3.11.09

i don' t know what to think of the irony. is it comical or despairing? do i even believe in karma? it used to be i had notime wastoobusy nevercalled actedindifferentasallgetout. (then breakintoarun). so i recognize it when i see it (or when i search and find null). it's a difficult thing, because above all it's hard to ignore being ignored. then it's also hard deciphering whether your perception of their ignorance is really their ignorance or is really your paranoia. then you have to go on a third tangent and decide if your paranoia is merrited, or you just sit and wonder at their ignorance, thinking up all these absurd possibilities for why you're being ignored. some of them sound feasible to you. you begin to figure things out. you daydream about bringing these possibilities up in conversation, and then you realize you're being paranoid, if you weren't before. it's just hard to know what is what when there are no definitions forming. your connection feels like a shapelss, lightless mass in space that you can't see with a telescope, or any kind of scope.

i guess i could call it karma and say, "well, i put somebody through this, and i've been through it before, so i'll just wait it out." but it's not really wait-outable. it needs to be ignored or it will drive you paranoid. and it has drove me paranoid.

some people call paranoia "showing that you care."

some people call it paranoia.

Done