hejog says:
Bella: So, head, can you tell me my fortune?
Head: You will meet a tall, dark human....
Bella: Yes?
Head: She will give you a mohair reroot....
Bella: Not my past fortune silly head, my future fortune!
Head: She will put your pictures onto Flickr and wait for comments.....
Bella: This is a stupid fortune!
Head: What fortune do you want?
Bella: It goes like this: You will marry a handsome man, have seventeen children and all the pie you can eat, but also you will have a nice nanny to take care of the children so you can go out to the museum every day in your red sports car.....and go to the movies whenever you want...and have new clothes every day.
Head: Don't you want a career?
Bella: Oh yes, in my spare time I will be an astrophysicist. Or a hairdresser maybe.
Head: Good luck with that!
Bella: Thanks!
hejog says:
Once upon a time, and a very good time it was too, Little Red Riding Blythe lived at the edge of a dark forest.
“Red,” said her mother one day, “Take this basket of Blythe magazines to your grandmother’s cottage in the dark, dark wood.”
So off she went. But before long she spied a great hairy nose and some white teeth, and Mr Wolf stepped out from behind a tree to join her.
“Where are you off to, my little cupcake?”
“Oh, to deliver Granny’s magazines.”
So off he went, leapt through Granny’s window and devoured her in a gulp! He put on her cap and specs and settled down in the bed.
Red came in. “Ooh Granny, what big eyes you have!” she said.
“The better to see you with, my dear,” said the wolf.
“Ooh Granny, you need a depilatory for your chin!” said Red.
“Why you little...haha, yes, my dear!”
“Ooh Granny, what a manly voice you have!”
“The teeth, kid, get to the teeth!”
“Well, you COULD use the services of a reputable dentist.”
Enraged, the wolf tore the covers off and revealed his wolfly glory.
“Oh my...... YOU’RE not my grandmother!” cried Little Red Riding Blythe.
“I’ve eaten her up!” said the wolf.
“Really,” said Red. “Well done! I never liked her. Whiny, miserable old bat.”
The wolf was surprised and pleased. “I’ve done something right for once?" he said. "I’m usually made out to be the villain.”
Red sat down on the bed. “That’s a shame,” she said, and her eyes changed colour. She looked up at him through her black eyelashes. “Actually, I think you’re...rather attractive.”
The wolf blushed under his long, thick fur. “Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?” he said.
So Red and Mr Wolf were married. Her mother cried all through the ceremony, saying, “But...think of the children!”
“It’s all right, mum, we’re going to raise them as Blythes,” said Red.
A year later, beautiful twin Blythe girls were born.
“You see?” said Red. “Perfectly normal Blythes. Nothing to worry about!”
“But....why are they sleeping in a dog basket??” said her mother.
She bent over the babies, who were curled up with their sleep eyes shut, and tickled one under the chin. The baby lifted her head and howled, “Aroooooo.....”
THE END. (Or is it?.....)
hejog says:
Story by *chacha* for my mohair girl Iona who wanted to hear all the ancient stories of the Bosphorus where Princess Siren walks :)
First story is about a little inpatient princess... once upon a time there was a little sweet princess called Iona who lived in a Palace in front of the sea. Every morning princess goes for a walk on Candy Road, where there are lollipops, SMARTIES and every kind of candy. She can just pick them up from the ground, and then come new ones ...
hejog says:
Once upon a time there was a Princess who had a strange dream in the middle of a moonlit night. She dreamt that a tiny little man with a tall hat came and told her that far, far away there was a Fountain whose waters were so pure that anyone who drank of it would have all their dreams come true. When she woke up, all the Princess could think about was her strange dream. Day after day she paced the steps of her palace, wondering if the Fountain was real...One day she called up her flying carpet and set out to find the Fountain. She journeyed for many weeks, searching streams and rivers, hills and mountains, but the fountain was nowhere to be found. One night she lay down in a forest clearing to sleep. She had been travelling for a month and the moon was bright and full. The werewolves were howling in the forest but the Princess was too tired to take any notice and soon fell fast asleep. Again she dreamed of the tiny man in the tall hat. This time he seemed rather embarrassed. "Er, Princess," he began, and then spent some time clearing his throat. "I may just have forgotten to mention the whereabouts of the Fountain. As a matter of fact, it's in a small neglected courtyard behind the armoury of your own Palace. Go through the apple orchard, turn left at the ornamental shrubs and you can't miss it. Sorry for any inconvenience." When the Princess woke up she felt rather cross for a moment, but then reflected that after all she had had a lovely holiday and seen a lot of her beautiful country. So she stepped onto her flying carpet and was soon back in her Palace. Following the little man's directions, she went behind the armoury, through the apple orchard and turned left at the ornamental shrubs...there, set in a crumbling stone wall, was a little door she had never seen. She pushed it open and found herself in a little enclosed garden....and there in the middle, shining white, was the Fountain! With a cry of joy the Princess ran to it...but the water was shut off! "Little man!" she shouted. "Little man, how do I turn the water on???" But the moon was past its full, and the Princess was wide awake, and the little man did not appear......
hejog says:
Once upon a time there were two lovely raven-haired twin sisters named Rebecca and Roxana. They lived and played happily together for many years. But one day Roxana came running in from the forest and told her sister that she had found a mysterious stone tower in the woods.....Rebecca was very excited and the two sisters ran off hand in hand to explore the tower. They entered through the great, creaking, oaken door and found a spiral stone staircase winding up and up into the giddy heights of the tower. Up they climbed, higher than the treetops and higher than the fluffy clouds, till they came to a chamber at the very top of the tower. There sat an old, old woman, spinning away. "Twins!" cried the old beldame when she spied them. "Just what I want to test my magic potion on!" She leapt up and seized the twins with her long and bony fingers, pushing them towards a row of cauldrons that stood against the wall. "Shall I turn one into a frog and the other into a fly?" mused the witch. "Or one into a bird, and one into a cat? Or, I know, I'll turn them both into pretty sweetmeats to have with my tea!" She turned to the last cauldron. With a great effort Rebecca tore herself away and dived into another of the cauldrons. The witch gave a roar of fury, but what emerged from the cauldron was a beautiful blue bird....."It won't last," shrieked the witch, "you'll turn into a girl again, and when you do, oh, won't I eat you up and make soup from the bones! Meanwhile, your pretty sister will make a fine cake for me!" and she picked Roxana up and began to dip her into the cauldron. "Fight!" cried the Rebecca-bird in a high, tweeting voice. "Jump into the other cauldron and fly away with me!" Roxana writhed and struggled, and before the witch could dunk more than her toe into the cauldron she had won free, and jumped into the cauldron she had seen the blue bird fly out of. In an instant, two blue birds circled the room before flying out of the window, leaving the old witch howling and gnashing her teeth. The birds didn't stop flying until they had flown into the window of their dear old bedroom at home. They settled down comfortably with their heads under their wings to drowse away the time until they could become girls again. When Rebecca awoke, she found to her delight that she was a real little girl again! She looked round for her sister.....but her sister was gone, and in her place was a beautiful big cake with her sister's likeness shining forth from it. Rebecca realised that when Roxana's toe dipped into the witch's cauldron, the spell had taken effect. She sat by the sister-cake, feeling very worried.....would this spell wear off as the other had? Could she stay awake long enough to stop the mice and the little ants from nibbling away at her sister? She sat by the cake looking mournfully at her sister's image....and she waited....and she waited.....
hejog says:
The story of Artemis Tell
Once there was a brave and rebellious archery expert and goddess of the ancient world named Artemis Tell. She was caught by the elder gods taking pictures of her dolls on the subway, which they had strictly forbidden.
The elder gods devised a cruel and unusual punishment for Artemis Tell. She had one beloved daughter, Brooklyn. The gods decreed that Artemis must shoot an apple from Brooklyn's head....or they would both be torn apart and sold as spare parts on eBay.
When the day came, Artemis woke Brooklyn, weeping tears of rage and sorrow. Brooklyn was listening to the Pussycat Dolls on her iPod and didn't hear her mother at first. Finally Artemis yelled "get up, you little slacker, or we'll both be dead by nightfall!"
"Whatevs," yawned Brooklyn, climbing out of bed with the least possible speed. "Lemme just put together a matching outfit....."
Artemis waited with great impatience until her daughter had found her froggy boots and matching romper. "Come quickly, else the gods will slaughter us!"
"Like, you can take them, Mom," said Brooklyn. "Seriously, what's the biggie?"
When Artemis and Brooklyn arrived at the Grove of Judgement, eleven elder gods were assembled, looking mean. Brooklyn balanced the apple on her head with all the nonchalance of the young. "Thank the Goddesses I sent her to deportment classes," muttered her mother.
"Ready?" said an elder god who resembled a cross between a lizard and a coprolite. Really, thought Artemis, it's time these things vanished from the face of Gaia.
With the utmost concentration she drew her bow back and let it fly with a mighty twang. It split the apple in two and the wind of its passing blew the gum out of Brooklyn's mouth.
"Well, I suppose we'll have to let you live this time," said a god who looked like a small rotten pumpkin.
"Pity I can't say the same for you," said Artemis, stringing eleven arrows onto her bow at once and killing all of the elder gods with a single shot.
"You're wicked cool, Mom," said Brooklyn.
"I know, dear," said Artemis. "And who said you could chew gum? The daughter of a goddess must be elegant at all times!"
"Aw, MOM....." said Brooklyn.
THE END
hejog says:
Ok here goes.... Zuzu.... are you ready for this????
Once upon a time there were two girls living as flatmates; a gorgeous raven haired beauty named Zuzu and a rather strange floofy-haired girl named Emmie. At first Zuzu quite liked Emmie because she went out a lot leaving Zuzu the opportunity to nick her sweets.
But one fatal evening Zuzu became curious.... where DID Emmie go at night? Donning her inconspicuous outfit of trenchcoat, sunglasses and Panama hat Zuzu followed Emmie.... through the winding streets of the town, up the hill, past the old cemetery and towards a house that hadn't been occupied since the Thatcher years, a towering, gloomy reminder of miner's strikes and poll tax...
Zuzu stopped to eat a candy cigarette and wonder what on earth Emmie was doing going into the creepy, empty house. Was there a chic bar in the basement? Or a hidden cache of Rolos in one of the rooms?
Emmie had disappeared into the house and Zuzu approached the front door with caution. She reached out her hand to the doorknob.... and the door swung open slowly, making a noise like this: C-R-E-E-E-A-K......
Zuzu brought out the small torch she used to snoop about in Emmie's room and had a look round. The central hall was shrouded in cobwebs and dust and the floor was covered in tiny footprints, too small for Licca feet. Had some excellent-bodied girls been using the place as a hangout?
A delapidated staircase seemed to beckon Zuzu up to the first floor. Up she went, becoming aware of a strange echo that sounded as if other footsteps were following hers! However, that did not deter Zuzu. She emphatically did not begin to sweat, nor did her heart pound or her breathing become ragged.
She climbed two flights of stairs only to find a ladder leading up into the attic. Portraits of long-retired Conservative politicians leered fiendishly from the walls as if daring her to climb to the ultimate height and there meet her doom!
Gripping her torch between her teeth, she climbed the ladder, nearly losing her grip when a bat flew down over her head, brushing her hair as it passed. Luckily, Zuzu was brave and did not shriek aloud or call the bat a bad word.
She crawled onto the attic floor and shone her torch onto...... Emmie, standing still and quiet in the middle of the room, surrounded by old bird cages, rocking horses and NRFB Kenners. Zuzu was about to ask her what she was doing there when.....
Emmie's eyes slowly rolled up into her head but instead of new eyechips her eyemech went completely blank and she stared whitely at Zuzu.... whose hair would have stood on end had she been any less of a heroine. Zuzu tried to find words but her tongue seemed to have got stuck to the roof of her mouth like that time when she'd tried to cram in a whole packet of Rolos at once....
At last Zuzu found her voice. "Emmie... what are you.... what are you doing h....here...."
Emmie slooooooooowly raised her arm and pointed at Zuzu, whose knees were not knocking together like gypsy castanets, and said in an ominous voice that started as a whisper and then rose in a crescendo:
"I'm.... trying.... to.... scare... YOU!!!!!!"
And her head exploded!
Emmie's faceplate and backplate parted company and shot out in different directions... her scalp shot up to the rafters and her hair floofed about like manic ectoplasm!!
Zuzu was not afraid.... yet someone let out a shriek like a barrelful of horrified monkeys.... who could it have been????
Worse was yet to come as from the space where Emmie's head had been, writhing maggots and worms squirmed out and dropped to the floor or wiggled down Emmie's body and crawled towards Zuzu.... who turned and leaped for the ladder as if her legs were on fire, to the sound of Emmie's mocking laughter! Zuzu looked up as she went down the ladder and saw Emmie's faceplate looming over her with a strange smile as the laughter got louder and louder.....
Zuzu lost her grip on the ladder and fell into oblivion!
The next thing she knew, Paula was saying to her, "Zuzu I found a packet of Rolos in my pocket, would you like one for breakfast?"
Paula was most surprised when Zuzu yelped and dived under the bedclothes without even looking at the Rolos. "I wonder if she had a bad dream," said Paula thoughtfully, and had one of the Rolos for breakfast herself!
The End
Nothing here yet.
You can save a photo or video to a gallery from its detail page, or choose from your faves here.
Comments