The Beginning of Surrender - Part III

Continued from:

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The Belly of the Whale

 

فَنَادَىٰ فِى ٱلظُّلُمَتِ

أَن لَّآ إِلَهَ إِلَّآ أَنتَ سُبْحَنَكَ إِنِّى كُنتُ مِنَ ٱلظَّلِمِينَ ‎

‏

Then he, the Prophet Yunus (as), called in the darkness of the whale,

“There is no god except You, Glory be to You!

Indeed, I, I am of the wrongdoers.”

Surah Al Anbiya, Verse 87-88

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Fa nada: Then he invoked his Lord and prayed silently and humbly, scared, covered…

 

Fi dulumaat: in darkness which concealed him in layers because he was in the belly of the whale and the night was dark.

 

An: Indeed, He…

 

La ilaha: There is no God worthy of worship but Allah and deserving of worship which is the Right of His Essence and His Attribute…

 

Illa anta: except You, O Who in front of Whom necks bend and bow before the Veils of Your Majesty, the necks of the ones who are of intellect and reason…

 

Subhanaka: Glory is to You, O my Lord, I think of You as free of all flaws which are not mentionable with Your Essence and (all flaws) which are not worthy of mention with Your Grace.

 

Inni: Indeed, I am, due to my departure from my people without Your Permission and Revelation, while you had sent me to them and raised me among them in appearance as a Prophet, as a preacher and as a guide…

 

Kuntu min ad-daalimeen: I am of the transgressors of boundaries, the ones who departed from Your Orders and Your Commands so that’s why You made the matter one of distress for me and You imprisoned me and there is no one who can rescue me from this suffering except Your Forgiveness and Your Mercy.

 

One day, after meeting someone dear to me who seemed deeply unhappy, I wondered how people who had been living in a state of paranoia and doubt for too long would ever emerge from it. I asked Qari Sahib.

 

“There is only one way out,” he said. “Zikr Allah, remembering Him, being aware of Him, returning to Him again and again.”

Then he pointed me to a verse that blew my mind. For the verse was sent for a Prophet and the Prophets were ma’soom, innocent. They did not possess free will so everything that happened to them was out of their hands. Yet the words of the verse were saying, to teach us the ordinary, that the punishment for not returning to Him in regret praising Him was staying in that darkness forever.

 

Life would become like a grave and we would be like the dead!

 

فَلَوۡلَاۤ أَنَّهُۥ كَانَ مِنَ ٱلۡمُسَبِّحِینَ

لَلَبِثَ فِی بَطۡنِهِۦۤ إِلَىٰ یَوۡمِ یُبۡعَثُونَ

 

And if he was not of those who glorify,

certainly, he (would have) remained in its belly until the Day they are resurrected.

Surah As Saffat, Verse 143-144

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And overall:

 

Fa lau la annahu kana min al Mussabiheena: And if he was, indeed, not of the ones who glorify the Glory of Allah, Al Munkashifeena, the ones for whom is unveiled the One-ness of Allah Al Haqq and the one who thinks Allah Subhanahu is pure in totality from the several names and aspects assigned to Him…

 

La-labitha: then he would have remained and stayed in…

 

Fi batinihi: in the belly of the whale…

 

Ila youm-I yubathoon: till the Day of Resurrection and it would be for him, the belly, like a grave the way a grave is for the dead and overall there would be no deliverance from it ever.

I became scared. Even though I hardly ever saw such people, I became scared for them. Till death they would be like that?

 

“But why won’t someone, especially someone who does believe in God, remember Allah Subhanahu, if that is all that is needed to emerge from that belly? Why would someone want to be like that forever? The lack of happiness or joy or peace of mind or even feeling alive? That anxiety and restlessness? Why won’t someone seek a way out of it?”

 

“Because,” my young teacher said knowingly, “Satan has made them forget that remembrance.”

 

My eyes widened as I read the verse he asked me to look up.

 

ٱسۡتَحۡوَذَ عَلَیۡهِمُ ٱلشَّیۡطَـٰنُ فَأَنسَىٰهُمۡ ذِكۡرَ ٱللَّهِۚ أُو۟لَـٰۤىِٕكَ حِزۡبُ ٱلشَّیۡطَـٰنِۚ

أَلَاۤ إِنَّ حِزۡبَ ٱلشَّیۡطَـٰنِ هُمُ ٱلۡخَـٰسِرُونَ

 

Shaitaan has overcome them so he made them forget the Remembrance (of) Allah.

Those are the party (of) Shaitaan.

No doubt! Indeed, (the) party (of) the Shaitaan, they (will be) the losers.

Surah Al Mujadilah, Verse 19

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

When…

 

Istahwada: he overcame, prevailed and took power…

 

Alaihimu Shaitaan: of them, Shaitaan, Al Mudill, the one who misleads, Al Maghwi, the tempter…

 

Fa ansaahum dikr Allah: so he made them forget the remembrance of Allah, Al Munqad, The Only Deliverer from deviation from the straight path, Al Murshid, The Only Guide towards guidance.

 

And overall…

 

Ulaika: they are the misfortunate, the miserable, the Al Matrodoona, the expelled…

 

Hizbo Shaitaan: the party of Shaitaan i.e. his army and his followers.

 

Ala inna hizba Shaitaan hum ul khasiroon: Are they not, the party of Shaitaan, the ones who are doomed, confined upon loss that has no end and humiliation everlasting, without the gain of Ma’rifat, Recognition of Allah and Yaqeen, certainty.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) prays: May Allah give us refuge and his ordinary worshippers from the following of Shaitaan, the one who misleads, the one who is the seducer, the tempter. Ameen!

 

At first my focus just went to the words; the misfortunate, the miserable, the expelled, confinement to loss without end, an eternal humiliation, no knowing Allah, no certainty. Basically hell!

 

It didn’t take me too long to realize that I was also firmly ensconced in the belly of the whale. After all the verse descended for a believer. I thought I was in a state of remembrance. That was a delusion. My praying and the fasting and ticking the boxes of rituals, giving charity above what was obligatory, going to Medina and Mecca to perform countless pilgrimages, visiting other countries for the shrines of the Friends of God, none of it rendered me in a state of deliverance.

 

Then realize I was worse than all those others who I was inadvertently judging. The ones whose states I was so worried about.

 

 

The Façade of My Obedience

 

رَبَّنَا فَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا ذُنُوبَنَا وَكَفِّرۡ عَنَّا سَیِّءَاتِنَا وَتَوَفَّنَا مَعَ ٱلۡأَبۡرَارِ

Our Lord so forgive for us our sins and remove from us our evil deeds, and cause us to die with the righteous

Surah Aal e Imran, Verse 193

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Rabbana: O Our Lord, we became certain by his instruction (Nabi Kareem (saw)) in the rank of certainty of Recognition of the Essence of Your One-ness and after we became stable in it…

 

Faghfir: forgive us and cover…

 

Lana dunubuna: for us our sins of our ego which made us of those who were deprived of the court of Your Presence until we became steadfast by Your Lutf, Kindness and Your Taufeeq, granted ability in the rank of certainty of Witnessing Your Essence…

 

Wa: and after we became stable in that…

 

Kaffir: erase and purify…

 

An-na sayyi’atina: from us our sins, our characteristics which make us feel duality at all times until we become certain by Your Fazl, Favour and Your Jood, Generosity in the rank of the Truth of Your Essence…

 

Wa: and after that…

 

Tawaffana: make us die in the Realm of Your Dissolution…

 

Ma’a al ibraar: with the righteous, Al Faneena, the ones who dissolve in Allah, Al Baqeena, the ones who remain in His Remaining.

 

The person is particular who was creating a lot of angst and confusion in my life was lingering. Everything about their nature that was creating distress for me was identified yet I would keep forgetting it. Finally enough sense prevailed that I cut off all ties with them. I didn’t answer calls. I stayed away from occasions where we might meet.

 

That went against the grain of my nature. I consider myself a polite person. At least as far as communication in the modern age is concerned. I call people back promptly. I return their messages immediately. That combined with my being sensitive as well as finicky, made this a first.

 

The reason I was able to even execute this going against my nafs was that I had been told to do it. In the preceding weeks when I had been visiting the shrines and reading a page of the Quran at random, not once or twice but over and over, I had been told the state of these people. I had been told how to react to them.

 

The message had been clear. Turn away and let them be.

 

Allah Subhanahu would take care of it in the time He chose.

 

وَتَوَلَّ عَنۡهُمۡ حَتَّىٰ حِینࣲ

 

So turn away from them for a time.

وَأَبۡصِرۡ فَسَوۡفَ یُبۡصِرُونَ

 

And see, so soon they will see (what they don’t see now.)

Surah As Saffat, Verse 178-179

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: And after that they are in a prolonged state of ghaflat, forgetfulness and state of being oppressive, tughyaan, and when they crossed the heights in conceit and desire for admiration of their personal attainments and (the heights of) disobedience…

 

Tawalla anhum: turn away from them, O Akmal Ar Rusul (greetings and salutations are sent upon you continuously by your Lord), The Messenger who completes Messenger-hood…

 

Hatta heen: for a time i.e. till the time of the completion of the promise of punishment.

 

Wa absir: And watch them after the descent of pain (upon them)…

 

Fasaufa yubsiroon: and they will soon watch i.e. what is it that will be the results of their opposing and their denial on the Day of Resurrection and they, who are of the misguided, will also see.

 

The Mukhaatib, the addressee, of the verse and the Quran was always Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon the softest heart and his blessed family that pour mercy upon the Universe as gifted to them by their Lord). The Quran, minus a handful of verses, is a dialogue between only the two.

 

Through his person it then speaks to the rest of us. The word that struck me most when I first read the verse was “prolonged.”

 

Being in a state of forgetfulness, cruel, crossing the heights of self-importance and desire for admiration of their own selves, not even others, being disobedient for too long.

 

Other verses were even more severe. One thing was common in all in terms of an open declaration. If someone was unkind to Allah’s Beloved (salutations and greetings upon him and his family by Al Muhayman, The One who protects him), Subhanahu stepped in Himself and the Jalali Attributes of His Awe and Wrath manifested.

 

Verses like the above starting appearing again and again. To show me eventually that my suffering was caused by own self. That it was because of false gods of hopes and expectations in my heart.

 

Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his blessed family by His Lord who is his only Guardian), on the other hand, was different from everyone in all of Creation. His sadness bore out of a yearning as the Mercy of the Universe that they, the wicked, the stubborn, the selfish, the refusers, the deniers, the ungrateful, the hypocrites, the worst of all of Mankind, would somehow become believers.

 

The distress that he placed himself in in that longing brought the descent of such verses in the Quran.

 

فَلَعَلَّكَ بَـٰخِعࣱ نَّفۡسَكَ عَلَىٰۤ ءَاثَـٰرِهِمۡ إِن لَّمۡ یُؤۡمِنُوا۟ بِهَـٰذَا ٱلۡحَدِیثِ أَسَفًا

 

Then perhaps you would be the one who kills yourself over their denial in grief, if they don’t believe in this Message.

Surah Al Kahf, Verse 6

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

After that their states in deception and disputing upon this course of action and the intensity of their anger and their enemity with Allah like this:

 

Falallaka: So perhaps you, O Akmal Ar Rusul (your Lord sends greetings and salutations upon you and your blessed family lovingly), O Messenger who completes Messenger-hood, with your love, unconditional, for their imaan, faith and their compliance and your hopes and your sympathy towards their pledge and their following…

 

Bakhi’un nafsaka: will kill yourself and devastate yourself…

 

Ala aasaarihim: because of them when they turn away from you and go…

 

Il-lam yu’minu: if they don’t believe and they don’t affirm…

 

Bi hadal hadith: in this Word of Allah i.e. the Quran…

 

Asafa: (in) traumatic grief i.e. destroy your self by excessive sadness and grief upon their leaving and their turning away from you and the absence of faith and obedience to you.

Even though He urges you (to love) their faith and their obedience and their richness and their kingdom and their elevation and their ranking and their wealth and their leadership among the people. So know that indeed, they don’t have any preparation nor do they have any certainty upon what is happening to them (as a result of your preaching).

 

The only words applicable for me were “will you kill yourself and devastate yourself because they turn away and go.” I couldn’t help but notice the end in particular. When Allah Subhanahu acknowledges, “Yes, I am The One who indeed sent you to possess this desire for them to be of the faithful and be obedient and have ranking and riches, but they are not of the ones who can respond.”

 

After that Subhanahu described to His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon his most kind soul) why they could never respond.

 

فَإِنَّكَ لَا تُسۡمِعُ ٱلۡمَوۡتَىٰ وَلَا تُسۡمِعُ ٱلصُّمَّ ٱلدُّعَاۤءَ إِذَا وَلَّوۡا۟ مُدۡبِرِینَ

 

So indeed, you cannot make the dead hear and cannot make the deaf hear the call when they turn, retreating.

Surah Ar Rum, Verse 52

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And overall: The ones who desire to harm people because of their in-born nature and are stone-like in their in-born character due to their being dead in reality and conceptually although they look like they are alive in form, do not care about them O Akmal Ar Rusul (peace and salutations upon you by your Lord with love) and (do not care about) their affairs and do not toil yourself over their guidance or their perfection.

 

Fa innaka la tusmi’ul mauta: So indeed you cannot make the dead hear, it is not in your power and your control to make the dead hear, but upon you is the conveyance and the inviting.

 

Wa la tusmi’u summa: And you cannot make the deaf hear, those who are deaf by nature…

 

Ad dua’a: the call and the invitation, especially…

 

Ida wal-lau: when they turn away and avoid you…

 

Mudbireen: turning their backs to you, evading you, denying you, rejecting your Messenger-hood and your invitation.

And again I just stared at the words, “When they turn away and avoid you, turning their backs to you, evading you…”

 

كَذَلِكَ یَطۡبَعُ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِ ٱلَّذِینَ لَا یَعۡلَمُونَ

 

Thus seals Allah the hearts of those who do not know.

Surah Ar Rum, Verse 59

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Kadalika: Like their natures and their seals, which you witness, Ya Akmal Ar Rusul, (peace and salutation upon you by your Muhibb, The One who loves you and your family), of the ones in jahla, ignorance…

 

Yatba’ullah: Allah Al Hakim, The Wise One, Al Muttaqin, The Possessor of All Certainty, has branded in their actions and has then sealed…

 

Ala qulubi: their hearts, all the Kafir, the deniers of truth and stubborn…

 

Alladina la ya’lamoona: they are the ones who do not know the truth and they do not believe in it because they are setup upon the stubborn-ness in their nature and the ignorance is such that it is kneaded which will not go by proofs and witnessing at all.

 

وَمَن لَّمۡ یَجۡعَلِ ٱللَّهُ لَهُۥ نُورࣰا فَمَا لَهُۥ مِن نُّورٍ

 

And (for) whom (has) not made Allah a light, then for him (is) not any light.

Surah An Nur, Verse 40

 

The words got me thinking of the nature of the crazy people I had come across in life. In the breadth of my experience they were mainly of two types; one was deceitful, the other honest, if perhaps only because they couldn’t hide their feelings because of lack of control. Superficially one appeared mild, the other cruel. The first was more dangerous, deadly. Their façade was calm. The other was a lunatic admittedly so, often proud of it. One was hidden, the other declared. One was passive, the other defiant. Both were stubborn and ignorant, insistent and persistent about their nature.

 

The truth is I was more like the former. My madness was hidden till it emerged. Anger used to instigate it. The only redeeming quality that I had been bestowed was that I felt regret. I expressed remorse. When I was not forgiven and my entreaties were rejected, I had breakdowns. It was related to abandonment issues which seemed universal but my reaction was at least consistent. I was always dying to be forgiven. Perhaps that is what saved me from that “prolonged” state.

Either way, they were in a prison and I was in a prison. More appeared in commonality than difference.

 

 

The Shirrk in My Heart

 

إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ لَا یَغۡفِرُ أَن یُشۡرَكَ بِهِۦ

وَیَغۡفِرُ مَا دُونَ ذَٰلِكَ لِمَن یَشَاۤءُۚ وَمَن یُشۡرِكۡ بِٱللَّهِ فَقَدۡ ضَلَّ ضَلَـٰلَۢا بَعِیدً

 

Indeed, Allah does not forgive that partners be associated with Him, but He forgives [what] other than that for whom He wills. And whoever associates partners with Allah then surely he lost (the) way, straying far away.

Surah An-Nisa, Verse 116

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then said Subhanahu, entertaining the idea of sinners and drawing them towards remorse and returning (to Him)...

 

Inallaha: Indeed, Allah Al Mutalli’u, The One Perfectly Informed of the secrets of His Servants…

 

La yaghfir: does not forgive and does not pardon…

 

Ayy yushraka bihi: the partners that are associated with Him by anything from His Creation, (he does not pardon) that it be made worthy of worship and (he does not pardon) that the happenings of things are associated with that which is manufactured…

 

Wa yaghfir ma doona dalika la may-yasha’u: and He forgives everything else (other sins) for whom He chooses if, he, the sinner, may have felt compelled to do the other sin and he may have disliked it (like lying or stealing) and he was remorseful for it and he was not insistent upon it…

 

Wa mayy yushrik billahi: and the one who associates partners with Allah with the association of happenings in the world to others than Him…

 

Faqad dallah: so he is astray from the Place of Tauheed…

 

Dalalan ba’eeda: a waywardness distant, with no hope of guidance for him

 

In addition to the verses in the Quran I kept being given explicit signs by my blessed Master, Ghaus Pak (ra), that even my state of staying away, cutting off ties, a source of pride for me, was as fickle as a house of cards.

 

He revealed to me in minute details why it was a lie, why it was superficial.

 

Once Shaan had been admitted into the institute. I left for my village for a much needed reprieve. I was tired. I wanted to be alone. There I was informed of my state that I was completely unaware of.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani

 

…When this opening and closing (of the doors of others) is correct for the Servant, then the burden leaves him and he acquires seclusion. The honour comes to his heart and is dispersed upon him. Keys come to him and separated are for him the skins (useless things) and the marrow remains.

 

The path of lusts forbidden is closed and broken and he prevails upon it and the way to Al Haqq Azzo Jal is opened and the road appears which is the road of His desire, the road of the ones before you from the Prophets and the Messengers and the Friends of God.

 

What is this way? It is the road of purification without impurity, the road of Tauheed, One-ness, without shirrk, the road of surrender without dispute, the road of truth without lies, the road of Al Haqq Azzo Jal without Creation, the road of Al Musabbib, the Granter of Means, without the means.

 

This is the road which the elite of the religion and the Sultans of Ma’rifat, the Recognition of Allah, and the Kings were upon, who were the men of Allah Al Haqq Azzo Jal and the cleansed ones and the selected ones, the helpers of the religion, those who hold enemity (only) for Allah and love (only) because of Him.

 

Woe upon you! How can you be the one who claims to be on the way of such people when you are a mushrik, associate others, with Him and make others from Creation like Him?

 

There is no imaan, faith, in you upon the Earth while you fear someone or have hopes associated with someone.

 

There is no zuhd, detachment, for you while in this world there is a thing you desire.

 

There is no Tauheed, One-ness, for you while you look at anyone else in your way towards Him…

 

Then Ghaus Pak (ra) says: O hypocrite, Allah Azzo Jal makes appear who He wants from His Servants. He is Al Munaadi, The One who gives fame, for them. He is Al Jami’, The Gatherer, of the hearts of creation to love who He wants from among His Servants. He is Al Mussakhir, He makes subservient what He wants.

 

You want that with your hypocrisy you collect the hearts of people so that they incline towards you. This will achieve nothing.”

 

Every word was like an arrow but that line particular revealed my pathetic state to me. I did still want their hearts to incline towards me. It was horrifying and disgusting at the same time.

 

Then my Master explained the concept of maqsoom, that which has been apportioned for each person in their destiny. Why running after something that was not in it was the cause of humiliation.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani (cont’d): “O Listener! Leave your lusts under your feet and turn away from them with all of your heart. If there is anything in them that is destined for you in the Knowledge of Allah, it will come to you in its own time because in matters of destiny, zuhd, detachment is not correct and the Knowledge of Allah, it cannot be changed and altered.

 

Your share will come to you in its time, happily, in abundance, pure so you will receive it with the hand of honour rather than humiliation. And with that, you will, indeed, receive the reward of being a zahid in front of Al Haqq Azzo Jal and He will look at you with the eyes of respect because you were not greedy and there was no insistence on your desire being met.

 

Then however much you run from the share of your destiny, it will become attached to you and run after you and in this, detachment is not correct but it is an absolute must to turn away from it before it comes.

 

Learn from me zuhd, detachment, and giving and taking. Don’t sit in your isolation with your ignorance. Learn the faith, then isolate yourself. Learn the Commands of Allah, and practice them in deed, then turn away from everyone except the few from the scholars of Allah Azzo Jal. So meeting them and hearing them is better than being separate.

 

If you see one of them, then it is compulsory to grab onto him and learn from him the understanding of Allah’s Ilm,

 

Knowledge and Mari’fat, Recognition. Gain learning by hearing the words of knowledge from their mouth, which comes from the tongues of men who these men are who are the scholars of Allah.

 

When this state of yours becomes correct, then become alone without the nafs, your self that prompts towards wrongdoing and Shaitaan and desires and tabyat, your acquired secondary nature and aadat, habits and seeing of anything in Creation except Him...

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) then says: I am shafeeq, kind, for you for I lift your burdens and sew your ripped deeds and implore Allah Subhanahu to accepts your good deeds and forgive your mistakes. What is the reason you have no love for me even though I care for you, for your sake, not mine.

 

I want your benefit and to save you from this murderous and cunning world. How long will you run after it. Soon it will turn around and face you and it will kill you…

 

…So when your state becomes correct (of learning from them), then adopt seclusion without your nafs and without Shaitaan and without lusts and habits and seeing Creation. Once this state of seclusion becomes right, then the angels and the souls of the Saliheen, the ones who reformed themselves, their powers will surround you.

 

If your seclusion from Creation is not based on this principle, without it your seclusion is hypocrisy plus a waste of your precious time. You will gain nothing from it. Instead, you will be in fire in the world and in the Hereafter. In the world, the fire is of misfortune and in the Hereafter, it is the fire prepared for the hypocrites and the deniers of truth, the ungrateful.”

 

Then he prays: “O Allah! Forgive us again and again and forgive us and hide for us and overlook for us and (accept) our repentance. Don’t shred our veils that cover us and don’t hold us accountable on our sins, O Allah, O Kareem, who said:

 

وَهُوَ ٱلَّذِی یَقۡبَلُ ٱلتَّوۡبَةَ عَنۡ عِبَادِهِۦ وَیَعۡفُوا۟ عَنِ ٱلسَّیِّءَاتِ

 

And He (is) the One Who accepts the repentance of His slaves and pardons [of] the evil, and He knows what you do.

Surah Ash Shura, Verse 25

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: And how can He, Subhanahu, not know of the hidden in their breasts…

 

Huwalladi yaqbalu tauba-tan: who is The One who accepts repentance which is happening solely because of regret and sincerity, (how can He not know of) which are the actions of the heart…

 

An ibadihi: of His Servants, Al Mustarji’eena, those who want to return towards Him with perfect khashiya, humility and khudu’, submission.

 

Wa: And after the acceptance of their tauba, repentance, from them…

 

Ya’fu: He forgives and He overlooks…

An: in totality…

 

Assiyaat: the sins happening from them upon the path of ghaflat, forgetfulness.

 

Wa: And overall…

 

Ya’lamu: He knows from you all of…

 

Ma tafaloon: what you do with your overt and inner (beings).

Woe upon you! You claim to have knowledge and find happiness the way the ignorant find happiness and are angry like they are angry.

 

Your happiness with the world and your inclination towards Creation will make you forget wisdom and harden your heart. The Mo’min is only happy with Allah and nobody except Him.”

I was in the village for five nights. In those five days, I read the above then translated it from the Arabic with Qari Sahib. In the quiet, I took it all in slowly.

 

Each word gave me pause. The crux of the matter was this: I wanted happiness in what they found happiness. Which was only and only the world. I was angry like they were angry. What made me the saddest was that the behaviour hardened my heart. Made me forget everything I tried to learn.

 

Every single thing I did on my spiritual joutney was with only one goal in mind. One intention alone: I wanted a softer heart. That was the nisbat, the association, that was dearest to me with my Nabi Pak (salutations and greeting upon the one called Ar Rahim by Allah Ar Raheem and his blessed family who transfer that Mercy to others). I wanted a heart that was in a continual, constant state of becoming softer and softer.

 

What else was there?

 

And I wanted ease. I had even studied those verses that showed me the way.

 

فَأَمَّا مَنۡ أَعۡطَىٰ وَٱتَّقَىٰ

وَصَدَّقَ بِٱلۡحُسۡنَىٰ

فَسَنُیَسِّرُهُۥ لِلۡیُسۡرَىٰ

 

Then as for (him) who gives and is mindful,

and believes in the best,

then We will ease him towards the ease.

Surah Al Layl, Verses 5-8

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Fa amma man aa’ta: So as for the one who gives from that which he was given from Al Haqq from rizq, sustenance, in (both) form and meaning, along with khushu, humility and khudu, submission and khuloos, sincerity, of intention and inner most feelings and different kinds of obedience and worship commanded for him…

 

Wa attaqa: and is mindful in totality of that which is forbidden and that which is prohibited about which Allah’s warnings of restraint have come in them…

 

Wa saddaqa bil husna: and he affirms the limitless demands of the Names of Allah and the effects of His Exalted Attributes which can never be counted and never be enumerated…

 

Fa sanuyassirruhu: then We will prepare for him and give him ability…

 

Lil yusra: for ease towards the way, which is easy, connecting towards the goal of Tauheed, One-ness and Ma’rifa, Divine Recognition, that brings deliverance from the darkness of doubts and the shadows of paranoia.

 

Every single thing that was was troubling my heart was being shown to me in pages of the Quran. I would pick the verses and I was told what was wrong. But being told something is not enough for the ones hiding idols in their hearts. For the ones who claim love for their Creator but no fear of displeasing Him. 

 

 

The Fire of Possibilities

 

وَمِنْهُم مَّن يَقُولُ رَبَّنَآ ءَاتِنَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا حَسَنَةًۭ

وَفِى ٱلْـَٔاخِرَةِ حَسَنَةًۭ وَقِنَا عَذَابَ ٱلنَّارِ

 

And from those who say, "Our Lord! Grant us in the world good and in the Hereafter good, and save us from the punishment of the Fire.”

 

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 201

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa minhum mayyaqoolu: Amongst them are those who have union in their overt and inner beings, (zahir and batin) and keep this world and the Afterlife together...

 

Rabbana a’tina fi duniya: who say, “O our Lord, Grant us goodness which makes You pleased with us in this life…

 

Wa fil akhira: and grant us goodness in the Hereafter, which connects us with Your One-ness (Tauheed)…

 

Waqina: and by Your Favour and Mercy upon us…

 

Adaab an naar: save us from the possibilities that cause paranoia and doubt.

 

I returned to Lahore. The circumstances then became such that almost everyone I knew started meeting said person and casually bringing them up in conversation. That started a thought in my head. That thought began to appear in recurrence and I wasn’t able to avoid it. It ran like a tape.

 

“They’re mean,” I would say to myself when I felt hurt.

 

Then a moment later, I would ask my nafs. “But are they really mean?”

 

And it would reply sounding reasonable, “No, they are not.”

 

I would agree. They were not really mean. They just had issues like everyone else. They were just one of those who pretended like they were “unaware.” Which is the biggest façade of all. Otherwise they should also be unaware when others did the same to them but in those instances they were always hyper sensitive, upset and terribly hurt. The contrast in their emotional states between being on the receiving end and doling it out is what betrayed their state of deception, with their own self and others.

 

But at the time I was stuck in my own nightmare!

 

For a few moments later the thought would reappear like a flash card. “They’re mean.”

 

Then the self-doubt “But are they mean?”

 

“No, they are not.”

 

“Yeah, I guess they’re not.”

 

And repeat!

 

I spent one whole day in that state. Distractions from activities did not make it better. By the end of the second evening, I was mentally exhausted. The constitution of my nerves is such that I can take on a continual state of emotional stress for about 48 hours. After that I collapse. It was the sole reason I had to exit relationships that others might allow to linger on for decades.

 

When I saw that moment looming on the horizon, dangerously close, I became anxious in its anticipation. Still at least I knew what would happen, having been through it before, so I decided to wait for it. There was nothing else to do. I didn’t know how to stop the tape.

 

Even worse was the truth that I did still wonder if they thought about me. If they realized what they had done. It shouldn’t have mattered. They were sticking to their guns. That was why they were called stubborn and persistent. But the shackles of my nafs were so tightly wound around my neck, even in that state of suffocation, it remained curious about one scenario or another. Like the insane person, I was considering the source of my torment to also be the cure of it.

 

Leading up to those hours before what I thought was going to be my folding I continued translating verses hoping they would cure the disease of my heart. What they did do was hold up a mirror to the truth of my state. In that intense anxiety though, in each read I would only see the others.

 

I only focused on the words that were placing them in the negative category Subhanahu was describing to His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon him and his family from the beginning till the end of times). How they would burn in their fires of desires and wealth and power and claims of abundance.

 

لَهُم مِّن جَهَنَّمَ مِهَادٌۭ وَمِن فَوْقِهِمْ غَوَاشٍۢ ۚ

وَكَذَٰلِكَ نَجْزِى ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ

 

Hell will be their resting place and their covering as well.

And this is how we recompense the wrong doers.

Surah Al-Araaf, Ayaat 41

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Lahum min jahannama: Hell is the torture of imkaan, possibility which is doubt…

 

Mihaad: and they will burn in these fires of their false desires.

Wa min fauqihim ghiwash: They will be covered with the fires of their power and wealth and claims of being great and possessing abundance.

 

Wa ka daalika najzi ad-dualimeen: And the zalimeen, the ones who transgress the boundaries of Allah due to their nafs, who are unjust, will drown in the addiction of their senses, their paranoia and their delusion.

 

I didn’t feel better. On top of that I totally missed the line which was about my hell; that it is the torture of imkaan, possibility, which is doubt…

 

The verses were in a series and about the differences between two and started with a verse ma’roof, well known.

 

There are two kinds of seas, salty and sweet and they cannot be equal.

 

وَمَا یَسۡتَوِی ٱلۡبَحۡرَانِ هَـٰذَا عَذۡبࣱ فُرَاتࣱ سَاۤىِٕغࣱ شَرَابُهُۥ وَهَـٰذَا مِلۡحٌ أُجَاجࣱۖ

وَتَرَى ٱلۡفُلۡكَ فِیهِ مَوَاخِرَ لِتَبۡتَغُوا۟ مِن فَضۡلِهِۦ وَلَعَلَّكُمۡ تَشۡكُرُونَ

 

And not are alike the two seas.

This (is) fresh, sweet, pleasant its drink, and this salty (and) bitter…

…so you see the ships in it, cleaving, so that you may seek of His Bounty, and that you may be grateful.

Surah Fatir, Verse 12

 

I read the translation. As soon as I realized through the tafseer that the description is in fact of a state, I felt desperate for mine to be that of the Mo’min.

 

What I wanted most of all was that sip of the water sweet which would “break the persistent feeling of ill will.” It would stop the tape from playing in my head.

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then exemplified Subhanahu both of the groups, the Mo’min, the believer and the Kafir, the denier of truth, as two seas sweet and salty, so He said:

 

Wa ma yastawi al bahraane: And the two seas are not alike in advantage and benefit received from them both because…

 

Hada: the (state of the) Mo’min, the attester to the sea of Imaan, faith and Irfaan, Divine Recognition, the one upon whom is poured water from the Sea of the Essence of One-ness…

 

Adb-un: is like water fresh and delightful, giving pleasure to the mind, sweet in perfect sweetness…

 

Furat-un: sweet, it breaks the persistent feeling of ill will (to harm and avenge people) for those burning with thirst in the mirage of the world with the coolness of Yaqeen, certainty…

 

Saa’ighun sharaabuhu: easy is its drinking i.e. easy is its going down, for those set up on the nature of Tauheed, Allah Subhanahu’s One-ness.

 

Wa hada: And this (the other sea/group) i.e. the Kafir, the denier of truth/ungrateful, malevolent, unkind, is in the sea of ghaflat, unawareness and carelessness…

 

Milh-un: (is like water) salty, it does not reform a person who wants to reform themselves, whoever tastes from it, instead…

 

Ujaaj-un: (it is) burning, bitter, corrupting for the disposition. The one who tasted from it was destroyed, devastatingly, forever such that there is no rescue for him, instead…

 

Wa: the sea of bitterness, in it is still an advantage, but there is no benefit for the Kafir, the denier of truth, and the one who refuses to be guided at all.

 

The thought continued in the verses that followed. What else was never going to be equal? Not the blind and the seeing.

Not the darkness and the light.

 

وَمَا یَسۡتَوِی ٱلۡأَعۡمَىٰ وَٱلۡبَصِیرُ

وَلَا ٱلظُّلُمَـٰتُ وَلَا ٱلنُّورُ

 

And not equal (are) the blind and the seeing,

And not the darkness[es] and not [the] light,

Surah Fatir, Verse 19-20

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: But…

 

Ma yastawi: they are not equal in closeness and rank according to Allah…

 

Al a’ma: the blind, Al Ghafil, the forgetful ones, Al Jahil, the ignorant, about how to make the returning and attention…

 

Wal baseer: and the seeing ones, Al Arif, the ones who recognize Allah, Al Aleem, the knowing ones, seeing with the signs of reaching and ascension.

 

Wa la dulumaat: And (they are also not equal) the darkness, which is layered upon each other, thick and these are the darkness of tabyat (nature acquired from habits), and the darkness of chaos, and the darkness of what is superficially created, and the darkness of the egos different, which become heavy until it becomes a curtain, hard and a veil heavy, making blind the eyes, which were set up upon seeing and pondering upon the demands of matters of Allah’s Wrath and Awe.

 

Wa la noor: (with) the one radiant, upon whom come unveilings from the Essence of One-ness according to His Will, Subtle and Beautiful.

 

They were not equal, the shadow and heat. Nor the dead and the alive. For they may be alive but it was like they were living in a grave.

 

Now I started noticing the word “possibilities” as it sprung up everywhere. The burning of that heat was “flowing from the possibilities of hopes…the dead were destroyed by the essential nature of possibilities.”

 

وَلَا ٱلظِّلُّ وَلَا ٱلۡحَرُورُ

وَمَا یَسۡتَوِی ٱلۡأَحۡیَاۤءُ وَلَا ٱلۡأَمۡوَٰتُۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ یُسۡمِعُ مَن یَشَاۤءُۖ

وَمَاۤ أَنتَ بِمُسۡمِعࣲ مَّن فِی ٱلۡقُبُورِ

 

And not the shade and not the heat,

And not equal (are) the living and not the dead.

 

Indeed, Allah causes to hear whom He wills, and not you can make hear (those) who (are) in the graves.

 

Surah Fatir, Verse 21-22

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa la dillu: And (they are not equal) the Shadow of Allah Al Ilahi, The Lord, the Shadow being like Al Mirwah li Arwah, a fan giving tranquility to the souls of the people of love and compliance by the fragrances of the breezes of the different kinds of Divine Treasures and Honour…

 

Wa lal haroor: and the heat i.e. the burning which destroys rising, flowing from the possibilities of hopes, which are mixed with the darkness of the tabyat (secondary nature) rising from the clouds of desires and the fires of lusts.

 

Wa: And overall…

 

Ma yastawi: they are also not equal, according to Allah Al Aleem, The All Knowing, Al Hakeem, The Only Possessor of Wisdom…

 

Al ahya: the alive with the life of Ma’rifa, His Recognition, and Imaan, faith, and Yaqeen, certainty and irfaan, His Knowledge, a life from the beginning to the end, everlasting. There is no command for that life that it is completed (because it is in the Hereafter and therefore eternal) and there is no occurrence for it that it becomes nothing.

 

Wa la al-amwaat: and the dead (with the alive) because of the death of jahl, ignorance and adlaal, being astray and the different kinds of ghaflat, carelessness and nisyaan, forgetfulness, the ones who are Haalikeen, destroyed in the essential nature of possibilities, forever abiding in the corner of wasting away and humiliation.

 

Innallaha: Indeed Allah is, Al Aleem, The All Knowing, Al Hakeem, The Only One with Wisdom, Al Muttaqqin, The One Perfect in His Actions…

 

Yusmae’u: He causes hearing and He guides…

 

Mayya sha’u: who He wills from His Servants, bestowing for them and giving favours to them which leads them towards the Path of His One-ness…

 

Wa maa anta: and you are not, O Akmal Ar Rusul, O Messenger who completed Messengerhood (salutations and greetings upon you and your family continuously by the Heavens and its Angels)…

 

Bi musmi’-in: able to make them hear, as the guide and the instructor…

 

Man fil quboor: the ones in the graves i.e. the one who was permanently fixed, whose abode has been made in the hole of jahl, ignorance, (like a) knot, and the fire of possibilities and the happenings from negligence and forgetfulness because they are set up upon the state of being beguiled by their unaware nature and animalistic tendencies. There is no accountability for you regarding giving them guidance or instructing them at all.

 

By the end of the fifth verse, it was confirmed that I was not in the clear either. As much as my nafs wanted to delude itself that I must be part of the seeing and the light. And the shade and life. Certainly not in a grave. I wasn’t. The one thing I identified undeniably was that the tape in my head was a result of wondering about one imkaan or another. It was a deluge of possibilities.

 

And still my nafs did not want to let go of them. It didn’t want to let go of the cause of that anxiety. It didn’t want to let go of the idols in my heart. It didn’t want to let go of its associations of hope and expectations with others, its shirrk. That is the nature of the beast. It does not know how to against its wishes. How to refuse them.

 

So the nightmare continued. That persistence of a careless, deliberate state finally brought my Master’s patience with me to an end.

 

Continued on: www.flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/52650032173/in/datepos...

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