with all the lights turned off in black darkness. Almost akin to one of those heavy nightmares, where I'm an invisible bystander unable to do anything to stop what is going to happen, looking on helplessly as everyone fades into the murky shadows lining the walls, without glancing once in my direction.
But I've never thought about needing change. All I've ever thought about, was fearing it. Skirting around the edges of something familiar becoming strange; struggling to accept people going out, and coming in my life; switching blazing summer skylines for desolate winter roads with faint reluctance. As the cold wintry wind tangles through my rippling hair, I allow the chill to sting my eyes as I consider everything I used to believe in. I used to hide the fact that I loved being alone, because I knew it would mean an automatic stereotype of 'loner', 'loser', 'antisocial' etc. I used to force myself to like the things that everybody else liked, listening to music genres that held no meaning for me whatsoever. I used to be passive and stand on the bylines, letting my conscience sink down to the deepest depths of the smudged ugliness in my heart.
Looking back on that, I feel like I owe myself an apology. For the facades, for the pretenses, for the conforming. Yet now I realize that I've changed all of that. Because trying to submerge the person who I really am is like trying to hide light in a glass jar; it can't be done. Without change I would have never been able to begin to accept the real personality trying to break out in my mind. I do need change. We all do.
Day 176/365 ~ Maybe it's Time to Change and Leave it All Behind; I've Never Been One to Walk Alone I've Always Been Scared to Try
June 7, 2011.
This is my sister
Maybe I'm a dreamer; Maybe I'm misunderstood; Maybe you're not seeing the side of me you should
Maybe I'm too afraid to let go of everything I believe in.
Maybe, I prefer to stray towards the familiar.
Maybe all I need is a little change to make me feel better.
Change scares me. It takes away the constants in my life. It makes me feel like I have nothing and nobody to rely on anymore, like everyone is slowly taking footsteps out of my life with silent precision. As if, I am left alone in an empty room with all the lights turned off in black darkness. Almost akin to one of those heavy nightmares, where I'm an invisible bystander unable to do anything to stop what is going to happen, looking on helplessly as everyone fades into the murky shadows lining the walls, without glancing once in my direction.
But I've never thought about needing change. All I've ever thought about, was fearing it. Skirting around the edges of something familiar becoming strange; struggling to accept people going out, and coming in my life; switching blazing summer skylines for desolate winter roads with faint reluctance. As the cold wintry wind tangles through my rippling hair, I allow the chill to sting my eyes as I consider everything I used to believe in. I used to hide the fact that I loved being alone, because I knew it would mean an automatic stereotype of 'loner', 'loser', 'antisocial' etc. I used to force myself to like the things that everybody else liked, listening to music genres that held no meaning for me whatsoever. I used to be passive and stand on the bylines, letting my conscience sink down to the deepest depths of the smudged ugliness in my heart.
Looking back on that, I feel like I owe myself an apology. For the facades, for the pretenses, for the conforming. Yet now I realize that I've changed all of that. Because trying to submerge the person who I really am is like trying to hide light in a glass jar; it can't be done. Without change I would have never been able to begin to accept the real personality trying to break out in my mind. I do need change. We all do.