The Beginning of Surrender - Part II

Continued from:

www.flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/52651478772/in/datepos...

 

The First Jolt

 

أَنِّي مَسَّنِيَ الضُّرُّ وَأَنتَ أَرْحَمُ الرَّاحِمِينَ

 

Prayed the Prophet Ayub (as),

"Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful”.

Surah Al Anbiya, Verse 83

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Anni massani ad durru: Indeed adversity has touched me, O Lord, far away have gone those close to me and my relatives and all the ones who were affectionate with me…

 

Wa anta: and You are The One remaining who is still for me Merciful and Affectionate for indeed You are…

 

Arham ar Rahimeen: the Most Merciful of the merciful so come to me suddenly with Your Lutf, Kindness because I have no strength and no patience after this and surely his suffering had reached its heights.

 

When I came back to Lahore, I had a recurring interaction with a new friend in my life who I was finding was inconsistent by nature. It was making me react in extremes. I was either over-indulgent or wishing to exit in a way that would only appear as abandonment. At first I thought I didn’t care but all too quickly acknowledged that I did. That’s because it created confusion for me and if you have two and a half relationships in total in life, you need clarity. At all times!

 

The Quran had ordered moderation in interactions. Pretty much quite literally in the tafseer of a single word: Qayyiman.

 

قَیِّمࣰا لِّیُنذِرَ بَأۡسࣰا شَدِیدࣰا مِّن لَّدُنۡهُ وَیُبَشِّرَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ ٱلَّذِینَ یَعۡمَلُونَ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ أَنَّ لَهُمۡ أَجۡرًا حَسَنࣰا

 

Straight, to warn of a punishment severe, from near Him

and give glad tidings to the believers,

those who do righteous deeds, that for them is a reward good.

Surah Al Kahf, Verse 2

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And overall:

 

Qayyiman: (The Book) is straight, unfaltering and moderate between the ways of over-indulgence and abandonment, both of which are reprehensible in terms of reason and religion. And Allah has made it descend upon His Servant and Beloved (salutations and greetings upon the one who is unparalleled before his Lord)…

 

I wanted to follow the Command but I didn’t how to do it without putting myself in harm’s way.

 

Just then Qari Sahib had a death in the family. My cousin called me to take our weekly class. I had totally given up speaking publicly about anything related to the faith. I think it was because it would be under some guise of sharing knowledge but really I was just breaking rules. If one doesn’t manifest the knowledge in deed, talking about it, even in theory, is strictly forbidden.

 

Still, I asked Qari Sahib what he thought and we agreed that I would just read a page of Al Fath Ar Rabbani. Literally just read it!

 

I was midway in the book. I couldn’t figure out how to pick one sermon of my blessed Master, the King of all Spiritual Masters. I decided to go to page one. It had been almost two years that I had started the book and this is what I read:

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani:

 

“Ae’taraz, finding fault with, objecting to, raising doubt about Al Haqq Azzo Jal on the descent of fate decreed is the death of religion.”

 

The next few lines repeated the word that put fear in my heart, an emotion uncommon in my spiritual journey:

“It is the death of Tauheed, His One-ness.

It is the death of Tawakkul, relying upon Him and Ikhlas, sincerity.

 

The heart with imaan, faith, doesn’t know the words ‘Why’ and ‘How.’ It does not know the words ‘But instead.’

Its only response is ‘Yes.’

 

It is the habit of the nafs to be contrary, confrontational and quarreling. The nafs (Ammara) is only sharr, wrongdoing.

So one should wish for its correction and its striving until it finds refuge from its evil. For it is sharr fi sharr, evil upon evil, in totality. Hence, if it labours in great effort and becomes calm, it grows into and comes to be in totality, khair fi khair, goodness in goodness, assuming the form of the gathering of obedience and in the leaving all sin, so then is said to it…”

 

I had only just begun the read when I stopped.

 

Four deaths in one go! Of everything that I was striving for and clearly falsely declaring. All attributed to one reason; ae’taraz!

 

First I looked up the word even though I knew its meaning.

 

Ae’taraz: an objection, a criticism, an offering of a protest, the raising of doubt, a complaint, disapproval, disagreement.

 

The kicker, which I realized immediately because of the severity of the consequence; the losing of deen (religion), Tauheed (Allah’s One-ness), tawwakul (reliance), and ikhlas (sincerity) was because I was finding fault, having the ae’taraz, with not even what had been decreed for me.

 

I was depriving myself of everything that mattered in my life because of useless disappointment with what was the fate of others!

 

13 years on a spiritual path and I was throwing it all away again and again because of why someone else did something. All of whom either pretended unawareness of their actions or prided themselves on the indifference they felt about the impact of their actions on another. Who didn’t care about anyone at all.

 

That is how I realized the truth of the reality behind the push and pull. That it was in fact the manifestation of that ae’taraz.

 

“Why wasn’t this happening and why did that happen? Why couldn’t it have gone like that and why didn’t I say this, do that? Why didn’t they say this, do that?” It was endless. It was always pointless. One even recognized that. Never in a million years though could I have imagined that it was spiritual suicide.

 

Thus the word imkaan, possibility, made its grand entrance. Ae’taraz was the poison and fire of possibilities. It was a disease of the heart.

 

 

The Diseases of the Heart

 

رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغْ قُلُوبَنَا بَعْدَ إِذْ هَدَيْتَنَا وَهَبْ لَنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ رَحْمَةً ۚ

إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلْوَهَّابُ

 

They say,˺ “Our Lord! Do not let our hearts deviate after you have guided us.

Grant us Your mercy.

You are indeed the Giver of all bounties.

Surah Aal e Imran, Verse 8

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Rabbana: O You who is our Lord, The One who brought about our upbringing by Your Lutf, Mercies, upon the foundation of Your One-ness…

 

La tuzigh: do not deviate and do not make inclined…

 

Qulubuna: our hearts away from Your Path…

 

Ba’ada id hadaytana: after You guided us towards Your Way by revealing Your Books and sending Your Messengers.

 

Wahaba lana: And grant us and bestow upon us…

 

Mil ladunka rahma-tan: from Yourself, Mercy and the Knowledge of Divine Certainty, the Witnessing of Divine Certainty and the Truth of Divine Certainty.

 

Innaka anta al Wahaab: Verily, You are Al Wahaab, The Bestower, without any exchange and without any motive.

 

I searched the word “disease” first in my tafaseer. It had appeared twice.

 

The first was in the breaking of the pact between Man and God. Between the nafs and the ruh and the qalb - the egoistic self, the soul and the heart within the heart. The Surah was At Tauba, The Repentance. It had always played a transformational role in my life.

 

It was its first verse:

 

‏بَرَآءَةٌۭ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِۦٓ إِلَى ٱلَّذِينَ عَهَدتُّم مِّنَ ٱلْمُشْرِكِينَ

 

The disavowal from obligations by Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him and his family) from the covenant with the idolators.

Surah Tauba, Verse 1

 

Commentary by Hazrat Najmuddin Kubra (ra):

 

“The symbolic meaning of the verse is this: The mushrikeen, the idolator, is the wayward and polytheist nafs, the base self, who made desires its lord and master and began to worship the idols of the world.”

 

When a person is in their early years, the ruh and qalb, the soul and the heart within the heart which is the Station of Recognition of Allah, made a pact with the ego.

 

The terms of it being that the ruh and the qalb will not fight and kill the nafs until the person reaches maturity. Similarly, the nafs also makes a pact not to instigate problems with the ruh and the qalb, which carry the burden of Allah’s Trust and become watchful of Islamic Jurisprudence, the Shari’a, so that the bodily skeleton reaches complete maturity and the physical strength is attained at its peak,

 

In this time, the aql, the intellect, the power to reason and reflect, becomes strong which can then accept the invitation of Truth and have the ability to answer it. It is this aql that allows the recognition of the Prophets and their miracles. And it is through this aql that the proof of the Presence of Allah is established and it understands the compulsion of His Worship in order to express gratitude towards Him for His Blessings.

Indeed, Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him) withdraw from the pact after maturity is gained.

 

Because Man broke the pact which was between the nafs and the ruh and the qalb. Before maturity was gained, the nafs was only focused on eating, drinking and clothing itself so that the body can develop and all its needs are met. To this extent, there was no problem for the ruh and the qalb from the nafs.

 

But once maturity was gained, lust and desires became added to these needs.

 

When the lust appeared along with the need for food and drink, its destruction created physical desires for a mate. When that lust was aroused and started tempting the body, the qalb and the ruh began to become weak. This was the fatal disease for which the Prophets were sent so as to dispel it.

 

انما بعثت لرفع العادات و ترک الشھوات

 

Just like Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his family by The One who named him with Himself),

“I have been sent to end the ways of ignorance and to prevail over the desires of lust.”

 

I noticed how at least two ahadith had appeared in this piece starting with the same words: innama bu’istu – I was sent - first to manifest the excellence and perfection of akhlaq, manners, behaviour, morality, character, as taught by Al Khaliq, Al Bar’i, Al Mussawir, The Only One who creates, gives form and shape.

 

And second to end ignorance and prevail over the desires of the forbidden. Of the mushrik, wayward and polytheist nafs which made desires its lord and master and which it wants to worship as idols of the world.

 

As I read those words again and again, I was reminded of how it directly referenced a verse in the Quran:

 

أَفَرَءَیۡتَ مَنِ ٱتَّخَذَ إِلَـٰهَهُۥ هَوَىٰهُ وَأَضَلَّهُ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ عِلۡمࣲ وَخَتَمَ عَلَىٰ سَمۡعِهِۦ وَقَلۡبِهِۦ

وَجَعَلَ عَلَىٰ بَصَرِهِۦ

غِشَـٰوَةࣰ فَمَن یَهۡدِیهِ مِنۢ بَعۡدِ ٱللَّهِۚ أَفَلَا تَذَكَّرُونَ

 

Have you seen (he) who takes (as) his god his desire and Allah lets him go astray knowingly, and He sets a seal upon his hearing and his heart and puts over his vision a veil?

Then who will guide him from after Allah?

Then will not you receive admonition?

 

Surah Al Jathiya, Verse 23

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Afara’eyta: Have you seen, O One who takes warning by seeing everything, at…

 

Man ittakhada: the one who takes i.e. the Al Jahid, the one not expressing and feeling gratitude, Al Jahil, the ignorant one, Al Mu’anid, stubbornly pursuing one’s own wishes, who makes…

 

Ilaaha-hu hawa-hu: his desire as his god i.e. what he desires and how he obeyed what he hopes for and becomes a servant to what he loves and what pleases him and he did not want to entrust his matters to his Lord and Master.

 

Wa: And this is only because that…

 

Addallahu Allahu: Allah lets him go astray, Al Aleem, The All Knowing, Al Hakeem, The Only Wise One, by the manifestation of His Name, Al Muzzil, The Only One who humiliates the one who deserves to be humiliated, Al Mudill, The Only One who misleads the one who deserves to be mislead, even though, He, Subhanahu, makes him exist…

 

Ala: upon the appearance of the person…

 

Ilm-in: who has knowledge and sets his origin upon the nature of the ones who have Ma’rifa, Recognition of the Divine, and Tauheed, One-ness…

 

Wa khatama ala sami’hi: and sets a seal upon his hearing so that he cannot hear the Words of Al Haqq from the people of Allah…

 

Wa khatama: and He also sealed…

 

Qalbi-hi: his heart so he cannot ponder over the Signs of Allah and the proofs of His Tauheed, One-ness…

 

Wa ja’ala ala basrihi ghishawa: And He puts a veil upon his eyes, thick, and a curtain, heavy so he cannot gain admonition from His Wondrous Creations of Subhanahu and the fantastic inventions along with that He, Subhanahu, created them even though He created him so that he could see them.

 

Fa may yahdihi: Now who will guide him and instruct him i.e. deliver him from being astray…

 

Min ba’di: after the misguidance…

 

Allah: from Allah to him and his humiliation.

 

Afala tadakkaroon: Will you then not receive warning and wisdom and discernment from the changing of his states, O Uqala, O you who use their ability to consider, Al Majboleen, set up in their origin upon the nature of receiving warning and advice from the height of their temptations and waywardness (the ones whose hearing and sight and hearts have been sealed) by the demands of the Perfection of His Authority and the absence of their being awakened and clearheadedness in the One-ness of His Essence and the Perfection of His Names and Attributes and steadfastness in His Plans and His Control.

 

The entire verse would instill fear in any heart. Was there even one amongst the ordinary that wasn’t worshipping those idols of desires?

 

The second time “disease” appeared in the context of the heart, it was revealed that the Quran was the healing for it.

 

What was the disease? Possibilities!

 

وَنُنَزِّلُ مِنَ ٱلۡقُرۡءَانِ مَا هُوَ شِفَاۤءࣱ وَرَحۡمَةࣱ لِّلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ وَلَا یَزِیدُ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِینَ إِلَّا خَسَارࣰا

 

And We reveal from the Quran that it is a healing and a mercy for the believers, but it increases the wrongdoers in nothing except loss.

Surah Al Isra’, Verse 82

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And when you, O Beloved (salutations and greetings upon you and your blessed family by Your Lord who created you for Appearance of His Essence), have become steadfast and have complete command on the Maqam e Mahmood, the Station of Praise and the glorious station of intercession - and when you are triumphant with the Hauz ul Maurood, the spring to which all will come…

 

Wa nunazzilu: and We descend upon you, exalting your honour and aiding your matters (of spreading the Messenge)…

Min al Quran: through the Quran (which you convey), clear, clarifying your elevated ranks from Tauheed, Allah’s One-ness…

 

Ma huwa shifa’un: which is a healing for

1.the disease of the hearts poisoned with possibilities in the narrowness of existence (worldly)

 

2.and (it is a healing) for those who are faced with the limitations of colours (Judaism, Christianity, etc) for the ones granted the ability of the honour of your following…

 

Wa rahmatun: and (it is) a mercy descending…

 

Lil Momi’neen: for the believers who bear witness to your religion and your Book so that they seek instruction and unveil what is in it of symbols and signs according to their capability and capacity, so that they can reflect or be alerted by what is in it of secrets that relate to the walking upon the Path of Tauheed, One-ness.

 

Temptation and seductions of the nafs made the qalb and ruh weak. Those temptations arose from the base self caving to and obsessing over imkaan, possibilities. The nafs thought it could rule both of them. No wonder when they called, it turned away in stubborn arrogance, persistent, insistent upon having its own way. It felt it was in no need of them. In any situation and any circumstance, easy or difficult.

 

 

The Nature of Blessings and Trials

 

Said Nabi Kareem (endless salutations and greetings of Allah upon him and his family who mirror him in perfection):

“Fixed will be the scales on the Day of Judgement for the people of Sala’t, those who established their prayers and Sadaqa, those who gave charity beyond what is obligated and Hajj, the ones who performed the pilgrimage and they will be given their reward for it.

But there will be no scales for the Ahl al Bala, the people who faced afflictions.

Instead poured upon them will be rewards.

Until they will intensely desire, the Ahl al Afiyat, the people who lived life without suffering in this world, wishing that their bodies had been cut with scissors in the world, after they see what the people who faced afflictions will be taking as their rewards.”

 

I had been translating a series of verses about blessings and trials with Qari Sahib to understand them. They appeared again and again in various forms in the Quran. I wanted to know what reaction was expected to them. What both were in their nature. What was the reaction of the nafs to them?

 

One of the verses that became unforgettable was about the fact that blessings were in fact also a trial. I couldn’t get over it. How could the good stuff that brought happiness also be an ibtila – something that causes distress?

 

فَإِذَا مَسَّ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ ضُرࣱّ دَعَانَا ثُمَّ إِذَا خَوَّلۡنَـٰهُ نِعۡمَةࣰ مِّنَّا قَالَ إِنَّمَاۤ أُوتِیتُهُۥ عَلَىٰ عِلۡمِۭۚ

بَلۡ هِیَ فِتۡنَةࣱ وَلَـٰكِنَّ أَكۡثَرَهُمۡ لَا یَعۡلَمُونَ

 

So when touches man adversity, he calls upon Us, then when We bestow on him a favor from Us, he says, “I have been given it, this boon, because of my own knowledge.”

Nay, it is a trial, but most of them do not know.

Surah Zumar, Verse 49

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then pointed Subhanahu towards the instability of Man and the absence of steadfastness upon the intention (being) sincere towards his Lord so He said:

 

Fa ida massa al insaana durrun: so when touches Man harm from Us, painful, unpleasant, then focusing and expressing attachment towards Us…

 

Da’aana: he invokes Us and wants Us to remove from him the harm, upon the way of pleading and suggesting…

 

Summa: then after We lifted from Him his harm…

 

Ida khawwalnahu: when We bestowed him i.e. We granted him and alleviated it…

 

Ni’ma-tan: with a blessing bountiful…

 

Minna: from Us in honour, to test how he is grateful upon the pushing back of the harm and the receiving of the blessing after the removal of the harm…

 

Qala: he said in that moment, upon the way of kufran, ingratitude…

 

Innama uteetahu: I have only been given it (the blessing) from the blessings…

 

Ala ilm-in: due to certain knowledge which I have so I am able to earn the blessing (from other blessings) and collect it and gain from it and take it.

 

Or the other meaning: Whatever I was given and whatever I was bestowed, it is because of my knowledge which I gathered and sought. The knowledge has not come from where I might think it has come (i.e. Allah).

 

This is what he says from what takes him to his delusions upon ingratitude and transgression, although it is proved that his blessings are not in itself blessings…

 

Bal hiya fitna: instead this is a suffering, a trial from Us for him, a test to find out, is he grateful or ungrateful?

 

Wa lakinna aksarahum la ya’maloon: But most of them do not know and do not understand the nature of the trial from Us and it is Our test so that is why they drown in the sea of ungratefulness and transgression.

 

The punishment of that ingratitude was that the blessing became seized.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani

 

إذا كتمتم نعم الله عز وجل و لم تشكروه عليها سلبها منكم

عن النبي صلى الله تعالى عليه وسلم أنه قال :

إذا أنعم الله عز وجل على عبده نعمة أحب أن يرى عليه

 

If you hide the blessings from Allah Azzo Jal and did not express gratitude for it, He will seize it from you.

 

As the Prophet of Allah (salutations and greetings upon him and his family reverberate in the Universe in permanence) said certainly: “When Allah Azzo Jal bestows a blessing upon a servant, He loves that He sees its effect of it upon the person.

 

The seizing did not mean it was literally taken away. That too happened sometimes. What was certain was that the joy, which should have been its natural consequence, one became robbed of it. The rich became misers. That was what was in public display the most. Then eventually the riches also began to decline. Not enough to matter to the 30 next generations but by then the miserliness had also entered the nature of the offspring waiting to be compounded. The curse was inherited.

 

Even worse, another verse revealed why in Lahore every single person of any means, even if it wasn’t much, would incessantly talk about money. If the recipient of the blessing was not acknowledging of The Bestower of it, then the earning of that livelihood would become miserable. All they would do is talk about one thing; that miserable livelihood!

 

وَمَنۡ أَعۡرَضَ عَن ذِكۡرِی فَإِنَّ لَهُۥ مَعِیشَةࣰ ضَنكࣰا وَنَحۡشُرُهُۥ یَوۡمَ ٱلۡقِیَـٰمَةِ أَعۡمَىٰ

 

And whoever turns away from My remembrance, then indeed, for him (is) a life miserable and We will gather him (on the) Day (of) the Resurrection blind."

Surah Taha, Verse 124

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa man a’rada an dikri: And the one who turns away from My Remembrance i.e. My Book which continues to be recited by the tongues of Our Messengers, the Guides (who prevent) from being astray…

 

Fa inna lahu: so indeed it is ordained for him and it is true (for him) as long as he in the abode of this world…

 

Ma’eesha-tan danka: a livelihood miserable, narrow, making his qalb, heart, tight to the extent that there will no longer be in it anything, except the pondering of the matter of livelihood.

 

Wa: And when he dies…

 

Nahshuru yauma al Qiyama: and We shall raise him on the Day of Judgement, the Great Day…

 

A’maa: blind as well i.e. his turning away from Allah Al Haqq in the world will be in the form of being blind in the Hereafter.

I had seen how when life was spinning out of control, especially when disease descended, people whose necks didn’t bend because of their assuredness that they were right in thinking what they thought, were crouching in prostrations, begging for relief.

 

When the affliction was lifted because of their utterances of words from the Quran and sudden bouts of charity, they acted like they had saved themselves. Hearts were hard again, stubborn, arrogant, proud. Everything was forgotten as if it never was.

 

وَإِذَا مَسَّ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ ٱلضُّرُّ دَعَانَا لِجَنۢبِهِۦۤ أَوۡ قَاعِدًا أَوۡ قَاۤىِٕمࣰا فَلَمَّا كَشَفۡنَا عَنۡهُ ضُرَّهُۥ مَرَّ كَأَن لَّمۡ یَدۡعُنَاۤ إِلَىٰ ضُرࣲّ مَّسَّهُۥۚ كَذَٰلِكَ زُیِّنَ لِلۡمُسۡرِفِینَ مَا كَانُوا۟ یَعۡمَلُونَ

 

And when touches the man the affliction he calls Us, (lying) on his side or sitting or standing.

But when We remove from him his affliction, he passes on as if he (had) not called Us for (the) affliction (that) touched him.

Thus (it) is made fair seeming to the transgressors what they used (to) do.

Surah Yunus, Verse 12

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: And from the intensity of their wandering in blindness and oppression…

 

Ida massa: when touches him and comes his way…

 

Al insaana ad-durru: harm towards the human being i.e. what harms him from painful disease and matters creating heartbreak and shock…

 

Da’ana: he invokes Us complaining to Us, suffering about his complaint before Us, pleading…

 

Lijanbihi: on his side, if he does not have the energy to do anything else…

 

Au qaidan au qayiman: or sitting or standing, beseeching, crying, asking for relief…

 

Falamma kashafna anhu durra-hu: so when We removed from him his affliction and made his wish come true, he began to abstain from Us and from Our Commands and he never inclined towards Us at all and he walked from the intensity of his blindness and his ghaflat, forgetfulness..

 

Marra ka-allam ya’d-u’na ila: passing like he never prayed before Us for relief…

 

Durrim massa-hu kadalika: from harm that touched him. This is how i.e. like you heard…

 

Zuyyina: it is beautified i.e. it is made beloved to them and pleasing…

 

Lil Musrifeena: for the transgressors, Al Munhamakeena, the ones drowning in temptation and refusal to be guided…

 

Ma kanu ya’maloon: (it is beautified for them) what they did in wrong deeds in opposition to the Command of Allah and arguing with His Rasool (salutations and greetings upon him and his family) and the Mo’mineen, the believers who obedient to his blessed person and insistence upon that which comes from them from arrogance and stubborn-ness.

 

But afflictions return again and again. That is the nature of life itself. It was all a test:

 

Az Zumar, Verse 49:

 

Minna: from Us in honour, to test how he is grateful upon the pushing back of the harm and the receiving of the blessing after the removal of the harm…

…

Wa lakinna aksarahum la ya’maloon: But most of them do not know and do not understand the nature of the trial from Us and it is Our test so that is why they drown in the sea of ungratefulness and transgression.

 

There was one category of people that I had always seen pass those tests with flying colours. The poor! It was they who had taught me that every gesture, be it of worship or charity had to be accepted. On every pilgrimage, while doing any act of benefit to another, I heard only from them the words; “May Allah accept your visit, your deed, your intention.” You!

 

I took those words for granted my whole life. I assumed everything good I did, all my acts were accepted. It didn’t occur to me that their acceptance was entirely out of my control. In the world, it was always the poor who always taught me the secrets of humility because they practiced it without striving. Their nafs was in alignment with their qalb and batin. As always their prayer for me was better than any other prayer of the ordinary. It could make me of the Maqboleen, the exalted category of “the accepted!”

 

And it was the poor who were the ones with little to nothing when it came to amwaal, possessions. They were the only ones who placed their trust in Allah Al Muttawakkal, The Only One to entrust matters, all of them, all of the time. They didn’t waiver between states. Grateful one moment, ungrateful the other. Reliant one moment, independent the next.

 

Remembering Him one second, forgetting He existed the next.

 

One person who played that out in front of me in particular was Shaan.

 

 

Shaan

 

إِنَّهُۥ لَيْسَ لَهُۥ سُلْطَـٰنٌ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَلَىٰ رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ

 

Indeed, there is for him (Iblis) no authority over those who have believed and rely upon their Lord.

Surah An-Nahl, Verse 99

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Inna hu laysa hu sultan an: Indeed he, Iblis, has no ability to capture and overcome…

 

A’la lladina a’mino: the ones who believe in the One-ness of Allah and have certainty in the truthfulness of Allah’s Books and His Messengers and the Day promised and that which will be given in reward that Day.

 

Wa; And along with this

 

Al’a Rabbi-him: they rely on their Lord and no one else from the sources and means of day to day life and…

 

Yatawakkaluna: they surrender and they entrust all their matters to Him for sure.

 

Shan was the woman I had found in the park in the spring of 2021. The one who identified as male and who I thought was one until the one of the guards told me he was not. In a span reaching two years, I had moved him around 6 residences, including my own. None of them had worked in terms of settling him down.

 

The one that had been the most calming for him was Pathani’s. She was someone from my village who had worked for me for two decades plus and then retired. But she couldn’t keep him forever. He required supervision. Not 24/7 but enough that it would impede her lifestyle.

 

Pathani was the one who had been at my place visiting when Shaan was kicked out of home number 5. Which, incidentally, was also home number 1 and 3. It had been a God-send. I had gotten a call from the person whose house it was and she told me Shaan had to leave within the hour. That I was taken aback was putting it mildly.

 

“I can’t move him in an hour,” I said in shock. “Give me a few days and I will do it.”

 

I didn’t ask any questions as to why or what brought on the sudden decision. I did know that about two weeks earlier, Shaan had kicked a door down. When I had asked him the reason he said that one of the carpenters on the premises had called him Janoo. A term of endearment certainly inappropriate. It had triggered him and he had demolished the door.

 

I had reprimanded him saying that was still no justification to damage the property of someone who had extended the courtesy of allowing him to live there. I think the Autism prevented pretty much all my words from sinking in. I had called the owner then, while he sat in front of me, so he could apologize but she hadn’t picked up. Now she was calling to say he was out.

 

A few minutes later she called back. Her tone had become aggressive.

 

“I cannot wait a few days. I need him out now. It’s your problem, figure it out.”

 

I tried to plead my case gently. That within the hour was not a realistic possibility but when she didn’t listen I lost my temper and ended the conversation with one line.

 

“I will have him out by tomorrow morning. Do not call me back again to say it has to be today.”

 

Pathani came to my room a few minutes later and saw me in a state of distress. She looked at me with concern. She was the only one in the world who took on my problems as hers in the moment they appeared. There’s something to be said about the staff from the village. Their loyalty is deeper than I have experienced in any worldly relationship otherwise; blood, romance, friendship, you name it.

 

When people would say to me why I helped her build a house not once, but twice because she remarried and left the first house to her daughter, I would reply, “If I could I would make her 8 houses.” She was the only one who, when she worked in my house and my brother and I were in our 20s with parties happening every other weekend because we lived alone, I would not let her come up while my friends smoked and drank and danced.

 

I didn’t want her to see them like that, much less me. It was nice, that feeling of haya, modesty, that appeared in the absence of parents who had been the others who invoked it. For my generation at least. The famed X-ers!

 

I told her what had happened. Just then an idea came to my head.

 

“Pathani,” I said hopefully, “Can’t you take Shaan with you to Radhan?”

 

She didn’t answer me for a moment clearly surprised by my request.

 

When she didn’t respond, I moved on to asking why. “Is it because of the boy-girl thing? You’re worried what people will say?”

 

She made me laugh with her answer which is best translated without cursing as, “I could give two hoots about what people think.”

 

“Then…” I said, letting my words linger. “Can’t you take him while I figure out what to do? Just for a couple of weeks?”

 

She told me she would discuss it with her husband and went downstairs. A few minutes later, she agreed. It was supposed to have been three weeks tops. It ended up being three months as I got the run around from others who were offering me rooms for Shaan and then not coming through.

 

I started wondering if it could be a permanent thing. Shaan loved the village. He loved staying with her at her house. And why not? She was gentle, kind, generous and sensitive. But no one keeps anyone forever. People are unable to do it for their own children.

 

Shaan had no one. Except God! That was my sole consolation throughout the months he was in my charge. If there was a matter in which I had relinquished complete control to my Lord, it was this.

 

While living in her house Shaan listened to her and did as he was told. For the most part. Once or twice he apparently flipped his charpoy over. When Pathani would help him remake the bed and ask him why, he would say it was an accident. The only thing that was an issue was when he wanted to stand at the gate. He loved people watching. He would have loved New York!

 

He used to do it at my house twice a day, morning and afternoon. He would walk to the end of the street which was busier. Then he would move his hands around in the air in waves like he was talking to the breeze. All the different kinds as mentioned in the Quran that seemed to come his way. He was the reason I looked up this verse:

 

وَهُوَ ٱلَّذِیۤ أَرۡسَلَ ٱلرِّیَـٰحَ بُشۡرَۢا بَیۡنَ یَدَیۡ رَحۡمَتِهِۦۚ

وَأَنزَلۡنَا مِنَ ٱلسَّمَاۤءِ مَاۤءࣰ طَهُورࣰا

 

And He is the One Who sends the winds (as) glad tidings (from) between the Hands of His Mercy and We send down from the sky water pure.

Surah Al Furqan, Verse 48

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa huwa alladi ar reeyaha bushran: And He is The One who sends the breezes as good news, giving glad tidings…

 

Bayna yadae Rahmatihi: before (the rains that come from) His Mercy, He gives the happy news by His descending…

 

Wa: and after Our Glad Tidings to you in the shape of breezes bringing good news…

 

Anzalna: We sent down from the Station of Our Generosity…

Mina: from…

 

As Sama’i ma’an tahooran: the skies, rain pure, utmost in purity, highest, extreme in its purpose (of purification).

 

In November Shaan finally and reluctantly returned with her to Lahore to move in the last place I would rent, furnish and set up for him. Pathani and I had gone to drop him off there and show him where everything was. I had made sure the kitchen was stocked so that he didn’t have to step out of the house at least till the next afternoon in order to buy anything. I had it organized like I would have for myself.

 

When we were leaving he suddenly said, “Won’t one person spend the night here with me?”

 

I looked at him in surprise. He was so independent, the ask floored me.

 

Seeing my surprise he explained, “Because it’s the first night.”

 

“But there’s only a single bed Shaan,” I said pointing at it. The apartment was like a studio but the kitchen was separate through a door. It was a small place, brand new. “Where would the other person sleep?”

 

I looked over at Pathani and could see the angst in her face. She understood everyone’s pain in the moment they felt it. Shaan slowly nodded then looked at me.

 

“So I might call you all night then. Will you pick up?”

 

“Of course,” I replied truthfully. “I will keep my phone on and right next to me. You can call me all night, whenever you like.”

 

Normally I would turn my phone to Silent around 9ish at home but those first few days I didn’t do that. When 12 days later the landlord called me to say Shaan would have to leave the house, it was Pathani I discussed the next options with. The expulsion was for the usual reasons but they seemed to be getting worse; rude behaviour, threatening manner. He was glaring at neighbors, even pulling out a knife and scaring them.

 

The first option that appeared was a privately run shelter for homeless women and children. The second was a center for the abandoned run by the local government. I was being told that the conditions in the latter were abominable. 200 plus people to dorm-like rooms that were likely filthy. If someone was not compliant with the orders of the staff, they could be beaten. At worst, they would be drugged and left in a state of heavy sedation. Nobody cared if they lived or died.

 

That was where Pathani drew the line.

 

“You can’t send her there,” she said with this equally intense mix of what sounded like a plea and an order. “You can’t send her somewhere people will beat her. You know she doesn’t do things like other people. They will hit her for sure. She won’t listen to them.” She didn’t even get to the other thing about the drugs and sedation. “Better than that, you should set her free.”

 

Azaad kar dein – were the words.

 

“But its cold Pathani,” I replied. “And even if I drop Shaan off on this corner or that neighborhood like he says, the situation in the city is not what it was when I found him. Someone will snatch his phone and anything of value within the hour and then what?”

 

“Still,” she would say insistent, “you can’t send her to the government facility.”

 

In truth, that was just a back-up if Shaan couldn’t settle in the private shelter but the possibility was looming before all of us.

The day before he was supposed to go there he started acting aggressively again. That was the signal, just in time that he would not be able to live there either. For the first time in two years I scrambled to find the contacts of different therapists and psychiatrists. I described the situation and whatever I could summarize about his behaviour.

 

I spoke to three renowned doctors, one of whom was my therapist. All of them said the same thing. He needed medicine and he needed to be in an institution for patients with mental health issues because the ones he was exhibiting were serious.

 

At first my heart sank at the idea of institutionalizing Shaan because such centers didn’t have the best record in terms of patient treatment. But I learnt that one such institute had recently come under the control of private donors and was excellent. When I called them I was told that the requisite for admission was an ID card and a relative. I offered both. They seemed hesitant to accept that in lieu of documentation from the patient but they made an exception. If it was ever warranted Shaan was certainly first in line in terms of deserving it.

 

I was told to send him and they would decide then what they would do. Take him or not!

 

That last night Pathani called him to see how he was feeling. I had been playing bad cop since the landlord called to say he was chucking him out. Pulling a knife on someone was a arrest-able offence. The routine had become necessary to make Shaan understand that he had to control himself. Also he needed to be told what was coming. It had killed me to be curt in my tone with him but there was no option.

 

I had even yelled at him once. That was not pretense. I had actually lost it. That was when the last landlord had called me to say he pulled a knife on the woman who lived above him. Truth be told, she had enraged him first by barging into his house, claiming that he had deliberately locked the gate while her son was out.

 

“Get it together Shaan,” I had screamed when he kept going on and on about he would take care of her. “She’s crazy I know but calm down. She made a mistake. Let it go.”

 

He had only replied in his usual child-like manner. “I’m boycotting you for two weeks also.”

 

I had just sighed.

 

After a sleepless night I went to his place the next morning to apologize. I had a spare set of keys so when he didn’t answer the phone, I decided to take my chances and drop by. The gate was open so I pushed it to enter. He must have heard me because just then I heard his front door open. As I popped my head through the gate, he popped his out the door. We both beamed at each other.

 

“Kya haal hai Shaan?” I had said. How are you?

 

“Fine Ma’am,” he had replied warmly. “Come!” He had always loved visitors.

 

I walked towards him holding my hand out as a gesture of contrition. “I came to say sorry to you. I never spoke to you like that before and I’m really sorry I did yesterday.”

 

He tried to cut me off. “No, no,” he said. “Please. I’m sorry Ma’am. I don’t know what happened to me.”

 

Shaan had checked boxes of all kinds of mental illnesses and psychosis. He was autistic. He saw people who weren’t there. He gave gibberish answers to every question that was serious. He clearly had intense trauma from assault, whether it was sexual or violent, I don’t know. His anger was out of his control entirely. He certainly couldn’t hold a job.

 

Yet he never harmed me. Ever. Emotionally or otherwise.

 

Precisely for that reason I had never been able to see the acuteness of his mental health problems and likely become an enabler. He had always been polite to me and even though he might have been manipulative at times, seeing that I would do anything for him, he didn’t really try to take advantage of me. He was never cruel. He was never greedy. He had zero attachment to money.

 

Meanwhile all the other people in my life in all kinds of roles, even though they likely had mental health issues as well and possibly faced extraordinary trauma, none of them had been homeless for a single day, much less three years. I’ve barely seen women as homeless people in the West much less Pakistan. Almost every other person I knew had taken my role in their lives, even when it was the most sincere, for granted and most of them had returned the feeling with viciousness in one form or another. Indifference being the worst!

 

It used to make me feel bad. I used to feel surprised by its recurrence knowing there was a lesson somewhere that was eluding me. I was about to learn that lesson which was going to the most essential in my spiritual journey. A journey that had in fact become stunted and I didn’t even know it. Writing pages upon pages and translating verse after verse. I wasn’t even aware that all that gathering of knowledge had yielded nothing.

 

“I will go to the hospital tomorrow,” Shaan said to Pathani when she called to ask him how he was feeling. “If they don’t take me, then I will go the neighborhood where I grew up and try to find a place there. Whatever is in my taqdeer,” he had said the word to her, Fate decreed! “I don’t know what is written but whatever it is, I will accept it.”

 

In that state of undeniable anxiousness of the entirely unknown, he was in a state of absolute surrender. There was not even a hint of any ae’taraz.

 

Shaan was the Mo’min I wanted to be!

 

قُل لَّن یُصِیبَنَاۤ إِلَّا مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَنَا هُوَ مَوۡلَىٰنَاۚ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلۡیَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ

 

Say, "Never will befall us except what has decreed Allah for us, He (is) our Protector."

And on Allah the believers put (their) trust.

 

Surah At Taubah, Verse 51

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Qul: Say, O Akmal ar Rusul, O Messenger who perfects the Messenger-hood (Allah sends greetings and salutations upon you and your exalted family), (say) to those who find their pleasure in, God forbid, mocking you, who are hypocrites, (say to them) according to your unveiling and your witnessing…

 

Layyuseebana: no adversity will ever come to us from traumas…

 

Illa ma kataballah: except that which Allah has written, Al Muqaddir, The One who has the power to destine death and sustenance and all other deeds and states and all the continuous occurring in the Realm of the Unseen as well as the Realm of the Witnessing, i.e. the world…

 

Lana: for us and Allah chose for us from His Ever Present Knowledge because…

 

Huwa: He Himself is…

 

Maulana: alone our Protector and Controller of all our matters that He does to us, according to what He has confirmed in His Ever present Knowledge, without exchange and without amendment.

 

Wa: And there is no option for us except Raza, being pleased with that which happened to us and that which is happening and will happen from what He has fated for us so that’s…

 

Alallahi: in Allah Subhanahu and no one else except Him in all causes and means because everything is returning towards Him, just as their origin initially itself is also from Him…

 

Falyatawakkalil Mo’minoon: so the believers should place their trust in Allah’s One-ness and the extension of the Secrets of His One-ness upon the sheets of all His Creation.

 

Shaan played it out perfectly: “There is no option for the believer except to be pleased with that which happened, is happening, will happen.”

 

I had never seen Shaan pray. I had never seen him do any tasbeeh. But his consciousness of Subhanahu was acute because he was in a state of eternal gratitude. I saw that gratitude in reference to my own person to such an extent, I could only imagine what it was for The Divine. It was why he was never forgotten by Him.

 

‏فَٱذْكُرُونِىٓ أَذْكُرْكُمْ وَٱشْكُرُوا۟ لِى وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ ‎

 

So remember Me, I will remember you

and be grateful to Me and do not be ungrateful to Me.

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 152

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And when We have bestowed upon you the greatest blessings, (كَمَاۤ أَرۡسَلۡنَا فِیكُمۡ رَسُولࣰا مِّنكُمۡ یَتۡلُوا۟ عَلَیۡكُمۡ ءَایَـٰتِنَا وَیُزَكِّیكُمۡ وَیُعَلِّمُكُمُ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبَ وَٱلۡحِكۡمَةَ وَیُعَلِّمُكُم مَّا لَمۡ تَكُونُوا۟ تَعۡلَمُونَ , as We sent among you a Messenger from you (who) recites to you Our verses and purifies you and teaches you the Book and the wisdom and teaches you what not you were knowing - Al Baqarah, Verse 151, through the person of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him and his family)) and perfected them for you…

 

Fadkuruni: so Remember Me, O Mo’mineen, Believers, with an

everlasting inclination and a truthful turning towards Me…

 

Adkurkum: I will remember you by giving you a life full of mercy and the breezes of spirituality (nourshing the soul)…

 

Washkuru li: and be grateful to Me referring all your blessings towards Me…

 

Wa la takfiroon: and don’t be ungrateful to Me by referring these blessings to (other) causes and means.

 

My friend Saneeah, who was my go-to person for advice when it came to him, had remarked once. “I am amazed that every single time you call me with some incident of how things have completely blown up with Shaan, within hours another avenue appears for him.”

 

The next day he went to the facility. They admitted him. Pathani and I finally slept. Allah Subhanahu was kind to him just like He had always been especially kind to me. Despite that I had been the worst of transgressors, the Musrifeen, for I was certainly of those who, for the life of me, with all that intense reflection, did not know when someone in the world was good for me and when they were not.

 

وَهُوَ كُرۡهࣱ لَّكُمۡۖ

وَعَسَىٰۤ أَن تَكۡرَهُوا۟ شَیۡءࣰا وَهُوَ خَیۡرࣱ لَّكُمۡۖ

وَعَسَىٰۤ أَن تُحِبُّوا۟ شَیۡءࣰا وَهُوَ شَرࣱّ لَّكُمۡۗ

وَٱللَّهُ یَعۡلَمُ وَأَنتُمۡ لَا تَعۡلَمُونَ

 

But perhaps that you dislike a thing and it is good for you

and perhaps that you love a thing and it is bad for you.

And Allah knows while you (do) not know.

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 216

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa huwa kurhun: And it is hateful to you, disliked, abrasive…

 

Lakum: for you as long as this is in your selfishness and your identity and as long as you are in it with the increase and compulsions of possibilities…

 

Wa asa an takrahu shayan: perhaps that you dislike a thing in this world…

 

Wa huwa khairullakum: and it is good for you in the Hereafter…

 

Wa asa an tuhibbu shayan: and perhaps that you like something in this world…

 

Wa huwa sharralakum: and it is bad for you in the Hereafter.

 

Wallahu: And Allah is Al Hadi, The Only Guide, for you towards the same way…

 

Ya’lamu: He knows your goodness and your badness in it and the association of others with Him and He takes care of you from it…

 

Wa antum: and you all by your personality…

 

La talamoon: do not know a thing from goodness and badness but instead for you is obedience and following according to what is commanded and what is forbidden and all knowledge is with Allah Al Aziz, The Dominant, Al Aleem, The All Knowing.

 

Again imkaan: “The increase and compulsion of possibilities…”

 

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