giggie larue
epiphanies - two
this was the actual lighting.
see large, on black to read more easily.
(okay, so was waiting for a "just right" shot to represent the 2nd epiphany i had the other day, but haven't taken one yet that quite gets it down. so this one will have to do.)
well HELLO girlfriend! #2
walking back from the hospital, through the mcallister projects, realized that - *just* about everywhere i've ever been - i have felt as if i ... belonged.
in san francisco? the financial district, russian hill, the tenderloin, the castro, the mission, noe valley, soma, nob hill, the laurel district, the universities, medical schools, yoga studios, homeless encampments, upscale dining establishments ...
see, i have felt "home less" all of my life, looking for "home". i had a mother, a father, 3 stepdads, a stepmum - but was never mothered or fathered; far from it. leave it at that. i went to 12 schools; and lived in something like 25 or 30 places in my lifetime. i've had 3 live-together sweethearts (6 years, 5, and 8), but never "married" or had children. even now i'm once again in flux, the end of my last relationship having left me heartbroken, my heart has once again lost a home - and the rest of me doesn't know where the hell it's supposed to be, here? there? anywhere?
"home", "family" ... have been banes of my existance.
and yet, standing back, looking back, i can see a lifetime of belonging in such varied neighborhoods, places, with such varied peoples - any one as much as another - no matter the culture, race, gender/sex, economic bracket. and most people have treated me as if, i have generally been assumed as either "one of us" as an ... "honorary member"? ... or simply accepted as a good/decent, gracious person, worthy of *be*ing wherever i was.
(well, that and the fact that i've also apparently been a kinda intiimidating little badass in a certain way my whole life long. not aggressive, but standing-my-ground, holding eye-contact, self-possessed: "you have a problem? yeah? and ... ?" )
although ... there have been exceptions. and for the most part i remember those exceptions very specifically, as very particular places/moments/events/people/incidents - and they've almost always been because of sociocultural/economic differences. that is, i grew up fucking poorer than a churchmouse, irish/polish urban appalachian white trash as it were. trust me, people with money can smell that a million miles away. and they consider the smell a stench.
but more than not, i have *blended*, adapted, chameleonlike; not from a lack of essential self, not from a lack of centeredness or cohesion wtihin myself. rather from an abundance of elements, of qualities, a cohabitation of multiplicities of being within myself - from embodying inumerable characteristics - from identifying with *something* in every single person - from interest, curiosity, openminded/hearted/spiritedness and appreciation of whoever i was in the company of, wherever i was.
i have always - in spite of feeling so alone all of my life, left out - also felt a *part of* everything on this earth (let alone beyond) - no matter the circumstances, and even mostly in spite of others' attitudes. therefore, *at home*, belonging ...
rather than home being a specific, small-in-the-scale-of-things, humble domicile - where i put my stuff, and come & go from every day ad infinitum, and my special person waits for me - i have an expansive sense of it as ... everywhere.
i still want a love, and a shack! but for the whole thang to be my home? wow.
how could i not be humbled, grateful, awed.
epiphanies - two
this was the actual lighting.
see large, on black to read more easily.
(okay, so was waiting for a "just right" shot to represent the 2nd epiphany i had the other day, but haven't taken one yet that quite gets it down. so this one will have to do.)
well HELLO girlfriend! #2
walking back from the hospital, through the mcallister projects, realized that - *just* about everywhere i've ever been - i have felt as if i ... belonged.
in san francisco? the financial district, russian hill, the tenderloin, the castro, the mission, noe valley, soma, nob hill, the laurel district, the universities, medical schools, yoga studios, homeless encampments, upscale dining establishments ...
see, i have felt "home less" all of my life, looking for "home". i had a mother, a father, 3 stepdads, a stepmum - but was never mothered or fathered; far from it. leave it at that. i went to 12 schools; and lived in something like 25 or 30 places in my lifetime. i've had 3 live-together sweethearts (6 years, 5, and 8), but never "married" or had children. even now i'm once again in flux, the end of my last relationship having left me heartbroken, my heart has once again lost a home - and the rest of me doesn't know where the hell it's supposed to be, here? there? anywhere?
"home", "family" ... have been banes of my existance.
and yet, standing back, looking back, i can see a lifetime of belonging in such varied neighborhoods, places, with such varied peoples - any one as much as another - no matter the culture, race, gender/sex, economic bracket. and most people have treated me as if, i have generally been assumed as either "one of us" as an ... "honorary member"? ... or simply accepted as a good/decent, gracious person, worthy of *be*ing wherever i was.
(well, that and the fact that i've also apparently been a kinda intiimidating little badass in a certain way my whole life long. not aggressive, but standing-my-ground, holding eye-contact, self-possessed: "you have a problem? yeah? and ... ?" )
although ... there have been exceptions. and for the most part i remember those exceptions very specifically, as very particular places/moments/events/people/incidents - and they've almost always been because of sociocultural/economic differences. that is, i grew up fucking poorer than a churchmouse, irish/polish urban appalachian white trash as it were. trust me, people with money can smell that a million miles away. and they consider the smell a stench.
but more than not, i have *blended*, adapted, chameleonlike; not from a lack of essential self, not from a lack of centeredness or cohesion wtihin myself. rather from an abundance of elements, of qualities, a cohabitation of multiplicities of being within myself - from embodying inumerable characteristics - from identifying with *something* in every single person - from interest, curiosity, openminded/hearted/spiritedness and appreciation of whoever i was in the company of, wherever i was.
i have always - in spite of feeling so alone all of my life, left out - also felt a *part of* everything on this earth (let alone beyond) - no matter the circumstances, and even mostly in spite of others' attitudes. therefore, *at home*, belonging ...
rather than home being a specific, small-in-the-scale-of-things, humble domicile - where i put my stuff, and come & go from every day ad infinitum, and my special person waits for me - i have an expansive sense of it as ... everywhere.
i still want a love, and a shack! but for the whole thang to be my home? wow.
how could i not be humbled, grateful, awed.