light and dark

a smooth rock with (a little) earth on it

 

Last week I understood forgiveness in a new light. Or rather was made to understand it. It was the night of Shab e Baraat, a night that forever changed me in more ways than one. I was getting ready for Isha’. Just then I got a call from someone who had been a difficult interaction in my life for many years. It was a relation I could not escape and I had finally arrived at a point with them where distance was best. When there was a meeting now, which was rare to begin with, I kept it civil. Boundaries had been defined as therapists recommend. Self-esteem was carefully guarded.

 

The last few exchanges prior to this “new normal,” had been unpleasant. I had wanted their life’s circumstances to get better, hoping that the shift might also make them different but that wasn’t on the horizon for now. They seemed to be continuing in a downward spiral at varying speeds. Therefore I had decided to surrender them to God. I wrote a whole chapter about it in my book, that surrender. How I had learned to make it soft, placing them gently at Allah’s Door, as opposed to throwing them in front of it like a thing unwanted and running away. Which is what I had been doing the first few times only to cause myself incessant angst.

 

I was about to learn that despite that surrender, the dichotomy in my zahir and batin, my overt and inner being, was still glaring. I was still thinking I was doing something for one reason but doing it for another. I read the text from the person and exhaled a sigh of relief that it was just a wish for the blessed night to be good for all of us. I went to the prayer mat and began my namaz. I don’t remember exactly which part of it I was in when I felt like I was being told something. That was not an entirely new experience for me. Often while writing my book or preparing lectures, I would get ideas for something to insert, something to change, during prayer.

 

This is what I thought was said: “You will forgive them but first forgive yourself.”

 

I almost paused in the middle of my prayer to ask a question but then kept going. I didn’t get it. If someone was kicking me in the head every day, why would I have to forgive myself?

 

The only reason I had come up for previous lectures on “Forgiveness” was that I was allowing the daily kick. That is the single thing that made sense. For if someone was persistently cruel to me, I had given them permission, knowingly or unknowingly, for it to continue. That kind of forgiveness had only lead me to controlling our interaction but it hadn’t changed anything about me. All blame was squarely placed upon them.

 

That night as I moved from farz to sunnat to vitar to nawafil, it became clear. I believe it was a gift that came to me specifically when I read the eight nafal for Hazrat Bibi Fatima (ratu) for the first time in my life. And this is what I got: What I had to forgive myself for was not forgiving the other. They were being hard on me in whatever way. But I was being hard on myself by hardening my heart as well.

 

The voice was telling me to forgive myself for treating my own self with hardness. To stop telling myself that I had already forgiven them when it was not yet true. Needless to say, it was a mind blowing moment! I had to forgive myself because I possessed the ability to forgive but I was not invoking it. I was not connecting with God and asking Him to teach me how to do it. I’m 50. Time had proved beyond all certainty I did not know how to make it happen on my own.

 

I went back to my book and read the chapter “Along came forgiveness.” It was beautiful no doubt. I could “forget the lash” as Hazrat Rabia Basra (ra) had instructed. I had also learnt to not put myself in harm’s way around those who could not control their emotions, inevitably spewing poison. I also understood that their outbursts had nothing to do with me. But there was still something missing. For when they did appear before me, I felt a tightness in my chest, an anxiety. I anticipated doom. The fear or resentment of humiliation at their hands had not left me.

 

I realized that this fear remaining meant that I failed the litmus test. For if I had forgiven them, truly forgiven them, then there would be no dread, no sarcasm, no contempt. Whether they were calm or crazy in front of me, I would only be empathetic or at a minimum unaffected. But when the “enemy” appeared, my zahir was full of scorn and my batin was apprehensive. I guess in that sense at least there was a union! But Imam Ali (ratu) had already taught me what to do. I possessed the knowledge but I had not put it into practice.

 

Said the Prophet (saw), “Knowledge calls out to deed. If deed appears the knowledge stays, otherwise it leaves.”

 

It was in a class in Fes on a perfect spring morning that my teacher wrote a qaul by Imam Ali (ratu) on the board and asked me to translate it. (Begin excerpt from The Softest heart)

 

إذا قدرت على عدوك فاجعل العفو عنه شكرا للقدرة عليه

 

“‘When the enemy appears before you and you have the ability to destroy them, forgive them. Then thank Allah for the ability to forgive them,’” I ventured.

 

“No,” said my teacher. “That is not what he says. Read it again. It’s a subtle difference.”

 

I paused and read it slowly but could not improve on my translation. My teacher offered his answer.

 

He says, “If you had the ability to destroy your enemy, forgive them out of thanks to God who granted you that ability (to forgive him).”

 

The expression was indeed subtle and immeasurably deep. For Hazrat Ali (ratu) didn’t say, as one expects or as I had thought, that if one had the opportunity to avenge, then one should consider it, then one should forgive the enemy, then thank Allah for the fact that one could forgive them. The instruction was in reverse and in a single step, not three: forgive the enemy immediately, even though you can pulverize them, out of gratitude to Allah because He has granted one the ability to forgive. And the chance to do so!

 

Ustad Ahmed honed in on the point; “Sayyadna Ali (ratu) says when the enemy appears to forgive them out of gratitude towards Allah for His granting us the ability to forgive, not for executing a personal choice between destroying and forgiving. He tells us to eliminate the “I” altogether. All ability is only from God. Therefore there is no pride, no “me.” (End excerpt The Softest Heart)

 

The flip side of the blessing I received in my prayer was even more compelling; if I didn’t forgive the “other,” then I was insistent on not forgiving myself. I was choosing to not forgive myself and being stubborn about it. The consequence of that decision was that I was electing to inflict torment upon myself. And if I did that then who was crazier, me or them? We weren’t the same. I was worse.

 

(Audio on @the.softest.heart)

 

برے بندے نوں میں لبھن ٹریا، برا لبھا نہ کوئی

جد میں اندر جھاتی پائی، میتھوں برا نہ کوئی

 

I set out in search of the wrong doers but I did not find any.

When I looked at my own self, I knew no one was worse than me – Baba Bulleh Shah (ra)

 

In the end it was me who programmed myself over the course of my life to be who I have become. It was a function of my habits which became my nature. Daata Sahib (ra) taught me that years ago. Those habits were formed as a result of who I chose to emulate. We all learn everything first from our parents as they have in turn learned it. Then in the first moment that we make a decision independently as in “I’m not doing that, I’m doing this,” knowing that it’s wrong, we assume control of shaping our character. From then on the sticking to the ways of their parents just becomes an excuse to do what we want to.

 

وَإِذَا قِيلَ لَهُمُ اتَّبِعُوا مَا أَنزَلَ اللَّهُ قَالُوا بَلْ نَتَّبِعُ مَا أَلْفَيْنَا عَلَيْهِ آبَاءَنَا ۗ

أَوَلَوْ كَانَ آبَاؤُهُمْ لَا يَعْقِلُونَ شَيْئًا وَلَا يَهْتَدُونَ

 

And when it is said to them, “Follow what has revealed Allah,” they said, “Nay we follow what we found our forefathers following.” Even though their forefathers did not understand anything and they were devoid of all guidance – Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 170

 

Lucky are the ones who are taught to be like those favoured by God as children. Then they become like them while the rest of us become ordinary, taking one step forward, two steps back. If that!

 

From listening to the reverent Naqshbandi sheikhs these days of the lockdown, God bless their souls, I recently understood what perhaps many know; I am a being of energy first, form second. When I’m unforgiving, I emanate a toxic energy, impure, clouded, angry, full of despair and fear. Hence before anything reaches anyone else, if it reaches them at all, for often my negative feelings end up just lying within my own heart, unvoiced, my energy hits only me. And it only increases in intensity as I proceed to blame them for the lows that follow.

 

The next few days I pondered deeply over the inspiration I had received. It in fact applied to everything in life. Forgive yourself for not being generous, for not being grateful, for not being obedient, for not being patient, for not being kind, for not being just. Forgive yourself for everything! Then start again and ask for taufeeq to be better in the next round. Imam Ali (ratu) had said the same. If any opportunity presented itself to reflect goodness and it was wasted, the major tragedy was that a chance to express gratitude was lost.

 

I had discovered in occasionally putting into practice what I learnt from the Friends of God that every rule, every instruction comes with a test to confirm its application. Sincerity, khuloos, was the determinant. It was itself a branch of sidq, truthfulness. All the rules also had another commonality. Intention was tested and revealed. If the intention was pure, there was no anxiety or sadness. But again the same intention can be different in the mind from what is in the heart.

 

I decided to think about it from a different angle. Why was it so hard to be forgiving, even for my own self? In a conversation with my friend, Uzair, I had learnt that when the human being goes against their fitrat, their natural disposition, as endowed by God in its pure form, friction arises within oneself and therefore others. Thus begins the journey of restlessness, depression and despair.

 

I had identified in the Quran two traits of that disposition from the Prophets, specifically the Prophet Yahya (as) and the Prophet Jesus (as). Stated not as what they were but what they were not:

 

وَبَرًّا بِوَالِدَيْهِ وَلَمْ يَكُن جَبَّارًا عَصِيًّا

 

And dutiful towards his parents, never was he haughty or rebellious. – Surah Maryam, Verse 14

 

وَبَرًّا بِوَالِدَتِي وَلَمْ يَجْعَلْنِي جَبَّارًا شَقِيًّا

 

And He had made me dutiful to my mother, and not (has) He made me arrogant or defiant – Surah Maryam, Verse 32

 

One word was common in both verses and appeared first, therefore signaling its importance; jabbaran. I studied the word in the Tafseer e Jilani and understood it as the arrogance that manifests itself in cutting off relations with the parents or people in general. Aseeyan is the one who ignores an instruction, shaqeeyan the one who is distant from God’s Mercy because of defiance. In other words, what the two Prophets were was devoted and obedient.

 

I cannot deny that all three of those traits absent in the Prophets have played out from within me. Still, I felt happy that I belonged to a generation that was for the most part obedient. We were not dutiful like the one before us, but were did as we were told, be it grudgingly. What being dutiful exactly meant I discovered on one of the last times I came to the village with my grandaunt who is in her 90s.

 

At lunch I was asking her random questions. Who were her favourite niece and nephew? Which sister in law did she get along with the best? I liked most to ask how it was when my grandmother, a Lahorite, came to the village after her marriage. I knew the house we were in, an entirely gorgeous construction, had been built especially for her.

 

“Whenever her parents came to visit,” she said, “my brother and I used to be the ones given the responsibility to take care of their meals. He would stand there,” she gestured behind me.

 

I turned around to see exactly where and couldn’t believe it. I thought she meant they were responsible as in they called in the staff of dozens and told them how things were going to be laid out, what would be cooked etc. Not literally stand behind them like waiters while they ate and hold dishes every time they wanted a refill, not even being a part of the meal.

 

“Stand here?” I asked to confirm, pointing behind me.

 

“Yes,” she answered, “Nawab Sahib (her father) said we had to take care of them ourselves as a sign of our regard for them.”

 

Damn, I thought. She and her brother were both in their late teens or early 20s then. Their father was the big-shot of the area. Being important as a feudal in a rural setting was entire different from being rich in the city. No one was kissing your hands and touching your knee as the norm for greeting there. Yet she described the incidence as if it was no big deal, no pride even in the act of their assent. My mother used to have a lot of dinner parties in Lahore. I tried to imagine standing behind a table to serve her friends. I could not. Yes, dutiful was the apt word to describe them.

 

Still for us there was not much room for dissent either. Life was simple. All we had was a tv with two channels, if we were lucky and a rotary dial phone. Everything was communal, nothing belonged to one person. Not many questions were asked of our parents. Certainly few, if any, explanations were given. That meant there could be a fair amount of hide and seek, less for nerds like me but I don’t believe it was a bad thing. Allah loves that a cloak is placed over oneself, as well as others, when doing something forbidden to the body and harmful to the soul. Haya is paramount!

 

“When the deeds of my Ummah are presented to me, I erase those that are their sins and present the good before My Lord,” said the Prophet (saw).”

 

For the deeds that are presented become confirmed! The hadith made me smile. Often mothers did that in our culture, hiding the wrongdoings of the kids from the stricter dads who most definitely would punish them if rules set were breached. And occasionally the other way around.

 

My generation, in their earnestness to differentiate themselves from the parents, became friends with the children. And friendships holds no bars. What is felt is stated. When there is an equal standing there is no room for that which is done purely out of duty. Love yes but not obligation. I was guilty of it too with my nine year old niece Sameena who I adore. We could hang out for hours, during holidays that is, and it was a blast.

 

One night after having spent the day together when we came home I showered and got into my bed to internet. Suddenly my door flew open and I heard her say excitedly, “Mony, you have to help me brush my teeth and change into my pajamas.” She was 7 then.

 

“Nope,” I said, without taking my eyes off the screen to indicate determination. “Tell Papa to do it. I just turned my laptop on lou.”

 

“But Papa’s not my friend,” she wailed.

 

I looked up at her with surprise and started smiling. Then I went!

 

But I’m an aunt. It’s different with the parents. They are also usually one’s first source of grief when it is least expected, too early in life. The shock of that causes resentment and resentment tends to bleed love. The first seed of being unforgiving is planted! If left to grow, it strangles the heart, deadening it.

 

My world held sharply defined boundaries of discipline and regard which were not crossed openly, only covertly. There was apprehension around being seen by the elders while doing something wrong, the fear was of causing disappointment. Much like the taqwa the Quran talks of constantly, which the Sufis define as being deeply aware of disappointing Allah and therefore being conscious of Him and mindful of the self.

 

I went deeper into my own person to identify what the root of my disobedience was when it did emerge. I analyzed it simply from the angle of saying “no” to something and discovered three broad patterns. Two were prominent; either I was being lazy or I was being a miser, a bakheel. If not financially then emotionally.

 

The third reason was that I was being stubborn, which also came down to two things. The first was reacting in the way that I had become so used to that I was like one of Pavlov’s dogs. A name, a word could be mentioned and it would trigger a rant from me without me even being sure if I still felt that angry about it. The second was if I knew something to be right and I would just refute it anyway. Incidentally, the Prophet’s (saw) definition of the word jaahil: the one who knows something to be true but insists on disbelieving it.

 

Forgiving one’s own self was simply turning out to be about reconnecting to the soul one might have lost contact with. In the moment I saw that, I replayed the first story by Maulana Rum (ra) in his Masnavi about the love triangle between the nafs, the world and the soul. If one got into the habit of forgiving oneself, the nafs would be forced to look at the soul which it otherwise easily ignores. (Begin excerpt from The Softest Heart)

 

“The story is a parable with three characters, a king, a slave girl and a goldsmith. The king represents the soul, the slave girl the ego (nafs), the goldsmith the world. The soul is in love with the nafs but the ego is infatuated with the world. Unable to gain its attention, feeling a state of helplessness and aloneness, the soul prays to God for help. For what the soul waits for is for the nafs (ego) to return to it, to return the soul’s love for it. It wants it to shed its infatuation with the world and finally shun it. The prayer is answered: a healer (tabeeb) appears.

 

The healer gently shows the ego what it is in love with by revealing the superficiality of the world, the world that actually only makes the ego feel empty and weary. The healer does not use persuasion, there is no reprimand! It was notable how the one God sends embodies an approach the exact opposite of clergy that bank only on persuasion and reprimand. The healer’s approach is one of only softness and extreme subtlety. It entails an unveiling of what is already there before one, yet the eye cannot see it for when it sees by itself, it only sees what it wants.

 

Thus because of the healer alone, the ego begins to see its own devotion to that which is just sucking it dry and giving nothing to it in return, leaving it unfulfilled, exhausted, unhappy. The nafs then notices the soul for the first time. It sees it waiting for it and turns towards it. That part of the change of heart mesmerized me for days.

 

“Why does the ego return to the soul in the end?” I asked my friend Abeda with whom I was discussing the story endlessly.

“Because the world has betrayed its love, never returned it so now it’s like, ‘May as well go for the soul?’”

 

She smiled.

 

“No.”

 

I knew what she was going to say next was going to change my life. Thank God for brilliant friends!

 

“The ego wants to love the soul because all its experience of love is from the world, by the world, all that is in the world. Now for the first time, it has the chance to learn to love from that which has been loved by God. It has the chance to learn to love like God.” (End excerpt from The Softest Heart)

 

So then maybe the nafs also has the chance to forgive like God. Endlessly! Every opportunity seemed to present the chance to do that which the Prophet (saw) said;

 

تَخَلَّقُوْا بِأَخْلَاقِ الله

 

“Be in your manners as the Attributes of Allah (which are His Alone).”

 

The verb takhallaqa meaning to acquire that which does not previously exist!

 

But to invoke ability, to connect with the soul or with God, one had to be of the guided. In my understanding, to become worthy of guidance two elements were essential. The healer was one, as Maulana explains, in order for justification defined by the ego to be shed. But even before that came the ability to receive guidance, to ask for the healer to appear. Again ability, the element which prerequisites recognition and reconnection with God!

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) says that the sign of guidance is that a person begins to go against that which the nafs desires. The one thing I was super aware of in that sense where I successfully went against my nafs was when I was in deep sleep and my alarm went off for prayer in the morning. I would be dying to press “snooze” but I would rise just so I could feel I was also amongst the guided. I was also especially alert to it when I declined someone’s request for money. There was almost always never any real cause for it when I asked myself, “Why did you just say no?” All the reasons were always admittedly shameful.

 

But it was in a lecture by Uzair that I heard the most beautiful reason for going against a reaction that emanated from the ego:

 

“The Prophet (saw) is the source of creation as well as the connector who brings each one back to the Creator. Each and everything in the Universe is a reflection of Allah’s Attributes but how much they reflect is a function of capacity and ability. This is not easy for it means that one has to have the capacity to hold two opposites in one moment.”

 

Then he explained what that means; “Allah’s Attributes are in pairs of opposites. If He gets angry He is also Merciful, if He is The Avenging one, He is also The Forgiver, He is The Seen and He is also the Hidden. The Insaan e Kamil, the perfect human being, which is the laqab of the Prophet (saw), is the one, who in the same moment, in the same being, holds both the opposing Divine Names of God.”

 

“But we are not like that,” Uzair continued. “In the moment when I am enraged, it is next to impossible for me to be forgiving. I only want to destroy the other person. But the Insaan e Kamil is the one who in the exact moment when they are boiling in anger, and the situation demands mercy, is able to invoke that Mercy of God and reflect it instead. That is why Sheikh ul Akbar (ra) says that you have not developed the ability to hold a pair of opposites at the same time. That is why if you ever want to understand anything in relation to God, there is only one mirror for it, His Beloved (saw). The one who says, ‘Man ra’ani ra’al Haqq, the one who saw me, saw The Truth.’”

 

The most striking example of holding the opposites I had seen in the Prophet’s (saw) life was exactly the one Imam Ali’s (ratu) advice was rooted in.

 

On the occasion of the fall of Mecca, the Prophet (peace be upon him) had every opportunity to seek vengeance for twenty years of atrocities, crimes, murder and torture that he and his followers had been subjected to by the Kuffar. The same bloodthirsty enemy that had committed all this barbarity against him and his Companions was now standing helplessly before him. They had made every attempt within their power to take his life. They were the reason his beloved wife Bibi Khadija (ratu) and his uncle and guardian, Hazrat Abu Talib (ratu) had perished.

 

The woman who had arranged the murder of his beloved uncle, Hazrat Hamza (ratu) and committed the heinous act of chewing his liver in front of the Holy Prophet (peace be upon him) was there. It was also the opportunity to punish the savage who had murdered the pregnant daughter of the Prophet (peace be upon him) with the thrust of a spear while she was riding a camel.

 

When he appeared before them, he asked them what treatment they expected of him.

 

قَالَ: يَا مَعْشَرَ قُرَيْشٍ، مَا تُرَوْنَ أَنِّي فَاعِلٌ فِيكُمْ؟

قَالُوا: خَيْرًا، أَخٌ كَرِيمٌ، وَابْنُ أَخٍ كَرِيمٍ

: قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّم

أَقُولُ كَمَا أَخِي يُوسُفُ عَلَيْهِ السَّلَامُ: (لَا تَثْرِيبَ عَلَيْكُمُ الْيَوْمَ)

قَالَ: اذْهَبُوا فَأَنْتُمْ الطُّلَقَاءُ

 

He said to them, “O People of the Quraish! What do you see me doing to you?”

 

They said, “Only good! You are a brother noble and the son of a brother noble.”

 

And the Prophet of God (peace be upon him) said, “So I say to you as Yousaf (as) said to his brothers, ‘There will be no blame upon you today.’ Go! You are the free ones.”

 

And just like that they were forgiven!

 

“When the enemy appears before you and you have the ability to destroy them…”

 

Since I heard Uzair’s lecture I have been fixated with acquiring the ability to hold opposing attributes and invoke the one opposite to the nafs. And it’s mine for the emulation and the ask!

 

Who receives capacity and ability is indeed Allah’s Will. In January of this year I happened to hear an interview Lady Gaga had with Oprah. Normally it would have been out of my scope of interest but a friend in Karachi played a specific clip for me that was intriguing. Gaga was telling Oprah she “radically accepted” that whatever happened to her in her life, she was in a sexually abusive relationship for several years at age 19, was destined for her with an innate purpose.

 

“Even the rape?” Oprah, herself a survivor of sexual violence, had asked warily.

 

“Even the rape,” Gaga replied with certainty.

 

It was a remarkable moment. For I have seen people accept many things in life if they were Divinely willed for them but never suffering sexual assault. Gaga is only 33 and in that conversation, a 62 year old global influencer unlike any other leaned in to listen intently to her words. Gaga said several things that I have only read in books written by the greatest of Spiritual Masters in Islam. The best example of it was when she was describing her illness, fibromyalgia, which causes her chronic pain from head to toe 24 hours a day.

 

“My practice in my commitment is gratitude. Even in the midst of the pain. I will be laying in my porch in pain and crying and I will say, ‘Thank you God for this pain. Thank you. I surrender it to you. This pain is meant for me and my body right now. I’m here in this moment and I’m learning. Thank you for teaching me.’”

 

“Wow!” I thought in my head as Oprah uttered it from her lips, equally amazed. Only the chosen ones react to pain with gratitude, everybody else practices patience.

 

As Uzair said, the key to the practice of forgiveness, or any other attribute, lay perfectly manifested inside The Beloved (saw). He was the one who was raised by God in the closest of closeness. He was the only one who was the reflection of His Essence (zaat). Everyone else reflected His Attributes (sifaat).

 

Upon studying Forgiveness through ahadith, I learnt that it had four layers of practice, each in ascending order in terms of behavior: eye for an eye (but exactly so as in if someone pushed me, I could only push them just as hard not an iota more), controlling of anger, forgiving the other, being good to them.

 

The fourth is where the Friends of God always landed. Again in their immaculate obedience to the Prophet (saw). I had spent most of my life in stage two. My demon for the longest time was anger, ravaging me and my relationships. Then over the years it dissipated which I consider a happening only and only as a blessing from God. The only thing I did was acknowledge it and seek therapy. The rest He and those I love connected to Him made happen. They had allowed me to move to step three.

 

There are essentially two kinds of forgiveness as I understood from Qari Sahib; afuuw and maghfirat. Afuww is forgiveness for sins knowingly committed. Maghfirat is for sins committed inadvertently. Both are Allah’s Names. Allah Al-Afuww and He has two names for the other: Allah Al-Ghaffaar and Allah Al-Ghaffoor. The attribute connected to Nabi Kareem (saw) is afuww. For all the Prophets in the Quran say that the good in their nation belong to them and the rest, it is up to God to decide what to do for He is Merciful.

 

The Prophet Ibrahim (as);

 

فَمَن تَبِعَنِي فَإِنَّهُ مِنِّي ۖ

وَمَنْ عَصَانِي فَإِنَّكَ غَفُورٌ رَّحِيمٌ

 

So whoever follows me then indeed, he (is) of me, and whoever disobeys me, then indeed, You (are) Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful – Surah Ibrahim, Verse 36

 

But the Beloved of God (saw) sent to the world as His Mercy for all Mankind is the only one who says the worst of the people belong to him and the good to His Lord. That is why in this world and on the Day of Judgment, he is the Intercessor to whom the distressed are told to go when they have finally become tired of the ego and crave relief.

 

In his tafseer, Ibn e Katheer gives a beautiful account of an incident that unveils just that. It took place right after the passing of the Prophet (peace be upon him).

 

Allama U’tabi narrates: I was sitting by the blessed grave of the Prophet of God (peace be upon him) when I saw a bedouin come up to it and softly say,

 

“As Salam o Alaika Ya Rasool Allah! I have heard that Allah says:

 

وَلَوْ أَنَّهُمْ إِذ ظَّلَمُوا أَنفُسَهُمْ جَاءُوكَ فَاسْتَغْفَرُوا اللَّهَ

وَاسْتَغْفَرَ لَهُمُ الرَّسُولُ لَوَجَدُوا اللَّهَ تَوَّابًا رَّحِيمًا

 

And if they, when they have wronged their own souls, would come to you (O dear Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon you) to seek forgiveness from Allah, and if the Noble Messenger (peace be upon him) asked Allah for forgiveness for them, they will certainly find Him as the Acceptor Of Repentance, the Most Merciful – Surah An-Nisa, Verse 64

 

Thus I have come to you and I seek God’s forgiveness and I plead for you to intercede on my behalf before my Lord and ask forgiveness for me.”

 

Then I heard him recite these couplets:

 

(Audio on @the.softest.heart)

 

يَا خَيْرَ مَنْ دُفِنَتْ بِالْقَاعِ أَعْظُمُهُ

فَطَابَ مِنْ طِيبِهِنَّ الْقَاعُ وَالأَكَمُ

نَفْسِي الْفِدَاءُ لِقَبْرٍ أَنْتَ سَاكِنُهُ

فِيهِ الْعَفَافُ وَفِيهِ الْجُودُ وَالْكَرَمُ

 

“O you who is the best amongst those buried,

whose scent has made fragrant the land and plateaus,

I sacrifice my life on this grave that you dwell in

for in it lies pardon and generosity of the Universe.”

 

Saying that the bedouin left. I fell asleep. In my dream, I saw the Prophet of God (peace be upon him). He said to me, ‘O U’tabi! Go to the bedouin and give him the glad tidings that Allah has forgiven him.’”

 

The story has so many layers it requires its own story. But it is in the word “afaaf” in the last couplet that caught my eye. “The forgiveness of sins knowingly committed lie in this grave,” the bedouin had said.

 

Those who are bestowed forgiveness such that it is their innate attribute are blessed indeed. I know, I saw it firsthand in my mother. Throughout her life I saw people betray her but she never betrayed them. She naturally did what Nabi Kareem (saw) had instructed;

 

وَلَا تَخُنْ مَنْ خَانَكَ

 

And do not betray those who betray you.

 

God knows I tried to make her leave them, sometimes invoking anger and pride, other times common sense. On occasion she even pretended to disconnect from them in front of me but the ruse would last a week at best. Then when I would find out that she was in touch with them again, which she herself announced to me, I would say like I was the parent, “Have you forgotten what you just went through because of them?” and she would simply say, “But I love them.” And that was that! She forgave everyone everything.

 

The journey of the soul is uniquely its own. Age allows one to understand that the others one is born around and meets along the way are just a medium to see one’s own light or demons as the result of action or inaction relating to them. Everything good we do we do for ourselves as the Quran says. And everything we do against another, we do in fact against our own selves. Be it in the exhibition of gratefulness or ingratitude, miserliness or generosity, forgiveness or hardness.

 

إِنْ أَحْسَنتُمْ أَحْسَنتُمْ لِأَنفُسِكُمْ وَإِنْ أَسَأْتُمْ فَلَهَا

 

If you persevere in doing good, you will but be doing good to yourselves; and if you do evil, it will be (done) to yourselves – Surah Al-Isra’, Verse 7

 

Hazrat Sahel (ra) says that the insistence upon sin, which is not substance related as most simply relegate it to but anything that torments one’s soul, is the reason for rebelliousness. Hence the advice: sin is a disease, obedience is its cure. The disobedience is rooted in jahaalat, refuting something while knowing it’s the truth. The denial of something whole knowing it to be true leads to falsehood.

 

The falsehood results in hardness of the heart. The hardness of the heart leads to hypocrisy. And hypocrisy takes one straight to ingratitude. The magnificence of the links is that all the states, one leading to the next, apply equally to a person of faith or an atheist, a polytheist or an agnostic! The capacity of infinite self-deceit lies in all.

 

One might imagine a state of hyper-consciousness that constantly shines a light on darkness within one’s self would be a drag. I admit it crossed my mind on days when literally everything about me was disappointing. Again it was Uzair who happened to explain how it was only the greatest of blessings.

 

“When you think about God and read the Names of Allah (in tasbeeh) you will find peace, but when you will begin your process of nearness to the Prophet (saw) you will feel disturbance. There will be a massive agitation in you because he will bring you out of darkness into light. And when you first come into the light from darkness, it hurts the eyes. The agitation is to be welcomed not feared. It is your gift for seeking dissolution in his being.”

 

الر ۚ كِتَابٌ أَنزَلْنَاهُ إِلَيْكَ لِتُخْرِجَ النَّاسَ مِنَ الظُّلُمَاتِ إِلَى النُّورِ

بِإِذْنِ رَبِّهِمْ إِلَىٰ صِرَاطِ الْعَزِيزِ الْحَمِيدِ

 

Alif Laam Ra, This is a Book that We have sent to you so that you,( O Beloved), may bring Mankind from darkness to light by the command of their Lord towards the path of the Honorable, the Praiseworthy – Surah Ibrahim, Verse 1

 

I never get enough of his universality. Not the Muslims, not the Believers, but Mankind!

 

Reversibility of nature seems impossible but some sort of shift is necessary before sadness or hardness become the “new normal.” Neither are sustainable for anyone or those around them. Bitterness is the worst of poisons. Everything that emerges from the ego only takes a person so far before one is drowning in empty pride that devours peace of mind like a termite. The one behind that cardinal sin of feeling superior for supposedly feeling wronged was Iblis. It rendered him disobedient, then exiled. He made a mistake once in his refusal to bow and to this day he knowingly refuses to admit it and therefore forgive himself for it. Could I really be like him?

 

Repelled by the thought I have been trying every morning and night to inculcate the conscious effort to forgive myself for all I could have but did not do when it came my way that day. Then I ask His Beloved (saw) to pray for me and ask God to forgive me and grant me the ability to be better. I’m hoping that at least one attribute that is His, comes into my life, not for a day or two, vanishing and reappearing but in permanence.

 

ثُمَّ قَسَتْ قُلُوبُكُم مِّن بَعْدِ ذَٰلِكَ فَهِيَ كَالْحِجَارَةِ أَوْ أَشَدُّ قَسْوَةً ۚ

 

And yet, after all this, your hearts hardened and became like rocks, or even harder – Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 74

 

In my heart that I have hardened to be like a rock or even harder, I hope that this Ramadan the recognition in finality that I cannot change anything about myself on my own ruptures my ego, disintegrating it. Then maybe the knowledge I gain won’t wash over me but instead permeate into deed and I will become alive. It may happen and it may not. The only certainty is the one reiterated by those in the know, that the possibility of return to the truth lies there for the taking for anyone and remains there forever.

 

(Audio on @the.softest.heart)

 

باز آ، باز آ، ہر آنچہ ہستی باز آ

گر کافر و گبر و بت پرستی باز آ

این درگہِ ما درگہِ نومیدی نیست

صد بار اگر توبہ شکستی، باز آ

 

Come back, come back, however you are, come back.

Be you a disbeliever, a worshipper of fire or clay, come back.

 

There is no room for despair at this blessed space.

Even if you repent a 100 times, then regress, still come back

- Maulana Rum (ra)

 

www.youtube.com/channel/UCqb01bB-J3kyiu-HKIX2MKw

 

Syed Uzair Abdullah lecture link:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=GQYe_CJxctA

 

Done