Sneaky Terrorist
(WARNING: Extremely long description! Read only if you are single, unemployed, living with your mother, and sitting in front of the computer in your underwear. The rest of you can wait until you have nothing better to do.) =)
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Life’s not fair! I won’t admit to being a burned-out parent because it sounds irresponsible. Let’s just say I’ve been waiting years to enjoy an empty nest. There were dreams of peaceful evenings sitting next to a toasty fire with a cigar in one hand and a glass of Pinot Noir in the other. I envisioned a big screen TV featuring my programs for once rather than the usual drivel those other people forced me to endure. With the youngest of the herd getting sheepskin from high school and plans for college already inked for August anticipation was building, as I was ready to begin my parole from parenthood. It was the same feeling I experienced after obtaining my first drivers license. Every cliché imaginable describing freedom, whether song or spoken word, was running through my head: “the future is wide open”, “sweet freedom whispered in my ear”, “life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long”.
As I was about to spike the ball in the end zone, though, an uninvited “thingy” appeared in our backyard. More than two months ago this mischievous rat was discovered sniffing around our porch and unfortunately it wasn’t me but my sympathetic, animal loving, drama-queen-of-a-daughter who happened to spot this…..ahem…..flea-infested, poop-projecting, unfixed, inconvenient, worm hotel. Of course, she immediately reported her new find to that other sympathetic animal lover, also. She had to! What better way to get what you want then joining forces to outnumber the enemy?
Slowly, the door of my man-cave opened and two motivated yet composed women wearing forced grins on their faces appeared. I knew this wasn’t good. Immediately the question “WHAT NOW?” discharged from my vocal cords. That’s when I noticed two pointy ears attached to a furry head resting in my daughter’s arms. It’s a good thing the warm weather of summer hadn’t arrived otherwise all the windows of the house would be open and the entire town would have been subjected to the worst attack of Tourette’s Syndrome in the history of the world. You see, I could have said “no”. But we all know what would happen if I did. I don’t need to explain the bomb of guilt that would drop on my freaking head if I sent the little puma packing. I was so screwed. The decision was made for me: we now had a new pet and there was nothing I could do about it.
And why couldn’t they pick a cool name for her? I tried to be proactive by throwing out some creative ideas but after I suggested “Artemis: Goddess of wildlife” she was given the wimpy weeny name of “Nala” because (wait-for-it)..…………they loved The Lion King. I discovered kittens have many debilitating disorders, too: Insomnia, meth-like energy, sharp claws, sharp teeth, craftiness, ninja stealth, and neediness (Like the need to climb my pant leg without my pants on or the use of my leg as a scratching post………..without my pants on). The siege of her disorders debilitated me completely. She will sit atop the open front door by climbing her nearby cat tree waiting for unsuspecting victims (me) to happen by. My feet have scratch marks from being attacked following my morning shower. I have dark circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep because she instinctively feels the need to satisfy her craving to nurse by sucking on my hand and fingers every other hour throughout the night. I can’t believe I confessed that last one to you.
As many of you know my wife and I relocated our daughter to another state for her first year of college. The procedure went smoothly, she is already practicing with the school softball team, and like all new college students living away from home she’s homesick and misses her family. The quiet I have experienced has been surreal and after watching my favorite program on TV one might say; “mission accomplished”! But there’s a new daughter, it would seem. Her name is…….sigh…….Nala. She’s smart, energetic, doesn’t eat a lot, and as far as I can see loves my family. Her crazy antics are amusing and the sound of her purrs can be therapeutic. Maybe it’s a good thing my plans never work the way I intend. After all, a grouchy guy like me probably doesn’t deserve the affection I receive. Hmmmmmmm, life really isn’t fair, is it?
Sneaky Terrorist
(WARNING: Extremely long description! Read only if you are single, unemployed, living with your mother, and sitting in front of the computer in your underwear. The rest of you can wait until you have nothing better to do.) =)
________________________________________________________________________________
Life’s not fair! I won’t admit to being a burned-out parent because it sounds irresponsible. Let’s just say I’ve been waiting years to enjoy an empty nest. There were dreams of peaceful evenings sitting next to a toasty fire with a cigar in one hand and a glass of Pinot Noir in the other. I envisioned a big screen TV featuring my programs for once rather than the usual drivel those other people forced me to endure. With the youngest of the herd getting sheepskin from high school and plans for college already inked for August anticipation was building, as I was ready to begin my parole from parenthood. It was the same feeling I experienced after obtaining my first drivers license. Every cliché imaginable describing freedom, whether song or spoken word, was running through my head: “the future is wide open”, “sweet freedom whispered in my ear”, “life is a highway, I wanna ride it all night long”.
As I was about to spike the ball in the end zone, though, an uninvited “thingy” appeared in our backyard. More than two months ago this mischievous rat was discovered sniffing around our porch and unfortunately it wasn’t me but my sympathetic, animal loving, drama-queen-of-a-daughter who happened to spot this…..ahem…..flea-infested, poop-projecting, unfixed, inconvenient, worm hotel. Of course, she immediately reported her new find to that other sympathetic animal lover, also. She had to! What better way to get what you want then joining forces to outnumber the enemy?
Slowly, the door of my man-cave opened and two motivated yet composed women wearing forced grins on their faces appeared. I knew this wasn’t good. Immediately the question “WHAT NOW?” discharged from my vocal cords. That’s when I noticed two pointy ears attached to a furry head resting in my daughter’s arms. It’s a good thing the warm weather of summer hadn’t arrived otherwise all the windows of the house would be open and the entire town would have been subjected to the worst attack of Tourette’s Syndrome in the history of the world. You see, I could have said “no”. But we all know what would happen if I did. I don’t need to explain the bomb of guilt that would drop on my freaking head if I sent the little puma packing. I was so screwed. The decision was made for me: we now had a new pet and there was nothing I could do about it.
And why couldn’t they pick a cool name for her? I tried to be proactive by throwing out some creative ideas but after I suggested “Artemis: Goddess of wildlife” she was given the wimpy weeny name of “Nala” because (wait-for-it)..…………they loved The Lion King. I discovered kittens have many debilitating disorders, too: Insomnia, meth-like energy, sharp claws, sharp teeth, craftiness, ninja stealth, and neediness (Like the need to climb my pant leg without my pants on or the use of my leg as a scratching post………..without my pants on). The siege of her disorders debilitated me completely. She will sit atop the open front door by climbing her nearby cat tree waiting for unsuspecting victims (me) to happen by. My feet have scratch marks from being attacked following my morning shower. I have dark circles under my eyes due to lack of sleep because she instinctively feels the need to satisfy her craving to nurse by sucking on my hand and fingers every other hour throughout the night. I can’t believe I confessed that last one to you.
As many of you know my wife and I relocated our daughter to another state for her first year of college. The procedure went smoothly, she is already practicing with the school softball team, and like all new college students living away from home she’s homesick and misses her family. The quiet I have experienced has been surreal and after watching my favorite program on TV one might say; “mission accomplished”! But there’s a new daughter, it would seem. Her name is…….sigh…….Nala. She’s smart, energetic, doesn’t eat a lot, and as far as I can see loves my family. Her crazy antics are amusing and the sound of her purrs can be therapeutic. Maybe it’s a good thing my plans never work the way I intend. After all, a grouchy guy like me probably doesn’t deserve the affection I receive. Hmmmmmmm, life really isn’t fair, is it?