the 1st of Muharram - Subhan Allah!

The Idols in my Heart

 

The beauty, zeenat, of the heart comes from Tauheed (the

One-ness of God)

ikhlas (sincerity),

trusting Allah,

it comes from His Remembrance

and in forgetting others.

Ghaus Pak (ra)

 

Writing truthfully comes naturally to me. Writing about my dark side, easily. I can see it in the light of others, the contrast striking. I can see it in their darkness, we are always only shades apart. My esteemed Spiritual Master Babu ji (ra) says countless times in Musafir Chand Roza; “Think of yourself as the worst. Think of everyone else as better than you.”

 

I was never able to do that, think of myself as the worst. And it was without discussing those who made everyone feel they were better than them. After all, some souls had made no promises. They had not reached out and been embraced. Hence, they were yoked, captive themselves. If they behaved badly it was not surprising. But I hailed myself as a keeper of promises. Regressing once in a while was one thing. Breaking a foundational rule, entirely another.

 

So over four weeks on a summer holiday I finally came to reach the point of honestly thinking I was undoubtedly the worst. This is that story that in fact should not be told. And if it is, I have wondered while writing it, can it ever be told truthfully?

 

Begin.

 

When you have one person left that is family that person is important. You have seen good times and bad together. Each of you has changed in their own ways, marking their footsteps with imprints, scars and wounds to show for their paths on their spiritual journey. You part ways often but you will always meet again. If not joy, life and if not pain, death creates reunion forever.

 

In the interim sometimes one sinks in mistrust wondering, are they sincere to me? The dimmest of light in the heart dying to be heard screams yes. The darkness simply whispers no. Yet prevails.

 

This summer after two years I returned to what was my home for years. Simply because it was my brother’s home. Portland, Oregon. A city that felt divine because of its beauty and its food, both simple yet overwhelming, in a good way. My cousin happened to be there too. That was a stroke of luck. He is gentle and calm, chilled. The opposite of me even though we were both born on the same day four years apart. I was glad he was there. I had really gotten to know him only on a trip once years ago because he was outside of Lahore. In the city we both lived in, he was usually depressed, languishing in fantasies that would never come true.

 

My niece was now ten. She was and always will be my heart’s greatest delight. The second person I loved without expectation, negotiation, calculation. I recently added a third and fourth to that list. I hope it grows. I feel it so starkly now what Maulana Shams Tabrez (ra) means when he says that love with those three aspects in it is hell. And without it, heaven. It was so strange to realize in all my interactions of love once the 40’s began, all of which I felt so intensely, bliss had always been absent.

 

Even now when I regress, say something, do something and think of how or whether it might be reciprocated, I feel that fire of hell and wonder; how did I burn in it for these last 10 years? Burn…in...it...

 

I was prepared for the trip in advance. As in spiritually trained for it in Lahore. By my Masters from the Realm of the Unseen and my friends on this Earth. There were two simple rule to follow; first, exercise silence. And two, understand and accept that nothing you want will happen.

 

Both rules were next to impossible for me to execute without lapse for the former and reaction to the latter. Still I buckled down and took a deep breath. I joked with a cousin of mine before leaving; If I can pull it off Cuz, I’m coming back with a halo around my head!

 

Day 15 was when I faced my failure dead in the face. My tongue finally lashed out. My temper raged. My brother reacted somewhat calmly because he always says the same thing; drink a glass of cold water. He must have read it somewhere in tips for anger management. Of course that was infuriating. I left the room in a huff and the sick part was as I entered mine, where my niece was brushing her teeth, I felt elated.

 

A volcano had finally burst so pressure was released. A molten lava erupted leaving me unscathed. A few minutes later I re-entered his room sickened by my pleasure at taking someone out. I apologized. He kept saying he didn’t understand why I reacted the way I did. I had no answer to that because I felt he should have known it was coming. But I gave no explanation because every single one I had would have only served to provoke him and hence me. I apologized again. He accepted it gracefully.

 

That afternoon I chose to stay behind while the three of them went shopping to the city. We were spending most of the five weeks in a beach town on the coast. I grabbed my book & drove to a restaurant where I loved the food. I stared out the window at dense fog, and then found a beach to walk on.

 

I saw a few cars parked on the side of a road. I could see the sand from where I stopped so I knew it wasn’t going to be far. I put on my headphone and the track that was my summer pick – Sultan + Shepherd, Run to you – grabbed my camera and made my way down. The beach was lovely. It was a cliff on one side that was laid on a bed of rocks. I decided to climb over them and walk to the edge so I could sit right near the water.

 

It was around 4 that I realized I hadn’t prayed Zuhr. I would not get back into town in time to say it so I decided to pray on the rocks. During the prayer I thought about the moment I had experienced with my brother that morning. The moment I had successfully avoided for 15 days. The moment that had made me feel victorious when it was really nothing but defeat. Nonetheless it was also a moment which allowed me to see him for where he was standing in his life.

 

Overtly he appeared strong, financially independent, capable, seemingly in no need of anything, emotional or otherwise. But it was a false bravado. Because bravado is always false. His aggression, which seemed to manifest itself instantly, was in fact just the opposite. It was intense fragility. As if a shattering was just a hair’s breadth away and he was skirting it every single moment all the time.

 

There was in fact no confidence. There was never any confidence. My father had never allowed it. Its false appearance was a mask that over time had become worn out so now it kept peeling off. That part he was aware of. It was what caused the tension inside him to repeat one exercise in repeat; plastering that mask back on again and again. That is why seclusion was preferred. Everything else must have felt taxing.

 

I replayed the morning’s incident in my mind over and over. I wanted to see my role in it. I had not even really lost my temper. I had just expressed irritation. At being slighted. At being ignored. At being out of bounds really as far as any consideration or sensitivity was concerned. I had been annoyed at best. I had expressed it by being dismissive and condescending. That was the trigger!

 

It was my making him feel insignificant, the hinting that his behaviour was abnormal. It was me being my father! The truth was that he was also being my father. As far as triggering me was concerned. But there was a big difference. I knew what was happening. I could exercise control over my reaction. All I had to do was be quiet.

 

He didn’t know anything. He was getting through life hour by hour, minute by minute, hoping his world didn’t crash, hoping he didn’t crash. And not even for his own sake. For his daughter’s. Who already knows what he’s like. Like all children learn their parent’s flaws at the youngest age. And love them anyway. Ignore them anyway.

 

During my prayer I thought about how I was one of those ordinary people who learnt only through failure. Who always had to be bad in order to be good. And I thought of my beloved Nabi Kareem (saw) who was only and always good. Kind. Gentle. Soft. I had read a new story recently where he was walking and some man came up behind him and pulled him back by his shirt so roughly that he tore it.

 

“Give me something,” he demanded.

 

A war had been won. The spoils were being distributed.

 

Nabi Kareem (saw) simply turned around and smiled.

 

“Give him what he wants,” he said.

 

Just like that!

 

But I was never good. To be good I had to always first face my evil. I hated that so much. It disappointed me so deeply I would just cry. That day sitting on the rocks I wept and asked my Lord for the first time, Ya Rabbi! When will I just be good? Would it ever happen? Could it even happen? I heard the waves crash on the rocks around me and waited for an answer. It didn’t come.

 

The wind blew hard carrying birds I had never seen before gliding away in lines. I packed my stuff and headed back towards the car. For 14 days I had been praying fervently, ardently, eagerly, passionately, fanatically. How can I express love to someone, I would ask Allah, who has an impenetrable barrier around them? A new barrier that I had never seen before, that I was not used to. And then I knew.

 

Perhaps there was no way around it. Maybe I was not going to be able to go through it and find myself on the inside. Ever! If the shield made another feel safe, then it was not for me to undo that for them. The only thing I could do was express my love. Which I had not been doing with my brother. In practicing my muteness, I had not said anything kind to him either. I had just been mirroring him, the only difference between us being my silence.

 

On good days I had felt hopeful. On bad, I felt like I visited someone who had jailed themselves. I sat across a glass door. I picked up a phone. I waited for a Hello! If I was lucky, we spoke. Otherwise he disappeared leaving me, the one who is “free” bound, wondering if the next interaction would be better. It made me realize he wasn't the only person in my life like that.

 

In the first few days when I couldn’t figure anything out I called Qari Sahib just to say hello. He gave me a prayer to say. Since I have never uttered verses before in certain number to bring about change in another person, I was dejected by his advice. But then the Surah turned out to one of my favourites, Al-Nasr, so I started saying it. I recited it a lot anyway.

 

I even set up a time to understand the tafseer of it by Ghaus Pak (ra).

 

إِذَا جَآءَ نَصْرُ ٱللَّهِ وَٱلْفَتْحُ

وَرَأَيْتَ ٱلنَّاسَ يَدْخُلُونَ فِى دِينِ ٱللَّهِ أَفْوَاجًا

فَسَبِّحْ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّكَ وَٱسْتَغْفِرْهُ ۚ إِنَّهُۥ كَانَ تَوَّابًۢا

 

When comes the Help of Allah and the Victory,

and you see the people entering into the religion of Allah in multitudes.

Then glorify with the praises of your Lord and ask His Forgiveness.

Indeed, He is Oft-Returning

Surah Al-Fath, Verses 1-3

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Ida ja’a nasurallah: When it will come to you, O Messenger who completes Prophethood (peace be upon you), the Promise of Allah which He promised you, that He will help you against all your enemies. And make your religion dominate all other religions…

 

Wal fath: …which Allah already informed you of with his verse

“Inna fathana laka fath han mubeenan - ‏إِنَّا فَتَحْنَا لَكَ فَتْحًۭا مُّبِينًۭا ‎- Indeed, We have given victory, to you a victory clear. 48/1”

 

Wa: Now it has come; that victory and the help that you were promised, completing your control and overcoming all your enemies and dominating your religion over all other religions…

 

Rait an Naas a yadkhulna fi deen Allah I afwaja: …troop by troop and group by group, after which they will come individual by individual.

 

Fa sabbih bi hamdi Rabbika: O Messenger who completes Prophethood (peace be upon you)! Be thankful that He has granted you all that He promised you. And He gave you victory upon all the Universe. And perfected your excellence in manner and honorable etiquette by raising you, then unveiling your appearance for all people.

 

Wa astahfir-hu: So ask Him to let go of everything and forgive from His Majesty, for the benefit of your person and your transgressions (in love).

 

Inna hu kana Tawwaba: He forgives all who ask for forgiveness from Him and also accepts the repentance of those who turn towards Him again. If those feelings come dipped in sincerity.

 

It was the last line that resonated for me the most. I turned in repentance again and again. But it also made me wonder about the last line. Were my feelings always dipped in sincerity?

 

I even studied what is the Khatim as Surah, a note at the end of each Surah, concluding it, that Ghaus Pak (ra) writes for the reader:

 

O You who seeks success on the Last Day and is interested in the spiritual blessings from Allah Himself which have been promised that come from asking forgiveness from Him! And in focusing your attention towards Him in all your states all the time and entrusting your matters in their entirety to Him! And making Him your Disposer of Affairs! And making Him the One who takes care of you and becomes your Guarantor!

 

For you the duty is to be steadfast in obedience and worship. And stay away from that which has been made forbidden and evil for you. May Allah protect you from sins and bring you to the place of culminating your purpose by His Bounty (Fazl) and His Kindness (Lutf).

 

In saying the Surah by count for the first time, I realized that prayers that are supposedly to alter another’s heart are amazing because whether they impact the other person or not, they definitely alter one’s own. It’s the Quran after all. Ease of the heart is promised.

 

ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ ٱللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ ٱلْقُلُوبُ

 

Those who believed and whose hearts find comfort in the remembrance of Allah.

No doubt, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find their rest.

Surah Ar-Rad, Verse 28

 

But it was early days. Half the trip remained. I felt ease because I was successful in exercising silence but I was seriously lacking something which I had taken for granted on my end; the entrusting of matters in their entirety to Him, and making Him the only Disposer of Affairs, and making Him the

One who takes care of me and thus becoming my Guarantor!

 

In Lahore, I always felt my reliance singularly, doubtlessly because I was alone. There was no one except God for me there. When I made mistakes, erring constantly, they had to do with my own person. The regret came naturally and the repentance was doused in sincerity.

 

Patterns were recognized and broken quickly. Here I was repeating the mistake without recognizing it and therefore without addressing it. I noted the difference was coming from the relationship that was woven into my life inextricably. The others I could walk away from. This I could not escape.

 

I knew that because the whole trip had got me thinking about friends of mine who had spouses who were difficult. Who can fly off the handle without provocation. Be verbally abusive or just distant, indifferent. Then cycle to some sweetness and become hard again. Endlessly. For decades. I often tried to share with them what I learnt but I was not married and I have never had experience, long-term living in the same space with someone who was like that. I shared what worked for me in difficulty of shaking off looping thoughts. That was about it. I didn’t have to face the people creating those thoughts all day long.

 

I had found my brother to be was more closed off than usual. Perhaps it was because his marriage was on fragile grounds. Maybe it was from living alone for the last two years. Then my father had died only a few months before. He was always veiled anyway but the veils seemed thicker.

 

Day in and day out I wondered how to reach him. I felt like it was an exercise in vain like scaling walls put up by the other only to reach the top and find, the walls were in fact higher. The rope wasn’t enough. You could only stay suspended.

 

On one of my alone days while reading Al-Fath Ar-Rabbani, I finally understood why Ghaus Pak (ra) defined the last and highest state of sabr, patience, to be that which is not waited for to be over. It was something that had always truly perplexed me. Why wouldn’t someone want a trial of difficulty to end?

 

“Once I was faced with a trial and it left me in a state of pain for a few days. I requested Allah to make it end. And He intensified my pain through another trial. In that moment, I was left mutahayyar, bewildered.

 

Then I heard a voice from the Unseen, ‘Did you not in your initial stages say that, in all my states, I surrender to my Lord?’

 

Thus I was taught adab regard, and I became still.”

 

I loved that last line. How the extraordinary were taught something through a single line and in a single moment becoming “still” for eternity!

 

I already knew that what lay at the heart of badly broken people; shame and abandonment. It’s what lay behind the dysfunction we all have. But theirs seemed to be different. I recently discovered the major one to be that a time comes when they cannot take any chances.

 

They refuse to put themselves in a position of vulnerability. Not with any relation. Not for any reason. They seem to be minimizing risk of hurt and disappointment to zero but in that singular pursuit they don’t see that they will have to reject all love.

 

All of it!

 

How barren would life be then?

 

It made me sigh deeper than usual.

 

On day 21, my trip was coming to a close in two weeks. My cousin was leaving in one. In that moment when the end appeared on the horizon, clarity came with it. What I have not mentioned thus far, primarily out of disappointment and embarrassment, was my financial dependence on my brother. He had given me his credit card. He had done that many times before. But this time he seemed to do it, not begrudgingly, but not quite as generously either.

 

I had brought a substantial amount of money to cover my expenses but I had spent it all on my ticket, renting weekend apartments and hiring cars over the 6 weeks. I expected him to cover the cost of my being there otherwise. And it was again during my prayers that I was made to see myself relying on him when my pockets were not empty. I just didn’t want to spend my money on incidentals because I thought I shouldn’t have to. But I ignored those revelations that came. That was a colossal mistake!

 

Day after day my prayers were distracted from morning till night. I would hear a voice inside my heart saying words like ghair mukhlis, insincere, munafiq, hypocrite. I listened to the words over and over feeling my chest tighten and yet, I didn’t change anything. Till the end appeared.

 

The tragic fact was I was not even buying anything I really wanted on his card. He was not going to end up spending half as much money on me than I would spend on myself. Still I felt entitled to it and instead, I ignored my soul that was burning. And I let it burn.

 

Then on another day while I was reading Ghaus Pak (ra) spoke to me;

 

“O you who seeks ilm, knowledge! Without amal, deed, there is no trust upon your knowledge and without ikhlaas, sincerity, there is no trust upon your deed. For it is like a body without a soul.

 

The symbol of your sincerity is that you don’t turn your attention towards people when they praise you nor when they are critical of you and – this was the line especially for me – the symbol of your sincerity is that you don’t turn your attention towards people or the wealth that is in their hands.”

 

The symbol of your sincerity!

 

Then he continued, “For how will you deliver on your promises to Allah that (1) only He is your Lord (2) you were created to gain His Recognition and (3) make your deeds to please the Giver of all Blessings instead of the overt giver of it who is just the medium.”

 

Whilst translating the text with Qari Sahib he told me the verses Ghaus Pak (ra) was referring to in the Quran. That is when I knew, I was amongst those who said, “Bala! Indeed, You are.”

 

وَإِذْ أَخَذَ رَبُّكَ مِنۢ بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ مِن ظُهُورِهِمْ ذُرِّيَّتَهُمْ وَأَشْهَدَهُمْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمْ أَلَسْتُ بِرَبِّكُمْ ۖ

قَالُوا۟ بَلَىٰ ۛ شَهِدْنَآ ۛ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ إِنَّا كُنَّا عَنْ هَـٰذَا غَـٰفِلِينَ

 

And recall when Your Lord summoned the offspring of the children of Adam from their loins and made them testify about themselves, “Am I not your Lord?”

They said, “Yes, we do testify.”

Thus you cannot say on the Day of Resurrection, “We were oblivious of this.”

Surah Al Araaf, Verse 172

 

Also reminding me that according to Ghaus Pak (ra) worshipping Allah is in fact gaining His Recognition:

 

‏وَمَا خَلَقْتُ ٱلْجِنَّ وَٱلْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ ‎

 

And not I have created the jinn and the mankind except that they worship Me.

Surah Ad-Dhariyat, Verse 56

 

But it was the third promise I had forgotten; Make your deeds to please the Giver of all Blessings instead of the overt giver of it, for they are just the medium.

 

Then Ghaus Pak (ra) explained why the medium didn’t matter;

“What people have is the shell, the marrow only lies with God. Thus only when your faith in God and your sincerity towards Him will you become what He expects from you, will you stand before Him forever mindful.

 

Then He will bestow upon you His Recognition and you will come to know the marrow of The Marrow and the inner of The Inner and the meaning of The Meaning.

 

So eat from the left-overs of the Friends of God and drink from what they leave behind for they are fed spirituality and meaning as a reward of their obedience to His Beloved (peace be upon him).”

 

The realization of my insincerity blew a hole in my heart. I walked around in a daze for a few days at what I had done, how I had ignored it. I had transported myself to the darkest of darkness and then planted myself there while seeing the light at the edges of my surrounding. And for what? I shudder typing the word as to what a ghatiya person (lowlife) it made me; money. But at least finally the spell was broken.

 

In those same days while driving around for long periods of time, something I never do in Lahore, I heard a lecture by Uzair from years ago. Perhaps it was when he first started speaking at Hast o Neest. In it he mentioned something Sheikh ul Akbar, Hazrat Mohyuddin Ibn e Arabi (ra), Ghaus Pak’s (ra) son by spiritual lineage, said about Tauheed, the One-ness of God. And he spoke of it in the context of the first line of the Quran;

 

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ

 

Alhamdolillah e Rab il Alameen!

 

All praise is due to God alone, the Sustainer of all the worlds.

Surah Fateha, Verse 1

 

Uzair: “All praise is Allah’s alone, who is the Lord of all the worlds. I would like to explain why in the Arabic language, the word alimeen is used here, as opposed to alimoon, both being plural. The difference in which word is to be used is a function of the context. If it is being used for beings that have the ability to reflect, aaqil, the word alimeen is used. If it is being used for the non-thinking, ghair aaqil, then alimoon is used.

 

But if we ponder on the split between reflecting and non-reflecting matter in the Universe, there is much more of the latter. For instance, most of the world, our world, is made of water. There are more plants and there are more animals than there are human beings. And of them, how many reflect? (Uzair smiles). But Allah still is using the word alimeen because of those few thinking ones, so why does He do that?

 

Here Sheikh ul Akbar (ra) says; ‘Look at the line before Alhamdolillah e Rabil Alimeen. The line is Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Rahim. Allah is showing the epitome of the Magnificence of His Mercy by using the two Names, Rahman and Rahim together. So what Allah is saying here is that He loves those who reflect, even if they are just a handful, the tiniest number, He loves them so much that for their sake, He is raising the status of the rest, the non-reflecting human beings, and the rest of creation whatever it is, by calling them as being of the alimeen.

 

So don’t miss the lesson here by the Sheikh which is, connect yourself, join yourself with the good, the truthful, the sincere, the ones chosen by Allah as His Friends, as His Favourites. For no matter how base you think you are and how imperfect, it is Allah’s Sunnah, as I have just described above, that for the sake of just a few, when He is making all the worlds and all the Universe alimeen, He will give you what you need and much more to elevate you from your state to an entirely different state. A higher state of prosperity, both spiritual and worldly. More than you expected, more than you thought you deserved.”

 

Subhan Allah!

 

Then he came to the part that struck my heart.

 

“So Sheikh ul Akbar (ra) says make the standard of your life Tauheed. Which by the way is not ‘being one’ as people all assume. It is to make something one or say that something is one. So how does one do that, make the standard of one’s life purely Allah? Sheikh (ra) says that unless your belief, aqeeda, does not exhibit itself in deed, your amal, it is not a part of your imaan, faith.

 

He is saying that if you want to understand yourself, which is the only way you will understand God, given the hadith

 

مَن عَرَفَ نَفسَہُ فَقَد عَرَفَ رَبَۤہُ

 

The one who knows himself is verily the one who knows his Lord God.

then you have to understand the Kalima Tayyaba that you recite.

 

La ilaha Illa Allah – (translated as There is no god but Allah)

 

Four words!

 

But the words have to permeate your being, in your breath, in your standing and sitting, in your speech, your character and your morality, your essence. So how does the kalima enter my life like that, in every single thing I experience? Here the Sufis give the answer very simply for everyone.

 

They say the Universe is made for a reason so understand that reason. They say that every experience and every situation that we face comes under one of Allah’s Names. Find that Name in the Quran, for they are pearls strewn before you and string it in your Kalima. Replace the “ila” with the Divine Attribute and replace the word “Allah” with His Name which is the Divine Attribute.

 

For example, when you see something beautiful like some calligraphy and you admire it, direct yourself to saying La Khaaliq Illa al Khaaliq – There is no creator except Allah is The Creator. When you meet someone rich and you think, ‘O so and so is so wealthy, direct yourself to the Kalima and say.’La Ghani illa al Ghani – There is no generous one other than Allah is The Generous One. This is what will bring you closer to Tauheed, connect you with it. When you see someone beautiful and you are drawn to them and you think, ‘so and so is so beautiful’ bring yourself to the Kalima and say, ‘la jameel illah al Jameel – There is no beautiful one other than Allah is The Beautiful One.’

 

Then you will never fixate on anything or anyone. You will always be directed to God. And that is how you will know why the world came into being. Why was it created at all. Then you will understand the Hadith Qudsi

 

كُنتُ كنزاً مَخفياً فأحببتُ أن أُعْرَف فخَلَقتُ الخَلْقَ لكي أُعرف

 

I, Allah, was a Treasure Hidden so I loved to be known

Therefore I created Creation so that I will be known.

 

Ahbabtu – “Loved” to be known, not wanted to be known!

 

This is why the Sufis say love was the first movement.”

 

I sighed. Love was the first movement!

 

While listening to the lecture, I wondered for a second about the moments we experience that are not beautiful. That are difficult or unpleasant, destructive. But then I knew my answer all too well already.

 

‏مَّآ أَصَابَكَ مِنْ حَسَنَةٍۢ فَمِنَ ٱللَّهِ ۖ وَمَآ أَصَابَكَ مِن سَيِّئَةٍۢ فَمِن نَّفْسِكَ ۚ

وَأَرْسَلْنَكَ لِلنَّاسِ رَسُولًۭا ۚ

وَكَفَىٰ بِٱللَّهِ شَهِيدًۭا

 

Whatever befalls you that is good comes from Allah,

and whatever befalls you of evil is from yourself.

And We have sent you for all people as a Messenger,

and sufficient is Allah as a Witness.

Surah An-Nisa, Verse 79

 

Again an-naas, for Mankind, humanity, everyone, as a Messenger!

 

To this day I don’t know why or even how I ignored those voices for three weeks living in my body without a soul. Why? I know one reason was that I was repeating a pattern I had with someone else in the family which was automatically being triggered. That part happened subconsciously.

 

During those same days, the surahs I recited the most in my prayers, where surahs are interchanged with Ikhlaas, were Al-Falaq and An-Naas. They were amongst my favourites and even though I had been told to read others as well, as Allah does not like the same Surahs being repeated over and over, for some reason I recited these the most.

 

In Lahore on random days before our class, I had once asked Qari Sahib what he was studying with other groups of his Quran class. One day he told me about one of them that especially intrigued me.

 

“I spoke to my class about Surah Al-Falaq and Surah An-Naas.”

 

Both are also two of the four Surah that are called the “Quls” because they start with that word, “Qul - Say, O Beloved (peace be upon you),…”

 

“Oh, I love reciting both Surahs Sir. Please tell me as well,” I requested.

 

“Ok,” said Qari Sahib, “Let’s take a deeper look at the structure of Surah Al-Falaq;

 

قُلْ أَعُوذُ بِرَبِّ ٱلْفَلَقِ

مِن شَرِّ مَا خَلَقَ

وَمِن شَرِّ غَاسِقٍ إِذَا وَقَبَ

وَمِن شَرِّ ٱلنَّفَّـٰثَـٰتِ فِى ٱلْعُقَدِ

وَمِن شَرِّ حَاسِدٍ إِذَا حَسَدَ

 

Say, O Beloved (peace be upon you),

“I seek refuge in the Lord of the rising dawn,

From the evil of what He has created,

And the evil of darkness when it spreads,

And the evil from the blowers on the knots (black magic),

And from the evil of the envier when he envies.”

Surah Al-Falaq, Verses 1-5

 

So if you look at the design of the Surah, Allah asks us to

seek refuge from Him once, I seek refuge from the Lord of the rising dawn. But the prayer of refuge is from four evils; the evil of creation, the evil of darkness, the evil of black magic and the evil of envy.

 

Now let’s look at Surah An-Naas;

 

قُلْ أَعُوذُ بِرَبِّ النَّاسِ

مَلِكِ النَّاسِ

إِلَٰهِ النَّاسِ

مِن شَرِّ الْوَسْوَاسِ الْخَنَّاسِ

الَّذِي يُوَسْوِسُ فِي صُدُورِ النَّاسِ

مِنَ الْجِنَّةِ وَالنَّاسِ

 

Say (O Beloved (peace be upon you)),

“I seek refuge in the Lord of Mankind,

The King of Mankind,

The God of Mankind,

from the evil of The Whisperer, the one who withdraws (after his whisper),

who whispers in the hearts of Mankind,

from the Jinn and Mankind.”

Surah An-Nas, Verses 1-6

 

In contrast in this Surah, Allah asks Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) to seek refuge invoking Allah’s Name three time; Rab-in Naas, Malik-in Naas, Ilahi-in Naas, the Lord of Mankind, the King of Mankind, The God of Mankind. And from what? From the evil of The Whisperer, the one who withdraws (after his whisper). One thing; Iblis. Three invocations to safeguard ourselves from one being. Do you notice the difference?

So why is that?

 

It is so we understand that Iblis has the strongest hold over us, the greatest power to propel us towards misguidance, towards our destruction. Our nafs listens to him constantly, is influenced by him constantly, is obedient to him constantly.

In order to protect ourselves from this evil, we have to turn towards Allah as our Rab, the one who raises us from when we are small, to our Malik, The One who teaches us how to be when we are mid-life and our Ilahi, who is The One we worship with increased intensity when we are old. Meaning that throughout our existence, we cannot be safe from Iblis for even a single moment, without invoking Allah’s Help and Mercy upon us.”

 

I felt blown away.

 

On that day in Portland I remembered Qari Sahib’s words. It was so clear and disturbing to realize how Iblis had attacked so silently and I had let him ravage me. I thought hard about it, my behaviour, specifically why I took money from someone when I had my own. Why did I think it was owed to me? Was it my ujrat, price, for the silence? I never quite reached an answer but at least I knew now it was wrong. In that silence, I had not even said anything to my brother regarding other people in Lahore who were relying on him.

 

Finally I broke the silence and wrote him a letter.

 

In it I said everything I wanted to say on Day One. But I said it kindly, not condescendingly, not authoritatively. I said it gently, not harshly. I said it humbly because I had been no different from him. I could not get over that for the life of me. He had been tense so I had been tense. He had been curt so I had been cold. He had been tightly wound so I had not relaxed. And almost all of the trip was over.

 

Then something happened that broke the spell. Everything shattered because by chance he felt a moment of happiness.

It was a regular morning. I was hanging out with my niece in our room. Suddenly he walked in beaming. It was something work related, I didn’t even ask what. He just announced that something “great” happened and then he hugged me. He had only done that at the airport when he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

 

I had not been able to get a second hug in on my own. I would think about it all the time, every single day in fact but it just didn’t happen. I literally couldn’t get physically close to him. He didn’t allow it. When I went to his room hoping to hang out, he always said he had a call to make or shower or change. He always wanted other people around.

 

But the real shift that came to me, for me, that was the sign that I was under someone’s nazar, eye, that someone on the other side knew I was struggling and wanted to be forgiven, came from the skies. And it came in the shape of a moon.

 

The first moon and not just any first moon either. It was the moon of the first of Muharram, the new year, the one that comes marking pain and sadness.

 

I had been on the patio trying to catch the color of the skies after the sunset which I almost always missed because it set after 9. I was always home by then. Then my eyes wandered and I saw it. I almost didn’t believe my eyes. That perfect sliver, bright, low, staring at me like it waited for me. I never catch the first moon in Lahore no matter how long I spend driving around looking for it.

 

That night at Isha’ I was euphoric. And then I saw even more clearly what I had been doing wrong.

 

فَإِذَا قَرَأْتَ ٱلْقُرْءَانَ فَٱسْتَعِذْ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ

إِنَّهُۥ لَيْسَ لَهُۥ سُلْطَـٰنٌ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَلَىٰ رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ

إِنَّمَا سُلْطَـٰنُهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ يَتَوَلَّوْنَهُۥ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُم بِهِۦ مُشْرِكُونَ

 

So when you recite the Quran, seek refuge in Allah from the Shaitaan, the accursed.

Indeed not for him is any authority over those who attain to faith

and upon their Lord they put their trust.

He has power only over those who ally themselves with him following him.

And those who because of him associate others with God.

Surah An Nahl, Verse 98-100

 

I was checking the list on everything wrong. I was not relying on God and Iblis was dancing all over my heart like it was a grave. The grave of my soul because it was dead and I had killed it! But now finally I relaxed. I accepted my reprieve with joy and I shed my sin. I didn’t know the next few days I would be made to learn only more about it so it would be ingrained in me what I had done wrong so perhaps I would not repeat the mistake again.

 

Muharram began and I tried to listen to Uzair’s lectures which were happening on a daily basis. In one of them, he recited the following verse;

 

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ

قَدْ جَآءَتْكُم مَّوْعِظَةٌ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَشِفَآءٌ لِّمَا فِى ٱلصُّدُور

وَهُدًى وَرَحْمَةٌ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ

 

O Mankind!

 

Verily has come to you an instruction from your Lord, and a healing for what (ill) is in your breasts, and guidance and mercy for the believers.

Surah Yunus, Verse 57

 

I called Qari Sahib from the States to understand the verse. How could I not? The verse was not for me, it was for all of Mankind. And the shifa’, cure, I needed to know what the effect of it was because it was promised.

 

Every word spoke to me. I was the one who had forgotten, was asleep, unaware!

 

Ya Ayyuhan Naas: O you who have forgotten your original purpose and your true abode i.e. Heaven.

 

Qad Ja’akum: the Quran has come to awaken you and make you aware

 

Muwaddatun: and admonish you

 

Min Rabbikum wa shifa ul lima fi sadoor: and cure you of your grudges and heal you of your unhealthy thoughts that are resident in your hearts.

 

Wa huda-n: And it guides even those who are of exalted status and have arrived before Tauheed.

 

Wa Rahmatun: And it consists of abundance of mercy which includes specifically

 

Lil Momineen: the people who are righteous and mindful. So it is upon you to take warning and obey its commands. And ponder upon its secrets and its signs and deeply consider its keys and how it dawns upon you, until you unveil from it according to your capacity and capability to explore it. And Allah is The True Guide towards His Essence for whom He wills from His Servants. He prevails over everything and He is Dominant and Wise.

 

From the beginning of my arrival, I was trying to get my niece to read some books I had brought on different prophets written especially for children. They focused on their stories as specifically mentioned in the Quran.

 

Sometimes I would sit with her and other times, I would read my own book and have her read out loud. One day when she was reading the story about Hazrat Musa (as), she came to a part of Pharoah which I knew nothing about; his background. Everyone I knew only spoke of his days as King of Egypt. But who was he before that?

 

“Pharoah was a poor, jobless and unsuccessful individual living in the city of Isphan in Iran. He had borrowed a lot of money from different people and was unable to pay his debt. The money lenders would demand payment but he had nothing to give them. Thus he was living a miserable life.”

 

OMG!

 

“Pharaoh had a keen interest in palmistry and astrology and would often consult about his fate and future. One of the astrologers advised him to migrate to Egypt as it would bring him honour, luck and fortune. He decided to follow the advice with the meager amount he had. He found that the people of Egypt loved melons.

 

From a village he bought some melons to start a profitable business. As he entered Egypt, he was confronted by corrupt officials who demanded illegal taxes on the melons. Pharoah had no money to pay the taxes so all the melons were confiscated. He submitted a complaint to the Emperor’s court but it was not forwarded.

 

At that time a deadly plague broke out in the city resulting in many deaths. Pharoah chalked out a plan. He reached the graveyard and demanded tax of the dead bodies. Thinking it to be official, people paid the tax as corruption was rampant in the country. As luck would have it, one of the bodies was that of a relative of a high official in the court.

 

Pharoah was taken to the King’s court for demanding illegal taxes. He informed the King about the corrupt practices in his kingdom. The King punished the officials and appointed Pharoah as a courtier. Pharoah’s treatment of the people was exemplary and with his intellect, he rose to the highest position. Soon he became all powerful and proclaimed himself king and insisted that the people prostrate before him.”

 

The ego is the python that can even swallow itself whole! And this is exactly where I was at;

 

لَهُم مِّن جَهَنَّمَ مِهَادٌ وَمِن فَوْقِهِمْ غَوَاشٍ ۚ

وَكَذَٰلِكَ نَجْزِى ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ

 

Hell will be their resting place and their covering as well.

And this is how we recompense the wrong doers.

Surah Al-Araaf, Ayaat 41

 

And of course the hell was right here in this world!

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Lahum min jahannama: Hell is the torture of Imkaan, possibility which is doubt

 

Mihaad: and they will burn in these fires of their false desires.

 

Wa min fauqihim ghiwash: They will be covered with the fires of their power and wealth and claims of being great and possessing abundance.

 

Wa ka daalika najzi ad-dualimeen: And the zalimeen, the ones who transgress the boundaries of Allah due to their nafs, who are unjust, will drown in the addiction of their senses, their paranoia and their delusion.

 

All that time I ignored my heart’s call, I had turned away from love from my soul. It answered my question of how others turn their backs to love? Those wonderings I used to have; do they even feel badly about it? In those thoughts I was judging them and so I had been made to stand exactly where they stood. It definitely ended the inquisitiveness that seemed so natural. My nafs was no different from their nafs in being punishing. My torture no different from theirs when it created doubt.

 

I thought about the moon and why it I saw its shortest of appearance marking the start of the most honored of months. There was a prayer I had started saying recently in Lahore after every Namaz. Three times! I had read that a Companion used to recite it three times after every prayer and Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) liked that so much, he kissed him on his forehead.

 

I had even studied it with Qari Sahib before leaving just to understand it more deeply. It began to dawn on me, it was this prayer that I never stopped uttering throughout my debacle, that had come to save me.

 

لَقَدْ جَآءَكُمْ رَسُولٌ مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ

عَزِيزٌ عَلَيْهِ مَا عَنِتُّمْ حَرِيصٌ عَلَيْكُم بِٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ رَءُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ

فَإِن تَوَلَّوْا۟ فَقُلْ حَسْبِىَ ٱللَّهُ لَآ إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ۖ

عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ ۖ

وَهُوَ رَبُّ ٱلْعَرْشِ ٱلْعَظِيمِ

 

Certainly, has come to you a Messenger from yourselves.

Grievous to him is what you suffer,

he is concerned over you,

to the believers he is kind and merciful.

Surah At-Tauba – Verse 128

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Laqad Ja’akum: O bedouins!

 

Rasoolun: the Messenger has come with miracles open and signs clear, that will be created.

 

Min An fusakum: Raised from amongst you is he who has intense love and mercy for you.

 

Aziz-un: Heavy is the burden

 

Alyihi: upon him (peace be upon him)

 

Ma annit-tum: of that which pains you and brings you suffering.

 

And when you come across that which he did not find favourable for you because it was from the signs of kufr, ingratitude

 

and shirk, fears and hopes associated with others.

 

And the absence of obedience and the absence of submission to the Commands of Allah and that which was forbidden to you.

 

Despite this;

 

Harsees un: Surely he is eager for your faith and submission and correction of your state because he is

 

Bil Momineen: with the the ones with certainty, the ones who believe in the One-ness of Allah and the ones who are sincere,

 

Rauf-un: Most kind and full of affection,

 

Raheem-un: he feels mercy for them and is well pleased with them due to their coming out from the darkness of the denial of Truth and ingratitude towards the light of faith and submission.

 

I read the translation of one word over and over;

 

Ma annit-tum: of that which pains you and brings you suffering.

 

And when you come across that which he did not find favourable for you because it was from the signs of kufr, ingratitude

 

and shirk, fears and hopes associated with others.

And the absence of obedience and the absence of submission to the Commands of Allah and that which was forbidden to you.

 

On one of my last days on the coast when I was by myself, I went to the beach and just sat on a rock in the sand. I dug my heels into it and stretched and then picking up a pebble, I wrote the words; “Please forget I did it all, Ya Rabbi!”

 

It made me think of the movie Hollywood made in 2004 about the erasing of disturbing memories; Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It was prophetic of course. The idea of erasing that which is regretful is now a scientific possibility, yet another to perverse the nature of things. Mistakes are made and can be forgotten but not erased by like they never happened except by God who changes them to good deeds for whom He wills. Without the acknowledgment on our end, there is no reformation, only a repeat of patterns.

 

Still, on that day, in the sand, I wished for things to be erased.

 

Starting at zero is not a problem in spirituality. Hitting the reset button as many times as possible is actually a good thing. It’s not a moment of despair. It’s not a moment of jubilance either but it still marks movement and the trajectory slopes upwards.

 

But sometimes the acts are disappointing to one’s own self because the consequences of it were seen. They were known. They were told. When despite that, the step is taken, the disobedience marked with such terrible willfulness, that there is a deepness of regret and disappointment that cannot be fathomed.

 

And still, the Mercy of Allah and His Friends is deeper so that even such a dark moment is pierced by light.

 

‘So Iblis said to God Almighty, “Oh my Lord, you wrote in my destiny that I not prostrate and now you order me to do so.”

 

And he was told, “When did you know that I didn’t want you to bow down, after I ordered it or before?

 

For if it was before My Command then even your refusal will not harm you but if it was after, then you and an animal are one and the same.”

 

…The whole span of the soul’s spiritual itinerary is contained within this exchange...’

 

And one sentence let me unhook myself from a place where I wanted to be castigated to no end.

 

For if it was before My Command then even your refusal will not harm you…for I knew what I was doing wrong before I was doing it!

 

Then my trip got delayed. It was a blessing in disguise. I was left alone for a week and I got a chance to write this piece which I otherwise might have never written. I was so ashamed. I was alone for all of seven days. I read. I discovered a river. I took in the sun, dipped my feet in water and stared at rocks beneath it.

 

There was a homeless guy living there that I had met already in town. That was surprising, to run into him there. It gave me the chance to take him fresh food a few times. His name was Sam. Which is short for my niece’s name Sameena and the name I use when waiting in line for something. He was the third homeless man we had met that summer whose name was Sam. My niece was counting.

 

We had met one of them, a young man in his 20s, at a pizza joint in the Pearl. It was a sure spot to find someone to feed. On one such day when we got there I saw a man standing next to a cart the homeless use for their stuff.

 

He was in a lousy mood. He looked surly and kept shouting at this woman with him. She had a cart too. I was a little hesitant to approach him in case he yelled at me too but then walked up to him.

 

“Hey man,” I said softly. “Can I get you something to eat? From this pizza joint?”

 

He paused for a second then said, “Sure.”

 

“What would you like?” I asked, relieved.

 

It’s always pepperoni which always makes me wince but then he wasn’t Muslim. I asked him if the woman who was now on the other side of the street might want something too. She said yes.

 

My niece and I got the food and some drinks and took them over. He smiled and thanked me. He seemed calmer. He gave the other box to the woman even speaking to her nicely. As my niece and I walked away, I said to her, “See Lou, sometimes people just need a break from their hard lives. And when someone is kind to them, they soften just like the man did. In an instant. He was even nice to his friend.”

 

She listened seriously and nodded. I love that about her. I can’t get her to listen to me when I want her to open a book or sleep but when I speak to her about other people and she sees them up close, their reactions, she observes them keenly. I know she observes me keenly.

 

A few times while we were on the coast and in the city, I would tell her to come with me while I looked for someone to give food to. She always said yes. A few times in a row, as I pulled up towards a homeless person I would have to give money to because there was no food around, I would say out loud whilst thinking to myself, “Oh man, I hope they won’t use it for drugs.”

 

On every occasion that I did that, it must have happened at least four times, the person was stone cold sober and super nice. Friendly, grateful, gracious, almost innocent.

 

After the third time she said to me with a chiding tone, “Mony, you keep thinking bad things about the people and they’re always not like that.”

 

I smiled embarrassed, actually glad that she called me out on it.

 

“I know,” I said looking at her in the rear view mirror. “I know Lulu. It’s not nice of me to do that. I don’t even know why I’m doing it.”

 

Then I turned around and with a huge grin on my finger pointing at my skull, I said, “Actually, I do know. I’m sick in the head!”

 

She burst out laughing.

 

Almost always I try to have her carry the food and give it. Take the money from my hand and place it in theirs. I want her to hear the way they express such deep gratitude for the tiniest act. How they always bless us. How they always invoke God. How they never want anything specific. How they never ask for more than is offered. How they express such surprise the offer is made at all. These will be the reasons she will do it all her life when she is older. If there ever was something that will bring her God’s Pleasure at the earliest age possible, it will be this act; pleasing a needy person.

 

In that last week of solitude, I had left my Ipod in Portland in a jacket so I was without music. That meant for drives, I listened to Uzair’s lectures. In one of them he spoke about how no one knew the essence of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) except Allah Alone. It was expressed in a hadith to Hazrat Abu Bakr Siddique (ratu).

 

لم یعلمنی حقیقۃ غیر ربی

 

There is no one who knows my reality except my Lord.

 

Like Allah, he too was a secret that only love for him could unveil.

 

In the lecture, Uzair said that the Companions would eagerly await the Sharia’. They wanted to know what the rules and laws were going to be so they could follow them and become maqbool, those accepted by Allah. But the Sufis say that it was the Sharia’ that waited for Akmal Ar-Rasool, the Prophet who completed Prophet-hood (peace be upon him), to do something so that the act would allow it to take form.

 

Subhan Allah!

 

In those days, I read in Al-Fath Ar Rabbani that there are two types of Masters; the Masters of Jurisprudence (Mashaikh e Sharia’) and the Masters of Recognition of God (Mashakih e Marifat).

 

“The first will bring you to the door of Creation. The second will show you the way towards Allah. You will need to enter both doors; the door of Creation and the door of The Creator. Without going through the first one, you will not even see the second.

 

Take the world out of your heart so entry into the Afterlife is bestowed to you. These are ranks one after the other and they are diametrically opposite to each other. Dependence on creation is the opposite of Recognition of God. They will never co-exist and you will get neither. Unless the heart is empty of all, you are leaving an idol in it. Break the idols, purify the heart and then you will see that which you have never seen.”

 

Uzair explained the exact same thing in a lecture in a single sentence by Imam Malik, one of the four Masters of Jurisprudence, Fiqh which is “the science of understanding and ascertaining the precise terms and practices of the Sharia’ in Islam.”

 

من تفقه ولم يتصوف فقد تفسق

ومن تصوف ولم يتفقه فقد تزندق

ومن جمع بينهما فقد تحقق

 

The one who follows Fiqh, Islamic Jurisprudence, but does not purify the heart,

so indeed he becomes of the defiantly disobedient.

The one who purifies the heart and ignores the laws of Jurisprudence,

he becomes a disbeliever.

And the one who gathers them both, indeed he attains certainty and arrives at the truth.

 

As someone who knows little about Islamic Jurisprudence and only hears negative things about it in Pakistan because they are all not do-able for the mod squad, I was amazed at the words the Imam used. Without Sharia’, I would become a heretic? It was stunning. And the one who thought they were following every law to the tee but left tasawuff, spirituality as taught by the Sufis who taught one how to purify the heart, out was in fact the one who would become disobedient. A fasiq, like Iblis!

 

The curve balls that life throws at you will never end. I guess if they did then where would the growth come from. Only in my regression do I remember how deeply imperfect I am. Otherwise to be honest, my life in Lahore, is like I live in a cave. I wish it was a cave. And I was like the Ashab e Kahf.

 

“Make yourself like a corpse before your Lord,” Ghaus Pak (ra) says. “Like a corpse is in the hands of the one who bathes it.

Turns it left and turns it right. Without existence, without planning, without choice. Stand with faith and certainty before that which comes to you from Him. The only thing that remains in the face of taqdeer, that which has been ordained for you, is Imaan, faith.

 

Close the doors of asking people and open the door of only asking God. Remember that if Allah wants creation to being harm upon you, they will bring you harm. And if He wants them to bring you benefit, only then will they benefit you. For their hearts are working according to His Will and He will make them hard or soft. He gives life and gives death. He gives or not gives. He grants you respect and He gives to you humiliation. He gives you illness and He gives you health. He gives you nourishment and He leaves you to be hungry. He is The First and The Last and The Overt and The Hidden!”

 

Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) says that there is a way to everything and the way to Paradise is ilm, knowledge. The Sufis say that the only Paradise is proximity to his person. It is what every single thing in creation asked for of him when they had the opportunity to present that ask; mountains, trees, animals (of this realm and the others), humans. And when it comes to the pursuit of knowledge, in the Quran lie the keys that Allah refers to in the verse;

 

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ

قَدْ جَآءَتْكُم مَّوْعِظَةٌ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَشِفَآءٌ لِّمَا فِى ٱلصُّدُور

وَهُدًى وَرَحْمَةٌ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ

 

O Mankind!

Verily has come to you an instruction from your Lord, and a healing for what (ill) is in your breasts, and guidance and mercy for the believers.

Surah Yunus, Verse 57

 

“So it is upon you to take warning and obey its commands. And ponder upon its secrets and its signs and deeply consider its keys and how it dawns upon you, until you unveil from it according to your capacity and capability to explore it.”

 

Nabi Pak (peace be upon him) said in the most well known hadith;

 

اَنَا مَدِيْنَةُ الْعِلْمِ وَ عَلِيٌ بَابُهَا

فَمَنْ اَرَادَ الْعِلْمَ فَلْیَاْتِهَا مِنْ بَابِهَا

 

“I am the city of knowledge and Ali is the door to enter it

so the one who desires knowledge should come through this door.”

 

The Imam is the door that all Spiritual Masters and spirituality stands at the foot of!

 

In that last week, I went to the river I had found again and again. The second time I went, even Sam wasn’t there. I had seen him cycling into town on the highway and turned the car around to get to the other side to say hi. I had gotten him a sandwich and it was meat so if I hadn’t seen him, it would have gone to waste. Or at least eaten cold by someone hours later.

 

On the way to the river, I saw a man with an extremely old truck pulled over on the side of the one lane highway that went towards Portland. He had jumper cables in his hand so clearly his battery was dead. As I zipped passed him I wondered if someone would actually stop to help him. It was a sunny Sunday. People were either coming to the coast in droves or leaving to get back to the city early.

 

I turned the car around and went back to where he was. I brought the car to face him so my engine was in front of his.

 

Stepping out of the car I said, “Hey man! I don’t know anything about how to do it but if you want to use my battery,” and I opened the hood, “here it is.”

 

He lifted it but neither of us could find the lever that would hold the bonnet up. He asked me to start his car while he fiddled with something in his engine but it didn’t start. There was a little dog running around and the truck was filled with bags. It looked like he was living in it.

 

“It’s ok,” he said finally giving up and instead asked, “Can you give me a lift to my camp site?”

 

“Ummmm,” the usual thought emerged from my mental head, my germophobe OCD kicking in. I just stared him for long enough that he said, not begrudgingly at all. “It’s alright.

Someone else will come along.”

 

“Will they?” my heart asked me. It was like I froze and just stood there.

 

“I got the shot,” he said possibly thinking my hesitation was rooted in being scared because of COVID.

 

“Shot?” I echoed, then thought Oh, Pfizer!

 

“Yeah,” I remarked. “I don’t really care about that man.”

It was true. I was still sailing on the “jiss to hona hai uss to hona hai” boat because that’s exactly how I was seeing it play out. Totally randomly! Plus he seemed more concerned about my well-being than some of my friends who were vaccinated & had clearly lost their minds living in seclusion for too many months in their homes.

 

I went and sat in my car but didn’t turn the engine on to leave. After a couple of minutes of working my way through my paranoia, knowing I was being an ass, I spoke.

 

“You know what,” finally the words came out, “I’ll drop you at your site. Where did you say it was again?”

 

“Four miles down the road,” he said. “I just have my bags and food and ice-box,” he said walking to the back of his truck.

 

I piled his stuff in the trunk of the jeep. The man got into the car and we started speaking. He told me he lived in South East Portland but was thinking of coming to the coast. He camped there every summer for a couple of months. It wasn’t the first time he had car trouble.

 

Then for some reason he mentioned he had been in and out of jail his whole life.

 

“Oh,” I said with deep sympathy. “Why?”

 

“DUIs,” he said. And I realized he was a little inebriated even now.

 

Exactly four miles out came his spot. He got out and I helped him with the bags. I even offered to take them to the site but he declined. He was probably in his 50s. My age. But he looked older as poor people do.

 

I went back to the river and walked over to where Sam lived. There was a campfire, a sleeping bag, a log that served as a pillow and to lean his back on. There was a jar of coffee, some cocoa, some other bag that looked like it had ziplocks in it. That’s it.

 

The log that was the pillow reminded me of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him). He had a rock that was a pillow. He chose to rest his head on it.

 

On the coast the day could be very sunny but the nights were always cold. And it was still August. What did Sam do in the winter, I thought? What did any homeless person do?

 

The whole thing reminded me of Huzoor Nizam Pak (ra) again, who was bestowed the title Mehbooh e Ilahi, the one beloved to God. I had quoted the story often in my writings. His not eating any delicious and being asked about it.

 

Mehboob e Ilahi (ra) had softly replied, “I do and I know I can whenever I want. But then when such food is placed before me, I can’t stop thinking about the ones who roam the Earth hungry and homeless, forgotten by the world and I can’t bring myself to swallow a single bite.”

 

Luckily I was able to see Sam one more time. I got everything I could think he might need and brought my niece. She had met him once and loved talking to him. He was so gentle.

 

That last afternoon we sat and talked a lot together. He told us he liked drawing the pictures he saw in stars. One of them he called The King of Angels.

 

"Maybe its Gabriel (as)," I said.

 

He nodded. "Maybe it is."

 

Then he told us how he had been picking nails and pointy stones off roads so that they would not hurt anyone.

 

"I think I got lucky because of that," he said thoughtfully looking at the ground. "Cause I have been eating some good food lately."

 

I was dying to tell him of the hadith of Nabi Kareem (saw) about the exact act - “While a man was walking in the road, he found a thorny branch in the road and he moved it aside. Allah appreciated his deed and forgave him” - but just looked at him. Then when we got up to leave, he got up too and hugged us both.

 

"Thank you for being my friends," he said.

 

As I turned away, i started crying. I was so sad to say bye. My niece followed me. Seeing my wipe my eyes, she placed her little hand softly on my shoulder, "It's ok Mony," she said her eyes wet. "Maybe you'll see him again soon."

 

We waded in the water some more then went home. That was how the coast trip ended.

 

In the end I left my brother with nothing really changed between us but on the last day he was soft too. But I already knew, the ordinary never really change anyone anyway, except perhaps momentarily. What they do is make an offering of love. If accepted it is light that penetrates darkness for as long as the other wants it to. That’s about it. But love is the only opening. That opening came for me this summer in a verse, in my silence, in some tears and in the moon.

 

The truth is it comes for anyone who longs for it. All kinds of prayers can be denied or remain unanswered, almost always because, for some reason or another, they’re the wrong ask anyway, but I have found that love from those connected to God is an absolute sure thing. They never abandon you.

 

I will be ending the trip without that halo on my head, that’s for sure. Instead I leave reaching a different goal that my ego never even imagined; being the worst of all. It doesn’t sound like something to be happy about per se but it is. For it ensures one thing; the silence that was so hard for me to practice might become easier. On the Day of Judgment, all the Prophets will decline the people’s requests to intercede for them before Allah because of a single mistake they made in a lifetime. And they didn’t even have free will!

 

I didn’t know I had idols in my heart in Lahore. I had to come to another country to see them. As disturbing as that vision was, it presented an opportunity for me to shatter them. With them, I had to shatter too. Deeds will have to begin from zero again. And who knows maybe this time round, they will finally be soaked in sincerity.

 

“Strive to attain certainty for verily you have attained to faith,

repent and express that you are sorry and regret,

and weep tears that stream down your cheeks,

for this crying in the fear of disappointing Allah douses the fires of your sins

and extinguishes His Wrath.

When your heart truly atones, then without doubt,

the nur, light, of the sincere repentance will appear upon your face

making it lit!

Ghaus Pak

Done