mustard leaves everywhere

Continued from: flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/51724658100/in/dateposted-...

 

And overall: He, himself, is a witness upon his own denial and ungratefulness and his shirk, the association of others with Allah and his oppression, until the time that effect of his transgressions appear upon his self.”

 

On my way to Lahore my driver who was now leaving spent the hours spilling beans on other staff while I sat in the car dumbfounded. When I returned, I didn’t say a word to the guilty parties. I changed some things around, they reacted with guilt. I ignored it. Working somewhere or not was entirely someone’s prerogative. As difficult as my life might be for a little when a trained person left, anyone new could be taught anything. It wasn’t rocket science! Inside the house was harder than outside but far from impossible.

 

Still, I was amazed anger had not risen in me yet. Or even disappointment. The person in question had worked for my mother when I was a child and for me for the last several years. I thanked God for that absence in my prayers. Then the next day I spent too much time thinking of what I wanted to say and when was the appropriate timing for it. So much time that I knew a whispering had entered my breast and my nafs had taken flight with it.

 

On the third day back in the morning I received an email from a friend’s husband in Scotland and in it was hadith below something he had painted.

 

عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ عَنْ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ

يَسِّرُوا وَلَا تُعَسِّرُوا وَبَشِّرُوا وَلَا تُنَفِّرُوا

 

The Prophet of Allah (peace be upon him) said,

“Make things easy for people and don’t make them difficult for them. Give them happiness and don’t give them cause to turn away.”

 

And that was it! I thought about the Friends of God who were given that status because they were bestowed a gaze; the gaze of The Beloved (peace be upon him) in their following of him that was perfect. The hadith lifted my heart. I hadn’t had the conversation with the staff yet.

 

It also made me think of my “loved ones” who were nowhere to be found. If I were to be truthful I knew this much. That when they did appear I wanted them to feel humiliation. It wasn’t in revenge for the humiliation they made me feel but everything that came to my mind that I wanted to say was, ultimately, harsh, even if spoken softly, gravely, thoughtfully. It was a layer of deception upon a layer of deception.

 

The morning I read the hadith I played table tennis in the park for the first time after the village. The weather was glorious although a tad windy. Still, the game was spectacular. My coach and I always played a best of seven in the end. On my best days, I got a game off him. On this day, I beat him 4-3. I was literally jumping up and down on the court while he made jokes that he was the butt of.

 

While walking to the car I mentioned the whole staff debacle to Shaan. I worded my words super carefully, knowing extremely well from past experience that the moment I uttered a negative word, I would lose him. I came at him from all angles. I was pleasant in my tone, that part was natural, because I wasn’t angry as such. Mostly still in a state of surprise. Each time Shaan said the same thing back to me.

 

“It’s not a big deal, Ma’am.” I hated that he was still calling me that. “They all work hard. They get tired. I will try to be a good kid and make things easier for them.”

 

It wasn’t even about him! I tried to tell him that but that’s all he seemed to focus on. And I realized what was happening. I told him someone was acting like a nut, spinning out of control with their tongue and his response was that if there was a way for him to make their life easier, he would attempt it.

 

Shaan played out the hadith in three minutes, the one I was swooning over a couple of hours earlier and entirely unable to put any of which into practice. That disconnect between what appeals to my heart and my incapability to actually do it stuns me.

 

It was reiterated for me how Shaan was a gift for my heart, one that I will never know what I did to deserve. He shows and speaks and does what I read and listen and write about. I guess the Powers that be of the Universe decided it was the only way something might actually penetrate my being. I had to see it.

 

Through my New Yorkers in the village, I had been seeing the appearances of patterns in the new generations. Most prominently I was reading about Gen Z through their eyes. The peculiarities were fascinating. For instance and I quote from the section Talk of the Town:

 

“Gen Z considers emojis to be millennial.

 

Periods (full-stops in the East) in a text are microaggressions.

 

In the ever increasing spectrum of sexuality are now “skoliosexuals.” (I didn’t have time to Google that.)

 

One in six Gen Z adults now identifies as L.G.B.T.

 

Almost everyone in a high school cast on HBO is queer. (But I remember that started with Glee a decade ago).

 

Gen Z don’t want to be pigeon holed or categorized but they also want to be labeled and identified correctly.”

 

Hmmmmm.

 

“In their generation, there is an increasing prevalence of what is called ‘main character syndrome,’ in which teens behave in a way which causes their peers to say, ‘You’re not the main character.’”

 

Ok, so at least we establish, everyone’s, in some way or another, on a show in their head!

 

I wondered what that meant for Gen-Zers in the context of the hadith that made me think about my niece even more than I did otherwise;

 

''Learning something during one's youth is like engraving in stone,

and learning something when one is old is like writing on the surface of water.’’

 

There was also nothing that was going to be illegal as far as drugs. Which was surprising given that if one was a moderate user of weed in the 90’s, the drinkers of alcohol looked at them like there were addicts. Now they all wanted a Marijuana-laced gummy bear. They also considered treating their neurosis with LSD and Magic Mushrooms. Two states had decriminalized the possession of heroin in small quantities.

 

I had always wondered how that happened, why that happened. Why things were one way forever and suddenly they were the opposite. I learnt the reason of all places from a piece on Mike Nichols, “Who was Mike Nichols when he wasn’t playing Mike Nichols?” I had been watching on show after show on HBO and movies in general how full front male nudity had become totally mainstreamed and it was bewildering.

 

“In 1930 the Motion Picture Production Code was adopted as a system of self-regulation. Apparently it was revised every decade but lagged far behind what the article called “educated taste,” mostly coming from French Cinema which was “more racier and more explicit.”

 

In 1962 Nichols was offered the job of directing Edward Albee’s play “Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf?” The problem was “some of the language – screw, monkey-nipples, hump the hostess – and so on were Code-averse. Luckily for Warner Bros., Jack Valenti had just become the president of the Motion Picture Association of America, and was determined to replace the Code.

 

So when the Production Code Administration voted to deny approval to “Virginia Woolf,” the M.P.A.A. overruled it…Jackie Kennedy persuaded the National Catholic Office for Motion Pictures to “bless” the movie by invoking her husband and how much he would have enjoyed it. Two years later the Production Code was replaced by the ratings system.”

 

In my decades of perusing the news I had never before come across anything that spoke to why we had landed where we were today. And there it was, all the changes that altered, no completely redefined, the platform came down to one rich person here and one powerful person there. The same story every time everywhere!

 

Marriage, aside from who the partners were, was a dying institution on top of being railed as a “failed” one because it was becoming unrecognizable. For me, as a single person who doesn’t care about who is allowed it or not, the problem emerged with the subversive introduction, again in programming and movies, around the concept of fidelity.

 

The language changed from polyamory to what I came across just recently: ethical non-monogamy and was covered by parading the “success” stories of 3-4 couples on everything from Cosmopolitan to the BBC. First the kids were being told they should sleep with everything that moves and think nothing of it. Then if they did find someone they loved or wanted to love, they would need to create a WhatsApp group for that too.

 

The Pope had recently said, following the resignation of a Paris archbishop, who quit over a relationship with a woman earlier this month, “Sins of the flesh are not the most serious.” He meant that pride and hate were worse. Mainstream media went with the lines they wanted to push the agenda they sought.

 

At which point I had to include in this piece a verse I had no intention of adding:

 

ٱلَّذِينَ يَتَّبِعُونَ ٱلرَّسُولَ ٱلنَّبِىَّ ٱلْأُمِّىَّ

ٱلَّذِى يَجِدُونَهُۥ مَكْتُوبًا عِندَهُمْ فِى ٱلتَّوْرَىٰةِ وَٱلْإِنجِيلِ يَأْمُرُهُم بِٱلْمَعْرُوفِ

وَيَنْهَىٰهُمْ عَنِ ٱلْمُنكَرِ وَيُحِلُّ لَهُمُ ٱلطَّيِّبَـٰتِ

وَيُحَرِّمُ عَلَيْهِمُ ٱلْخَبَـٰٓئِثَ وَيَضَعُ عَنْهُمْ إِصْرَهُمْ وَٱلْأَغْلَـٰلَ ٱلَّتِى كَانَتْ عَلَيْهِمْ ۚ

فَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ بِهِۦ وَعَزَّرُوهُ وَنَصَرُوهُ وَٱتَّبَعُوا۟ ٱلنُّورَ ٱلَّذِىٓ أُنزِلَ مَعَهُۥٓ ۙ أُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلْمُفْلِحُونَ

 

Those who follow the Messenger, the Ummiyy Prophet (peace be upon him) whom they find written with them in the Torah and the Injīl ,

and who bids them what is fair and forbids what is unfair,

and makes lawful for them good things,

and makes unlawful for them impure things,

and relieves them of their burden, and of the shackles that were upon them.

So, those who believe in him and support him, and help him and follow the light sent down with him, - those are the ones who are successful.

Surah Al Ara-zaf, Verse 157

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wahum: And they are…

 

Alladina yatti’buna As Rasool: the ones who follow the Messenger (peace be upon him), the one who was sent with the Essence of One-ness (Al Mursil bi Tauheed)…

 

An Nabiyya: the Prophet, Al Mutammim li mukarim il akhlaq, the one who was sent to complete the nobleness of manners (upon Allah’s Akhlaq, His Attributes)…

 

Al Ummiya: the one who is Al Muttahaqiq, the one who was made inevitable, Al Makhsoos, the who was made uniquely special with Ilm il Luduni, the Divine Knowledge, which was taught to him from his Lord without acquisition (from other means), without effort, without any formal training from any teacher, and he is…

 

Alladi yajidoonahu: who they find in all of the books of the faiths…

 

Maktooban: written about in those books, about his being sent and his religion and his name and his appearance and all of his attributes…

 

Ayndahum fi Torat wal Ineel: in the Torat and in the Injeel, Bible, that when he will announce his Prophet-hood…

 

Ya’monohum bil ma’roof and yanhahum ayn al munkir ya yahillu lahum tayyebaat: who bids them what is fair and forbids what is unfair, and makes lawful for them the good things, which they forbid upon their own selves…

 

Wa yuharrimu alaihum: and makes unlawful for them impure things, which they made lawful for themselves…

 

Wa aidan: And also…

 

Yada’u anhum israhum: relieves them of their loads i.e. the burdens which they carry by leaving the world and detaching from it, which was more than their strength to bear, just like they cut their bodily parts by which they sinned and just like they cut the cloth they wore if it became soiled and other than this…

 

Wa; he also made them free…

 

Al aghlaal: of their shackles i.e. the painful difficulties…

 

Allati kanat alaihim falladina aamino bihi: which came upon them. So those who believed in him, (the Messenger peace be upon him), when he was sent and gave his invitation (towards the One-ness of Allah)…

 

Wa azzaruhu: and they honoured him in the way that he was deserving of honour and glorification…

 

Wa nasaruhu: and they helped him, supporting him in his religion…

 

Wstaba’u an Noor: and they followed The Light, which is the Quran…

 

Alladi unzila ma’hu: which is sent with him from Allah to help him and to testify…

 

Ulaika: these are the ones who are the fortunate and radiant and accepted by Allah. They are the Al Muwwafiqoon, the ones given the ability to follow him.

 

Humul muflihoon: It is they who are the successful ones i.e. Al Muqassaroon, the ones who are confined by Him in success and triumph with victory.

 

It wasn’t a surprise why Gen Z was not interested in relationships or marriage. It sounded like a nightmare. And it wasn’t just in the West. Even in China that was trying to be the exact opposite in every single way to the US faced the same issue. Young Chinese were deciding at an early age not to marry and it wasn’t in small numbers:

 

Insider, October 11th, 2021; “That's according to a new survey of China's young urban population conducted by a wing of China's Communist Youth League. The survey polled 2,905 unmarried youths living in Chinese cities between the ages of 18 and 26. It found that 44% of its female respondents did not intend to get married, with a sizeable 25% of the survey's male respondents saying the same.

 

As for why these Chinese Gen Z-ers don't want to get hitched, 34.5% of those surveyed cited "not having the time or energy to get married." Meanwhile, 60.8% of the Chinese Gen Z-ers polled said they found it "difficult to find the right person.

Participants mentioned several other reasons for not getting married, including the financial cost of marriage and the economic burden of having children. A third of the respondents also said they did not believe in marriage, and a similar percentage said they had never been in love.”

 

No wonder every time they were surveyed on the idea of having a robot as a life companion they responded, “I would definitely consider it.” Who wouldn’t? On top of that the rapid emergence of virtual reality, the hard pusher of which was the fountainhead of evil, Meta previously Facebook, was going to end up in self-isolation for entire generations on a whole new level.

 

I had just started noticing the difference that isolation makes to a human being’s nature. I had cousins and friends who were always homebound. There was a time I was impressed by it because it kept them safe from so much wrong. But once they hit their 40s, I noticed how it was also making them aggressive or deeply unhappy and bitter. They were looping would-be scenarios in their heads all day or playing back the sadness of the past and it showed on their faces. They were either gray or stern.

 

Then when they emerged from that self-entrapping bubble with something as simple as a sport or daily physical exercise, a weekly visit to someone’s house, and stuck to it for just a month, their faces brightened. They were happy, they smiled and spoke about things other than themselves. They were different!

 

I had been wondering on and off in the village about the verses in the Quran I had translated from about the nature of Man; we were impulsive, hasty, ungrateful, oppressive, transgressors, weak, despairing, contentious with God, miserly.

 

It would make me sad, even dejected. But I was forgetting the lines that made us the Best of Creation:

 

‏لَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا ٱلْإِنسَنَ فِىٓ أَحْسَنِ تَقْوِيمٍۢ ‎

 

And We created Man in the best mould

Surah Teen, Verse 4

 

And after Allah takes oaths all great, He says…

 

Laqad khalaqnal insaana: Indeed, We created all Mankind…

 

Fi ahsan e taqweem: in the best form and the most balanced proportions because no other Creation is created more perfectly in form than them and they are perfectly formed in terms of their zahir, overt and batin, inner being. For this reason, We chose Man for our Vice-Regency from amongst all of Our Creation.

 

‏ثُمَّ رَدَدْنَهُ أَسْفَلَ سَفِلِينَ ‎

 

Then We returned him to the lowest of the low,

Surah Teen, Verse 5

 

Summa: Then after this We willed differently, because of his wicked deeds…

 

Radadnahu: and returned him to the lowest of the low and we displaced him from that highest rank and that highest honour…

 

Asfala safeleen: to the lowest of the low and this is the set-up of the world, which causes them to to enter the valleys of fire and which is their chain of desires and which is their shackle of endless hopes.

 

‏إِلَّا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّلِحَتِ فَلَهُمْ أَجْرٌ غَيْرُ مَمْنُونٍۢ ‎

 

Except those who believe and do righteous deeds, then for them is a reward never ending.

Surah Teen, Verse 5

 

Illaladina amino: Except for the ones who are certain of the One-ness of God…

 

Wa amilo salihaat: and do righteous deeds that are deeply sincere, free from all the entrapments of the world. Deeds that will bring them close to Allah’s Essence.

 

Qari Sahib emphasized that freedom from entrapments.

 

“It means that whatever you do, nothing and no one in the world can figure into your intention behind it. It has to be only and only about Allah, for Allah. That is the meaning of sincere.”

 

He was echoing Ghaus Pak:

 

“O you who seeks ilm, knowledge! Without amal, deed, there is no trust upon your knowledge and without ikhlaas, sincerity, there is no trust upon your deed. For it is like a body without a soul.

 

The symbol of your sincerity is that you don’t turn your attention towards people when they praise you nor when they are critical of you and and the symbol of your sincerity is that you don’t turn your attention towards people or the wealth that is in their hands.”

 

Fa lahum: So for them, after that when they reach (again) the highest ranks towards the Alim e Lahoot, the Realm of Allah…

 

Ajrun ghairu mamnoon: are endless blessings that will never finish and nor will Allah mention His Favour ever for giving them.

 

Here Qari Sahib pointed out that of the four types of rewards, ajr, the highest is ajrun ghairu mamnoon because it is the one that is bestowed to His Beloved (peace be upon him). And his followers receive it just for following him.

 

‏وَإِنَّ لَكَ لَأَجْرًا غَيْرَ مَمْنُونٍۢ ‎

 

And indeed, for you, O Beloved (peace be upon you), is surely a reward without end.

Surah Al Qalam, Verse 3

 

Then the day I finished this piece, I read a verse in the Quran which explained the order of things that I always lose sight of. So often the verses about evil and Allah’s Control over each and every thing create the impression that we are therefore faultless and should not be liable. But then I had already studied it. I had even titled it:

 

“The Wickedness and Goodness in Us.”

 

‏وَنَفْسٍۢ وَمَا سَوَّىٰهَا ‎

 

Consider the human spirit and who perfected it.

Surah Ash Shams, Verse 7

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Wa nafsin: Allah takes an oath upon the spirit that receives nourishment from His Names and Attributes, which is revealed in all forms which are named (by Him). The spirit comes into the organs (in these bodies), both higher (the angels) and lower (Mankind but not Jinn) so that everything can gain benefit from the remembrance of their origin and their true purpose of existence.

 

Wa ma sawaaha: And He takes an oath on Himself who made this spirit, meaning He made it moderate and created it as a compound fitted with the influences of the higher (heavenly) and the lower (earthly) elements.

 

فَأَلْهَمَهَا فُجُورَهَا وَتَقْوَىٰهَا

‏قَدْ أَفْلَحَ مَن زَكَّىٰهَا ‎

‏وَقَدْ خَابَ مَن دَسَّىٰهَا ‎

 

And He inspired it (to distinguish) its wickedness and its righteousness.

Indeed, he succeeds who purifies it,

And indeed, he fails who buries it (in darkness).

Surah Ash Shams, Verse 8-10

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Fa alhamaha fujuraha wa taqwaha: So He inspired it (the nafs) to both, wickedness and mindfulness, according to that which is placed in it from the forces of heavens as well as of the Earth. Then He burdened it according to what it can bear so that the one who is truthful can be differentiated from the one who is false, and the astray from the guided, and the denier of Truth from the believer, completing the wisdom, which is rooted in certainty, which reaches the Essence of Allah and which reflects the Dominance of His Power.

 

Qad aflaha man zakkaha: Indeed he was successful and prosperous due to the success He prospered by receiving from Allah the highest ranks…

 

Man zakkaha: the one who cleansed his nafs from the vileness of the world and from the possibilities of the demands of its desires and its lusts.

 

Wa qad khaba: And he was in a loss and ruined himself…

 

Man dassaha: the one who prevented the nafs from reaching its higher level (from Ammara, corrupt to Mutma’inna, content) and made it wayward. He did this by persuading it to be disobedient and sinful, which was done due to the demands of its base nature, its lustful desires and the wickedness of the world. This persuasion is what makes it deserving of different kinds of losses and deprivation and humiliation.

 

Humiliation!

 

My coach seems manic. Shaan is on the spectrum. He’s likely an Aspie, a friend of mine who works with autistic kids told me. I thought it was interesting that two people were front and center in my life who were like that: so specific. One morning my coach was obliterating me in the game when Shaan strolled by. He asked the score.

 

“Almost 4-0,” I said with a grin. “But we have a winner-takes-all.” I looked at my teacher hopefully.

 

“We always have that,” he smiled.

 

Just as we were about to start that last game, I heard the call to prayer. I looked at Shaan and said, “Should we stop play?”

 

He smiled and shrugged. “It’s your choice.” Aap ki marzi hai.

 

I had seen him stop playing with his football in the park once, holding the ball in his hand, so I had walked over to ask what happened.

 

He had just pointed his finger at the sky.

 

“It’s the Azaan.”

 

Later I asked him why he didn’t play because of it.

 

“We only do one thing when the Azaan comes,” I said to him. We being the ones with some money. “No listening to music. That’s it! So do you do that out of adab, respect, not play?”

 

He just looked at me and said, “It’s the Azaan. And it was the Friday prayer,” with emphasis as if it made the answer obviously clear.

 

So on that day I said to my coach, “Sir lets pause play till the end of the Azaan.”

 

He agreed. Then I beat him and won the all of the day’s play. It was exhilarating. When we walked to the benches to get our stuff, I said to him, “I can’t believe I won that game sir.”

 

He looked over at me and said, “It’s the blessing you received because you showed respect for the Azaan.”

 

Qari Sahib asked our group class recently what came first. Ilm, knowledge or adab, manners? I was sure it was adab. Without manners nothing seemed to be bestowed to anyone. I raised my hand and answered.

 

“No,” he said. “Ilm comes first. The seeking of knowledge, the attaining of it.”

 

Then he recited the first four verses of Surah Rahman.

 

‏ٱلرَّحْمَنُ ‎

‏عَلَّمَ ٱلْقُرْءَانَ ‎

‏خَلَقَ ٱلْإِنسَنَ ‎

‏عَلَّمَهُ ٱلْبَيَانَ ‎

 

The Most Merciful,

He taught the Quran.

He created Man.

He then taught him speech.

Surah Ar Rahman, Verses 1-4

 

“First Allah bestowed the knowledge, then He says He created Man. That is the order.”

 

It was clear that the verses were specific to Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him), the first creation. Al Insaan, the man. I had yet to receive the lecture from Qari Sahib on his hadith, as explained by Hazrat Muhyuddin Ibn e Arabi, that expounded on that, “I am the Noor, the light, the Qalam, the pen and the Aql, the power to reflect.”

 

All three!

 

My favourite passage from Al Fath Ar Rabbano this year was the following story. So much so that it was in my speech at the launch of the tables in the Park. I was besotted by it. The short-cut: how to gain Allah’s Pleasure, previously definitely out of reach, was like finding that one drop of rain that becomes a pearl!

 

“An incident goes that the people of Bani Israel once were faced with a suffering. They gathered and went to the Prophet of their time. ‘What can we do, O Nabi (as)?’ they asked him.

 

“What is the deed that will please Allah and it becomes the means to deliver us from our hardship?”

 

The Prophet (as) prayed to Allah to unveil to him what that deed would be.

 

Allah Subhan a Ta’ala revealed to his Prophet (as), “Tell them! If you seek My Pleasure, become a cause to bring happiness to the needy. Thus if you bring ease to them, in their happiness I will become pleased with you. And if you displease them, I will remain displeased with you.”

 

When I read that story for the 100th time, I understood the gift of Shaan. Throughout my life, which really only counted for the last ten years that I was made mindful of my soul, in my deeds which were at least sincere in terms of the intent to please my Lord, the pleasure I sought was in fact always momentary. Yet I was content with that.

 

The rations I distributed brought a smile to someone’s face pleasing them no doubt, but it was a moment and I was almost always never there for those. My driver was. The food I distributed daily, it made people happy but again it was a moment and again I was never there. My driver was. I had no personal involvement beyond doling out the money, suggesting the food items, the neighborhoods. I was always sitting at home. If I had gone, I would have ended up just sitting in a car anyway so I didn’t. Yet I was content with my deeds.

 

Shaan made me realize that maybe Allah or Nabi Kareem (saw) or Ghaus Pak (ra) or Hazrat Pir Sakhi Turad Murad Shah (ra) or my Spiritual Master and all the Masters who I deeply revered were pointing something out to me; Seeking the Pleasure of Allah is not for x minutes a day every day, like a rote exercise. It’s not like the prayer you utter thinking about other things. It’s sought all day and all night. Like breath! It is what one lives for. It’s not what one does, it’s what one becomes; an existence seeking Divine Pleasure.

 

Since I took Shaan under my wing, I was aware of him throughout my day. In my actions and in my prayers, whether I was in Lahore or out of it. But he was not blood. He was not a friend. He was simply a human being that was sent into my life to care for. Shaan was the means for me to reach Allah’s Pleasure in every moment.

 

I heard in a lecture of Uzair’s weeks ago something about all of our relationships in this world.

 

“So one thinks, I get along with some people, I don’t get along with others. Remember that the root of that discord is a single element, the ego. The rule is that whenever there is animosity between two souls or any groups of souls, feeling anger or hate or mistrust or suspicion, the reason behind it is the ego, which creates fire in the relationship. And conversely, when the relationship between two souls is loving, nur, light, emanates from it. So why is it light between some and fire between others?

 

Hazrat Ayesha Siddiqua (ratu) asked Huzoor once, ‘Why is it that sometimes with people I have known all my life, we are estranged with each other while with others, who I have not known as long at all, I feel like we have known each other forever?’

 

And you see some people even parents and children and spouses married forever, seem like they are stranger to each other.

 

Huzoor (saw) replied, ‘The reason is that when the souls were gathered on Youm e Alast, the Day when all the souls created were gathered and Allah had them wait for His Vision, the souls in that waiting which lasted years, started roaming around. The soul does not have an ego so in that wandering, whichever soul came across another, love was formed between them because of that meeting.’

 

That is why the relationship between the disciple and the Spiritual Master is always of love from the beginning. They will never feel estranged. There will never be ego between them. They met on that Day even though they might not have met their siblings or parents or children.

 

Then Huzoor continues, ‘And the souls that could not meet there, they come into the world and even though they might live side by side forever, they are estranged.’”

 

I decided not to say anything to my staff about what I had learnt behind their backs. Let things play out the way they are meant to be played out for I did not possess the ability to do so without giving them bad news and repelling them. But it wasn’t that easy. The person in question was spiraling out of control. My tongue was silent but my nafs was matching their madness after madness. I would pendulum between anger and some pretense of patience. Shaitan inserted and re-inserted the same seed and vanished, triggering in me a false sense of dignity.

 

Night after night when I woke for the prayer before the morning prayer, the one favoured by Allah because it was supposedly only Him and me alone, my worship was executed in a state of daze. The strangest, most inane, thoughts circled in my head and I felt like I wasn’t even on standing on the prayer mat, just floating on my nafs above it. I felt so ashamed I couldn’t even cry.

 

On the fourth morning, I sat in my bed torturing myself for a full hour until I realized, if I continued like this I wouldn’t be able to pray ever. I looked at my bedside and the collection of books on it. On top was Al Fath Ar Rabbani. I pulled out my pen to take notes, went to my bookmark and this is what I came upon:

 

“Stay away from all of them (nafs, the base self, duniya, the world, al hawa the desires, tab’a, nature (of Man) and aqran assu’, corrupting companions) for all of them are your enemies. And there is no one who is your Muhib, your True Friend, except Allah Azzo Jal.

 

He loves you for your self and others love you for their own sake. When you lose your nafs in the state of your khalwat, state of seclusion, and wish it to be in the company of the Talibeen, the Friends of God, then at this point your seclusion becomes filled with the love of Allah Azzo Jal.”

 

I felt amazed. My nafs was front and center, parading through my state of seclusion. Then Ghaus Pak (ra) stated the other way for seclusion to be filled with Divine Love.

 

“When you can leave your nafs with the world and your qalb with the Afterlife and your Sirr, the inner being, with your Maula, Allah, at this point will your seclusion become in love with Allah.

 

And in the presence of your nafs or the presence of other nafoos, others, your seclusion is not true seclusion.

 

Seclusion with Allah is when it is with Him without all others. You will find Him after you finally hold bughz, intense dislike (in your heart), towards others. When will you purify yourself so that you will see The Purity and The Pure One? When will you become truthful so that you see The Truth and The True One? When will you attain ikhlas, sincerity, so that you can see the Door of Allah Azzo Jal and Allah Himself?”

 

I paused throughout the reading feeling stunned. It brought into focus what the dilemma had made me, turned me into, in a matter of days. The person in my staff was doing a few things, one of which was pilfering. That had forced me to take the money of their hands and place it into my own. Which meant there was adding and subtracting and worst of all counting. Knowing all the while and quoting it umpteenth times that the Quran said; In the counting lay the trap of being a miser!

 

‏وَيْلٌۭ لِّكُلِّ هُمَزَةٍۢ لُّمَزَةٍ ‎

‏ٱلَّذِى جَمَعَ مَالًۭا وَعَدَّدَهُۥ ‎

 

Woe to every slanderer, backbiter,

the one who collects wealth and counts it.

Surah Al Humazah, Verse 1-2

 

When I looked up the verse in the Book I was taken aback by what the Surah was called: Al Humazah - “The Slanderer, The Gossip-monger.”

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Waylu: The greatest evil and most massively intense destruction for every one amongst all people…

 

Le kulle humaza: for everyone who is sarcastic, the one walks among people with sarcasm and disgraces people’s sense of dignity and it becomes for him, this low-life habit, an ugly practice, permanent and forever, and also for every…

 

Lumaza: person is the who finds faults in others, deriding them about their ancestry and assigning them with different kinds of abuses to (being born from) prostitutes and without fathers, accusing them and being suspicious of them.

 

And nothing has made this person daring enough and inclined towards this ugly habit and wrongful deed except his wealth and his riches and his status and his role of leadership (in society). So indeed he is…

 

Alladi jama’ maalan: the one who gathers wealth and baggage from the decorations of the valueless world, towards which are leaning hearts of the worldly people and their companions.

 

Wa addadahu: And he keeps counting it, (the money).

 

Yahsabu anna maalahu akhladahu: thinking that, without doubt, his wealth will always allow him to remain i.e. it will be forever and maintain his naf (self) endlessly and make him the one who will always be in the world, living in it forever, to the extent that he thinks that never will he experience decline or transfer of it.

 

And overall, he is in a deception because of his wealth and his status to the degree that he thinks it will be with him forever due to his boastfulness and his delusion.”

 

That tracking of expenses and budgets had turned me into a stingy person in a matter of two days. That was one reason for my sustained state of restlessness.

 

Hazrat Yahya (as) had once asked Iblis: “Who do you think of as a friend amongst Mankind and who do you consider your enemy?

 

Iblis replied, “I love the Mo’min bakheel, the one who has brought faith and is a miser. But I dislike the Fasiq, the defiantly disobedient sinner who is generous.”

 

The Prophet Yahya (as) asked, “Why?”

 

He explained, “Because the miserliness of the miser will eventually destroy him so I don’t have to worry about misleading him. But the sinner who is generous worries me that because of his generosity, maybe Allah will look upon him with Mercy and forgive him his sins.”

 

Then as he left he said, “You were a Prophet, otherwise I would never have revealed this secret before anyone.”

 

No wonder all the Spiritual Masters only had one question for their disciples at the end of each day; was there anything left that could have been distributed? If there was, they were deeply saddened, comparing themselves to the worst of evil tyrants, Pharoah and Qaroon. If there wasn’t, they felt ease and felt the scent of The Beloved (peace be upon him) and his family around them. Subhan Allah!

 

I had seen the door of miserliness but I had not passed through it. I had just stood under it restless, anxious, miserable, stuck! It made me realize that I walked through those doors so much more easily when my emotions, as reactions, even when negative, had to do with others. But in relationship to myself, I could be frozen for a while. In the blame game with someone else, I couldn’t see myself and I was made to finally understand why people are the veil that will never allow me to see my nafs.

 

“Remember! Makhlooq, creation, is the veil over your nafs, ego. And your ego is the veil over your qalb that prevents you from recognizing your Lord. And your qalb is the veil over your batin, the inner being. So as long as you remain stuck with people, you will not be able to see your nafs.”

 

That morning I went to the shrine of Pir Sakhi Turat Murad Shah (ra) in Bagh e Jinnah after several days. I did not play. The city was covered in a cloud of fog. I played Catch with Shaan for a bit and they he and I walked to the Mazaar. I went inside and laid my temple on the marble at the foot of his tomb, pressing down on it, letting the coldness enter my mind, hoping something from inside it would travel to my heart.

 

Then finally the tears came and I said, “Baba Ji, I didn’t come to see you for so many days and my life fell into ruin.” I cried and cried and kept repeating myself. “I became ruined. Everything fell apart and I now I am ruined.”

 

When I walked back to the parking with Shaan who was bouncing a rubber ball we bought, I thought about how if someone like me, who was knee deep in the so-called acquisition and pursuit of knowledge could waiver and find themselves light years from any center, what was the surprise that others, who didn’t even consider it, were floating deep inside black holes?

 

I saw myself falling into the abyss of the asfal as safileen – the lowest of the low. And a verse, one of many, when I have translated and names and faces of people have come to mind, in unintentional (yet) judgment nonetheless, came to mind for my own self. A verse that I would have never in a million years thought would ever apply to me.

 

Because I felt destroyed!

 

وَمَن يَعْشُ عَن ذِكْرِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ نُقَيِّضْ لَهُۥ شَيْطَـٰنًا فَهُوَ لَهُۥ قَرِينٌ

 

And whoever turns a blind eye to the remembrance of the Most Compassionate,

We place at the disposal of each one from the party of Iblis as their close associate,

Surah Az-Zukruf, Verse 36

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Wa mayya’shu: and the one who turns away physically as well as from the heart…

 

An dikr Ar Rahman: from the Quran, which explains for this person the way to imaan, faith and irfaan, Recognition of Allah, due to excessive lustful desires and attractions for the senses which are worldly…

 

Nuqayyad lahu: We give control and power over him to…

 

Shaytan an: Iblis and his party, who misguides him, and seduces him and whispers doubts into his heart, and destroys him.

 

Fa huwa: Shaitaan then becomes…

 

Lahu Qareen: attached to him forever, beautifying for him that which is sinful and that which is wrong and makes him deluded into believing those things until he makes him enter into the fire which cuts and deprives him from Allah’s Mercy.

 

It was Qari Sahib who had pointed out how Ghaus Pak (ra) described “remembrance of God:” the Quran. Then he told me a hadith that elucidated the verse:

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ

مَا مِنْكُمْ مِنْ أَحَدٍ إِلَّا وَقَدْ وُكِّلَ بِهِ قَرِينُهُ مِنْ الْجِنِّ

قَالُوا وَإِيَّاكَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ

قَالَ وَإِيَّايَ إِلَّا أَنَّ اللَّهَ أَعَانَنِي عَلَيْهِ فَأَسْلَمَ فَلَا يَأْمُرُنِي إِلَّا بِخَيْرٍ

 

The Prophet of God (peace be upon him) said, “There is no one amongst you except that next to him is an associate from the Jinn (who propels him towards sin.)

 

The Companions asked, “O Messenger of Allah! Even with you?”

 

He replied, “And even with me except that Allah helped me against him and he surrendered so (now) he doesn’t say order me towards anything except goodness.

 

But I read the Quran and I listened to it and I even worked on translating exegesis of it, yet there were times he was a close associate. In my prayers, I invoked association with the Friends of God all day long. Yet I lost the calm of my prayer in a second. It vanished and became replaced by noise. Why? And then I knew. It was because my words were without meaning. My deeds were without sincerity.

 

I remembered a lecture of Uzair’s in which he spoke about the Quran and how it was a living thing. Not a book, not words printed on paper. That is why Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) was called the living Quran. He was why Allah placed the exception to everything in deed. And that deed only counted if it was in emulation of His Beloved (peace be upon him).

 

During the days of self-inflicted torture, I had asked the Quran what to do about the situation with the missing money. The options of punitive measures kept looping in my head. The verse that came said it all:

 

يَسْـَٔلُونَكَ عَنِ ٱلسَّاعَةِ أَيَّانَ مُرْسَىٰهَا ۖ

قُلْ إِنَّمَا عِلْمُهَا عِندَ رَبِّى ۖ

لَا يُجَلِّيهَا لِوَقْتِهَآ إِلَّا هُوَ ۚ

ثَقُلَتْ فِى ٱلسَّمَوَتِ وَٱلْأَرْضِ ۚ

 

They ask you about the Hour, when will be its appointed time?

Say, "Its knowledge rests only with my Lord,

None but Him an reveal its time.

It lays heavily in the heavens. Nor will it come to you but suddenly.

Surah Al Araaf, Verse 187

 

In that instant, I became of what had become absent in my life, draining away in some second when I was unaware: reliance upon God. Shaan walked by the room as I read the verse with Qari Sahib, holding his tennis ball, baseball cap on head, shades stuck on top of it. I had said to him more than a few times;

 

“You’re like a bird Shaan. You wake with the dawn and sleep at 7.”

 

I was saying it in that context specifically of timing but he was like a bird in many other ways; the creature amongst Creation that was the highest in rank in the animal kingdom. He didn’t know when his next meal would come. He didn’t know from where. Or even if. Yet he never thought about it. Or cared about it or expected it. It didn’t seem to cross his mind at all. He was detached from everything. Truly detached. Not like me who said it, even felt like I felt it. But too often, on the heels of that feeling was my ego in one form or another so it was not true.

 

When I had said that he had responded with annoyance, turning his face away like a kid, “I’m a tiger and you’ve made me a bird. At least call me an eagle!”

 

I smiled. Like I always smile at what he says.

 

I understood just recently why tawakkul, reliance, was elusive for me. There when I didn’t need it and absent when it was required. The prerequisite for it was sidq. I knew the word to mean truth but I looked it up. There were four types of it; wafa – devotion or constancy, yaqeen – certainty, ikhlas – sincerity, sehha – state of being true and salama – genuineness.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) in Al Fath Ar Rabbani: “Be of sidq in your words and your deed and be patient in all your states. Sidq is actually the One-ness of Allah, Tauheed and it is ikhlas, sincerity and it is tawakkul, reliance upon Him.

 

The reality of reliance is the cutting off of all means and people and disassociating from the idea that it is because of your own strength and ability. To the extent that your qalb and your sirr desire connection with Him, cut off all other means of connection other than Him and keep yourself away from them and them away from you. Keep yourself away from the happenings until you connect with Al Muhdis, The One who is the Creator of them. While you remain with your self or your other wordly means, you cannot succeed.”

 

Once I asked Shaan to tell me something about the time he spent in the park and he said this.

 

“When you walk in the sun under open skies and your sweat falls on the ground, the scent of one drop of it tells you who you are as a person.”

 

I listened to his words not understanding a single one. I had never walked in the sun except when I wanted to. The skies were open for me only when I chose them to be. No wonder I had no clue who I was as a person.

 

In my intrusive line of questioning, I shifted gears into second and asked, “What should one ask God for Shaan?”

 

Without a moment’s hesitation, his face lit, he said, “There’s no need to ask Him for anything. If he wants to give you something, He will give it.”

 

It wasn’t any wonder he never asked anyone for anything. He was trained by his Lord to only rely on Him. He was a marvel!

 

I discovered recently the root of humiliation. It was expectation. As soon as one does something for one, expectation enters the dynamic invisibly. As soon as one asks someone for anything, expectation enters. When it is not met, which is eventually inevitable, it turns to disappointment for a moment. Then it converts to what lasts; humiliation. Unquestionably, it is the worst feeling a human being can experience.

 

It’s been the worst for me for sure of any emotion. It causes rage and then a drowning in self-pity. I have claimed to love, then hated persons who caused it. Then I have felt badly for hating them and the cycle repeated. It felt like I was burning in a fire where I was dousing the fuel upon myself and a hadith came to mind describing me to myself:

 

أَنَّهُ سَمِعَ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ ،

يَقُولُ : إِنَّمَا مَثَلِي وَمَثَلُ النَّاسِ ، كَمَثَلِ رَجُلٍ اسْتَوْقَدَ نَارًا فَلَمَّا أَضَاءَتْ مَا حَوْلَهُ ،

جَعَلَ الْفَرَاشُ وَهَذِهِ الدَّوَابُّ الَّتِي تَقَعُ فِي النَّارِ يَقَعْنَ فِيهَا ،

فَجَعَلَ يَنْزِعُهُنَّ وَيَغْلِبْنَهُ فَيَقْتَحِمْنَ فِيهَا ،

فَأَنَا آخُذُ بِحُجَزِكُمْ عَنِ النَّارِ وَهُمْ يَقْتَحِمُونَ فِيهَا .

 

The Prophet of God (peace be upon him) said,

"My example and the example of the people is that of a man who made a fire, and when it lighted what was around it, moths and other insects started falling into the fire. The man tried (his best) to prevent them, (from falling in the fire) but they overpowered him and rushed into the fire.

The Prophet (ﷺ) added: Now, similarly, I take hold of the knots at your waist (belts) to prevent you from falling into the Fire, but you insist on falling into it."

 

Humiliation coming my way was one thing. It was my pursuit of it that was astonishing. It always came under my favourite guise of goodness and kindness that I loved to don. Always false! That’s why it was never the humiliation that brought one closer to God. I never bore it for His Sake. I bore it for mine. Just like people love people for their own sake.

 

Turns out that my rayakari, showing off, is mostly between me and my nafs. When I did something “generous” or “kind,” then thought to myself, “That was pretty cool huh?” My nafs just looked back at me silently, deadpan but what it was really saying all the while was, “Give it a day. Then tell me how you did feels.”

 

Sometimes I cry because I think I have moved from the base nafs, Ammara to the one above it, Lawamma, the “accusatory or self-reproaching self” but then I see myself push it back to becoming the worst one again. I do it myself, knowingly and unknowingly, intentionally and unintentionally, caught between the traps delicately lay out by my own justifications and my “false sense of dignity.” In that fire that I fall into, even the creatures of fire, the Shayateen, move away from me.

 

I cannot do anything, barely take a step in any direction, without falling, slipping, erring. I am not of the ones who know to leave the nafs with the world and the qalb with the Hereafter and the sirr with The Protector. For as I found, even if the nafs could be tamed, the doubts sowed by Man’s mortal enemy could always sprout, even at one’s death-bed after living a life exemplary in every single way because Iblis spares no one:

 

Imam Raazi (ra) was a Persian polymath, Islamic scholar and a pioneer of inductive logic. He wrote various works in the fields of medicine, chemistry, physics, astronomy, cosmology, literature, theology, ontology, philosophy, history and jurisprudence.

 

He was one of the earliest proponents and skeptics that came up with the concept of Multiverse, and compared it with the astronomical teachings of Quran. A rejector of the geocentric model and the Aristotelian notions of a single universe revolving around a single world, Al-Raazi argued about the existence of the outer space beyond the known world.

 

“When he was on his deathbed, Iblis came to the Imam (ra) to give his last best effort to make break his faith, take it away from him.

 

With this in mind, Iblis asked him a question, “You spent your entire life in seeing the Signs of Allah and loving Him. Did you ever recognize God?”

 

The Imam (ra) replied, “Without doubt Allah is One.”

 

Iblis said, “Where is your proof for it?”

 

Imam Fakhar al Din al Raazi (ra) gave him a daleel (an argument as evidence). Iblis, once the Ustad of the Angels, dismissed the argument. The Imam (ra) presented a second case. He defeated that as well. The conversation continued until the Imam (ra) had given 360 arguments and Iblis had dispelled all of them. The Imam (ra) became gravely perplexed and started to lose hope.

 

Imam Fakhar al Din al Raazi (ra) was the disciple of Hazrat

Najmuddin Kubra (ra), one of the most favoured disciples of Ghaus Pak (ra). Hazrat Najmuddin Kubra (ra) could see the whole incident unfolding before him from afar.

 

He was performing ablution and during it, he called out to his disciple, “Why don’t you just say, ‘I have brought faith upon God without any argument.’”

 

I have one hope alone for love to enter my seclusion: The Talibeen.

 

“When you lose your nafs in the state of your khalwat, state of seclusion, and wish it to be in the company of the Talibeen, the Friends of God, then at this point your seclusion becomes filled with the love of Allah Azzo Jal.”

 

When I reached home, I spoke to said staff member who I had been forgiving every day and trying to keep track to see when I would clear 70, the number Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) had said was the number of times to forgive an employee of the home for mistakes they made. I cleared the air completely. We both relaxed. The tension between everyone broke and the mood of the house changed. It went back to how it was; happy!

 

Like the Earth, I orbit around myself and my self orbits around words. Allah’s in the Quran, His Beloved’s (peace be upon him) in the ahadith. And then there’s mine, which are most often without meaning. I circled back to Maulana Rum (ra).

 

What you seek is seeking you.

When I run after what I believe I want,

my days are a furnace of stress and tension.

But if I sit in my own place of patience,

what I need flows to me itself, without any pain.

From this I understand that

what I am seeking is also seeking me

is looking for me and attracting me.

There is a great (Divine) Secret here

for those who can comprehend it.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) says, “Let there be no doubt that God has given me His Word that fire will never touch those who are amongst mine and they will die being believers.” That fire, I had been reading in his tafseer of Surah Tauba, is “the worst, most terrible abode of the ones deprived and rejected from acceptance by Allah. That fire is being cast away from His Mercy and to be forgotten by Him.”

 

It’s funny. People forget the one they loved intensely but they never forget the one who loved them with blind devotion. One by one I have forgotten them all, those I loved. Certainly everyone forgot me. All that is left of love in my life for a long time now is what I receive from the Friends of God. Their love elucidates the meanings of sidq. All four of them! It’s like Shaan’s. All my focus on them only informs me about myself.

 

The greatest upside of “sitting in patience,” when I have been allowed to do it, was that it forced sincerity naturally in my deed. The pause allowed me to consider my intention closely. Even when I didn’t consider it, the time in that pause revealed my intention to me. Why was I about to do that which I was about to do. In each and every overture I made otherwise, my ego was the protagonist. It was just invisible.

 

In a reaction though, as opposed to the action in the pursuit of want, there always lies the possibility of emulation. Of the Masters of the souls and their Master, Ghaus Pak (ra) and his Master, Maula Ali (ratu) and his Master, the Prophet of God (peace be upon him). That too is invisible. It holds within it a true chance that might make me not a deceiver, for my own self nor any other. The notion alone makes me feel calm. Now when I stare at the gorgeous sky from my bedroom in Lahore just after sunset, I finally see before me what I have only dreamed about; the stillness of sincerity.

 

Hazrat Najmuddin Kubra (ra) in the Tafseer e Jilani:

The purification of “asraar,” the plural of sirr, that which is nourished by the Bounty of Allah, come from the absence of thoughts (which are doubts and paranoia).

 

The purification of the souls, ruh, comes from shedding thoughtlessness.

 

The purification of the quloob, the Seat of Recognition of Allah, comes from giving up desires that are forbidden.

 

The purification of the aqool, the power to reflect, lies in the disappearance of ignorance.

 

The purification of the nafoos, the base self, is to abstain from ingratitude and the denial of Truth.

 

And the purification of the physical self comes from the avoidance of sins.

 

The one who was loved by Allah from the beginning, He makes them pure in the world from that which might distract him even for a single moment from His Being. So indeed, the true lover does not abandon his beloved in any situation that might harm him.

 

Done