DEAR MEN...DOES THIS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?

Men, there you are in a mall or a store left on an arrant bench clutching your wife, sister, girlfriend, or mother's purse, while she does, who knows what in the dressing room. You sit there kicking at a loose patch of carpet, and you're thinking, what the hell is taking her so damn long? Let me let you in on what we do in the dressing room and why five minutes really means two and three quarter hours.

 

1. Step one: enter the dressing room. Check to see if there is some surface or hook to hang the clothes we want to try on and bonus if there is some form of seat or chair. We check the room and make sure its clean and free of debris that isn't ours. If the room smells like anything other then the wood its carved out of, or a sweet scent their pumping in with the a/c, or there are any sticky or questionable substances anywhere on the inside, we back out quickly and begin the process of setting up our nest, in a new dressing room.

 

2. Step two: We arrange our clothes on what we hope are at least 3 hooks. The first hook are the things we really want to try on, and the second hook is the stuff we sort of kind of like, but are not sure, and the last hook is for the clothes we take off after trying them on.

 

3. Step three: we try on each item using the following checklist that we must go over with every item we try on. Here is a snippet of the inner dialogue:

 

"Oh my gosh, does this even like fit? How do my arms, butt, midsection, boobs, etc. look? Ugh, my ass doesn't look juicy enough in this? Or maybe its too juicy? I think I'm going to need to try the seamless underwear with this, b/c these are not working. How do I look from the side? The other side? How does this look when I bend down? Oooo, whoops, too far, lost my balance there. Hope the lady in the room next door doesn't think I just fell out! Hmm, how does this look when I dance a little this way and a little that way? Awww, yeah, I likes that. Yup, and jump with it, and slide with it? Oooo, they were wrong for playing my song right now on the PA. Okay, so what will go with this that I already have? I don't think this red matches this other red. Why are the lights in here always so terrible? Man, this is like a red-red, but not like a RED-red. I don't know. Is that a loose thread, please don't be a loose thread, this is the only one in my size. You know, I think I need something a little tighter than this because John will be there with his new Misses me, and I have to look better then that bitch, even if she is nice. I should wear his favorite color. Ha! I am so wrong for that. I think I need pockets. I don't like the way the clasp leaves an indent in my skin. Do I need to go on a diet? No, no, must think positive thoughts. Ommmshalalalalashhhhram, you are beautiful. Ollllmmmmm. Grrrr. Okay, now that my self esteem is restored, I think this is pretty. Yes, I think this is very pretty. Or maybe its cute. Like so cute. Yes, you are, yes you are, cute. No, no, this, this is Sexxx-ay! Oh god, I hate it. I hate my life. Why am I here breathing? This is a fail. Abort, abort! Never mind. I'm going to throw it back, what the hell was I thinking?!?

 

Step 4: repeat step 3 for as many clothing items as you've selected.

 

Step 5: when complete, walk out of the dressing room, and complain to your brother, boyfriend, dad, or husband, as to why they are always complaining about you taking so long. Tell them to "shut-up," and tell them "it's their fault," and "you always do whatever they want without complaints, but this one time you ask them to...."and inquire as to "why your purse which you told them to hold is shoved on the ground."

 

Step 6: Leave store number one, and continue this process at another 5 stores.

 

Done