15-09-07_Day_149

My Maddie dog had a blanket that she used to snuggle with that I've held on to and I hug when the missing her gets too strong. Kitty Bones didn't have anything like that, but I did hang on to her mice that she used to play with. I've put the other two up on the shelf, but I can't quite put this one up yet. I touch it every day, since I can no longer touch my fur baby.

 

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I miss you.

 

I always knew that when this time came, that I would miss you, but I didn’t realize the empty place you would leave behind when you left. You were my first baby, with me the longest…I loved on you for 16 years. Thank you for every purr, leg thump, scratch, yell and love that you gave to me.

 

I remember the night you came home. You sat, a tiny puff of fur, on the street behind my apartment. You were one baby of a litter of kittens that had been born under my bedroom window and subsequently moved a few weeks later. When the car stopped and I opened my door, you didn’t run away. You ran to me, let me pick you up and never once struggled. I brought you inside and you fell asleep on your back, sprawled out in the middle of the sofa. Home. And you had chosen your human….

 

You followed me everywhere, even until your last days, wherever I was, you were never too far away. After you had gained enough weight to be spayed, I was ‘bedridden’ along with you because you would struggle to walk to wherever I was. So I just sat with you, loved on you and waited for you to heal.

 

You were never quiet, were always opinionated and loved to play. You almost got me in trouble at the first apartment. They didn’t know I had you and you decided to remove a section of carpet between the hall and bedroom. I spent a couple hours that night gluing little pieces of carpet back in place so I wouldn’t lose my deposit.

 

I remember how you used to carry your furry toy ball around, the one covered in fabric. It barely fit in your mouth, but you’d pick it up and would play fetch with it. I remember how you used to attack door jambs. You would sit at the base of the doorway, ears back with that crazy look in your eyes, and you would jump straight up in the air. You’d dig your claws into the jamb as you slid back down to the ground, the entire time staring right at me. I lost some of my deposit at my condo for that. You used to hide under the kitchen table, and would attack my legs, especially if I wore those black pants that flowed a lot at the bottom. We’d play tag that way. You would stalk me, and then I would stalk you back. Eventually, I’d grab your face while you were on your back and you’d kick your back legs against my arm. Then you would jump up and run away and we’d start the game all over again.

 

You didn’t play so much this last year. Your furry mice, the ones missing tails and eyes and fur from years of play, still sit as reminders to me of all the time we spent playing together. There are 3 that I kept, and they show the progression of years, each one played with a little less as you slept more and gave up the games in your old age.

 

I remember the first time when you got sick. That morning was terrible. You didn’t come look for me when I woke up like you normally did, so I went looking for you. And you were scared and started crying for me as soon as you heard me come into the room. Your poor little head was spinning in circles. I immediately drove you to the emergency vet, and waited for the worst news as all of the tests were run. They told me that there were 4 possibilities, and only 1 meant you had a chance. The other 3… it would have been time to say goodbye all those years ago. Amazingly, it was the 1: Toxoplasmosis. And so began a 3 month journey of daily antibiotics, liquefied Dramamine, and hand feeding you water and food. I will never forget the moment when you rested your sweet little head in my hand and fell asleep for what was probably the first time in a couple days. I just laid there, on the hard tile floor, cradling your head in my hand to help keep it from spinning, and loved on you and waited for you to heal.

 

Against the odds you made a full recovery! You walked a little bit crooked for about a year, but God gave you 6 more healthy years with me.

 

I remember how you loved sitting in the niche in the kitchen at the old house. Every morning, since you were a kitten, we would share a tiny bit of milk together (until you became a traitor and shared milk with my One instead), and that niche was your spot. You’d sit and wait there for me to bring it to you. I will miss that, sharing our milk together. And there are so many other things I will miss too…

 

I will miss how you would warn me about the shower, about the dangerous and deadly water that was sure to do me harm. And I will miss how after my showers you would lick the water off my feet then try your hardest to rub against my wet legs.

 

I will miss how at night, you would so gingerly jump on the bed that I’d barely notice, except for just being aware of your presence. You wanted to be near me as much as I wanted you there too.

 

I will miss in the mornings how I had to hide from you that I was actually awake, or you’d start yelling and wouldn’t leave me alone until I followed you to the kitchen.

 

I will miss how any time I was in the kitchen, you thought you were getting something, which meant you probably were.

 

I will miss sharing cheese with you. I used to share it with Maddie, but after she was gone, you suddenly liked cheese…

 

I will miss faking you out that I gave you fresh water, since I had just given you fresh water an hour ago. You were so weird about that.

 

I will miss you sitting and staring at me… freaky, intense staring, usually from around the corner of the sofa.

 

I will miss how you’d tail whip me, usually in the face, while you acted like you neither noticed or cared.

 

I will miss how you would snuggle, and lay on my stomach while we both slept and my One played video games.

 

I will miss how you had your “safe” chair and how our blankets were really your blankets.

 

I will miss getting ready in the mornings with you. You’d be in the bathroom with me, bumping my legs or waiting on the stairs for me to follow you downstairs.

 

I will miss how you used to peel out running up and down the stairs, even up to your last week with me.

 

I will miss how silly you looked when you’d get your summer haircut. Even shaving you, you still were the hairball queen. You always looked so little after the heaps of fur were gone. And I will miss how angry you looked afterwards, fervently cleaning yourself and glaring at me…

 

I will miss how you waited until the quietest possible moment when I was napping or trying to sleep to clean yourself….loudly.

 

I will miss how if you were in the bathroom when I was, you’d rub against my legs and want to be pet… and how this would freak out guests if they mistakenly used the bathroom without kicking you out.

 

I will miss how you interacted with my One, how you so happily spent hours in his lap, making his legs and feet fall asleep.

 

I will miss giving you forced loves, holding you in that awkward, stiff bodied position, then trying to set you down without getting mauled.

 

I will miss playing with you… on the bed, the way you’d stalk my hand under the sheet… with your furry mice and all of your goalie moves.

 

I will miss the sound you made when you jumped off anything; the sofa, the bed… a mighty “unnngh” as if you weighed a thousand pounds.

 

I will miss talking with you through the door when I got home, and I will miss how you would stand in my way when I tried to come inside.

 

I will miss the way you would dramatically fall down, complete with sound effects, and wait to be pet. And I will miss the way when I pet your belly that you got super flat, and chirped and purred.

 

I will miss the way you would flirt with your own reflection out the back door and chirp at it.

 

I will miss the way you loved to find a sunny spot and sun bathe.

 

I will miss that no matter what I wore, light or dark, your fur could be seen on it, my black and white kitty.

 

I will miss that when I ate fish or turkey, you were right there to let me know you liked to eat those too….and if I ignored you, then you would tap me with your paw to remind me that you were there.

 

I miss how when Maddie was alive, how you always slept near each other, and how after she passed you became my shadow in her stead. You knew I needed you more than ever, and you loved on me and waited for me to heal.

 

I will miss your sexy kitty dance, the way you’d shake your tail when you wanted something and you would make all kinds of chirps and purrs to go along with it.

 

I will miss your yelling. It was the times when you were too sick to yell, that made me appreciate that obnoxious and wonderful sound.

 

I will miss the way you slept, the way you hugged your own furry tail or twisted your head upside down.

 

I will miss your loaf-kitty position too. You looked like you had no legs.

 

I will miss the way you back-talked and knew when you were doing something you shouldn’t but you did it anyway.

 

I will miss the way you gobbled your treats, my dainty cat turned ravenous monster.

 

I will miss the way you were content to be pet as long as I was in an uncomfortable and awkward position, and how if I adjusted to be more comfortable, you would adjust so that I wasn’t.

 

I will miss that with you there, I was never at home alone. Even after Maddie left, and when my One is at work, you were there. Your presence was a comfort.

 

I will miss the sounds of you being there with me, even if it was the loud sound of you eating or the sound of you scratching the floor next to your box (since you’d rarely actually scratch in your box like you were supposed to).

 

I will miss the feel of your soft fur, feeling your purring under my hand when I knew the right spots to rub your ears or scratch under your chin.

 

It never got any easier seeing you in pain, seeing you scared. I will not miss that. This time I knew it was coming, although I had hoped it wouldn’t come so quickly. And we tried. We gave you the treatments, and loved on you and waited for you to heal. But this time you didn’t. And that hurt my heart in ways I have no words for. I made the same promise to you that I made to our Maddie dog. I wouldn’t let you hurt. And so I had to do the last thing I could to care for you, give you the last kisses, last forced hugs, last chin scratches and ear rubs, and help you not hurt anymore. And my heart is forever changed, and there is this Scratch shaped hole to go next to the Maddie shaped one that is already there.

 

Every day without you, there is some new reminder of how things have changed without you. And after the fresh reminders slow and stop, you will finally fall asleep in my heart right next to Maddie dog. And those times when I hurt, when tears fall down my face, I will know it is because the two of you are awake and playing like you used to do… Maddie running after her ball and you chasing her and smacking her in the behind. And I’ll feel Maddie wagging her tail and hear you yelling, and that will hurt until you both fall asleep again in the safe warm place in my heart that I will always keep for you both.

 

I miss you Scratch, my kitty bones…

Done