D and Me.

Law’s notes: 9-30-XX

 

I change more with each passing day. I feel that when I first sprang into being, the birthchild of decades old memories and something funky in the water of Midian, I was a completely different person.

 

It’s probably a matter of the experience of this transformation process. Cluster of memories > Brain tape > Clone = … I dunno… existential crisis? Most likely. The hole is there.

 

I spoke to D at length this evening, after a grueling 18 hours of free running… and spilled it. Told her how I felt something was missing in my essence. Something core. I told her it was probably my soul. She said it was probably purpose.

 

Volpe said exactly the same thing, the other night.

 

Soul… what is a soul? Is a soul simply purpose? D said it’s easier to define. Yes, purpose is… but is that what I’m missing? Purpose. I didn’t feel this way before the transbeing process.. but I was a cocky young pilot, moving into a training programming that I excelled at. I was about to be liberated from my parents, put into a school where I could do the things I loved – I had it all.

 

Now my parents have been dead for almost a year. My training program ended fifteen years ago, and I’d moved on… and became Laz. Hero. Loving husbanesque thing. All around nice guy.

 

Not me though. I’m not a Hero. Not a husbandesque thing. And definitely not an all around nice guy… or am I? Maybe that’s what’s missing. That purpose. Apparently the Old Man knew that. He found it. He didn’t feel something was missing.

 

But he wasn’t a clone of a man he isn’t.

 

I need to lay him to rest in my own head. Truly made a division somehow…

 

But have a made a mistake contacting all of his old friends? Was that the crucial turning point where I went wrong – coming back here, to Midian? Or is this the first step in finding purpose… and, God Willing… a soul?

 

Done