Fear-of-failure Degenerate

What a fucking whirlwind life has been as of late.

 

I moved to Chicago with almost no notice, and left everything, family, friends, the whole kaboot back home. I'm working a big boy job, because that's what people do with college degrees do, right?

 

I can't help but feel like something is missing, and that should be completely normal when I left my last 22 years behind me and started over. That's reasonable. But as far as finding fulfillment goes - what is my purpose here? Why am I doing what I'm doing? How cliche can this question be coming from a 22 year old who just left academia?

 

I'm taking steps in the right direction. I have friends. I'm comfortable enough to come home after work, play Beach House, take a bath, and go to bed at 9:00. But most importantly, I got an art studio. I've been slacking on it (I've had it for two weeks) but I need to get back painting. I know that I need to create. I want to break into the art scene here, so bad. I don't give a shit about selling paintings. I have a job for money, and I don't really care about money anyway. If I can paint enough to consider some paintings complete (a harder task for myself than it is for most, I feel) and just get it out there, that's all I need. If it's a local coffee shop, a gallery, someone's house, I don't care. Just something. Something complete.

 

For now, I'm stuck feeling like a degenerate, who is too scared to fail. So I succeed in traditional ways, but always fall back on bad habits. That's my natural state. I don't know where that will take me, especially with no check system in place here in Chicago. But I guess I'll find out.

Done