another yarn (because it's all a weave of story after story within story. and this one - like many other real life stories - remains undone ... ) and hey, i think this is a radical shot.

3 years ago, *today* ...

 

(damn, i didn't even realize that until this *moment*.

hold on, i need another moment ... )

 

wow. okay.

 

3 years ago today a new phase of my life started. i'm afraid i came undone.

 

you know that stats graph for your photos here on flickr? i picture my life these past

3 years - in general - as that dotted line at the end, of each day, abruptly

veering downward, going ... ? where exactly?

 

one of my favorite all-time quotes: "change comes very slowly, and very suddenly."

for 7 years it built up, to that day. and then everything seemed to suddenly

drop out from under.

 

in my mind - over and over - i've heard myself say: "i haven't been the same since."

 

at first it made sense that i would need time for those stages - how many? 7? the first - shock - lasted a long time. wait, who am i kidding? it's still in play. and actually i prefer

to call it stun: "to deprive of consciousness or strength".

 

yeah, that's it, especially the strength part. another way of putting it - i've heard myself say - "i just haven't have the heart for ... " almost anything it seems.

the heart - strength, courage, will, passion.

 

i withdrew, a lot. having been a performer and nightcrawler for many years,

it's been strange, disconcerting to not want to "go out"; not want

to see anyone, do anything.

 

i've felt like a bad friend, i've felt devoid of character.

 

in limbo for too long, knowing *something* had to change, i moved across country,

back to the company of some family left 23 years ago. for awhile, for now. "to see."

it's been strange, hard, and good.

 

but honestly? my only interests: photographing, watching movies at home,

2dimensional, flat, detached, vicarious.

 

although there also was a man, for a little more than a year, sort of. begun

as a distraction, i thought perhaps i could pull that off for just a little while,

to help "transition". but i'm too old for that now, and i fall, i fall, in love.

i always fall. i'm clumsy that way.

 

so i shifted into my proximate, ensuing modus operandi - delusion. he would love me. how could he not?! i am love-able, i am adore-able. certainly he would choose me!

and i would be validated, at last, chosen! one last shot! and he did not!

stunned, by stumbling down the same road, tripping into the same potholes

of the same old roads past traveled. clumsy. "fall down 7 times, get up 8".

 

when

is

this

going

to

end?

 

am i finished being "triggered" by the loss; of what i thought was to be?

sent reeling into grieving back, back, further, all the way, to that earliest formative experience of grief? that of being unwanted? by a mother of 17, by a father long gone?

of being tied to the bed and left immobilized, alone, in the cold, dark, for hours, and hours, and hours, a day, two?

 

i remember consciousness at that age of three - thinking "why are they doing this to me? why is this happening? am i being punished? for what? is god punishing me? i must have come into this life innately bad and deserving of punishment. or maybe this is just what life is, what existence is, at least mine: empty, void, dark, mean, hungry, cold, frozen, rigid, lone, endless ...... "

 

i'm afraid, of this frayed fringey life of mine having peaked out

like the stats on my photos. afraid of the end of the page there,

dropping off

into nothingness,

the unknowing ...

 

who is charting this graph?

 

i've heard there are 3 things people need in life, in order to thrive (my word):

 

1) someone to love

2) something to do

3) something to look forward to

 

this is a simple formula, but rendered incomprehensibly complex

by the enormous possible combinations of factors,

the who/what/where/why/how/whens.

i can't factor this all in! i can't figure this out!

i have always been mathphobic!

i must run from the room

to hide, outside!

 

or else here, i remain

undone.

loosely dropped to the floor,

but undone,

at least i remain.

 

.................................................................................................

 

"hope dies last."

~ studs terkel

.................................................................................................

Done