Never can write these things properly

May the 4th be with you. (starwars day. May the force be with you)

 

Perhaps on May the 4th, it really was.

 

The prior wednesday i got home and felt i was breathing a little heavy (no jokes people). But as I was on crutches (i've also hurt my knee), i attributed it to me getting more daring on the crutches and just pushing myself too far. But come thursday, i was breathing a little more heavier and i thought i may be coming down with a bug.

By friday morning, i couldn't even walk 50 yards without feeling dizzy and wanting to throw up. But i decided to push on through and go to work. By 12pm i was reconsidering my decision to go to work, and asked to go home. But whilst at the bus stop, something made me decide to go to hospital. I couldn't tell you I was desperately ill, or suffering. There were no outward symptoms but i decided to go anyway

 

By 130pm, i was seeing a doctor who decided to send me for a CT scan. In the meantime i had got changed into some tracksuit bottoms (It was easier for the Docs to look at my knee) and i could hardly breath, even when doing something as simple as slowly swapping clothes. By 330pm I was diagnosed with large "bi lateral pulmonary embolism" (BLPE) and my condition was described as "life threatening" and critical. Things now really got interesting.

 

I was hooked up to 40% oxygen, blood pressure monitors and heart rate monitors, and moved to the fast track ward of the hospital, where they keep you monitored 24/7. I was also getting given injections in my tummy and given warfarin tablets. I was quickly seen by a Doctor, who immediately told me the bad news. I was to be given no privacy whilst on the ward! I couldn't leave the bay i was in! I couldn't use the bathroom! How awful is that! It was yards away! So close, and yet so far..........

But i understood why. Because the BLPE were so large and completely blocking one lung and almost entirely blocking the other one, I wasn't to move too much or do anything strenous in case the BLPE moved to my heart or my brain. Well, where my brain is. I can't say it gets much use ;)

 

So began 10 days in hospital. Having never spent a night in hospital before in my life, it was an interesting experience. Trying to sleep in a new place whilst trying not to disconnect the monitors is a game all in itself. But for the first night i didn't sleep at all. How do people do it? But over the next few days, the amount of monitoring dropped from hourly, to bi hourly to 4 hourly to 6 hourly so i could settle and do things. And get a couple more hours continous sleep each night. But i'll still never get comfortable peeing into a bottle with alot of people just behind a very thin curtain.

 

I won't describe all the people who were patients, or all the staff, but there were some who make you think. The guy who kept waking up and not knowing where he was. He was so polite, but yet so lost. The nurses would get him to change into his bedclothes, and he would sneakily get changed again, hide in the bathroom or make his break for freedom down the hall. This happened for a few hours, until finally in the early hours of the morning, he accepted defeat and lay in bed. But when i woke up, he was gone and a new patient was in his place. Again, an elderly guy, but with a beard and intelligent eyes. Wild hair too. I liked him. He wasn't worried where he was, and looked like he knew his situation. He was content and seemed to know he was getting out soon enough. I hope he did

There was another guy and i don't know how i felt about him. Again, very polite, but i'm not so sure if it was because it was his nature, or because of his situation. He'd speak very deliberately and slowly, and end every sentence with the title of the person he was speaking to. So it'd be "yes nurse" or "yes doctor" but every sylable was very clearly pronounced. He was in for breathing problems too, but of a different sort. He told the staff he smoked 20 roll ups a day, and couldn't stop. I'm glad i don't smoke, and whilst writing this it made me ponder. Whilst in the hospital, my sympathy for him diminished. He was there because he made a choice and his choice put him where he is. If he wanted life to get better, he had an option. But thinking about it now, maybe those 20 were his small enjoyment for each day. I overheard him tell the staff he could take 3 steps and then had to stop to catch his breath. 3 steps. 1 2 3. then stop. He lived alone and couldn't get very far. Is that his life? Or is that him existing, taking the slow road to an inevitable end. I thought myself lucky, that presumably i will make a good recovery and will soon be able to walk 3 miles before even having to think about my breathing. I still don't know if i feel sorry for him, but i hope things get better for him soon

There was also another guy. I left before i saw too much of him, but i think he had heart problems, and you could see him pondering things out. I think he genuinely reconsidered his life. He had the wide eyes of someone who had just experienced something he hadn't expected, something he didn't want, and the frown of a man who knew he had to change the things from his past. A silence overcame him when he was alone. I hope he did ok. He had a lot of different people visit him. He was well liked

 

I did discover during my time, that according to some visitors to the wards, that nurses, doctors and all people with medical training know nothing about making people better, and relatives know everything. This made me sad. The people who looked after me on this ward (and in all the other wards) did a fantastic job, despite very impatient patients, and very ungrateful relatives. Not all visitors were like this, but too many were

 

After this, i was moved to my own room on a different ward. A huge stroke of good fortune :) Going from a monitored ward to a room, with my OWN SHOWER!!! Hell yeah!! By this time, i had a beard, so that was the first thing to go and i could lie in peace, without various visitors going through the ward and casting curious looks at me. I still had nurses making regular visits to check my 02 level and my blood pressure, but it was good. A professor came to see me each day and discuss what was going on with me, and why, and i spent 10 days in that room. A physio also came to see me to help with my knee and my breathing, so i could get up and going. Things were looking up

 

Things are still looking up. I am getting better. I can breathe more easily every day, get further and do it faster, and take less time to recover. But i'm still miles away from where i should be. Where i will be. The future is different for me now. I'll be on warfarin for life now, so my blood isn't as sticky as yours, so i'll have to be careful in some ways, but i have a lot to look forward too.

 

So do you

 

 

I dont know if I should have written the above, or if i have conveyed anything useful or inspiring. But this is the first time i've actually written about my time in hospital. I'm still recovering at home. there is lots more to say, but this will do for now. if i only ever say one more thing, it'd be thanks to the hospital for all the care and time they gave me.

Done