Home Gym
NEWS NOW
Dateline: July 22, 2029
”Good evening, this is Rab Constantinoff. Here is the day’s news… earlier, it was announced by the doctors at the John Hopkins University Dept. of Medical Studies and Innovation, that the first pre-masked baby was born. The much highly anticipated event was broadcast on a ZOOM PLUS 12 call, with physicians, attendants and various remote midwives issuing instructions from their living-rooms. The lone doctor in the birthing room, wrapped entirely from head to foot in the new Microantikevlarcellophane Body Wrap, the attached air canister equipped with only the finest, cleanest air supply available anywhere, held the baby aloft, it’s muffled cries suppressed by the ‘humantissue’, black mask, and immediately jabbed a needle into its rump with the first of forty-six vaccines to be administered in the next twelve weeks. The proud parents, speaking from their bedroom in Forest Hills, Nevada, named the infant Social Distantoinette. Of course, this birth… and the many more to follow… is the result of the Tripedzed vaccine administered after the thirty-seventh variation wave of CO-VID 19 in November, 2028. It was revealed in May that this particular vaccine carried the formula for pregnant mothers to conceive such a wondrous solution to conquering this long, long, long, on-going battle with the disease. It was anticipated that because of the seventeenth ‘black’ lockdown, where no one was even allowed to peep a nose out their front door, a Gen CO-VID X cohort would follow and something was needed to stem the potential onslaught.
Elsewhere… our reporter, Sharon Redstone, interviewed Dr. Benjamin Ouahou who is the country’s leading authority on endless years of lockdowns, strict public health measures and enforced vaccinations and the effect they are having on our older teenagers and younger twenty-somethings, who for the most part were just kids when all of this started. “Dr. Ouahou, thank you for joining us from your cave in the Borneo forest. Let me ask you, what signs are you seeing that all of this is having a severe, permanent effect on our young folk? Yes, well, first all, Sharon, can I ask you to just step back from your microphone a bit… and if you have a sanitized wipe you could use on it, even better. Reports are increasing that the latest strain of CO-VID 44 is being transmitted through electrical wires. Anyway, yes our young people are suffering. It has been four years since the last gym, a YMCA in Baton Rouge, closed down for good. The exercise facilities these young folk need to build strong bodies, healthy teeth and sound minds is non-existent, with the more resourceful of them desperately trying to maintain home gyms in basements or outdoors. However, supplies are so limited that even that is increasingly more difficult. “Okay, well thank you Dr. Ouahou. Pardon, what did you say, Sharon? (yelling) I said, thank you! Can you hear me? I’m twenty meters away from the microphone! I said thank you!”
Umm, ya... well, finally, a group of protesters, calling themselves Remember Mom’s Apple Pie, staged a peaceful demonstration outside of the parliament buildings today, trying to urge the Prime Minister to ease up a tad on the draconian travel restrictions that have been in place since fall of 2025. They demanded to at least be allowed to go to park once a week, visit a sick and elderly relative in a town not too far away and be permitted to write a post on Facebook saying that they could only dream about a vacation to the Galapagos Islands. Police, equipped with water cannons, masked, face-shielded German Shepherds and Lysol spray bottles, quickly broke that fiasco up, shooing ‘em all back to their residences and into the protective surroundings that only their Home Sweet Home can provide... for their own safety, of course! This is Rab Constantinoff saying, “With everyone’s cooperation, we can beat this terrible disease…don’t think about your own needs but rather, your social responsibility to your fellow human beings and together, we might… umm, I mean together, we will win the war. Good night."
Home Gym
NEWS NOW
Dateline: July 22, 2029
”Good evening, this is Rab Constantinoff. Here is the day’s news… earlier, it was announced by the doctors at the John Hopkins University Dept. of Medical Studies and Innovation, that the first pre-masked baby was born. The much highly anticipated event was broadcast on a ZOOM PLUS 12 call, with physicians, attendants and various remote midwives issuing instructions from their living-rooms. The lone doctor in the birthing room, wrapped entirely from head to foot in the new Microantikevlarcellophane Body Wrap, the attached air canister equipped with only the finest, cleanest air supply available anywhere, held the baby aloft, it’s muffled cries suppressed by the ‘humantissue’, black mask, and immediately jabbed a needle into its rump with the first of forty-six vaccines to be administered in the next twelve weeks. The proud parents, speaking from their bedroom in Forest Hills, Nevada, named the infant Social Distantoinette. Of course, this birth… and the many more to follow… is the result of the Tripedzed vaccine administered after the thirty-seventh variation wave of CO-VID 19 in November, 2028. It was revealed in May that this particular vaccine carried the formula for pregnant mothers to conceive such a wondrous solution to conquering this long, long, long, on-going battle with the disease. It was anticipated that because of the seventeenth ‘black’ lockdown, where no one was even allowed to peep a nose out their front door, a Gen CO-VID X cohort would follow and something was needed to stem the potential onslaught.
Elsewhere… our reporter, Sharon Redstone, interviewed Dr. Benjamin Ouahou who is the country’s leading authority on endless years of lockdowns, strict public health measures and enforced vaccinations and the effect they are having on our older teenagers and younger twenty-somethings, who for the most part were just kids when all of this started. “Dr. Ouahou, thank you for joining us from your cave in the Borneo forest. Let me ask you, what signs are you seeing that all of this is having a severe, permanent effect on our young folk? Yes, well, first all, Sharon, can I ask you to just step back from your microphone a bit… and if you have a sanitized wipe you could use on it, even better. Reports are increasing that the latest strain of CO-VID 44 is being transmitted through electrical wires. Anyway, yes our young people are suffering. It has been four years since the last gym, a YMCA in Baton Rouge, closed down for good. The exercise facilities these young folk need to build strong bodies, healthy teeth and sound minds is non-existent, with the more resourceful of them desperately trying to maintain home gyms in basements or outdoors. However, supplies are so limited that even that is increasingly more difficult. “Okay, well thank you Dr. Ouahou. Pardon, what did you say, Sharon? (yelling) I said, thank you! Can you hear me? I’m twenty meters away from the microphone! I said thank you!”
Umm, ya... well, finally, a group of protesters, calling themselves Remember Mom’s Apple Pie, staged a peaceful demonstration outside of the parliament buildings today, trying to urge the Prime Minister to ease up a tad on the draconian travel restrictions that have been in place since fall of 2025. They demanded to at least be allowed to go to park once a week, visit a sick and elderly relative in a town not too far away and be permitted to write a post on Facebook saying that they could only dream about a vacation to the Galapagos Islands. Police, equipped with water cannons, masked, face-shielded German Shepherds and Lysol spray bottles, quickly broke that fiasco up, shooing ‘em all back to their residences and into the protective surroundings that only their Home Sweet Home can provide... for their own safety, of course! This is Rab Constantinoff saying, “With everyone’s cooperation, we can beat this terrible disease…don’t think about your own needs but rather, your social responsibility to your fellow human beings and together, we might… umm, I mean together, we will win the war. Good night."