Amanda's First Renaissance Fair: An R.V. Explodes!!

Amanda's very-first-ever Ren Fair experience!! Peter and I try to go

to the Ren Fair, which is held at the town of Larkspur, at least once

a year. And no, that last sentence was NOT a typo ... the Ren Fair

pretty much IS the town of Larkspur. Allow us to take you on an

epic, epic journey through the heart of a magical adventure that can

only be expressed by two words: Turkey shank.

 

Here we are at the entrance to the Renaissance Fairgrounds, being

heckled by what I can only assume is a fairy, a jester and a very

confused homeless man.

 

It is Peter Robinson's tradition to buy at least one ice-cream

sandwich to eat at the Renaissance Fair from the dirty old cart

vendor. Here he is, standing in front of Ye Olde Dragon Climbing

Tower looking nobly into the distance ...

 

Here are Peter and Amanda, enjoying Peter's ice cream sandwich

together. As we all know, usually this kind of encroaching on food

would get a man killed in Peter's presence, but Amanda has just

suffered through the horrors of Ye Olde Privy. For those less savvy

of you, thaaaat's a port-o-potty.

 

DAMMIT! If I had known I could get a totally awesome Gandalf style

walking stick no WAY would I have thrown down for those collapsible

lightweight walking sticks from REI!!

 

At the Renaissance Fair, a magical alternate universe, they WANT you

to touch them.

 

Yes, people, didgeridoos. At the Ren Fair. We know.

 

"Please touch."

 

"OK, but maybe not you. You're sketchy."

 

This picture needs no justification. I love you, Satan.

 

Notice that as the day wears on the awesomeness of our pictures

increases exponentially.

 

Amanda and I got on the swing together! My new husband insisted that

he couldn't join us because "simple harmonic rides make me vomit."

Then he took another sip of his cider from his stein, which by this

point had turkey gristle floating in it.

 

You may not be able to extrapolate it from this photo, but in about .

5 seconds, Amanda Schuldt is going to kick this man pushing our swing

directly in the balls. As Amanda puts, "there was full, up-tunic

contact, with a distinct squishing sensation". Best 3 dollars I ever

spent.

 

Peter Robinson: Your New Wife.

 

Your New, Graceful and Tactful Wife.

 

The one with the lazy eye.

 

PEOPLE. I NEED YOU TO UNDERSTAND. THIS IS A WEDDING PROCESSIONAL.

THE GIRL IN WHITE JUST GOT MARRIED. LIKE, FOR REALS. AT THE

RENAISSANCE FAIR. I'm sorry for my urgent tone. It's just that this

is the fate I narrowly escaped.

 

Not all wedding processionals are attended by Johnny Depp and his pet

elephant!

 

This is my photojournalistic side coming out. I want you all to

really look at what this woman is eating. I mean reaaaally look.

(It helps if you know that in the background the bar wenches are

singing "I married a man with no balls.")

 

I have no words. OTHER THAN HUZZAH!!!

 

Once again, the photojournalist within. This image has SOOOOO much

going for it. We have the dude in the awesome Green Lantern t-shirt,

who obviously thought he was going to ComiCon and is saddened and

confused by the fixation of this place on swords and fairies. You

have the 3 year old being smothered by an inappropriately large

pirate hat. And you have the man I assume to be the proud father,

wearing a full-on hiker's pack but failing to see the utility of a

shirt.

 

I do not know what kind of "history lessons" this gentleman is

pimping but I feel confident they end with tears and a moist towelette.

 

Ima and her husband of 12 years, married at the Renaissance Fair a

week from today, with the giddy couple.

 

Amanda, looking happier and happier every time we see her with that

beer stein, also with the creepy clown couple.

 

The road not taken ... the Ren Fair wedding chapel.

 

"Yay!! We DIDN'T get married HERE!"

 

OK, guys. I was a little upset about the ice cream sandwiches and

the didgeridoos, but SERIOUSLY, the llama is PUSHING IT.

 

Mugs! Made out of the finest leather and plywood money can buy!!

 

OK, SERIOUSLY??? The llama, and now there are TWO COMPETING

didgeridoo vendors at the REN FAIR?? Goddammit.

 

Seriously, happier and happier ...

 

Now THIS is why I come to the Ren Fair!!

 

Ladies and gentlemen, my husband. A very special, special man.

Let's analyze: Root Beer Float stand, "I'm voting for Pedro" t-

shirt, ice cream sundae with whipped cream and chocolate toppings.

There is NOTHING in this picture that is even remotely connected to

the Renaissance, but that's okay because Peter Robinson has a look of

joy on his face that can only be expressed by a boyman with special

treat.

 

There are times at the fair when you capture a scene so inherently

geektastic that it imprints on you eternally. This scene of the

pasty white boy with the long hair and no business walking around

without a shirt on but STILL WITH A GIRL is one of them. Miracles

can happen, boys.

 

The joust!!!! OK, so I know this picture is awesome, but there are

some elements that made this scene even more awesome on an aural

level. There was a man on a side-stage with a mini carillon (for

those of you who aren't familiar, that is the instrument made out of

bells that people play in old-school bell towers) and a synthesizer.

He played the opening to Carmina Burana. ON A CARILLON. EPIC.

 

I challenge you!!

 

Oh SNAP! He's dismounted and that dude is jousting him in the FACE!

 

Continued chaos and hilarity.

 

Boo yeah.

 

SWORDFIGHT!!

Done