52.27... relationships
They're never easy, are they?
Two people with different personalities, backgrounds, goals, styles, needs, desires, and hopes---trying to meld their lives in a way that creates a new entity that exceeds the sum of the two individuals. Something that nurtures and supports; appreciates and enhances; understands and forgives, entertains and distracts, celebrates and respects, cherishes and adores. All the while trying to avoid the minefields of neuroses, insecurities, misunderstandings, differing dynamics, and the inevitable just plain "bad days".
I'm thinking about all this because, this past weekend, I almost blew it completely with the most important person in my life. You'd think after waiting a lifetime to find the right one that I would be more careful, but alas, I can be a real idiot sometimes.
It's kind of a wonder that I believe relationships can work at all. I loved both my parents dearly, but by the time I was about 8 I was wondering why two people who were so completely different, and who argued as much as they did, were still together? And my grandfather next door made me his trusted co-conspirator in devising ways to get out of the house on weekends so he wouldn't be shut in with my nagging grandmother. I adored her- and had a vastly different relationship with her- but could see why he needed to escape. Around the same time we lived a few doors down the street from Sal and Marie and their four kids, including Cathie who was one of my best friends. At least once every few weeks the kids would all be herded over to our house and my mom would go over to help Marie cover up the latest bruises Sal had imposed. I got to observe that dysfunctional relationship for way too many years before she finally took the kids and left him.
Looking back on those troubled relationships with a more experienced eye, I understand that there was real love involved in all of them. But love alone isn't enough to make a relationship a good one. And for all the rosy feelings at the beginning of one, not all relationships are meant to work out. Sex is a fabulous thing- I'm rather quite fond of it - but if I'm going to spend my life devoted to someone, it's going to be because of a good deal more than my raging hormones.
I'm picky. This is what I look for in someone:
-kindness
-intellectual curiosity
-passion about something
-spirituality
-humility
-creativity
-non-conformity...I value "otherness"
-thoughtfulness about and participation in global issues
-thoughtfulness about and participation in national politics/issues
and the three most important things
-a sense of humor
-a sense of the absurd
-the ability to put up with my complex, odd and inconsistent personality.
Quite a lot to expect, eh? And- of course- it's what I hope t offer the person I love.
Years ago, everyone I knew had read "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. After seeing reference after reference to it, and having people ask repeatedly whether or not I had read it, I finally picked it up. To be honest, I didn't find it to be the mind-bending tome everyone else seemed to think it was, but there were two indelible concepts I took from it. The first had to do with the problem of "procrastination" and, while I won't go into details here, I will say that a few paragraphs he wrote profoundly changed my way of dealing with that problem. The other concept that really resonated with me was the notion that LOVE = WORK.
His point was precisely the first line of this essay. To love someone truly and deeply means that you're willing to put in the real effort involved in the herculean task of melding two disparate lives so that you both grow together and enrich each other's lives, making both of you stronger, happier individuals. Sometimes it means letting go of your own needs to serve the needs of the other. Sometimes it means learning new ways to communicate. Sometimes it means saying something you'd prefer not to, that could possibly be hurtful to the one you love, in order for the relationship to get stronger. And trusting that they will know you are telling them out of love. It's hard work. Every day. But like crops in the field, the end result is nurturing and sustaining...it offers health and happiness.
When I was younger, nearly everyone I knew was interested in "coupling up". Somewhere around the beginning of my 40s, though, fewer and fewer of my friends seemed interested any more. "Too much work" they'd say. "A partner just saps my energy". "Not worth the effort". "Noone understands me". They did, and still do, treat me like I'm from outer space that I not only believe that love relationships are valuable and necessary, but that I think hard work and compromises are worthwhile efforts to make in pursuit of the right one. We've become so fixated on "instant gratification" in our society. When that intersects with the "ME uber alles" that seems to be so many people's mantra, it's no wonder so many relationships fail. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that all relationships are good ones. And I understand that many relationships fail because the needs of each person get consumed or pushed aside by the needs of other person or the commnual needs of the couple. The partnerships I'm in favor of give each of the individuals more personal strength and vitality, more support, more individuality, and more freedom to soar than they had when they were not in the relationship. Otherwise... what's the point?
This past weekend I was wallowing in a bit in self-pity. I let my insecurities overwhelm my intellect. I was impatient. I didn't communicate well. And I wasn't listening hard enough to my heart. Then I reverted to my very worst trait, and ran away from a conflict rather than dealing with a problem. It's not the first time I've regressed like that. Luckily I'm a big one for owning up to my mistakes, and on Monday I called him to apologize.
It's not often that we find a person we think is worth working hard for. Someone worth confronting our own demons for. Someone worth the sacrifices and growing pains. I'm very lucky to be in love with one of those.
52.27... relationships
They're never easy, are they?
Two people with different personalities, backgrounds, goals, styles, needs, desires, and hopes---trying to meld their lives in a way that creates a new entity that exceeds the sum of the two individuals. Something that nurtures and supports; appreciates and enhances; understands and forgives, entertains and distracts, celebrates and respects, cherishes and adores. All the while trying to avoid the minefields of neuroses, insecurities, misunderstandings, differing dynamics, and the inevitable just plain "bad days".
I'm thinking about all this because, this past weekend, I almost blew it completely with the most important person in my life. You'd think after waiting a lifetime to find the right one that I would be more careful, but alas, I can be a real idiot sometimes.
It's kind of a wonder that I believe relationships can work at all. I loved both my parents dearly, but by the time I was about 8 I was wondering why two people who were so completely different, and who argued as much as they did, were still together? And my grandfather next door made me his trusted co-conspirator in devising ways to get out of the house on weekends so he wouldn't be shut in with my nagging grandmother. I adored her- and had a vastly different relationship with her- but could see why he needed to escape. Around the same time we lived a few doors down the street from Sal and Marie and their four kids, including Cathie who was one of my best friends. At least once every few weeks the kids would all be herded over to our house and my mom would go over to help Marie cover up the latest bruises Sal had imposed. I got to observe that dysfunctional relationship for way too many years before she finally took the kids and left him.
Looking back on those troubled relationships with a more experienced eye, I understand that there was real love involved in all of them. But love alone isn't enough to make a relationship a good one. And for all the rosy feelings at the beginning of one, not all relationships are meant to work out. Sex is a fabulous thing- I'm rather quite fond of it - but if I'm going to spend my life devoted to someone, it's going to be because of a good deal more than my raging hormones.
I'm picky. This is what I look for in someone:
-kindness
-intellectual curiosity
-passion about something
-spirituality
-humility
-creativity
-non-conformity...I value "otherness"
-thoughtfulness about and participation in global issues
-thoughtfulness about and participation in national politics/issues
and the three most important things
-a sense of humor
-a sense of the absurd
-the ability to put up with my complex, odd and inconsistent personality.
Quite a lot to expect, eh? And- of course- it's what I hope t offer the person I love.
Years ago, everyone I knew had read "The Road Less Travelled" by M. Scott Peck. After seeing reference after reference to it, and having people ask repeatedly whether or not I had read it, I finally picked it up. To be honest, I didn't find it to be the mind-bending tome everyone else seemed to think it was, but there were two indelible concepts I took from it. The first had to do with the problem of "procrastination" and, while I won't go into details here, I will say that a few paragraphs he wrote profoundly changed my way of dealing with that problem. The other concept that really resonated with me was the notion that LOVE = WORK.
His point was precisely the first line of this essay. To love someone truly and deeply means that you're willing to put in the real effort involved in the herculean task of melding two disparate lives so that you both grow together and enrich each other's lives, making both of you stronger, happier individuals. Sometimes it means letting go of your own needs to serve the needs of the other. Sometimes it means learning new ways to communicate. Sometimes it means saying something you'd prefer not to, that could possibly be hurtful to the one you love, in order for the relationship to get stronger. And trusting that they will know you are telling them out of love. It's hard work. Every day. But like crops in the field, the end result is nurturing and sustaining...it offers health and happiness.
When I was younger, nearly everyone I knew was interested in "coupling up". Somewhere around the beginning of my 40s, though, fewer and fewer of my friends seemed interested any more. "Too much work" they'd say. "A partner just saps my energy". "Not worth the effort". "Noone understands me". They did, and still do, treat me like I'm from outer space that I not only believe that love relationships are valuable and necessary, but that I think hard work and compromises are worthwhile efforts to make in pursuit of the right one. We've become so fixated on "instant gratification" in our society. When that intersects with the "ME uber alles" that seems to be so many people's mantra, it's no wonder so many relationships fail. Don't get me wrong. I don't think that all relationships are good ones. And I understand that many relationships fail because the needs of each person get consumed or pushed aside by the needs of other person or the commnual needs of the couple. The partnerships I'm in favor of give each of the individuals more personal strength and vitality, more support, more individuality, and more freedom to soar than they had when they were not in the relationship. Otherwise... what's the point?
This past weekend I was wallowing in a bit in self-pity. I let my insecurities overwhelm my intellect. I was impatient. I didn't communicate well. And I wasn't listening hard enough to my heart. Then I reverted to my very worst trait, and ran away from a conflict rather than dealing with a problem. It's not the first time I've regressed like that. Luckily I'm a big one for owning up to my mistakes, and on Monday I called him to apologize.
It's not often that we find a person we think is worth working hard for. Someone worth confronting our own demons for. Someone worth the sacrifices and growing pains. I'm very lucky to be in love with one of those.