oh, hey, hello!

Originally shot this self-portrait to share on FB with the caption "oh, hey, hello from a planet far, far away." But close enough for binoculars, apparently.

 

I'm the kind of person to tell a complete stranger my life story knowing I will never see them again. I actually prefer that type of interaction when it comes to sharing my feelings. Flickr, you are my stranger.

 

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. Motherhood is stressful. More so when you're sleep deprived though your baby is kind enough to be sleeping through the night.

 

I quit my job back in December. It's been almost a year since my son was born and I've coped well with the transition. But there's times when la chinga is tough.

 

The internet became a thing when I was about 15 so I feel like my generation needs to have an online presence to feel alive. Self-portraiture is still a thing, even though I've read the personal essay is dead.

 

I haven't kept up with my writing or journal consistently for years, but I keep coming back to it for my sanity.

 

I've been considering deleting my FB AGAIN because it has become too much of a political platform. But perhaps that's just the world. Everybody seems to be wounded and crying about it online.

 

I feel ashamed for adding to the cyber drama but I guess if we're all screaming into the abyss I may as well let my voice be heard. I would do a portrait with a megaphone if I had one lying around.

 

My friend was mourning her involvement in architecture the other day and I reminded her that she is a high school teacher now... and I thought of how I mourn that I am not a writer despite the fact I have a creative writing degree.

 

I told my husband that I chose my degree based on the councelor's "don't fret" attitude about choosing a major: "People change their careers about 5 times in a lifetime." or however many.

 

Right now I'm mourning the fact that I'm not working outside the home. I get photo gigs and they trully are work with a crying baby at my feet. Como dije, es una chinga.

Y entiendo que hay chingas peores.

 

Anyway. For years I've felt like I've been losing myself despite also feeling like I've never found out my true calling. And it's been an existential crisis since I was like 13. I don't know why it is so important for me to be "true to myself" and why I think it would be sad if I wasn't. That being said, I think I am attuned to when I'm not being authentic and I don't think I've let myself be "authentic" for years.

 

It becomes worse when you become a parent. You're constantly in midst of strangers; be it at the library, the doctor's office, the grocery store. You're not really allowed to express your authentic self very often in public spaces, especially not if you're an introvert, and it is taking its toll.

The other day a coach tried to recruit me for the master's swim class at the natatorium on the premise that: "you wouldn't be swimming alone."

 

I PREFER doing things alone. I don't need a workout or shopping buddy. If anything, they will slow me down. Not because I'm always more athletic but because I feel I must "entertain" them instead of performing the task at hand. And people are draining. I was raised anti-social, and by golly, it seems I will DIE anti-social lol

 

But now I gotta think about the effect of my actions on my son. I saw a nice parenting title on Amazon: "How to Traumatize Your Children: 7 Proven Methods to Help You Screw Up Your Kids Deliberately and with Skill". I should buy it.

 

I realize when i wake up my thoughts will all seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things. But I feel like that's now an issue. The fact that I don't feel strongly about one particular cause. lol Like, everyone seems to be waving some protest sign and I'm still over here being 12 trying to figure out how I feel. [Insert eye roll.] I tell myself the world needs people like me. Not so much apathetic but able to see the opinion in things people take to heart as immovable TRUTHS. Will you quit it with the banners already? Maybe I'm missing a backbone. But I feel if everybody got a planet based on differences and opressions they would still find something to differ and fight about.

 

I'm not bragging but I cry for the state of the world more consistently than I write. And I don't know that I want to carry that weight. I got a kid to feed three times a day plus snacks!

Before I had him I would push self-destruct in a heartbeat! Now.. I would probably try to save children four-years and under lol. Let's see if their innocent nature can trully build a just and equal world.

 

And I realize suicide is the easy way out and not a solution at all. I was also not raised to problem solve. I don't want to pick up the latest political fad. I want to beleive in something but it all seems flawed. I need something that is pure and true. I've caught myself searching twice: Once in religion another in literature and I've been let down both times. I cannot idolize or place faith in imperfection. It doesn't seem worth it to me. As I've gotten older, I've started to respect our attempts at perfection... but idk, is that the end goal? I was influenced to think that it is.

 

I should read more so that I have more to go on than my pubescent opinion.

 

Speaking of puberty. If you're intending to have children, go ahead and wear a bikini to the beach or the pool the rest of the summer. Because your stomach may never be the same after you give birth. I'm mourning that too. A little too hard, I'd say. I looked about 3 months pregnant at the end of the day years before getting pregnant so Idk why I'm now surprised about my belly. I guess because now it's looking 3 months pregnant ALL DAY LOL Just--maybe it'll get better with the years but, I'm short, so, probably not. But I'm hoping.

 

I guess that's all the traumas I have for tonight. Thanks for listening.

Done