usurer's lament

the internet is a vast store of info right

doesn’t matter what you’re looking for

cross-stitch patterns

hard-core

cary grant’s real name

it’s all gonna be there

(you could probably find a hard-core cross-stitch pattern

featuring said actor

but

would you want that on your wall)

 

however

there is a downside to all this “research” ……

people get ill - they go online before they go see the doc

see that boil on your butt

(in the literal sense this may require a mirror on a stick

just google - i’m sure you’ll find one)

 

meanwhile - back at the pustule

is it malignant

infectious

an STD

or

the result of being bitten by some evil life-form

man - by the time you finally get to see a medic

you’re damn near suppurating information

 

problem is this

you got a pc

but

your gp has an md

(all these initials are making me ill - hold on while i log on to see if that’s likely)

they don’t like being second-guessed

 

which - finally - brings me to the point

my job is kinda stressful

and

i don’t get a lotta sympathy

moneylender huh - you deserve whatever gets thrown at you

well it can’t be boring - you’ll never lose interest

(wish i had a pound for every time i’ve heard that one)

if i give clients a hard time - i’m a bastard

if i go easy - i’m a mug

so

i get wound up

my heart rate is too high

i got a rash

and

now

on top of it all

i’m a little blocked down below

(if you take my meaning)

 

so

i went online

checked out my symptoms

and

possible links with my profession

then

and only then

i made an appointment with the doc

 

i spent twenty minutes reading copies of reader's digest from 1991

until i was called in

what seems to be the problem she said

so i filled her in on my job and lifestyle

then cut to the chase

and

told her about my tough times in the toilet

 

i’ve done some background reading on this i said proudly

and

i believe it could be stress-related constipation

exacerbated by immersion in constant moral dichotomy

as seen in the case of gardener and keech - 1972

 

wow i’ve never seen anyone so angry

(subsequent surfing has revealed that she displayed

“apoplectic aural vapour expulsion syndrome”)

she just gave me this cold withering look

 

truth is i was so scared that my bowel problem resolved itself

(albeit a little too suddenly for comfort)

 

 

then she leaned back

took a deep breath

and said

through gritted teeth

(“anger-induced bruxism”)

with a voice so slow

it was like malevolent molasses

 

no shit shylock

 

(anyone wanna buy a computer)

 

 

 

………………………………………………

 

 

 

 

 

Done