Walking on air

The picture is taken on cliffs overlooking the north sea, just as a sea mist settled in, to the almost exact height of the cliffs. it was like standing on clouds. These are the moments you appreciate, and remember the most

 

Sorry for the lots of writing. At the beginning of the year, i resolved to be more open about myself. Of course, in my context, it means im still very very private and only about one tenth as open as most people, but i am trying to get better!

 

I've been told i could drop dead several occasions, by several different doctors. Four times in my life i've been diagnosed with blood clots, and the last time was close. Hours close

 

My question to myself is, if you've been given not just one, not two, or three, but four chances at life, how do you decide what is a good life? I didn't know what to do with my first life, and the second, third and the beginning of the fourth life hasn't seen much change. Is it enough to be a good person?

 

I keep thinking back to the day. At 650am i could barely walk up the street. I had to stop three times to walk 200metres. I was feeling so sick and shaky and seriously considered caling 999 then. But never did i imagine what it was. So i kept going. By 1230 that afternoon I asked to go home. I've never done that before. Luckily I changed my mind and went to hospital, expecting to be told I was being stupid and to go home. By 330 I was listed as critical and life threatening. (my life, i wasn't threatening someone else!)

 

It's what you remember in these moments. I remember the student doctor Matt was talking to me. At the time I never realised it, but he never left my side when i was in the side ward. I wonder now if he was told to stay there. Sneaky NHS! But really, he was awesome. He'll be a really good doctor one day. So will Katie, who was the doctor looking after me whilst the initial tests were being done. I could barely breathe, but she stayed so calm and relaxed. I was never in panic myself, but i'd have picked up if they were. I had been playing with the heart monitor, making the heart rate go up and down by moving and counting how long it took to recover to its then "resting" heartrate. Which i found later was much higher than my normal resting heartrate. Hmmmm, probably won't be doing that again. I started to get a bit more curious when they said my condition was "their worst suspicions confirmed". Really? So what is it then? I never really had chance to ask them at that point, owing to me struggling to breathe, and them whisking me to a monitored ward, with two nurses in two to look after me.

 

So there i was, in a monitored ward, installed directly in front of the nurses station, rather than by the empty window bay. Damn. I would have liked a view. By this time i've texted my dad to tell him i'm in hospital, and telling him not to call me because i can't breathe. Of course, he calls me...... Doofus!

So i set to getting myself comfortable. With an oxygen line coming in from the left underneath my arm to a mask over my mouth, with three heart monitoring wires going across my chest from the right, with a blood pressure squeezy thing (technical term, obvs') on my right arm that takes my blood pressure every hour. In a strange bed, being stared at by people i've never seen. All older than me by at least a couple of decades. Except the topless guy handcuffed to his bed, who seems to be having the worst comedown ever. Completely silent, but strained . Like he wants to tear away from himself, but can't. I don't know if i felt sorry for him, or glad he was handcuffed. He didn't seem to be aware of himself or his surroundings.

 

Oddly, at this point, i'm still not frightened, or scared. Should I be? I'd still describe myself as curious about it all. What happens next? I've never done this before. I soon found out. The nurse on duty introduced herself, and busied herself with taking results from the various monitors adorning me. The senior nurse then popped over just to check me over. It was him i first asked the question "how serious is this"? I liked the way he answered. Matter of fact and honest. "if you hadn't come in today, you would have collapsed and come in this weekend in an ambulance. Or worse. You'd have been dead by sunday/monday for certain". I can't remember his name, but he said he was going to work at another hospital tomorrow. He worked hard, and it showed in his face. But never in his attitude or his demeanour to me. He was someone else i liked.

 

The doctor doing his rounds then saw me. A gentleman doctor, with a kind face and a large waist. He had a smile that showed he knew what he was talking about, and that things would be ok. An earned confidence about him. I liked him, despite him telling the nurses I was not allowed to leave the bay. I was to use a commode or a bottle if i wanted to go to the toilet. If i have a recommendation for the NHS, it's to find a way around this. I could use a bottle, but not a commode. Not with only a flimsy curtain with ill fitting closings between me and the other patients. Can't they let you use a private bathroom, with walls and put a sign on the door saying "Patient xxx entered at 345pm", and then knock on the door at 348pm just to check they are ok? The door doesn't have to be locked, all it has to be shown is that it's occupied. Yeah, it's not a perfect system, but then again, they weren't perfect curtains!

 

So anyway, back to the doctor. He told me my condition was life threatening and critical. At this point my parents were there, so it saved me some explanation. Which was good, as speaking in sentences was something waaaaaaay beyond me at that point. How i wasn't to move in case the clots moved and if i needed anything, i was to call a nurse. Obviously i could move a little bit, but jumping out of bed and going for a wander was a no no

 

First night in a hospital ward. Ever. For anything. Didn't sleep more than half an hour at a time. I never sleep well in rooms with strange people anyway, and definitely not when there is activity around. Maybe in a previous life I was a prey animal, if you believe in reincarnation and all that. If i was prey, hopefully it was something eaten only by the biggest creatures. A dolphin gets eaten by sharks for instance. I'd have been a dolphin. A carefree idea of the rules, but respectful of them. Or am i talking about me now? Another discussion for another day :P (erhaps)

Not to forget about all the medical equipment around and on me. And a cannula in the crook of my left arm that kept catching on my oxygen tube. I was more scared of waking up with half my blood on the floor, than my lungs and heart stop functioning. It's only useful to worry about the things you can affect right? The rest will take care of itself.

 

Second day. I have a wash, but cant do it very well. Im way too tired too quickly and the wires get in the way. Breakfast is here. Im aware i can't use the toilet, so i eat sparingly. The toast was barely warm. The nurses change over. Again, a nice nurse, and i settle down for the morning and watch things unfold. I see a different doctor today. A lady who reminds me of Cate Blanchett. She asks me with a slight tone of speaking to a child "David, do you understand why we are all being so twitchy around you?" I reply "yes, because ive got massive bilateral pulmonary embolism". Although i hadn't really noticed people being twitchy around me. My nature is to stay low profile and out of the way. The doctor smiles and asks if i need anything, to which i reply no. What can I have? i cant use the bathroom, and i can hardly ask her to go and get me a starbucks. Although i was tempted, just for the sake of being cheeky and making someone laugh :) Thinking about it now, i wonder if its better to say "we can do this, this and this for you if you'd like?" I never knew what she could, to ask for it. But maybe for a busy doctor, its a dangerous thing to be too tied up with the small things that make a person feel better, but doesnt actually make them better. A doctor is there for everyone, not just for me. And there are a lot of patients

I also meet another senior nurse today. A lady, with brown hair and brown eyes, with a slight gap between her front teeth when she smiles. She smiles sweetly, with a glint in her eye and a smile that says you can challenge me, but i'll win. I like her too. She spoke to me about what i was drinking and eating. I didn't want to have the discussion that i had consciously dropped my intake of food and drink due to the toilet arrangements, but i did admit to drinking less. So she 'threatened' me with installing a drip in my arm. But in a nice, almost motherly way. So i agreed to drink more. Luckily she didn't push me about the food. Apparently it's not so important how often you eat, or don't eat as the case may be for the first few days, but it's really important you still drink every day. I already heard before hospital that people can only survive a few days without water, but can survive over a week without food, but in my defence, at this point in time, i didn't know how long I was going to be in hospital, and I was very conscious I couldn't use that bathroom!

 

Second night in hospital. I watched the sunlight on the buildings and roads slowly change to streetlights and car lights. It was interesting to watch a day fade to night like this. Something people don't do enough of. The other patients slowly fade to sleep, but im still awake. Partly because its still new to me, partly because im very aware of the medical kit working to monitor me, and partly because apparently i snore! Really loudly. So i dont want to deprive the other patients of sleep. I eventually do sleep better, but a few times i wake to see the concerned face of a nurse over me checking my pulse, as the monitor flashes red on the ceiling. "is there a problem?" i ask. "no" is always the reply, and as i'm in their care and i have to trust them, i go back to sleep. Wondering if i'll wake up. What can i do. It's all internal, i can make sure i don't move and follow the doctors instructions, but beyond that, im waiting for things to happen. Or hopefully not, as the case may be

 

Third day. Again struggled to wash properly, but by now im figuring things out and am wearing better clothes suited to staying in bed, so i dont get as hot and sweaty as i had been. The thought of the toilet is starting to intensify. I eat less for breakfast. Start thinking through my conversation with the doctor/nurse to be allowed to use the bathroom. I see the commode being delivered to other patient. Happily dont see them using it. Saggy assed old men is not something i need to see. Ever. My mum has bought an ipad. Im using it. God bless apple and technology. The hospital wifi is just strong enough to let me watch a film "despicable me". God, i love this film. Yeah, i nearly cried. But my ability to push things deep, out of the way and to one side comes through. Desperately trying not to think about other things coming through. Discussion with the medical staff about the toilet is just about set. A bit of pleading, a bit of common sense, a bit of stubborness, mixed in with a soft tone. Yeah, ive got this sorted.

Damn, the nurse im not so sure about is on shift now. Conversation will have to wait until tomorrow

 

Sleep a bit better on the third night. Im becoming comfortable with my surroundings now. Tonight a new patient keeps getting up, dressed and hiding in the bathroom. He wants to go home. He doesnt know where he is. He doesnt know where home is. Asks me for some money for a taxi. I say to talk to the nurses and see what they say. They put him to bed. Repeatedly. He repeatedly does as he is told, and then gets dressed and out of bed again. It's gone midnight before i get to sleep

 

Wake up at 6am. Conversation about the toilet is to be had today. Nurse approaches. I'm being moved to another ward. Conversation can wait. I get to my new ward. With my own room!! With a bathroom!! Wait for the nurses to unplug me from the now unneeded heart monitor and blood pressure tube. They connect up oxygen and ask if i need anything. My only question is how long will i have the room? They dont know, it depends if someone else needs it. Its normally for infectious patients. I say if they need to kick me out they can do, but they tell me to make myself comfortable. As soon as they leave, i use the bathroom. Much happier now. Im a fussy eater, but im very much looking forward to the breakfast menu. I have cornflakes, toast and jam, and tea. For a moment I have completely forgotten why im here, and im just enjoying the moment, feeling the room heat up with the upcoming sun. Things are getting better :)

 

Right now, i'm nearly five months off work. Other than the above, i have spent another 14 days in hospital since the third day described above. But thats for another time of writing. Right now, im getting tired and headachey. I've lost alot of my stamina and capacity to operate normally, but not the belief that I will get better. It'll just take time, and learning how to do things i could do before without thinking.

 

I still don't have the answer to what a good life is. I'd like to think i recognise the good in other people, and i have confidence i have some good in me. I'd like to think i'm a good person who occasionally makes bad mistakes. I'm still heartbroken over the person who blocked me, i still don't know what i did wrong. I reread the messages we exchanged several times. I've seen a lot worse go back and forth between other people. Maybe i said the wrong thing, but I meant it in the right way. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. As i said to them at the time, i don't regret trying to make someone laugh or feel better, i only regret failing in that goal, and not having the chance to fix it when i do wrong, when i make mistakes, as all people do. I hope that's good enough

 

PS this is a story to help others in a similar situation, but if it helps anyone else, then even better. This was my first few days.. I'm doing better now. So will you

Done