Fungus the Bogeyman

Photo by Mark Loasby.

 

We created this role to cover some of the scene changes - and it was a chance for me to go crazy with the face paint.

 

Boogie Nights

 

Faringdon Community College Musical, 2010.

 

Directed by Julia Nichols and Giles Watson.

Music Direction by Ella Kolodziej.

Set design by Paul Spurrett and Natalie Thomas.

Costumes by Kathleen Thomas and Ulia Haynes.

 

The following is the basic script which we wrote in order to keep the action constant during scene changes, but there was a lot of improvisation too!

 

Fungus 1. (Pre-show, p. 9)

 

Cue: Paul McCartney/Bogey Music – music plays as Fungus enters, fades as conversation starts.

 

Bouncer: Yeah, what do you want?

 

Fungus: Is this Bogey Nights?

 

Bouncer: Boogie Nights. Yes, this is Boogie Nights. What's it to you?

 

Fungus: (Shakes his hand) Well, if this is Bogey Nights, then I'm Fungus the Bogeyman, so obviously my presence would add significantly to the ambience - if you wouldn't mind letting me inside…

 

Bouncer: Bogeyman? Well you can't come in here. That hairstyle is against the dress code, and your clothes are wet and - er - rather musty -

 

Fungus: (proudly) Smelly you mean. That's because I spread patent bogey odorant liberally on my underarm hair just for the occasion.

 

Bouncer: (noticing Bogey-bike) What's that?

 

Fungus: It's the latest in Bogey design: built for slowness, so one can savour the stink of the sewers. I had it especially sprayed with liberal helpings of cow and pig manure before riding it here -

 

Bouncer: Well if that's your bike, get on it!

 

Fungus: Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt, thaw and resolve itself into a dew. (Exits.)

 

 

Rockers: Before 1. Scene 2, p. 20

 

Rocker 1: (Imitating badly): "Don't blame it on the sunshine/ Don't blame it on the moonlight/ Don't blame it on the good times/ Blame it on the airheaded geek in spangled flares with a glitterball for a head."

 

Rocker 2: (Imitating badly): "Don't blame it on the sunshine/ Don't blame it on the moonlight/ Don't blame it on the good times/ Blame it on John Revolting and Olivia Neutron Bomb - I wish they both were dead."

 

Rocker 3: (Imitating badly): "Don't blame it on the sunshine/ Don't blame it on the moonlight/ Don't blame it on the good times/ Blame it on some lousy poncy dancer prancing on the stage…

 

Rocker 1: Singing in falsetto…

 

Rocker 2: If we caught him down the ghetto...

 

Rocker 3: We'd have him dancing faster…

 

Rocker 1: Thrashing his head in the moshpit...

 

Rocker 2: We'd blast him with our ghetto blaster…

 

Rocker 3: Ghettoblaster? What's a ghetto blaster?

 

Rocker 1: Yeah, loser, who ever heard of a ghetto blaster? (They look at each other, and the realisation dawns.) Ghetto blaster…

 

Rocker 2: Geez man, imagine the decibels…(They exit, thrashing.)

 

Cue: short burst of heavy rock.

 

 

Shopper and Hippy

(on the street, before 1. Scene Three, p. 23)

 

Cue: Performance/Track 9/The Hashishin – plays as an undertone throughout the whole scene.

 

Shopper: Hi! That new boutique is just the grooviest –

 

Hippy: Whoa, man! Like, you’re talkin’ too fast. My head is reelin’.

 

Shopper: Look what I bought. (Takes lava lamp from bag.) Hip or what?

 

Hippy: Funky, man! There’s a whole volcano in there. Those swirlin’ colours put me in touch with, like, where it’s at, man!

 

Shopper: Yeah, and it’s not even plugged in yet!

 

(They walk off, completely entranced by the lava lamp.)

 

 

 

Shopper and Rocker

(on the street, before 1. Scene Four, p. 27)

 

Cue: Performance Soundtrack/Track 3/Get Away – playing as an undertone throughout the conversation.

 

Shopper: Hi! I just bought the funkiest new item!

 

Rocker: What is it, man?

 

Shopper: It’s a glass bird of some sort.

 

Rocker: Cripes, it’s filled with red stuff. Is it alcoholic?

 

Shopper: You don’t drink it. The bird drinks. Out of a glass.

 

Rocker: (sarcastic) Yeah, right. What’s this feather on its bum. (Pulls the feather off).

 

Shopper: Hey! You can’t do that! That’s my goofy bird, man!

 

Rocker: (raising his guitar) And this is my Fender. (He chases the Shopper off the stage, wielding the guitar like a battle axe.)

 

 

 

Fungus 2. (Before 1. Scene 5, p. 32.)

 

Bouncer: Yeah, what do you want?

 

Fungus: Is this Bogey Nights?

 

Bouncer: Boogie Nights. Yes, this is Boogie Nights. What's it to you?

 

Fungus: Aye, well, mi’ lad. Mah name is Bogus the Fungeyman, tha' knows, and ah've come ter demonstrate t' latest in Yorkshire disco dancing styles. Thar’s nowt like em -

 

Bouncer: Well, you aren't gonna demonstrate 'em in here. Those boils on the back of your neck could be infectious.

 

Fungus: Could be infectious? They'd better be. I've been cultivating them for weeks just for the occasion.

 

Bouncer: What's that?

 

Fungus: What? Oh, that! That's a packet of flaked corns I'm taking home for breakfast. Fresh scraped from the smelliest feet, matured and extra mouldy -

 

Bouncer: Well, you can try out your corny accents somewhere else, preferably far away from here. Hop it!

 

Fungus: Dear me. Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player, who struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot… (Exits).

 

 

Rockers: Outside the Cinema, before 1. Scene Six, p. 34

 

Rocker 1: (Imitating badly): “Aaaah, oooh, aaaah, oooh / Sugar baby love, sugar baby love / You make me puke / It’s so emetic…”

 

Rocker 2: Just pathetic, man.

 

Rocker 1: He needs a dose of Deep Purple as an antidote. Disco has gone to his head and rotted his brain.

 

Rocker 2: He’s insane.

 

Rocker 1: And if I hear that goddamn refrain one more time, I swear I’ll ram the neck of my guitar down his throat.

 

Rocker 2: Smash it over his head.

 

Rocker 1: Smash it, man? You crazy?

 

Rocker 2: I mean it. I’d clobber him with it while it was still plugged in.(They exchange glances. A new and wonderful idea has formed.)

 

Rocker 1: Geez, man, imagine the feedback!

 

Rocker 2: Yeah, man. Let’s grab some disco-heads, get back to my joint and try it out.(They exit, brandishing guitars like weapons.)

 

Cue: short burst of heavy rock (e.g. Deep Purple/Strange Kind of Woman).

 

 

Fungus 3. (Before 1. Scene Seven, p. 38.)

 

 

Bouncer: Yeah, what do you want?

 

Fungus: Is this Bogey Nights?

 

Bouncer: Boogie Nights. Yes, this is Boogie Nights. What's it to you?

 

Fungus: Top oth' morning' to you, Paddy. My name's Mangus the Fungeyboge, and I'm here to demonstrate the latest Irish disco-fiddle techniques -

 

Bouncer: Well, you can't come in here. The dirt under those fingernails would be sufficient to fertilise all the cabbages on my allotment.

 

Fungus: (enthusiastically) You can have some if you like. I dangle my fingernails in fermented rancid bat's giblets every evening.

 

Bouncer: What's that?

 

Fungus: What? Oh, that. That's - er - that's one of the giblets.

 

Bouncer: Well get it in the bin - and you'd better follow it!

 

Fungus: Things rank and gross in nature possess it merely… (exits.)

 

 

Shopper, Rockers and Hippy

(On the street, before 1. Scene Eight, p. 42. The rockers enter, carrying prototype ghetto-blaster. It is playing ‘No More Tears’, much to their disgust.)

 

Cue: Donna Summer and Barbra Streisand/No More Tears. It turns off when Rocker 1 turns the volume knob on the ghetto-blaster.

 

Rocker 1: (Turns off the ghetto blaster. Singing badly) “Enough is enough is enough / I can’t go on / Enough is enough is enough / I can’t stand Donna Summer and Barbra Striesand any more.”

 

Rocker 2: (Getting violent with his guitar.) “Good bye missus/ Good bye missus / Enough is enough.”

 

Rocker 1: Yeah, well. No need to take it out on my guitar. It’s my third this week. And don’t hit the ghetto blaster with it. We’re just tuned into the wrong station, that’s all.

 

Shopper: Wow, guys, what’s that? Where’d you buy it?

 

Rocker 2: We didn’t buy it, dude. We made it.

 

Cue: Deep Purple/Smoke on the Water – undertone throughout rest of scene.

Rocker 1: It’s a ghetto blaster. (He turns it up. It is now playing ‘Smoke on the Water’.)

 

Hippy: Man, it’s just another thing you gotta plug in, once the batteries run out. Get real, guys, an’ get in touch with the universe. All you need is a guitar, and a flower for the power.

 

Shopper: But I like stuff that plugs in. How much d’ya want for it?

 

Rocker 1: It’s not for sale.

 

Rocker 2: It’s a protoplasm.

 

Rocker 1: Prototype, you mean, butter-for-brains.

 

Rocker 2: Yeah, that.

 

Hippy: You wait, man. All these prog-rock bands could learn a thing or two from Vashti Bunyan. One day they’ll all be playing without electricity.

 

Rocker 1: What? Deep Purple, Led Zeppelin unplugged. You gotta be crazy!

 

Shopper: He’s insane.

 

 

Fungus 4. Entr’ Acte, 2. p. 50

 

Bouncer: Yeah, what do you want?

 

Fungus: Is this Bogey Nights?

 

Bouncer: Boogie Nights. Yes, this is Boogie Nights. What's it to you?

 

Fungus: Och aye, mi laddie. My name's Bogus the Mangeyfung, and I'm here to demonstrate the latest sporran-slapping, bagpipe tootin disco steps -

 

Bouncer: Well, you can't come in here. Your clothes are dripping muddy water all over the threshold. Smells like you’ve just come out of a sewer.

 

Fungus: (enthusiastically) Er, two sewers, actually. The first one wasn’t stinky enough. It’s never quite the same when the local population eats too much processed food. It’s best when they subsist on a diet of haggis, neaps and tatties.

 

Bouncer: What's that?

 

Fungus: What? Oh, that. That's - er - that's one of the tatties. Not properly digested.

 

Bouncer: Well get to the public lavatory, and flush it.

 

Fungus: The earth seems to me a sterile promontory, a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. Yum. (exits.)

 

 

Shopper and Hippy

(On the street, before 2. Scene Two, p. 67. The hippy has a back-pack.)

 

Cue: Gather in the Mushrooms/Track 12/Vashti Bunyan/Winter is Blue

 

Shopper: Hi! I just bought the funkiest new item –

 

Hippy: I don’t care, man. I’ve had enough of our modern, materialistic, acquisitive, war-mongering society. I’m on my way to Sark, man.

 

Shopper: Sark? Where’s that?

 

Hippy: It’s an island, brother. In Guernesey.

 

Shopper: Does it have – shops?

 

Hippy: No, man, but it has a really hip lighthouse – and no disco. It’s only two miles long. I’m moving in with the Incredible String Band.

 

Shopper: The Incredible String What?

 

Hippy: You know, man: The 5000 Spirits or The Layers of the Onion, The Hangman’s Beautiful Daughter, Hard Rope and Silken Twine…

 

Shopper: Never heard of them. But why do you want to live on an island? There’ll be no –

 

Hippy: Yeah, that’s the point man. There’ll be no Uncle Sam, no Vietnam, no wise men in wide headachey ties. No plastic, man. And no disco.

 

Shopper (despairing): And no sho –

 

Hippy: Right, man, no shops. And no Tricky Dicky, no Watergate, no Bangla-Desh style starvations, no Bloody Sunday, no KKK, no Evel Knievel, no metric conversion, no Bee Gees, no Two Ronnies – and no disco.

 

Shopper (it just doesn’t compute): No shops.

 

Hippy (shrugs and leaves): You’re weird, man, but hey, peace anyway.

 

 

Shoppers/Rockers

(On the street, before 2. Scene Five, p. 70. The rockers enter with armfuls of ghetto-blasters. A gaggle of shoppers gather around them.)

 

Cue: Hendrix/Track 1/Purple Haze – fade during conversation

 

Rocker 1: Come an’ get em, dudes. Only thirty pounds a bash.

 

Shopper 1: Oooh – I like that one. It’s got lots of knobs.

 

Shopper 2: This one looks a bit like a blowfly’s head. I’ll buy it.

 

Shopper 3: Do they come in pink?

 

(The shoppers buy all of the ghetto blasters except one, and then disperse. Rocker 1’s hands are full of money.)

 

Rocker 2: Hey, man. You don’t reckon that by makin’ all this money, we’re like, sellin’ out to the establishment?

 

Rocker 1: No way, mate. Just think of all the dough Mick Jagger’s got. He ain’t a sellout.

 

Rocker 2: Right, man. Well, in that case – (He makes a grab for some of the money.)

 

Rocker 1: “Money / Get back / I’m all right Jack / Keep your hands off my stack.” (He turns up the ghetto blaster. It is playing ‘Money’, by Pink Floyd. Rocker 2 looks confused for a moment, then picks up his guitar, brandishes it wildly like a battle-axe, and pursues Rocker 1 off the stage.)

 

Cue: Dark Side of the Moon/Money – opening riff plays, fades on exit.

 

 

Fungus 5. Before 2. Scene Seven, p. 73.

 

Bouncer: Yeah, what do you want?

 

Fungus: Is this Bogey Nights?

 

Bouncer: Boogie Nights. Yes, this is Boogie Nights. What's it to you?

 

Fungus: Ah, goodness gracious me, spiffing day, eh what? My name's Lord Bungus the Fogeymang, Viscount, Earl, O.B.E, and I'm here to demonstrate some of the more up-market disco-dancing techniques. Disco’s not just for the oi polloy, you know!

 

Bouncer: Well, you can't come in here. I’ve never met an earl with such disgusting corduroy trousers before. They’ve got things living in them.

 

Fungus: (enthusiastically) Well, yes, as a matter of fact, there are. I’ve got three sewer rats, fifteen snails and one newt down there. And that’s just in me underpants.

 

Bouncer: What's that?

 

Fungus: What? Oh, that. That's - er – that’s a leech. It was probably living on one of the sewer rats.

 

Bouncer: Well, on your way, sucker.

 

Fungus: And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? (exits.)

 

 

 

 

 

Fungus 6. End of show, p. 79

(Enter Fungus, as before, but as the conversation continues, a gang of rockers with ghetto blasters congregates behind him.)

 

Bouncer: Yeah, what do you want?

 

Fungus: Is this Bogey Nights?

 

Bouncer: Boogie Nights. Yes, this is Boogie Nights. What's it to you?

 

(Fungus steps back, takes one look at the bouncer, and brushes him aside. He enters the disco, the rockers in his train. Everyone in the wedding party screams, and freezes.)

 

Done