how coping my angst-inducing flashbacks

longtime of my life i had angst because of the influence of abuse and scaring as a child - and later by people which could not suppose and understand my special situation.

in these times i had a phobia against therapy of

my probably posttraumatic dysfunction because i knot those therapists with "authorities".

and i had a phobia against authoritieres ! that comes from those special authorities which had scared me as a child.

 

unawarely I sought a way to cope my problems and did it on my own special way.

being ashamed about the abuse -

and feeling otherwise than other people - i did not speak about my problems and made a secret of them.

 

i read much about pschoanalysis - slowly get aware of my probs - and made my own pschychotherapy,

that was hard while making it alone.

than read about alternative methods to cope the bad influence of my former scars and traumata.

read about nlp and other methods and tried some

of them, regarding if they would be good for me.

these methods became members of my "inner team" -

 

one of my problems were the flashbacks remembering me

on the abuse, frightening and paralyzing me

in special situations with other people.

that made me shy and full of angst in the social contacts

and made difficulties in my relationships.

for example, if one person told an

ambigous joke, i got a flashback

on the old situation when being abused.

 

now, while feeling healed , i have

sometimes negative flashbacks too,

as usual, but i feel resilient against the angst-inducing consequences.

meanwhile i have installed new programs, that help me, to react in an other wise than formerly.

when i have a flashback, which reminds me on former traumata,

i make a program that gives me shelter.

i had read about embodiment and make my body strong in a first step.

than i calm down, touching with my hand the "earth" or some special places of my body - often drawing my ear in a cosy way, remembering me, that i'm ok and that i have learned to love me and not always want to be ashamed, but have the right to be lucky as other people.

it's for me a better interpretation of those flashbacks and

helps me to act in an other way than i formerly acted automatically, when i had the old program.

i made this and other pictures for visualizising my new programs as an affirmation and an anchor for me.

those anchors help me to

stabilize my new programs and not falling in the older. and

now destructive, programs which formerly - in my childhood - perhaps were an

instrument to survive the abuse.

have gained the feeling of selfcontrol and self-monitoring.

that gives me safety.

i think i try to change the negative flashbacks into positive flashbacks - alternative in pictures with warming - and not frightening - light.

regarding this light as my symbol for be able to live.

when i feel the sun shining on my body it makes me resilient and happy.

.

Done