the 27th

The Dying of Will

 

Tafseer e Tustari: "Hazrat Sahl (ra) was [then] asked about a man who repents and renounces a certain sin, but then it occurs to his heart, or he sees it or hears of it and finds sweetness in that vile sin. What is to be done in such a case?

 

He replied: The feeling of sweetness pertains to [his] nature (ṭabʿ) and is not susceptible of change, such that a thing which is loved could become something detestable.

 

However, the heart’s determination can be coerced so that he can return to God, Mighty and Majestic is He, and place his dilemma before Him. Then he should force on himself and on his heart a state of rejection [of that sin] which should never leave him, for if he becomes inattentive to that state of rejection for just the blinking of the eye, it is to be feared that he will not remain safe from it."

 

Ramzan! The month Allah calls His Own. When Satan is shackled and the nafs is bound, at least superficially, through fasting. My routine per instruction from Qari Sahib was set; Reading the Quran as much as possible. My intention was to write one piece for the month.

 

The choice of topic was spectacular; the Quran. I had collected a gazillion gems for it from different lectures by Uzair. I wanted to post it on the 27th night, Laila tul Qadr. The night that the first verse was revealed upon the heart of the Beloved (peace be upon him) in the Cave of Hira where he went to meditate for years and where his beloved wife, Bibi Khadija (ratu) brought him his food.

 

عَنْ أَبِي هُرَيْرَةَ رضي الله عنه قَالَ: أَتَي جِبْرِيْلُ النَّبِيَّ صلي الله عليه وآله وسلم

فَقَالَ : يَا رَسُوْلَ اﷲِ، هَذِهِ خَدِيْجَةُ قَد أَتَتْ مَعَهَا إِنَاءٌ فِيْهِ إِدَامٌ أَوْ طَعَامٌ أَوْ شَرَابٌ،

فَإِذَا هِيَ أَتَتْکَ فَاقْرَأْ عَلَيْهَا السَّلْامَ مِنْ رَّبِّهَا وَمِنِّي،

وَ بَشِّرْهَا بِبَيْتٍ فِي الْجَنَّةِ مِنْ قَصَبٍ، لَا صَخَبَ فِيْهِ وَلَا نَصَبَ

 

As narrated by Hazrat Abu Huraira (ratu):

Hazrat Gibrael (as) came to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and said, “Ya Rasool Allah (peace be upon you)!

This is Khadija (ratu) who is bringing with her a bowl with soup or food or drink.

When she comes to you, say to her that her Lord God sends upon her Salam and so do I and give her glad tidings of a palace in Paradise wherein there will be no noise or any fatigue.”

 

I honed in on the words “noise and fatigue” and how they were the harbingers of difficulty in the world.

 

The incident of the revelation in recorded in the following manner in Fatih ul Bari ;

 

Begin excerpt “The Softest Heart”

 

أَنَّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ:

أَتَانِي جِبْرِيلُ بِنَمَطٍ مِنْ دِيبَاجٍ فِيهِ كِتَابٌ قَالَ اقْرَأْ

قُلْتُ: مَا أَنَا بِقَارِئ

 

Said the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), “Gibrael came to me with a book placed on a sheet of silk, and said, ‘Read!’

 

I said, “I do not have a reader.”

 

It is true that as soon as the Quran was recited by the Prophet of God (peace be upon him) in front of the Kuffar who felt spellbound by its beauty, the first accusation they leveled against him was that he was a poet, then that he was a magician, then that he was Majnun.

 

ن ۚ وَالْقَلَمِ وَمَا يَسْطُرُونَ

مَا أَنتَ بِنِعْمَةِ رَبِّكَ بِمَجْنُونٍ

وَإِنَّ لَكَ لَأَجْرًا غَيْرَ مَمْنُونٍ

وَإِنَّكَ لَعَلَىٰ خُلُقٍ عَظِيمٍ

بِأَييِّكُمُ الْمَفْتُونُ فَسَتُبْصِرُ وَيُبْصِرُونَ

 

Nun. (I swear) by the pen, and all that which they write (therewith)! You are not, by your Sustainer's grace, a madman! And, verily, yours shall be a reward never ending.

And you (stand) on an exalted standard of character. And (one day) you will see, and they (who now deride you) shall see which of you is afflicted with madness.

Surah Al Qalam, Verses 1-4

 

The most common understanding of the incident of the first revelation to the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) is different from what I have written above.

 

It is that when Hazrat Gibrael (as) came to him and said, “Iqra,”

 

“Read,” he replied, “I cannot read” as opposed to “I do not have a reader.”

 

After the dialogue repeating thrice, Hazrat Gibrael (as) said:

 

اقْرَأ باسم رَبك

 

“Read in the Name of your Lord God.”

 

People have never understood why the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) was an Ummi,’ the one who does not read or write. They don’t understand that the God who can do anything, if He chooses to make His Beloved (peace be upon him), the manifestation of perfection, then there has to be a significant reason behind it. The trite explanation for this that I have seen is that he didn’t read or write so that when he would reveal the Quran to the Meccans, he would not be accused of writing it himself. But he was accused of thinking it up himself regardless so what’s the difference?

 

Pir Naseeruddin Naseer (ra) offers another explanation for why the Prophet (peace be upon him) is created as Ummi’ by God:

 

God makes His Last Messenger (peace be upon him) share His own Sunnah (habit/actions): God also does not read, He has others do it for Him. He does not write, others do it for Him. He wanted the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), the one who he created in His Image more than anyone else, to share that attribute with Him.

 

It’s a very subtle point that only a certain kind of mind can appreciate. Personally I love it! It reminds me of a line of a couplet of Jigar Muradabadi.

 

میری کیا مجال جو دخل دوں ، میں کسی کے راز ونیاز میں

 

Who am I to interfere in His Secrets and His Bestowing, how much to whom?

 

Another Sufi thought that I heard behind why the one who possesses all the knowledge and wisdom of the Universe since its Creation does not write is that it is simply a matter of love. If The Beloved (peace be upon him) did write, what he would write most is the word “Allah.” Since the pen would be above and the word written below it, it was not acceptable again in the realm of adab, regard.

 

Later in the year, I would read in the Tafseer e Jilani the explanation for the verse in which Allah Ar-Rafi’, The Elevating One, says to His Prophet (peace be upon him):

 

سَنُقْرِئُكَ فَلَا تَنسَىٰ

 

We shall teach you, O Muhammad (peace be upon you) and you will not forget (of what you have been taught).

Surah Al-A’la, Verse 6

 

Tafseer e Jilani: We will make you from Ourself a reader who watches and reads Our Revelations and Inspirations even though you are an Ummi’ for I created you to be above the norms of reading and writing. So you will memorize and safeguard all of it and you will express your gratitude continuously for it so that there will never be any lessening or addition or alteration to it.

 

End excerpt “The Softest Heart”

 

In any case, those who think of the angel Gibrael (as) as the Prophet’s (peace be upon him) teacher have not read the following hadith again invoking the same verse.

 

سَنُقْرِئُكَ فَلَا تَنسَىٰ

 

We shall teach you, O Muhammad (peace be upon you)

and you will not forget (of what you have been taught).

Surah Al-A’la, Verse 6

 

 

The exegesis of the verse in the Tafseer Ruh Al Bayan is as follows: When Gibrael (as) came to the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) with the verse of Surah Maryam and recited it, (the first verse being four letters of the Arabic language);

 

كهيعص

 

Kaf, Ha, Ya, 'Ayn, Sad.

Surah Maryam, Verse 1

 

the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I know its meaning and intent.”

 

Gibrael (as) said, “Kaaf.”

 

The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I know its meaning and intent.”

 

Gibrael (as) said, “Haa.”

 

The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I know its meaning and intent.”

 

Gibrael (as) said, “Yaa.”

 

The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I know its meaning and intent.”

 

Gibrael (as) said, “‘Ain.”

 

The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I know its meaning and intent.”

 

Gibrael (as) said, “Suaad.”

The Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) said, “I know its meaning and intent.”

 

Gibrael (as) said, “O Prophet of Allah (peace be upon you)! What majesty is this? I myself don't know the meaning of this and you know it.”

 

But nothing I had planned for the month came to pass. For starters Qari Sahib got Corona. That alone sent me into a tailspin. My ablutions became more intense. I couldn’t write anything. He is the one who helps me with my references. I need the original text which is in Arabic or Urdu books in his online archive. Then I always need to study and translate the tafaseer with him.

 

The second happening that threw a wrench into the desire of worship was my building outdoor table tennis tables in a local park in Lahore. It wasn’t just any park either. It was the Kohinoor of all 800 parks in the city; Bagh e Jinnah. I had pitched the idea to the PHA (Parks and Horticultural Authority) on April 10th. They had been extremely enthusiastic about it. Two weeks later on the 27th I presented them with my plan and another two weeks later, a day after Ramzan started, we broke ground.

 

I went to the site every day at 7:30 am and stayed there for hours. I didn’t know the first thing about construction so my input was zero. I sat there like a dummy. The contractor and other workers would say, “Baji, go home” but I stayed. I don’t know why. I felt like I should be there. It felt hotter because of the fast but the heat wasn’t unbearable. I don’t mind heat. If I was an animal I would be a camel. Still, by the time I got home in the afternoon I was exhausted. I would collapse on my bed with alarms ringing an hour later for other stuff I had to do. For the first time in years I barely had time to even check email once a day.

 

For the next three weeks, I was deeply immersed in all things worldly. I joked with a friend of mine that I didn’t have a single experience at the site that motivated me to write even a sentence. Otherwise if I traveled anywhere for just a weekend, a story emerged from within me. The whole experience was physically arduous. But the real test of the month was spiritual and it came totally out of the blue.

 

The best I can explain what happened is this; a ghost from my past appeared. That’s all it was; an apparition. I was supposed to stay still. That was the test, my reaction was being watched. Instead of remaining where I was and letting destiny play itself out, caving to impulse, I ran towards it and all hell broke loose. Maulana (ra) writes about it perfectly;

 

What you seek is seeking you.

 

When I run after what I believe I want,

my days are a furnace of stress and tension.

 

But if I sit in my own place of patience,

what I need flows to me itself, without any pain.

 

From this I understand that

what I am seeking is also seeking me

is looking for me and attracting me.

 

There is a great (Divine) Secret here

for those who can comprehend it.

 

The weird thing is I had successfully applied the principle in the past. Usually I waited and watched. Precisely because of the poem and obeying the instruction given in it in no uncertain terms. But for some reason my zahir and batin, overt and inner beings, were in acute separation.

 

In all my writing for years I have been using the words zahir and batin without knowing exactly what they meant. My understanding of the two words was limited to the zahir being my superficial intention and the batin my deeper, real intention. The first could sometimes be falsehood but the latter was always the truth. The first was rooted in the nafs, the latter in the qalb, the seat of recognition of God in the heart.

 

Since they were never aligned, I felt the dichotomy between them when nothing went according to expectation. I thought I would be doing things for one reason but they would be for entirely another! This time they were moving in polar opposite directions, ripping me apart in the process.

 

I had recently come across the definitions of both words from Hazrat Najmuddin Qubra (ra), an honored disciple of Ghaus Pak (ra) in the Tafseer e Jilani;

 

“Know that for each thing that exists in the Universe there is a zahir and a batin.

 

The different forms of zahir: Sometimes it is the jism, a mass, because it has a length and a width and a height so it takes space and can be split into parts. Sometimes zahir is the duniya, the world, because it comes from the root donow, which means becoming near. Therefore the world is called duniya because it is near ehsaas, our feelings.

 

Sometimes zahir is the surat, the face, because it has a form and it can be felt through the five senses. Sometimes zahir is the shahadat, witnessing, because through it something can be testified to. Sometimes zahir can be mulk, a kingdom, because it comes in an ownership and it can be controlled and made subordinate.

 

The different forms of batin: The batin of each and every thing is sometimes called roohaniyat, spirituality, because it has no length, width and depth that takes space and splits into parts. Sometimes batin is called akhirat, because akhirat means that which comes after. In terms of sensing something, the inner (batin) becomes known after the overt (zahir), hence batin is called that which comes in the end.

 

Sometimes batin is called ma’ana, essence or reality, because it does not have an apparent form and it cannot be felt physically. Sometimes it is called ghaib, unseen, because it is absent for the overt senses. Sometimes it is called malakut, the kingdom where there is no possession or control, but it is connected with the outer world.”

 

As soon as I ran after what I believed I wanted, my days became “a furnace of stress and tension.” And I knew exactly why. Prior to taking the misstep, I had done an istakahara to know how to behave in the situation and the verse that had come for me was this;

 

وَإِذَا قَرَأْتَ الْقُرْآنَ جَعَلْنَا بَيْنَكَ وَبَيْنَ الَّذِينَ لَا يُؤْمِنُونَ بِالْآخِرَةِ حِجَابًا مَّسْتُورً

 

And when you recite the Quran, We place between you and between those who (do) not believe in the Hereafter a veil hidden.

Surah Al-Isra’, Verse 45

 

In the tafseer of the verse I read that Allah is saying that sometimes Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) would be so deeply engrossed in reading the Quran, delving in its depths, searching for the pearls of benefits in Divine Commands, that he would forget about safeguarding himself from harm. Then Allah would, in order to protect him, from those who do not believe in the Afterlife, place a thick barrier between them and him as a veil. They would not be able to see him through that veil and therefore became unable to do him harm.

 

The only part of the verse that I felt was for me was the "veil." Allah had veiled me but in following my desire, I had ripped what was protecting me and exposed myself to a nightmare. For what, one might wonder? Nothing! Because when I did finally reach what I was chasing, it was literally nothing. The apparition disappeared like it was never even there but by then the veil was gone and for the first time in my life after decades, I felt alone. It was devastating because I live my life alone and have for a long time. But this was something else.

 

After that feeling came the real fruit of my disobedience; bitterness. I have been wayward most of my life yet never felt bitter. Or even felt punished. I realized then the difference was because in those days I was in the category of those who didn’t mean to be defiant.

 

ٱلَّذِينَ يَجْتَنِبُونَ كَبَـٰٓئِرَ ٱلْإِثْمِ وَٱلْفَوَٰحِشَ إِلَّا ٱللَّمَمَ ۚ

إِنَّ رَبَّكَ وَٰسِعُ ٱلْمَغْفِرَةِ ۚ

هُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِكُمْ إِذْ أَنشَأَكُم مِّنَ ٱلْأَرْضِ وَإِذْ أَنتُمْ أَجِنَّةٌ فِى بُطُونِ أُمَّهَـٰتِكُمْ ۖ

فَلَا تُزَكُّوٓا۟ أَنفُسَكُمْ ۖ

هُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِمَنِ ٱتَّقَىٰٓ

 

Those who avoid major sins and indecencies, except for minor lapses excepted.

Indeed, your Lord’s Forgiveness is vast.

He knows you well, ever since He created you from the earth and ever since you were embryos in your mothers’ wombs. So do not attest to your own virtues. He knows best as to who is conscious of Him.

Surah An-Najm, Verse 32

 

But knowing something, following it and then being disobedient, striving towards closeness with God and then turning away from Him, that had consequences unforeseen.

 

One might then ask, “So what is bitterness like?”

 

For me it was two things. First I became unable to be happy for someone else. Even when what happened to them was something I myself had wished for them for ages. Like this one friend of mine who called me and said there was shift in her marriage. For the better. After a decade of misery and anger flung around the house, trapping the spouses and the children in its ugly vortex. My reaction to the news was totally muted.

 

It was so unlike me I noticed it immediately. I didn’t say one positive thing to her. All that left my mouth was “You know you could have done this sooner.” And perhaps more strictly, “Obedience is the prerequisite for guidance” which is a fact but there was no need to say it. It was such a happy occasion. Instead of laughing with her about it and congratulating her, I was numb. Caught up in my feelings of misery. I was too busy gouging my soul.

 

روی نفس مطمئنه در جسد

زخم ناخنهای فکرت میکشد

 

Like nails, evil thoughts scratch the face of the Nafs e Mutmainna, your soul.

 

فکرت بد ناخن پر زهر دان

میخراشد در تعمق روی جان

 

Know that your wicked thoughts are as if dipped in poison.

Delving into them deeper only damages the face of the soul more.

 

I wonder if the reverse applied. Does bitterness prevent one from being able to feel another person’s sadness as well?

 

The other manifestation of the feeling for me was the appearance of badgumani, a word I had been unfamiliar with personally here to forth. It loosely translates as misunderstanding. For me it was the insertion of paranoia into my own heart by my own self, sowing seeds of mistrust and doubt about the sincerity of another person. Except when bitterness prevails, then the badgumani starts applying to everyone.

 

I have been on the receiving end of the emotion but not felt the emotion myself. Or if I had I couldn’t remember when it last happened. Without question, distrust is one of the heaviest, most negative feelings in the world. Being suspicious about others, second guessing their motive and intention, the whole thing was exhausting, both physically and mentally.

 

Taking that one step on my own made me feel more alone than when members of my family died in succession within months of each other. Because then I was under that veil. Difficulty ceased to exist or was always bearable. Then it would always pass.

 

In these days, I was reading Surah Al-An’am when I got the chance. When I reached the end, I came across a line that explained what was happening.

 

قُلْ أَغَيْرَ اللَّهِ أَبْغِي رَبًّا

وَهُوَ رَبُّ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ

وَهُوَ رَبُّ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ وَلَا تَكْسِبُ كُلُّ نَفْسٍ إِلَّا عَلَيْهَا

 

Say, “Why would I look for a lord other than God when He is the Lord of all things?”

Each soul is responsible for its own actions and no one bearer of burdens will bear the burdens of another.

Surah Al-An’am, Verse 164

 

Hazrat Najumiddin Kubra (ra) in the Tafseer e Jilani; “O you who is unaware! Why would I want anyone other than Allah when He is my Beloved and the lover never wants anyone else except their beloved. If the lover happens then to desire anything other, then Allah is still the Lord of each thing. When the Lord is mine, then the thing is also mine. Whereas if I embrace anyone or anything other than Him, I will never attain it. Even if I gain some goodness from it, it will eventually become a difficulty upon me.”

 

Subhan Allah!

 

Even when I wasn’t religious I had a relationship with Allah in which He protected me. Now when I look back at the hardest times, I see how I brought them all upon myself. But then I didn’t know how to behave. My E.Q. was zero. I was all bravado caught up in a repetition of patterns that continually deepened the grooves of my dysfunction.

 

I can’t say that through this experience I didn’t gain wisdom. Confucius’ promise finally came true; Wisdom can be gained through experience, as opposed to emulation which is easy or reflection, hard, but only with bitterness. I had never chosen “experience” before. I focus all my attention on the stress-free route; emulation.

 

Tafseer e Tustari: "Sahl (ra) was asked about the words of the Prophet , ‘Seeking knowledge is an obligation (farīḍa) for every Muslim’.

 

He said, ‘This refers to the knowledge of [one’s] state (ḥāl).’

 

He was asked, ‘What is the knowledge of [one’s] state?’

 

He replied: 'Inwardly it is sincerity (ikhlāṣ) and outwardly it is emulation (iqtidāʾ). Moreover, unless a person’s outward [self] (ẓāhir) is leading his inner [self] (bāṭin), and his inner self is the perfection (kamāl) of his outward self, he will merely be fatiguing his body.'"

 

I related to a friend of mine my experience of the week. She looked at me amazed.

 

“It sounds like magic.”

 

I didn’t understand what she meant.

 

“Magic?”

 

“Yes. For all that to happen in days. For you to realize what was happening so quickly. People live in that state for so long.”

 

I pondered upon her words. Then I realized at least one reason why I had been so quick to understand what was going on. At the end of the day what saved me was that I’m a wuss, an emotional weakling. I cannot bear or sustain emotional pressure for very long. I think it runs in my family.

 

My mother had weak nerves. She was prone to nervous breakdowns from a young age. She couldn’t sustain emotional pressure at all. Maybe that’s why she was married thrice during a time when a single divorce carried heavy stigma in society. Even her family, her father and brother, despite being from an extremely conservative feudal background, never forced her to stay in a situation that was unhappy for her. That made a huge impact on my life in terms of moulding my personal outlook. In my relationships, if I felt lovelessness making roots, I had no choice but to exit. Long-term facades were not happening for me.

 

In this case, my bitterness and badgumaani, my silent reproach, didn’t last more than four days. It was by far the worst four days of my life. Worse than the times I felt intense depression and couldn’t get out of bed for weeks. Because that was more self-pity than anything else. There was little recognition, much less admission, of any personal transgression.

 

This trial ended because I couldn’t stop crying about what I had done wrong. There it was again appearing as the savior; repentance. Who would have thought just feeling truly badly about doing something brought with it the heavenly ease of salvation.

 

I was reminded that one of Iblis’ favourite tactics of misguiding is not letting people admit their error and instead just buckling down obstinately on their position. I had heard a story in one of Uzair’s lectures that once Iblis came to Pharoah and said to him, “What is it that you think you have come to possess that you have claimed to be god? I have immeasurable knowledge and much more power than you but never have I even thought to make such a claim.”

 

His words alarmed Pharoah. He thought about it in the night and made a decision. The next day when Iblis came he said to him, “I have decided that I will continue everything as is. Do whatever I wish to whoever I want. But I will no longer call myself god.”

 

Iblis looked at him sorrowfully and said, “I think it’s too late for such a reversal. If you now say that, you will lose much more than your credibility. If I were you, I would now just continue as you have been.”

 

Strangely enough, a lot of clerics have the same attitude as well. I know of people who went to many in Lahore, one after another, looking for redemption, seeking forgiveness, wanting to express repentance, explore change and instead were told that it was too late. They were older in years so they heard the same thing Iblis said to Pharoah. “You're too far gone. You may as well just stay as you are.”

 

I recalled a hadith which I have otherwise only focused on again and again in my writing because of the first part; controlling the tongue. But there it was; redemption and deliverance lay in crying in recognition of a mistake.

 

عَنْ عُقْبَةَ بْنِ عَامِرٍ، قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ قُلْتُ:‏‏‏‏ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ،‏‏‏‏ مَا النَّجَاةُ؟

قَالَ:‏‏‏‏ أَمْسِكْ عَلَيْكَ لِسَانَكَ وَلْيَسَعْكَ بَيْتُكَ وَابْكِ عَلَى خَطِيئَتِكَ

 

As narrated by Hazrat Uqba Bin Amir (ratu):

 

I asked, ”Ya Rasool Allah (peace be upon you)! Where lies salvation?”

 

He replied, “Keep your tongue in control, have your home capable of holding you and shed tears upon your mistakes.”

 

Then I remembered the line I had used in the video I had made for Maulana (ra) from the Masnavi;

 

تا نگرید ابر کے خندد چمن

تا نگرید طفل کے جوشد لبن

 

Till rain doesn’t fall from the clouds, the deadness of the earth remains.

Till the child doesn’t cry, the mother doesn’t nurse it.

 

گفت "ولیبکوا کثیرا " گوش دار

تا بریزد شیر فضل کردگار

 

And remember that Allah said, “they should weep a lot,”

so that the Mercy of God is showered upon them.

 

My test really ended when I wrote a letter to God. I told Him that I felt like I had been in a boat by myself, sailing blissfully through an ocean calm, then rowed myself into a vortex voluntarily. Now I needed help to get out of it because I was drowning with no end in sight. I wasn’t alive and I wasn’t dead. I wept and wept and invoked Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) asking for forgiveness for the sake of His Beloved. That is when feeling of being distraught dissipated and I felt calm.

 

And thus I returned under the veil. I started feeling like myself again. The hardness of my heart cracked. I wrote to my friend whose marriage was changing and told her how elated I was for her. I felt happy. I sang out loud and twirled around in my room.

 

In the days after when someone I loved disappointed me, I noticed my reaction became different. Before I would be irritated for sure, even if I was able to exercise silence and not react. My heart thought badly of them because what they did was unprovoked and clearly unfair.

 

Now, though, having taken a ride on the train that they were spending most of their time on in their present, I didn’t think of them negatively. I would just stare at them and think how it was exactly like how I had been feeling and behaving. Perhaps there was no other way for me to soften my stance towards them without being exactly the same as them.

 

Later I thought about what happened deeply. I wondered why I had regressed so badly after so long. After all that blissful while that I had sat in my place of not wanting anything and seeing what I needed flow to me. A thought occurred to me. I had been brandishing my latest video as my “masterpiece.” There was a line in it that went a little something like this; whatever you pursue and make your destiny, the striving for it will not let you have any peace in your life.

 

No wonder Nabi Pak (peace be upon him) and all the Auliya Karam in his emulation, prayed fervently for their free will to be taken from them forever.

 

اللَّهُمَّ رَحْمَتَكَ أَرْجُو فَلَا تَكِلْنِي إِلَى نَفْسِي طَرْفَةَ عَيْنٍ

وَأَصْلِحْ لِي شَأْنِي كُلَّهُ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَا أَنْتَ

 

The most honored Prophet of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “O Allah, it is Your mercy that I hope for so do not leave me in charge of my affairs even for a blink of an eye and rectify for me all of my affairs.

None has the right to be worshiped except You.

 

Even for a blink of an eye!

 

I wondered with sadness what would happen to the ensuing generations who can’t seem do anything except what they want, when they want, impatient for full charge of their affairs as early as possible.

 

The “veil” I keep referring to is in fact the prize of surrendering one’s free will. Submerging one’s wishes into the irada, Will, of Allah and following that lead.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) in Al-Fath Ar-Rabbani; “When the possibility of rejecting destiny, changing it, erasing it, going against it doesn’t exist, then why do you make a will contradicting Allah’s Will? When only that reaches you which He wills, then you should not want anything at all yourself. And when that cannot happen which He does not wish for you, then don’t put your nafs and your qalb, your self and your heart within the heart, in baseless difficulty by desiring it.

 

Surrender everything to your Lord. Turn your focus towards Him and with the hand of repentance hold on to His Mercy. Then you will always be in the state when bearing all the hardships of the world will become easy. Leaving desires and lusts will become easy and you will not complain about it and you will not be stung by it.”

 

I guess in that state then it doesn’t matter what comes one’s way. If it is happiness one is grateful. If it’s sadness, one is patient while not thinking of the ordeal as difficult and not wanting it to end. And if it happens to be humiliation, then even that has its upside most supreme.

 

Hazrat Bayazid Bastami (ra) sought His Lord for 40 years.

 

“I tried everything I knew to find My Lord but I did not find Him. Finally one night, during Tahajjud, I went into sajda (prostration) and continuously wept. And I said to Him;

 

ما وجدت شياء يتقرب به اليه تعالى إذ رأيت كل نعمت يتقرب به للا لوهية فيه مدخل

 

“I did not find anything that drew me closer to my Lord when I saw that all blessings that create closeness to Allah have, in them, some distortion."

 

فقلت يا رب بماذا أتقرب إليك؟

 

So I said, “O Lord! By what do I come closer to You?”

 

That night was the first time I heard The Voice and He said to me;

 

تقرب الي بما ليس لي

 

“Come towards Me with that which is not Mine and not for Me.”

 

I was astonished by the words and I asked;

 

ما الذي ليس لك يا رب

 

“What is there in this Universe that is not You and not for You?”

 

He said;

 

الذلة و الافتقار

 

“Humiliation and humility."

 

When I first heard the story I couldn’t get over the first word; humiliation. But there is a difference between humiliation borne for the self and the zillat borne for Allah’s Sake. In the first, which is part of everyone’s life in one relationship or another, there is martyrdom, then self-righteousness and almost always a limit of tolerance.

 

When crossed one explodes and retreats, sometimes forever. Or stays and repeats the cycle becoming even harder than before. In the second, there is surrender to Divine Will and therefore infinite patience even when the pain is intense. That is gifted for the chosen few who know that the source of all things is only God.

 

I learnt from Ghaus Pak (ra) the reason to lend understanding to anyone who is overtly doing something wrong.

 

“For example, when you see someone who doesn’t pray, then you tell them to do so because it is the command of the Sharia’ but understand that in the Knowledge of Allah, if the person had been written as a Namazi, the one who says their prayers, then for sure they would have done so. But they are ma’zoor i.e. they are excused because no one has the ability to go against their taqdeer, their ordained destiny.

 

So in this way, when they were not able to listen and obey to advice and orders and instruction, whether it was given gently or firmly, then in the rank of your own knowledge, know that they are ma’zoor, not accepting guidance, so don’t become prideful on your own deeds (for having been granted ability) and stay firm in your belief of having been chosen.”

 

The read, which was actually a footnote, was a remarkable find for me who has trouble not interfering in other people’s spiritual journeys. Again it was about surrender! Except this time it’s not for one’s own self but in the acceptance of the journey of another. That if it is incongruent to one’s own, it’s ok.

 

Qari Sahib explained it wonderfully. “Think of it like the Azaan,” he said. “Some come to pray, others don’t and the call of the Azaan continues.”

 

And of course there was a reference from the Quran. The verse was different because in it Allah has Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) address not the Muslims but every single human being.

 

قُلْ يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ قَدْ جَاءَكُمُ الْحَقُّ مِن رَّبِّكُمْ

فَمَنِ اهْتَدَىٰ فَإِنَّمَا يَهْتَدِي لِنَفْسِهِ

وَمَن ضَلَّ فَإِنَّمَا يَضِلُّ عَلَيْهَا

وَمَا أَنَا عَلَيْكُم بِوَكِيل

 

Say, “O Mankind! The Truth has come to you from your Lord.

Whoever chooses to follow the path of guidance, it is for his own good. And whoever chooses to go astray, does so to his own loss. I am not responsible for your conduct."

Surah Yunus, Verse 108

 

Funnily enough is the hard thing was supposed to be the tables in the park. Everything about the execution of the project was unknown to me. We were doing something for the first time. There was nothing but X factors from start to finish. But for that Qari Sahib had me read two nafal on Day One surrendering everything to Allah and Nabi Pak (peace be upon him). After that even when things seemingly didn’t go right, I didn’t feel bad or angry or worried. Everything about it was fine with me.

 

In the end everything is in a balance whether we see that or not. Everything is placed in the place it deserves to be placed in; that is the classical definition of adl, justice. Each single thing is held accountable for its own actions. Even inside the same person different parts, like the nafs and the qalb, cannot be blamed for one another.

 

Hazrat Najmuddin Kubra (ra) in the Tafseer e Jilani; “By its nature, the ease and satisfaction of the nafs lies in the world and its artificial and false adornments. The nafs desires the opposite of that which is commanded by God and this is what becomes its burden. In this state, it travels towards the most base of ranks and none other than the nafs can carry the weight of its weakness.

 

The qalb will not be held accountable or answerable for the encumbrances of the nafs as long as it is safeguarded from the regretful negativity of the nafs and possesses the light of imaan, faith. For in the intrinsic nature of the qalb is placed the love and desire of Allah.

 

Only when the qalb follows the nafs does Allah, in His Wrath, make the two equal. In this case, the mirror of the qalb becomes rusted by the habits and attributes of the nafs. When the qalb follows in the footsteps of the desires of the nafs and becomes trapped by its lusts, it loses its original intended purpose.

 

By Allah’s Command it was supposed to be the seat of taharat (purity), safa (cleansing), salamati (peace), zikr (remembrance), fikar (reflection), tauheed (One-ness), imaan (faith), tawakul (reliance), sidq (truth), ikhlas (sincerity) and bandagi (obedience). When it rejected this Command and fell into waywardness, it became liable for the burden of its sins.

 

Just as Allah has said;

 

كَلَّا بَلْ رَانَ عَلَىٰ قُلُوبِهِم مَّا كَانُوا يَكْسِبُون

 

Nay! But, their hearts have been corroded by what they do (earn).”

Surah Al-Mutaffifin, Verse 14

 

In my 30s I used to say to people if there was something that wiped the slate clean, no matter what someone did before, it was marriage. In my 50s, I learn repentance does the same. Within that it’s one thing when someone apologizes for something and entirely another when they do so with tears. It’s unlikely I will ever know the feeling of being the vice-regent of Allah on Earth, having been “created in the best mould” but this Ramzan I certainly experienced the asfala safileen, the depths of despair;

 

ثُمَّ رَدَدْنَاهُ أَسْفَلَ سَافِلِين

 

Then We returned him to the lowest of the low.

Surah At-Teen, Verse 5

 

Tafseer e Jilani; “Because of their own misdeeds, when Our Will decided it, we deprived Man from his highly exalted status and relegated him to the lowest of states where his fulfillment, desires and hopes are tied to the world.”

 

Still in the last ashara’, last 10 days of the month, which is exclusively for escape from the fires of Hell, I experienced Allah as Al-Ghafoor and Al-Wadood.

 

وَهُوَ الْغَفُورُ الْوَدُود

 

And He is Oft-Forgiving, the Most Loving.

Surah Al-Burooj, Verse 14

 

Tafseer e Jilani; “He is bound by His Mercy to be the Forgiver and The One who hides sins. He erases the sins of those who repent with sincerity and become obedient, no matter what the sins are, in number or type. He loves the repentance of the sinner who asks for forgiveness with sincerity. When they plead before Him, when they are bent in fear and shame, when they are regretful of their sins, that ask for forgiveness is beloved to Him.

 

In the end, I felt sad that on the 27th of Ramzan I was not able to post the piece on the Quran that I had intended. Qari Sahib was still not well. Still we managed a phone call and I discussed some of my translations for this writing. Instead, I read the Quran. It so happened that I reached the last verse of Surah Al-An’am.

 

وَهُوَ الَّذِي جَعَلَكُمْ خَلَائِفَ الْأَرْضِ

وَرَفَعَ بَعْضَكُمْ فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ دَرَجَاتٍ لِّيَبْلُوَكُمْ فِي مَا آتَاكُمْ

إِنَّ رَبَّكَ سَرِيعُ الْعِقَابِ

وَإِنَّهُ لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيم

 

It is He who has made you His Vice-regent on this Earth and has raised some of you in rank above others so that He might test you by means of what He has given you.

Your Lord is swift in punishment but He is also forgiving and Merciful to all.

 

My eyes read the tafseer of the verse and wept as I translated it, the words piercing my heart.

 

وَهُوَ الَّذِي جَعَلَكُمْ خَلَائِفَ الْأَرْضِ

 

“It is God who has sent you as His Appointee on this Earth as the one who is able to become the reflection of His Attributes.

 

وَرَفَعَ بَعْضَكُمْ فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ دَرَجَاتٍ

 

In gaining those Attributes He has made given some of you preference over others.

 

لِّيَبْلُوَكُمْ فِي مَا آتَاكُمْ

 

So you will be tested on the capabilities and strengths that were bestowed upon you to see if you are using them to consummate the purpose of your creation or for other means.

 

إِنَّ رَبَّكَ سَرِيعُ الْعِقَابِ

 

The one who destroys their natural ability without purpose will be punished swiftly.

 

وَإِنَّهُ لَغَفُورٌ رَّحِيم

 

Similarly, the one who heeds advice and seeks forgiveness and makes the intent to come towards the right path through repentance will find that Allah is Benevolent towards them.”

 

The road towards Tauheed, the One-ness of Allah, is paved with the dying of the will. Over and over, again and again. This Ramzan I learnt that quite literally. I experienced Hell but for an instant and it was unbearable. Prayers I uttered entirely in obedience to Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him), copying his words exactly, saved me from myself. The one that became my favourite was this;

 

قُلْ إِنَّ صَلَاتِي وَنُسُكِي وَمَحْيَايَ وَمَمَاتِي لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِين

 

Say, O Beloved (peace be upon you), "Indeed, my prayer and worship, and my living and my dying are for Allah, Lord of the worlds.”

 

The words were so intense I had to look up Ghaus Pak’s (ra) tafseer of it.

 

Tafseer e Jilani: “Oh Messenger who completes prophet-hood, who is the reflection of the essence of Allah’s Tauheed, One-ness, say, while entrusting your entire affairs and all that which is happening with you and by you to your Lord, “Indeed, the inclination of all my organs and parts, my entire being (zahir and batin) and all my worship, which is the means of my gaining closeness and connection with my Lord in my life in this world and the Hereafter, are only and only for Allah, The One who is The Controller of all His Kingdoms by His Will in every aspect, for everything belongs to Him and He is the Lord of all the Worlds.”

 

It was a comforting relief for me to discover that which I love cannot become detestable to me. A feeling my nature considers sweet is not susceptible to change. The apparition was not my enemy. I did not have to dislike it if I loved it. My "sin" was my lunging towards it for the umpteenth time instead of patiently standing where I was and letting the ghost play its test out, whatever it was. After all, it appeared for a reason.

 

At each point in the journey when one stumbles, hope appears. If one is attached to those who stand at the destination as a result of being guided by Allah's Beloved (peace be upon him), there is always a beckoning from them to get up and move forward. There is no prolonged self-pity. There is no extended distress.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) says that the batin is the bird, the qalb its cage. The qalb a bird, the body its cage. The body a bird, the grave its cage. The grave is the cage for all creation that everyone has to enter. Before that dying come a thousand deaths for the seeker. And as I learnt, a thousand lives. Only through each does one edge towards fulfillment of purpose.

 

Sahel Tustari (ra): "The heart has a thousand deaths, of which the ultimate is being cut off (qaṭīʿa) from God, Mighty and Majestic is He; and the heart has a thousand lives, of which the ultimate is the encounter (liqāʾ) with God, Mighty and Majestic is He. Furthermore, with each sinful act the heart undergoes a death, and with each act of obedience it receives [new] life."

 

That Allah is His Infinite Generosity offers vice-regency to all human beings astonishes me. Even acquiring a single attribute of The Divine seems invisibly far. The hand of repentance, however, that reaches His Mercy via Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) brings everything in one's reach. Fresh starts, clean slates, new choices, different endings. In every moment, in every day. In the end, inspired by the hadith Qudsi I have learnt recently, I will find myself to be only that which I think I am.

 

Tafseer e Tustari: "Hazrat Sahel (ra) said: Struggle against your lower self with the sword of opposition! Place upon its [back] the burdens of remorse (nadam), and guide it through the desert plains of fear (khawf), so that you may turn it back to the path of repentance (tawba) and contrition (ināba). Repentance is not acceptable except from one who feels perplexed at his plight, grief-stricken at this situation, and confounded in his heart at what has happened to him."

 

www.youtube.com/channel/UCqb01bB-J3kyiu-HKIX2MKw

Done